Carry Me Home (The Home Series: Book Three) (19 page)

“We are unless he wants another ass whoopin’.”

“Table’s all yours, Laura,” Jesse said, ignoring Brandon.

“Anyone wanna play?” she asked and Holly stepped forward.

“I do.  Wrack ‘
em,” Holly said, grabbing a stick. 

They’d always been competitive when they played and soon they were engrossed in their game.  Becky sat down on the couch and watched and then Brandon and Mandy disappeared.  No one asked where they were going because none of us wanted to know.  Jesse was leaning against the doorframe, his arms folded as his eyes drifted off to nothing.  I tried not to watch him and I realized the only way I could do that was by not being in the room with him.  I brushed past him, but not before catching a hint of his cologne as I walked back over to the table with the pile of bridal magazines.  I sat down and started flipping through them again.  I didn’t need to look at anything, but it beat standing in the back of t
he shed watching Laura and Holly’s pool game, sitting on the couch next to a girl I didn’t know, while trying not to focus on Jesse. 

“Back at it already?”
His deep voice cut through the night and I turned to see him walking towards me.  His hands were tucked in his pockets and his feet scraped against the ground as if he wasn’t sure he should be coming over.

“It was just a little crowded in there,” I said as he sat down beside
me.

“Did you get a lot done?”

“We just looked at some different ideas.”

“Can I see?”  He reached over,
grabbed the magazine from me and looked down at the woman modeling one of the wedding dress styles we’d marked.

“You don’t want to see any of this stuff,” I said with a laugh as I tried taking it back from him.  He put up a fight for a moment, but then his grin turned serious and he let go.

“You’re right,” he said softly, looking to me and locking his eyes on mine. “I don’t want to see you planning your wedding to someone else.”

I tried looking away, but as he continued to stare at me, everything we’d shared came flooding back.  The moment I saw
him walk into Mr. Barry’s class that first day.  The night he kissed me for the first time.  The look in his eyes when he realized what Alex had done to me.  Opening the door in Boston to see him wanting to bring me home.  The way he clung to me the night his father died.  The tears in his eyes when we said goodbye.  So many memories that I couldn’t shake and memories I didn’t want to let go of, but knew I had to.

“Jesse…you can’t say that,” I said, practically in a whisper, but could say nothing else. Instead, I stood up, leaving the magazine on the table and walking back towards the shed, just as Holly was walking out.  I tried not to look flustered, but s
he was eyeing me curiously.

“I’m getting a drink.  W
ant me to bring you anything out?” she asked as we stopped briefly.

“No, thank you,” I said, doing my best to act normal. “I was just coming to see if I could have the next game.”

“Laura killed me, so she and Becky are playing,” she said and I just nodded.

“I’ll go watch then,” I said as she headed in the direction of the house and I continued into the shed.

As I approached, I could hear the tapping of the pool balls sprinkled amongst Laura and Becky’s conversation.  I continued walking until I heard something that caused my body to tense and I stopped in my tracks.

“So
, that Jesse guy?  He’s the one you hooked up with last year?” Becky was giggling and I was nauseous as I held my breath, waiting for Laura’s response.

“Yes, but shut up.  I don’t want anyone to hear,” she said, shushing her cousin.

“He’s hot,” Becky continued to giggle and I heard Laura swat her. 

“He is, but shut up!” she exclaimed in a stern whisper. 

I closed my eyes, trying to process what I’d just heard.  It didn’t make any sense to me and I didn’t think I could move, even though I wanted to turn and get the hell away from Laura.  I took a deep breath, not realizing tears had formed in my eyes and my throat was knotted so tightly it hurt.  When I inhaled again, an embarrassing snort came out and I heard Laura and Becky’s laughter stop immediately.  A moment later, Laura poked her head out of the back room and when her eyes met mine, I could see the horror in them as she realized I’d heard every word of their little conversation.  She seemed as unable to move as I did, but when I heard her voice, it seemed to break the spell.

