Authors: April Smyth
I lie with Oliver for a while and he tells me what happened after I blacked out. When I fainted, everyone immediately stopped everything and focused on helping me. They thought I’d died. They thought the magic had killed me but once they realised I was still alive, they were still worried that I’d been put into a coma. The witches prepared them that I might never wake up. I wince thinking about what that must have done to them. If someone told me Oliver, Rose and Gabe might never wake up again... I shudder. I really do have a lot of apologising to do.
‘But you’re fine now and that’s all that matters,’ he smiles down at me.
I guess I should be worrying about what will happen next. We will have to come up with a new plan to combat the vampires; we’re back at square one again but I don’t care. I’m too happy to worry right now. I’m alive and so is everyone I love.
‘Where is Gabe?’ I ask.
‘He went home first thing this morning to see Claire,’ Oliver says. I don’t feel remorse for yet another missing goodbye from my old love instead I just feel warmth. He helped me when he didn’t have to and I’m sure out there somewhere he is thinking of me. ‘He left you a note.’
Oliver reaches over to the side cabinet and pulls out a crumpled piece of paper and he hands it to me. I start to read and find my heart is melting with every word. It is the goodbye I always wanted from Gabe:
Dear Cassie Mueller,
I hope you wake up so you get the chance to read this. You better. I don’t think I will live with myself if you don’t. I know you and your boyfriend think I’m an asshole (I wouldn’t blame you). I’ve treated you horribly since the day we met, do you remember when we met? In the bar and I’d done like eight shots of whiskey. What a loser. It seems crazy that you ever managed to see beyond the bullshit and liked me. You might have even loved me, who knows why, but thank you for seeing that light inside of me. You gave me more to live for, more than you’ll ever know. You taught me to be good, brave, to trust my instincts and you taught me that redemption is never far away. You taught me that I didn’t have to be the puking guy on a Paris hotel room floor. I know it hurt you when I went away, when you thought I didn’t remember you and I’m sorry. I wish I could go back in time and do things better. I never wanted to hurt you. I wanted the opposite. I thought by taking myself out of your life forever then you would have a better chance of being happy. I guess I was just a coward. You might not think I love you very much or care at all but I do. I wish I’d called you, wish you didn’t have to find out about Claire the way you did because I know it must have hurt you a lot. It hurts me to see you with Oliver. It makes me so jealous to see another man hold you and kiss you but it makes me happy because I know I never could have made you happy like he does and I think you know that too. You know I would never have been good for you. I think about that first night in New York when I saw you outside and you were in your pyjamas and you looked so lost, frightened and hurt. I saw in your eyes what I did to you and it haunts me still. I broke you a little and I hate that someone else had to pick up the pieces because I was too scared to confront it. I wish I’d told you I loved you in person and been capable of giving you a proper goodbye but this is the best I can give you (which says a lot about what kind of guy I am.) Sometimes I think about that night and I wish I’d held you for longer, I wish I’d never stopped kissing you, I wish I could be the guy for you and I wish you could be the girl for me. You’re beautiful, so smart, so funny and brave. Wow. I’ve never known somebody as brave as you. I guess you get pretty brave when you’re bulletproof. I probably won’t see you again and I think that’s a good thing because it hurts us both to be near each other. I wish I could express to you how sorry I am that I hurt you and that I stole so many precious months of your life. I hope you can make up for that lost time and live your life to the fullest. I want you to know that I’m proud of you for what you did last night. You’re perfect the way you are. Don’t EVER change.
Love,
Forever,
Gabriel Greenall x
A tear falls from my cheek and onto the paper. It is a better farewell than I could ever have expected from Gabe. I didn’t think he was capable of passion, of spilling out his feelings and laying his soul bear to me. I fold the letter carefully and hold it close to me. I wish I could see him again and tell him that I forgive him. I don’t want him to live with the guilt of hurting me. I’m happy now, so is he, that’s what counts. I won’t hold it against him.
Oliver doesn’t ask what the letter says and I don’t tell him. This was a private moment, a written embrace, between Gabe and I. It wasn’t meant to be shared and I will hold it close to me for the rest of my life. This whole year I’d been waiting for Gabe to tell me how he really feels and to have it immortalised on paper makes it even more special to me.
‘What now?’ I ask.
‘Let’s go home,’ Oliver smiles back at me.
So we do. Oliver, Rose, Channing and I catch a plane back to Scotland the next day, Christmas Eve.
Saying goodbye to Arrow is harder than I thought. She insists she has forgiven me for ruining her spell and is just glad I didn’t get hurt. We hug. I’m going to miss her in a way. She was odd but she did a lot for me and if she ever needs a favour, I’ll be ready to help.
My future is uncertain but nobody is trying to mould it for me anymore. Nobody talks about a plan to kill all the vampires or to stop them hunting me. We are just happy to be alive and together and that feels incredible. I will live each day as it comes. I will spend as much time as I can with my family, with Rose and, of course, Oliver. I will put this year behind me, say goodbye to the pain and embrace the New Year with a new outlook.
When we touchdown at Glasgow airport, I let go of my last tear for a long time and it’s a very happy one.
TWENTY-SEVEN
‘Merry Christmas,’ my dad holds a glass full of champagne up and smiles. We clink our glasses and tuck into our meal. I’m the last to start because I’m too busy reveling in the moment. It’s Christmas Day and I am home with my family.
