Carry Me Home (The Home Series: Book Three) (8 page)

“There’s nothing lef
t to say.  It’s all been said.”  I tried to sound strong, but my voice betrayed me as it cracked and I swallowed through the lump in my throat. “Now you need to go.”

I stared at the creek in front of us and forced my eyes to stay there. I didn’t want to look at him again.  I knew he wouldn’t fight me or beg me to stay, but he sat there for a few moments before I heard him stand up and walk away.  I kept my eyes focused on the trickling water in front of me, not looking back, just as he had done the day he left. 

Chapter Eight

“You look like you have something on your mind,” my mom pointed out as we sat across from each other.  I’d been piecing at the chicken and rice on my plate, but I’d hardly eaten anything.  It’d been a couple of hours since Jesse left, but I couldn’t stop thinking about him or the conversation we had or the fact I’d remained down by the creek well after he’d left and bawled like a baby.  I knew I shouldn’t let him get to me, but after years of silence from him, it was hard not to be affected by talking to him. 

“Jesse came by today,” I mumbled softly and I could feel my mom staring at me.  I met her eyes and she was looking at me curiously.

“What’d he want?”

“To apologize,” I answered and my mom set her fork down and then wiped her mouth with a napkin while she waited for me to continue. “I couldn’t listen to it though.  He doesn’t understand what he did to me.”

“I hope you weren’t too hard on him, Riley.”

I felt my mouth hang open as I looked at her in disbelief.

“Why are you always defending him?”

“You’re being a bit dramatic, don’t you think?  I don’t always defend him.”

“You never got upset at him after he left.”

“Of course I was upset at Jesse.  I was angry by how much he hurt you, but I also tried to understand why he did what he did and I think he did what he thought was right.”

“Did Jesse and you have a meeting or something? 
Because you sound exactly like he him.”

“Again with the dramatics, Riley,” my mom said with a slight roll of her eyes.

“I’m not trying to be dramatic, but I think he has a lot of nerve just showing up and expecting me to accept his apology.”

“I don’t think he’s expecting you to accept his apology.  Maybe he just needed to say it,” she said and I paused as I thought about her words. “Riley,” she continued as she reached across the table and covered her hand with mine. “Jesse went through a lot.  He was trying to figure everything out and he did the best he could.  Hate me for saying it, but I think he did the right thing,” she said and I opened my mouth to interrupt. “And before you cut me off, I don’t think the way he did it was the right thing to do, but if you
had forced him to stay in Kansas, he would’ve eventually lost it.  He might never have recovered and it wouldn’t have been good for you.”

“So, what are you saying, Mom?”

“I’m saying that you have spent the last few years trying to understand why Jesse left the way he did and now he’s back and you have the chance to talk to him.  You have the chance to get your answers and maybe even be friends again.”

“Jesse and I can’t be friends again,” I said quickly.

“Maybe not the way you used to be, but Riley, what you and Jesse had was special and you can’t tell me you don’t want him back in your life in some way, even if it’s just to be civil towards each other and to know you’re both okay.” 

“I don’t know what I want,” I sighed. “I thought I was okay with everything.  I thought I was really over what happened, but seeing him…it’s made me see I’m not.  I mean…I’m over him,” I stammered, but I noticed the way my mom eyed me doubtfully. “Don’t look at me that way.  I
am
over him, but I guess I’m not over how things ended between us.”

“Then you might not want to miss out on your chance to get the closure you need,” she added and I just shook my head as I looked at her.

“I hate when you’re right,” I said, finally taking a full bite of my dinner and she just smiled.

Chapter Nine

Even though it had been a few days since Jesse came by, I couldn’t get our conversation out of my head and my mom’s words were always in the back of my mind.  I buried myself in my work while I was there.  It was my safe place.  The place I could forget about it all, or try to anyway.  So when the familiar bells jingled on the door to the flower shop, and I looked up to see Jesse standing at the front of the store, I didn’t know what to think. 

My mouth felt dry and I didn’t quite know how to react.  Things had
n’t ended well the day by my grandparents’ old garden.  I thought he’d understood I didn’t want to talk to him and yet he stood before me again.  I didn’t say anything as he made his way to the front of the shop where I was standing.  He stopped across from me, the counter separating us. I caught a hint of his cologne and I was surprised at what vivid memories could be conjured by a single scent. 

“Jesse…what’re you doing here?” I finally said after what seemed like forever.

