“
Are you okay? Abby, you
look you’ve seen a ghost.” Oh if she only knew the ridiculous
fantasy I was just having.
“
I’m just not feeling very
well.” I half lie, the thought made my stomach curdle. I kick off
the covers reluctantly. I take my clothes in the bathroom and stare
at my reflection for a minute. I look hideous. My eyes are droopy
and lack sleep, my hair a matted mess. I take the brush that’s
sitting on the sink and attempt to pull the rats out.
Get it together Abby
. I
tell myself. “Abby, you okay in there?” Brooke calls from the other
side of the door.
“
Yes, almost done.” I call
back. Tears falling down my cheeks. I contemplate faking sick and
staying home, since Sarah will be in school and my mom will be at
work. But that’s cowardly. Instead, I wipe my face and apply the
last of makeup, which consists of eye shadow, mascara and blush.
Once I’m satisfied with my appearance, I step out of the kitchen to
find Brooke smothering her waffles in syrup and butter. My stomach
growls with delight. I grab some waffles for myself, out of the
freezer, and pop them in the toaster. “You look hot.” Brooke says
to me as she takes a sip of her orange juice. I smile feeling
flattered. “Thanks. I don’t feel it.” My smile fades, replaced by
guilt. “Can I tell you something?”
“
Come on Abby, you’re my
best friend. Of course you can trust me, tell me anything.” I walk
over and sit beside her at the kitchen table. I’m suddenly feeling
nervous and shaking like a leaf, on a windy day. “Well, I’ve sort
of been having thoughts about Lucas. Ever since the night Sarah
mentioned him and her seduction plan, I can’t stop thinking about
it. I’m not sure why all of a sudden, but it’s all I think about.”
Then I start thinking if Lucas was in my car yesterday, instead of
Brady. Would I have had sex with him? I don’t know what’s going on
with me.
She grabs my hand, sympathy in her eyes. “I
think you just need to get away from everything. Go take a vacation
or something.” I laugh at her. It’s not like I can just pick up and
go right this second, though it would be awesome. “Okay, obviously
you can’t go now. But once we graduate, you can do whatever you
want. Take a break and enjoy yourself, clear your head.” My waffles
pop up and it startles me making me jump out of my seat. I’ve
always been easily scared. Brooke laughs at me this time and I
can’t help but laugh. A tear starts rollin’ down my cheek and I
wipe it away before more follow its leader. Damn tears are gonna
ruin my makeup.
On the way to school, I keep thinking about
Lucas, and whether Sarah has managed to sweet talk herself into
Lucas’s heart. I can’t wait to see him. He’s been busy lately with
family affairs and we haven’t talked much. I miss my best friend. I
just hope my feelings don’t complicate things. I would hate that.
We arrive to school and I get out of the car. I scan the area for
signs of her. She’s no where in sight. I’m usually her ride to
school but since I took off; my mom knows I wouldn’t be in favor of
taking her to school this morning “Hey baby, where ya been?” Brady
grabs my waist. I love his strong muscular arms. I feel safe. I
turn around to face him. “Hey, sorry I had family issues. I stayed
the night with Brooke.” He looks at me concern on his face. “What
happened?”
After I tell him about the argument at
dinner he gives me a “I’m not surprised” look. I purposely left out
the part about Sarah’s plans to seduce to Lucas. He’d have a very
different expression on his face then, considering that Lucas and
Brady don’t like each other. He wraps me in his arms and I lean my
head into his chest, inhaling his awesome masculine cologne scent.
As long as I’m like this, I can forget about Lucas, at least for a
little while. I feel like crying in his arms. How can life all of a
sudden get so complicated and confusing?
“
Listen, Sarah is at an
age where she is exploring and testing boundaries. Rebelling. We
all went through that stage.” Brady has a point. We did crazy stuff
at her age. But it doesn’t mean it’s right and that I should just
let it happen. I look up at him; his dark eyes show, maybe love and
wisdom. Why can’t I love him? I thought I did. But it seems I am
torn, confused about a path, which that seems safe and familiar, as
well as, mysterious and unknown. He smiles and leans down to give
me a kiss. It’s a sweet kiss, as opposed to his urgent and hungry
kiss in my car yesterday. It’s nice. I break away and take his
hand, as we walk towards the building. Brooke right by my
side.