Across the table is Shannon, the picture of good health, and she is holding little Lily who is already growing up so fast. Beside Shannon is Jana and Bruce who wear matching Christmas cracker hats which are too big for their small heads and slip down their dark hair. My dad is to my left. He can’t stop looking at me, grinning. He can’t believe I’m home, I’m in one piece and I’m still me. He wept for hours when I showed up. He was so happy that I hadn’t gone through with the change. He said we could all battle the vampires if they showed up but there was no way I was changing who I was for them.
There are even newer additions to my family than baby Lily. To my right sits my handsome boyfriend. As I anticipated, my family adore him. My dad, of course, is naturally suspicious but when we sat down and told our story of the few weeks, well, there was no way they could deny Oliver a place at the dinner table. Okay, so they don’t know he’s a werewolf yet but I figure one thing at a time. Sitting beside Oliver is Rose and Channing who my family also adore. Shannon can’t stop blushing whenever Channing speaks to her and my dad can’t stop giving him envious glances.
There is a loud buzz of voices as we all eat, drink and talk. There is no mentions of vampires, witches, werewolves or any supernatural stuff. We tell silly jokes, reminisce of Christmases of the past and there is no scene in the world that could make me happier.
Oliver squeezes my thigh, ‘You look beautiful, Cassie.’
‘Thanks,’ I blush. I can’t believe how lucky I am. I don’t care if I have to fight a dozen vampires tomorrow as long as I get to have this moment. Watching Rose play with Jana’s hair, my dad make jokes with Oliver and Channing flirt with Shannon is surreal.
After the plane journey last night we stayed in a hotel before driving home. The entire journey I wondered how this was going to work. There is going to be a lot of distance put between us. Oliver lives miles away and Rose even further, how can I see them as often as I want? Well, I’m with them now. We can figure that out later.
Rose and Channing announce they have to leave promptly after dinner. I beg her to stay but she says, ‘I’m sorry I can’t stay longer, Cassie, but I really need to see my brother.’
I think of her sick brother and I send my prayers that he will make a recovery. She has wasted enough time with me; it is time for her to be with her family. ‘I’ll see you soon and I’ll call you every day,’ she grins. ‘And don’t think you’ll be escaping video chats either!’
I laugh and hug my best friend tightly, ‘Thank you for everything, Rose.’
She smiles at me. Channing helps her put on her coat and then they are gone. They disappear into the snow. Scotland seems to be under a full cover of white dust for Christmas which makes this scene even prettier. I made sure to take lots of photos of the day while all my favourite people were in one room although it is unlikely that the image will ever leave my memory.
At long last, I get to hold my baby sister and when I look at Lily’s tiny face I know that I’m going to be a good big sister to her. For the past eighteen years, I’ve always kept myself at arms length from my family. I loved them but was always scared they’d abandon me because I was a freak. I never want my sister to feel that way. I’ll teach her all the lessons this year has taught me. I’ll show all my siblings how to be happy with their lives. I always strived for me, always dreamed of things that I thought would make me happy but they never did. I don’t want them to go through that; I want them to learn from my mistakes and live full, satisfying lives.
My dad and Shannon agree to let Oliver stay the night but I know he’ll have to leave tomorrow. After dinner and countless games of charades, we all go to bed and it feels entirely dreamlike to have Oliver in my cramped single bed underneath the childish covers.
‘What are we going to do?’ I ask.
‘I was thinking I could buy a flat a little closer to you,’ he replies. ‘Not too close, I don’t want to be everywhere all the time. I don’t want to be that guy.’
I grin, holding him tight to me, ‘What if I want you to be that guy.’
‘You don’t. You want to go to University and make new friends and have an amazing life,’ he says and for the first time ever a normal life sounds extraordinary.
I arrived home to two acceptance letters to University: one from the University of Glasgow and the other from Edinburgh. ‘When I start University, we could get a flat together,’ I say.
‘We could,’ Oliver yawns. I guess we have had an exhausting couple of months. ‘We can do whatever we want.’
‘We can, can’t we?’ I smile. I wish I was feeling tired but sleep is the last thing on my mind.
‘Can you believe that we met in this room not so long ago?’
I shake my head, ‘No, it’s insane. I thought you were a crazy kidnapper.’
‘Nice first impression,’ he laughs.
‘What did you think of me?’
‘I thought you were very pretty. I instantly loved your eyes and your lips and your body,’ he says and he runs his hand down my neck, chest and stomach making my skin tingle.
I giggle, ‘Stop flattering me.’
‘I know you won’t believe me but I knew we would end up together from that first day,’ he shrugs. ‘I just had a feeling about you.’
For some reason, I do believe him. There had always been something there between Oliver and I, even if I had been in denial for a good section of our time together. It seems ludicrous that I was so against being with him. I think of the days we spent lying in bed together. I think of how close we came so many times. I guess I just needed more convincing. I rub my cheek against his chest and sigh. He’s a good convincer.
We kiss for a while and I start to get sleepy in the heat of his arms. I wish I’d realised as quickly as he had that we were a perfect match but I suppose sometimes two people take different paths to get to the same destination. My journey only makes it sweeter. My heart was broken and Oliver fixed it for me; I think that’s more romantic than if I had met him with a whole heart to give to him.