“Riley,” she whispered, taking a step towards me and then stopping, when she realized I had nothing to say to her.  We just stared at each other for a few seconds until I found my strength, turning on my heels and walking quickly out of the shed, where I could see Jesse still seated alone at the table I’d been sitting at with him only a few minutes before.  From the moment we saw each other that day in the grocery store, I’d been consumed with thoughts of him and how much I’d missed him, trying to push away the fact that I still loved him, despite my best efforts to deny that.  But, now, as I watched him staring down at the table top, I was filled with unbearable hurt, knowing what he’d done with someone who was supposed to be one of my best friends.  I thought I might be sick as I pictured the two of them together and I closed my eyes for a moment, a tear finally streaking
down my cheek as I hurried to wipe it away.  I’d wasted enough tears on him.  I walked as quickly as I could without looking like a maniac toward the house.  Holly was just walking out and I brushed by her, marching up the stairs to grab my purse so I could get the hell away from him once and for all.

“Riley?  What’s
goin’ on?” I heard Holly’s voice call as the screen door shut behind me.  I searched for my purse, finally finding it on the back counter of the kitchen.  I grabbed it, turning to leave, but stopped when I saw Jesse walk in. 

“Are you okay?  Holly said you seemed upset,” he said, stepping towards me.  I’d forgotten how tall he was, but it was all too obvious now that I wanted to get away from him as he blocked my path. 

“I just need to go home.”

“What’s
goin’ on?” he asked as I tried to step around him. 

“Just let me by,” I said, quickly darting around him. I’d almost made it to the door when I felt his grip on my arm, spinning me around to face him.

“Why are you so upset?” he asked.

“Let me go please,” I said sternly, staring hard at him with as much venom as I could muster.

“Not till you tell me what’s going on,” he said, still holding onto me and we stood silently, nothing being spoken between us besides my icy glare.  I don’t know how long we stood like that, but I finally just started talking.

“I know about you and Laura.” I yanked my arm forcefully and I was free of his grasp, but I didn’t go anywhere as I watched his expression sink in and he pulled his eyes from mine.

“Riley,” he began quietly.

“You’re not going to even deny it?”

“It was nothing.  Nothing happened.”

“That’s not what Laura says,”
I said, continuing to glare at him. “Now one of you isn’t being honest here and after everything you’ve put me through, I at least deserve the truth.”

He reached for me, but I backed away and his mouth opened and closed a few times before he finally spoke again.

“We met up when I was in Oklahoma.  I was drunk.  It was stupid, but nothing happened…not like you think.”

He was looking pleadingly at me, but
I couldn’t listen to him.  It shouldn’t matter anyway.  He wasn’t mine anymore.  He hadn’t been mine in almost four years, but it did matter to me and I was disgusted by the thought of him touching her.

“I’m calling bullshit, Jesse!
” I said, my voice quivering as I pushed the screen door open.  I walked quickly to my car, stopping to dig through my purse to find my keys.  I finally found them and unlocked the door.  Before I could open it though, Jesse was next me again.

“Riley, please,
don’t leave like this. Please stay and talk to me,” he pleaded, but I just stood there, staring bitterly at him. “Please say something,” he begged. 

“You want me to say something?” I scoffed. “I say you can go to hell!”

I didn’t wait for him to reply.  I just got in my car and sped away.

Chapter Twenty-Six

My mind was racing as I drove back to my house.  Technically, I knew Jesse and Laura hadn’t done anything wrong.  Jesse and I hadn’t been dating when they hooked up, but there was an unwritten rule about these kinds of things, a rule both of them had chosen to disregard.  What made it even worse though was the energy I’d wasted on Jesse since he’d come back to Carver.  I’d been crazy to think we could ever be friends again and I’d been even crazier to think he still cared about me.  I’d allowed him back into my life after he’d nearly destroyed me and I was on the verge of allowing him to destroy what I had with Evan.  Evan loved me and yet I found myself thinking more about Jesse than about my own fiancé.  Not anymore though. I was done with Jesse.  There was no going back and as I stood alone in my grandma’s old farmhouse, I finally got it.  I couldn’t hold onto the past anymore and that’s exactly what I’d been doing since he left.  I thought I’d moved on.  I’d thought I was over him, but I wasn’t, and I had to be.