Then…..I see her. She’s on the side of the
building in a group huddle with a few of her friends. And they
are…..what the Hell? I walk toward them, mind racing at fast
pace.
“
Abby, what are you
doing?” Brady calls to me. “Just let her go Brady.” I hear Brooke
tell him. I turn to look at them and they see what I see. Brady
nods as if to say “I get it now”. I hear Sarah laughing as her
friend says something I can’t quite make out. “Oh shit. Put it up.”
Haley, her best friends grunts. They see me approach and Sarah puts
on a fake sinister smile.
“
Well hello dear Abby.
Have a fun slumber party with Brookie pooh?” She says
sarcastically, which makes me want to smack that look off her
face.
“
Cut the crap Sarah! What
the fuck is this? You doing drugs now? It’s not bad enough you’re
getting in trouble at school, you want to add to the pile of shit
mom has to deal with?” At this point I’m enraged. How dare she find
more excuses to make my mother worry. She cares about no one but
herself. She gives me a “Go to Hell” look and I get in her face.
“What the hell is going on with you?” I look at Haley, frustrated.
“Do your parents know you’re doing drugs?” She looks down at the
ground and starts fidgeting, nervously. “Look boss, we weren’t
doing any harm, just experimenting a little. No big deal. So just
turn around and march on over to your friend and Assface, they’re
waiting for you.”
“
I’m telling your parents
tonight Haley. And Sarah, your ass is in deep shit.” I storm off
toward Brady and Brooke where they’re standing there,
expressionless. I hear Haley yelling “Please don’t tell my
parents!” I don’t really plan on telling them, at least not today.
But she doesn’t have to know that. I approach them but keep walking
and Brady speed walks to catch up. “Abby, wait! Slow down.” I stop
in my tracks and look at him, irritation on my face. “Look, calm
down. This stuff happens. Let her get in trouble, maybe she’ll
learn.” I doubt it.
“
This isn’t about her as
much as it’s about my mother. She’s acting like a spoiled shit
Brady. So no I won’t calm down. I won’t let her put my mother
through this bull shit.” Ever since my father left us, Sarah has
been rebelling and getting in more trouble at school and it puts
more stress on my mother than she needs.
Suddenly, I realize that since she mentioned
Lucas I have been more irritated with her. Maybe I’m more mad at
myself and these feelings I keep harboring for him and lash it out
on Sarah because it’s easier to do than to face the truth. But
what’s the truth anymore? I wanted to go to New York after high
school and pursue my dream. But Brady really ruined it for me. I
don’t know what I want anymore. Then I spot him. Oh he’s so
gorgeous. It feels like it’s been months since I last saw him, even
though it was only a few days. I see him at a distance with some
girl but I can’t see who it is. I turn to Brady and Brooke. “You
guys go on ahead. I’ll catch up with you later.” Brady gives me a
hug and kiss and takes off, without a question. Thank God. “Hey.”
Brooke grabs my arm and I turn around. She’s got a quizzical
expression on her face. She knows what I’m up to. Or she thinks she
knows. “Be careful.”
“
I’m not telling him
anything, don’t worry.” Then I take off running. He’s got his arm
around the mystery girl and I can only imagine what kind of girl
would be lucky enough to have his arm around them. What a lucky
girl.
Stop it Abby, you’re taken.
I tell myself. As I get closer, I see him kiss
her. I’m assuming this girl is his new girlfriend. Wow, we’ve got
some catching up to do. Maybe we can be friends and do some
bonding. A tint of jealousy hits me, followed by nausea when I see
them part ways and realize its Sarah.
Chapter 4
He kissed Sarah. Oh my God. I feel sick. I’m
standing only a few feet from them. “Oh, hey sis. I was just
leaving. I will see you later Luc.” She gives Lucas another kiss
and walks off, a wicked grin plastered on her stupid face. He turns
around and sees me. “Hey Abby.” He’s not smiling. In fact, he looks
a little worried.
I feel like running away.
“I gotta go.” I take off the other direction and hear him yell my
name but I don’t stop. I just keep running into the school. I weave
in and out of people, not caring that tears are splashing my face.
I reach the bathroom and luckily it’s empty. I walk into a stall
and close the door and loose it.
This is
not happening
She doesn’t deserve him.
