“She’s adorable,” Anna said, kissing Gabby’s cheek.
“She is,” I replied, smiling at both of them. “I can’t believe I used to be afraid of babies. It’s strange because in some ways, taking care of her is easier than dealing with the unpredictability of Hailey.”
“Little kids, little problems. Big kids, big problems,” Anna said. “At least that’s what Jillian tells me. She’s had a lot of issues with her oldest son, Matt, this year.”
I looked inside at the teenage boy who seemed fine to me. Turning back to Anna, I exhaled slowly. “When Hailey opened the bathroom door, and I saw blood on the washcloth, I was worried she’d tried to hurt herself.”
Anna’s face crumpled. “Oh, Nick. It wasn’t anything like that. She’s doing really well considering everything that’s happened to her. Girls her age can be ruthless. Hailey simply wanted them to stop teasing her, so she tried to take care of it herself.”
“I wish she would’ve told me.”
Anna patted Gabby’s chubby leg. “She was probably embarrassed. I’m very close to my father, but growing up, I never talked to him about shaving or problems at school.”
I knew Anna was trying to make me feel better, but her words only shed more light on my inadequacies to parent the girls. I placed my ankle on top of my knee and rapidly shook my foot. “Last spring, one of the guys in my unit committed suicide.”
“Oh, Nick. That’s horrible.”
“Yeah. I knew he was depressed, but I had no idea how serious it was. I should’ve been more proactive. I made sure he saw a doctor, but I should’ve done more for him. I don’t want to mess up with Hailey like that.”
“You won’t. You care about her, and you’re with her all the time. You take her to the counselor and provide a safe environment for her to talk about her feelings. Honestly, Nick, she’s doing fine.”
I stared out at the ocean, wanting to believe Anna. A person living at the beach could easily become immune to the peaceful movement of the waves, but I concentrated on the sound, wanting to distract myself and avoid burdening Anna with any more of the details.
“It wasn’t your fault, you know,” she said, somehow saying exactly what I needed to hear. “Most depressed people don’t hurt themselves. You couldn’t have possibly known what he was going to do.”
I allowed myself to look at Anna and take in her beauty. She was absolutely gorgeous. Both on the inside and outside. She had an incredible ability to believe in others and encourage them to become their best self. She did that with Travis, the girls, her sisters-in-law, and she did it with me. Too bad she couldn’t seem to do it with herself.
Anna kissed the top of Gabby’s head. “Hailey told me you showed her the book with the chapter about Marcus.”
I nodded. “She asked me how he died. Ethan had the book in his study, and I’ve been reading it again, so I let her read about Marcus. I hope that’s okay.”
“Of course, but she’s afraid you’ll go back to the Army and won’t make it home.”
I tapped my foot. “I didn’t know she was worried about that.”
Another cool breeze whipped across the porch, and Anna shivered. “It’s getting cold. Maybe we should go inside.”
“Hold on. I’ll be right back.” I wanted to keep talking to Anna, so I went into the house and returned moments later with a thick fleece blanket. Leaning down, I placed it over her and Gabby, tucking in the sides to keep them warm.
She surprised me by resting her hand on my shoulder. “Thank you, Nick.”
I nodded, afraid speaking would reveal the overwhelming emotion rushing through me.
Why was I allowing myself to fall in love with this place? With my nieces? With Anna? Why had she touched me like that? She understood I couldn’t stay, didn’t she? Understood I was going back to the army?
Pulling her hand away, she leaned back in the chair. “Is it stressful to know Hailey’s concerned about you?”
I sat in the other chair. “It’s a little stressful, but I’m glad you told me. I’ll be sure to mention it to her counselor.”
I gazed up at the stars, silently naming the constellations I’d learned throughout the years. One of the army chaplains had insisted the complexity of the universe proved the existence of a God who not only deliberately designed the world, but continued to sustain it today.
At the time, I’d taken great comfort in that statement. Of course the universe hadn’t just randomly popped into existence one day. And of course the Creator responsible for this amazing world still cared about His creation.
Right now, however, my life seemed so complicated. Did God really care about my little problems when there were more important things to worry about?
I brought my gaze back to Anna’s blue eyes. “I’ve wanted to be a soldier my whole life. I’m good at my job, and I can’t imagine doing anything else for a living. But Hailey and Gabby have challenged me beyond anything I could’ve ever imagined.”