My thoughts were interrupted by a knock on the door and I stood motionless for a second, staring at it, wondering if I should even answer it.
I walked slowly toward it, resting my hand on the doorknob, but I didn’t turn it.  I just stood there.  I couldn’t speak to anyone right now.  There was another knock, but this one was quieter, more timid in a way, and then I heard his voice on the other side. 

“Ril
ey.  Please open the door.” He sounded weak and defeated, but I still couldn’t bring myself to turn the knob and face him. “Please, Ry.”  He paused, waiting for me to do something, but I did nothing but stand there, tears burning the backs of my eyes.  It seemed as if we stood there forever, the only thing separating us, a thick oak door.  I could only imagine what he looked like on the other side, but then his hand started pounding on the door. “Dammit, Riley!  Open the door!” The urgency in which the door shook frightened me and the desperation in his voice ripped through me. “Open the door!  Talk to me!  You can’t do this!  You have to hear me out!”  His voice cracked and the pounding got weaker. “Please talk to me.  I’m sorry.” It suddenly grew quiet and then I thought I heard him crying through the door that separated us.  I’d never felt such anguish and I couldn’t take it anymore.  I blinked and the tears I’d been trying so hard to hold back came spilling down my cheeks and I fell to my knees, the sobs pouring from me now as everything we’d been through came flooding over me.  I wanted to open the door, but I couldn’t…not after everything we’d been through and especially not after what I’d learned tonight.   I’d let him in again and he’d broken my heart a second time. “God dammit!” He suddenly shouted, pounding the door once more and then I heard him bounding down the stairs and then the squeal of tires as he left. 

I stayed there for a while, just staring at
the door, huddled on my knees as I continued to weep, wishing I’d never laid eyes on Jesse Baylor.  My life would’ve been so much easier if I’d never met Holly that first day at Carver High or if he’d never set foot in my Constitution class.  If I’d never known him, I wouldn’t be feeling as if my heart was being torn from my chest after I’d fooled myself into thinking it had healed after the first time he’d ripped it out.  I’d never loved anyone as deeply as I’d loved him, but I’d also never suffered at the hands of someone the way I had with him.  I’d deluded myself into thinking I’d let him go, but the truth was, I never had and I was beginning to doubt if I ever could.    

I finally stood up
, wiping the tears from my eyes and trying to steady my breath as I went into the kitchen.  I got myself a glass of water before returning to the living room where I laid on the couch.  I turned on my side and stared at the blank TV screen.  I focused on the blackness as the tears fell silently down my face, gathering in a messy puddle on the couch cushion and pooling under my cheek.  I didn’t care though.  All I cared about was trying to stop imagining the two of them together.  The idea of it made me nauseous.  They were supposed to be two of my best friends.  Never would I have expected this from either of them.  Never. 

I was startled out of my
coma by another knock on the door and now I was just pissed.  He obviously couldn’t take a hint.  I sat up, stomping over to it. 

“What didn’t you get the first tim
e?  I don’t want to talk to you!” I seethed, swinging the door open, but then stopped when I saw Laura standing there looking terrified.  I stared open-mouthed at her, in shock she had the nerve to show up at my house.

“Riley,” she began meekly. “Can we talk?”

I continued to stare for a moment, stifling the laughter that wanted to escape from my throat at the gall she had showing her face at my house.

“I have nothing to say to you, Laura,” I said coldly.

“I don’t blame you, but it’s important that…”

“Are you deaf?” I interrupted.

“Riley, please…just hear me out.”

“You are unbelievable, you know that?  What could we possibly need to talk about?  Looks like you finally got your wish after all those years of pining over him.  And how was it?  Was it good?  Was it just as you’d imagined?  Should we compare notes?” I spat at her sarcastically. 