“Abby?” I hear Brooke’s voice. Dammit. I don’t want to see anyone
right now. I don’t answer. The problem is, I know she saw me
running in here. “Abby, I know you’re in here. Open up.” Without a
word, I open the door and she walks in. “Abby, what happened?” I
grab some toilet paper and wipe my eyes. I look down at my hands.
“I saw Lucas. Kissing Sarah. They’re together.” Brooke’s eyes go
wide. “Oh my God, are you serious? Did he say anything when he saw
you?”
“
No he just said hey. But
he looked scared. But I told him I had to go and took off running
before I did something stupid. I feel sick Brooke. I knew this
would happen. I didn’t have time to warn him of her plans.” I hold
my stomach and lean over like I’m gonna puke. She rubs my back and
sighs. “Jesus Abby I’m so sorry. If I didn’t know any better, I’d
say you’re still hung up on him. Big time.” I moan and close my
eyes. “Brooke this isn’t normal. I’m dating Brady and yet I’m
developing feelings for someone else. What the fuck is wrong with
me?”
“
Nothing is wrong with
you. It does happen. And for the record, Lucas isn’t just someone
else. He’s your best friend and ex. Y’all have a lot of history.
Hell, he’s helped you get through shit Brady wouldn’t
understand.”
True. Lucas is the one who was there when I
found out my dad was having an affair. We were 13 and my mom and
Sarah were gone. I was at Lucas’s house, which was just down the
street. We came back to my house and found my dad and his client on
the kitchen table, naked. I was embarrassed. But I think Lucas was
mortified, yet he comforted me and quickly got me out of the house.
I wasn’t sure if my mom knew or not but I couldn’t go back home.
Lucas made up excuses to keep me at his house for a couple of days,
which my parents were totally fine with. I was grateful for the
distraction. We were in his bedroom, which was decorated in Star
Wars theme. We sat on his bed and I hadn’t really spoken a word to
him, I felt numb, confused and humiliated. “So, um are you okay?
Wait, wrong question.” I could tell he was at a loss for words. I
found it really sweet. “I’m okay. I think. It’s just a shock. I’m
seriously disturbed by that scene we just witnessed. But I suppose
I’m thankful that you were there with me. I couldn’t have done it
alone.” I blinked a few tears away.
“Do you think your mom knows?” He was
rubbing my arm lightly. It helped ease my worries and
confusion.
“I’m not really sure. I don’t even know if I
should tell her.” He softly caressed my cheek with his finger,
brushing away all of the tears that I didn’t know were there. He
had a look of sorrow and something else in his eyes. We were young
and I never thought of Lucas in any way but a best friend, someone
I could share my deepest thoughts with without judgments. It was
our first intimate moment we’d shared. My heart was beating fast
and his touch sent electric shocks throughout my body. It was a
feeling I was unfamiliar with, yet I didn’t want it to end.
“
Do you need to go home?”
I stood up and walked over to the sink. I stared at my reflection
for a few minutes. I slammed my fist into the glass but it hit the
wall instead. I guess I got lucky it didn’t shatter. Ouch. There
was a shooting pain from my hand up to my shoulder. “Why? Why can’t
I let it be?” Brooke, alarmed took a step toward me unsure how to
react to my outburst. She reached out to touch my hand but I
flinched and pulled back. “Abby listen, you need to take a deep
breath. Maybe it’s not what you think. I doubt it’s serious. But
talk to Lucas, let him tell you what’s going on.” I ran my hand in
cold water. Damn that was painful.
Walking the halls like a zombie, I weave in
and out of the crowd to get to lunch. My stomach is not cooperating
and the last thing I want to think about is food. I wash my face
and reapply my makeup before going to class. Brooke stays with me
the whole time. We are late but we get a note from the nurse after
I get a bandage on my hand. It’s still sore but I suck it up and
deal with it. I don’t tell the nurse exactly what happened, just
that I had an accident and am pretty clumsy on a regular basis. I
decide I am going to forget about Lucas and try to avoid him at all
costs. He obviously doesn’t care enough about our friendship to not
date my sister. I mean seriously, how screwed up is that! What a
jerk! I guess our friendship meant shit to him. I keep telling
myself he’s not worth the tears anymore or sadness that I feel in
the pit of my stomach. I see Brooke sitting at a table with some
other students I recognize.