“Kids have a tendency to do that.”
I blew out a slow breath. “Sometimes, I can see myself taking care of them permanently. But tonight, I feel so inadequate that I can’t understand why making a decision and moving forward is so difficult.”
Anna peered at me over the top of Gabby’s head. “Perhaps you’re having hard time making a decision because it’s the most important decision you’ve ever had to make.”
I nodded and looked down at my hands as if they held the answers to all my problems. Maybe I should resign my commission and find a civilian job. But then what? How would I pay my bills? Although Ethan and Ivana had left enough life insurance to cover the girls’ living expenses, there wouldn’t be enough for things like college and weddings. Plus, I wouldn’t feel right relying on that money for my own expenses.
Perhaps I could ask my father about taking care of the girls during my deployment. I could hire a full-time nanny, give my dad power of attorney, and resume full custody when I returned.
But was taking care of the girls something Jack could actually handle? And what about me? Could I learn how to be the parent Hailey and Gabby needed?
“Did you look at the family I told you about?” Anna asked. “The Woodalls?”
“Not yet,” I said, feeling discouraged.
“I think they’d be good parents. And they live on the island, so Hailey and Gabby wouldn’t have to leave.”
“Okay, I’ll look into it.” I couldn’t talk about this anymore, so I changed the subject. “Do I need to buy some special kind of razor for Hailey? I’ve seen those pink ones in the store.”
Anna gave me a questioning look, obviously recognizing I was avoiding the issue of adoption. She didn’t call me on it, however. Instead, she nodded and said, “A pink razor would be nice, then Hailey wouldn’t have to use your manly man ones.”
“Great. I’ll put pink razors on my shopping list.” I felt a momentary reprieve from the difficulties of my life. After all, while the girls continued to overwhelm me, I was becoming quite proficient when it came to grocery shopping.
Anna
E
very year in
December, the elementary school hosted a holiday carnival with games, entertainment, and delicious home-baked goods. I finished my shift at the face-painting booth, then purchased several raffle tickets for the silent auction.
Taking my time, I walked up and down the hallway, carefully studying the baskets and deciding how to spend my tickets. In the end, I divided my chances between the scrapbooking basket and one entitled,
Organize Your Life
.
“Put a ticket in the jar for the Jet Ski,” Travis urged, pointing at the shiny red vehicle donated by Island Water Sports.
I thrust a hand to my hip. “No way! Do you know how dangerous those things are? Honestly, they’re like motorcycles on water.”
PTA president Kate Tate, who’d obviously overheard the conversation, scowled. “Here’s an idea, Anna. If you don’t want to win the Jet Ski, don’t enter. But don’t ruin the prize for the rest of us. As a member of the PTA, and a concerned parent, you should be happy for the donation.”
I blinked. Kate’s words stung, especially given the fact they were true. “I’m sorry, Kate. You’re right. For my penance, I’m going to allow Travis to put my last ticket in the Jet Ski jar.”
Kate rolled her eyes. “Let’s not get radical.”
Travis grabbed the ticket and shoved it into the jar before I could change my mind. “Done! Now I just need to keep my fingers crossed until we win.”
“Oh, dear.” Kate rapidly tapped a pen against her clipboard. “We’d rather the winner be someone who is excited and not opposed to the Jet Ski.”
I shook my head. “Don’t worry. Statistically, winning would be impossible.”
A deep voice from behind spoke with mock sincerity. “Anna Morgan, I never pictured you as one for adventure on the high seas.”
Anticipation shot up my spine as I spun around to see Nick grinning down at me. Gabby slept in the baby backpack, her thumb shoved deep into her mouth and her head resting on Nick’s shoulder.
Putting a stranglehold on my emotions, I straightened. “I think we both know my name and high adventure don’t belong in the same sentence, but I’m all about the cause.”
He leaned so close I caught the faint scent of laundry detergent on his T-shirt. In a challenging voice, he asked, “What are you going to do if you win?”
“
When
we win,” Travis said, breaking the moment, “we’ll show our appreciation by using the Jet Ski every day. Maybe even twice a day.”
“Heaven help us,” Kate said, walking away.
“Will you keep it if you win?” Nick asked.