“I know you’re upset, but there’s no need to act like this,” Laura said defensively.

“You’re damn right I’m upset!   I’m pissed off!  You’ve been distant
for a while now.  I just thought it was typical growing up and growing apart, but now I know why.  You couldn’t face me.  And hell,” I sneered, staring her down. “I wouldn’t be able to face me either if I were you.  I mean…how could you, Laura?  He was my boyfriend and you’re supposed to be one of my best friends.  You knew everything we’d been through and you thought it was okay?”

I could see tears in her eyes as I continued to stare at her. 

“That’s why I’m here…so I can explain.  Please let me.”

The way she was looking at me made me kind of feel sorry for her and I finally relented, opening the door.  She walked in and stood awkwardly for a second while I went and sat on the couch.  A moment later, she sat on the other end.

“He couldn’t go through with it,” she said and I felt my back straighten at her words. “I wanted to.  I won’t lie about that.  I wanted it to happen and it would have, had he not stopped it.  He’d had too much to drink and it all just started happening, but when it came down to it, he only wanted you.”

I moved uncomfortably in my seat as I watched Laura’s eyes darting nervously around the room. 

“It was wrong of me,” she continued. “If I hadn’t kissed him, it wouldn’t have been an issue, but I did kiss him.  It was all my fault.”

“No, it wasn’t.  Don’t try and defend him.”

“I’m not defending him.  I just want you to know what happened and I swear, we didn’t sleep together.”

“But you almost did,” I said, as imagines of Laura seducing an intoxicated Jesse flashed through my mind.  Part of me didn’t blame her.  S
he’d known him long before I had and she had feelings for him long before I was ever a part of their lives.  The pain of an unrequited love can cause people to do foolish things and it was obvious once she got her chance with Jesse, she didn’t want to miss out.

“We didn’t go as far as you think
,” she said so quietly I almost couldn’t hear her and her eyes focused on the floor for a few seconds before she looked at me again. “I won’t lie and say I didn’t try to get him to, but he couldn’t.  I heard him say ‘I can’t do this to her’, and we both knew the her he was referring to, wasn’t me.” She wiped her eyes with the back of her hand.  I felt my eyes grow warm as well as I watched the pain on Laura’s face and my heart ached as I thought about his arms around her in a way I missed more than I wanted to admit. “He loves you, Riley.  He’s never stopped.”

I swallowed hard past the lump in my throat.  Part of me wanted to slap her and the other part of me wanted to wrap her in my arms to comfort her.  I didn’t fault her for loving Jesse.  It was nearly impossible not to love him and I knew it hurt her that he’d never loved her back.  I knew how hard it must’ve been to welcome me into their group when I first moved to Carver once she discovered Jesse had feelings for me.  She’d been nothing but suppo
rtive of our relationship, even though I knew it must’ve been killing her on the inside to watch us together.  I understood she thought she might have a shot with him once I was out of the picture and while her betrayal stung, looking at her sad, apologetic eyes, I knew she hadn’t done it to be cruel.  She just wanted him to love her the way she loved him. 

“Riley,” she sniffed softly. “I am so sorry.  I don’t know what I was thinking, but believe
me, I never wanted to hurt you.  It was a dumb, stupid thing for me to do.  I knew it would hurt you if you ever found out and I’ve felt terrible keeping it from you.  I know Jesse never wanted you to know.  He didn’t want to hurt you anymore than he already has and I…I don’t want to lose our friendship.”

My rage from earlier was gone as
I saw the agony in Laura’s eyes.

“I don’t want that either,” I said and a silence settled over us as hesitant relief spread over her face. “But…I still need some time…
ya know, to try and wrap my head around everything.”

Her hand loosened in mine and she slowly pulled back, the worry returning to her face.

“Yeah…of course,” she said nervously as she stood up. “I…I just…I just had to tell you what happened.  I’m so sorry, Riley.” Her voice cracked as she apologized again and before I could say anything, she turned and practically ran out of the house, leaving me alone to languish and wonder what in the hell had just happened.