I shook my head. “No, if we win, which isn’t going to happen, we’ll sell it and use the money for braces or some other sensible purchase.”
“
Mom,”
Travis said, horrified. “You can’t be serious.”
Nick shifted the straps on the backpack, causing Gabby to pop open one eye before falling back asleep. “Don’t you think if you win, it means you’re supposed to have more excitement in your life?”
“Yes,” Travis agreed. “That’s exactly what it means.”
I lifted my chin, refusing to be railroaded. “I happen to have a lot of excitement in my life.”
“I’m sure you do,” Nick teased, winking at Travis. Both of them laughed, then Travis ran off to join his friends.
Nick smiled at me. “I’m sorry I made fun of you. Can I buy you a chicken burrito to apologize?”
“Oh, you don’t have to do that,” I stammered, suddenly feeling foolish.
A slow grin crept up his face as if amused by my refusal. “It’s a burrito, Anna, not steak and lobster.”
Heat scorched my face. Why was I being so difficult, resisting his simple offer of friendship? I agreed to the burrito, and we joined the line where Nick asked if I was worried about winning the Jet Ski.
“No. Definitely not,” I insisted.
“Then let’s make a deal. If you win—”
“I’m not going to win.”
“Well, if you do, you have to promise you’ll let me take you out on the water and show you how much fun it is before you sell it.”
I eyed him warily. “I’m not going to win.”
“Then it shouldn’t be difficult to make a simple promise.”
Heaving a great sigh, I relented. “Okay, I promise.”
“Pinky-swear?”
“What?”
He shrugged. “It’s something I learned at Ranger school.”
“Really?”
“No,” he said, laughing. “I’d get beat up for something like that. It’s a Hailey thing.”
I looked down at his hand and wrapped my little finger around his. There was a softening in my chest that both thrilled and scared me. “Okay, it’s a deal,” I said.
Nick paid for our food, and we found a table at the back of the crowded cafeteria. I spotted a small boy about four holding Carrie Woodall’s hand. The child seemed a little young to be the kindergarten teacher’s student. Maybe he was her nephew?
I greeted Carrie with an embrace. We talked about Travis for a moment, then I introduced Nick, and Carrie introduced the little boy. “This is Colton. He’s been living with us for awhile, and we just found out we’re going to be able to adopt both him and his baby sister.”
A cry of joy broke from my lips. “Oh, Carrie! That’s wonderful. I’m so happy for you.”
Colton clasped Carrie’s hand and beamed up at me. “She’s going to be my real mom.”
I squatted and looked directly into the little boy’s eyes. “You’re going to have one of the best mommies in the world.”
“I know,” he said, grinning. “And guess what?”
“What?”
“I’m getting a daddy, too!” He covered his mouth with both hands and gave a little squeal of joy.
I embraced Carrie again, thrilled at the good news. It was only as she and Colton walked away I realized the Woodalls probably wouldn’t be interested in adopting Hailey and Gabby now that they had Colton and his sister. I experienced a minor sense of loss, but overall, I was happy for them.
On stage, Kate spoke into the microphone. “Testing, one, two, three. Testing, one, two, three.” She gave a thumbs up to the sound director, then began frantically buzzing around, issuing orders to everyone.
Nick nodded toward Kate. “She’s very efficient, isn’t she?”
“That’s the understatement of the year.”
He took a bite of his burrito and washed it down with a sip of soda. “My father said she’d make the perfect military wife.”
“She would,” I agreed, my heart suddenly aching. It was ridiculous to be envious of Kate, especially given my determination to keep my distance from Nick. But I was incredibly jealous.
Nick opened a package of salsa and squirted it on his burrito. “After the funeral, Kate brought me two weeks’ worth of neatly labeled homemade frozen meals. They were delicious, especially her artichoke frittata with Cotija cheese.”
Selfish and immature thoughts raced through my mind. Artichoke frittata with Cotija cheese? How in the world did you make that?
“Kate is very talented,” I offered, resisting the temptation to say something unkind. I didn’t want to be petty, but did Nick know who was responsible for Kate’s beautiful hair? Did he know that without me, Kate would be completely gray?
“She reminds me of my father’s third wife,” Nick said. “All business. Very serious about life and how to reheat artichoke frittata. It’s as if she believes our national security depends on preheating the oven properly. A little too high maintenance for me.”