“Actually,” he began and I had to give him credit.  He seemed relaxed and I wondered how he did it, unless he really wasn’t nervous, which I couldn’t understand how that could be possible. I felt like nothing more than a jumble of nerves. “I wanted to get some flowers for my dad’s grave.  I couldn’t keep avoiding you, seeing how this is the only flower shop in town,” he said with a quiet laugh in an obvious attempt to lighten the mood.

“Well, let me help you pick something out,” I said, trying to keep it strictly
business. “What’d you have in mind?”

“Um…I’m really not sure.  Flowers aren’t my strong suit.  I just want to put something there while I’m in town.  I feel badly that it’s been so long.”

“So…do you want something large or simple?” I asked, surprised by the normalcy of the conversation. 

“Probably something simple.
  You know my dad wasn’t one to make a big deal about anything,” he said and I nodded in agreement.

“No, he wasn’t.  Simple is best then,” I said, reaching under the counter and pulling out a book of arrangements.  I handed it to Jesse and he started flipping through it.  I stopped him when we came across an arrangement of carnations on the page. “If you want to go with meaning, carnations are good.  White carnations are for remembrance.”

“I didn’t realize flowers had meanings.” 

“Yeah, they do.”

“Interesting,” he nodded as he kept flipping through the pages. “What about sunflowers?” he asked, stopping on a nice, simple arrangement.

“They actually strand for adoration,” I said and he looked up at me contemplatively.

“My dad liked sunflowers,” he said softly.

“And you adored him,” I added quietly and he nodded as he swallowed hard.

“Can you just make me up a bouquet of sunflowers? I think that would work.”

“Of course,” I said and Jesse turned from the counter and began looking through the shop as I
got to work and a few minutes later, the arrangement was ready.  I looked up and saw him just staring out the window, his back turned to me.  I wondered if he was working as hard as I was to not pay attention to me as I was working to not pay attention to him. 

“It’s ready,” I called to him and he turned around and headed back towards the counter.  I handed it to him and he checked it out. “Is it okay?”

“It’s perfect,” he said and then it grew quiet.

“Is there anything else you need?” I asked, the normalcy I’d noticed earlier completely gone now.

“Uh…no.  I just needed the flowers.  Thanks,” he said, reaching for his wallet. “How much do I owe you?”

“No charge,” I said.

“Don’t be ridiculous.  How much?”

“Really.
  Don’t worry about it.”  He put his wallet away after he realized I wouldn’t take his money.

“Thank you, Riley,” he said, and before I could say anything, he turned and headed towards the door.  He opened it, but then he stopped and looked back at me, his mouth opening as if he wanted to say something, but no words ever
came and he walked out, the door closing as the bells jingled behind him. 

Chapter Ten

Brandon didn’t ask any questions when I called him wanting Jesse’s phone number a couple of days later.  I could tell he was suspicious though and I stared down at my phone, having typed in the number wondering if I should actually call him.  It was strange punching in the North Carolina area code instead of the familiar 602 of Kansas.  It was a reminder of his absence and how different his life was after leaving Carver.

I had been so sure I had nothing to say to him or that I didn’t want to
hear anything from him after that day by the creek, but after the talk with my mom and seeing him at work, I thought maybe I did.  I’d been angry when he showed up at my house.  I was just a mix of emotions and I couldn’t listen to him with a clear head, but after our meeting at the flower shop, I thought perhaps I could and probably should.   

I still wasn’t sure though when I finally hit the send button.  When I heard his voice on the other end of the line, I still hadn’t figured out what I was going to say.

“Riley?  Are you there?” he asked and I realized he must’ve recognized my number. 

“Um…yeah.
  Hi Jesse,” I eventually managed to get out. 

“Hey.” His voice sounded unsure.

“I hope you don’t mind, but Brandon gave me your number.”

“That’s fine,” he answered and my mind was racing to figure out what I was going to say. “I have to say I’m surprised you called though.”

“I’ve been thinking about…about our conversation we had at my house,” I fumbled and there was an awkward pause. “I shouldn’t have dismissed you so quickly.  Can we maybe talk again?”

The silence returned and I waited for him to say something. 

“Of course,” he said softly. “I’d offer to come into town, but I’m right in the middle of trying to get some work done on the house.  If you want to come over…I mean, if you’re okay with coming over, you’re welcome to.”

I didn’t say anything for a few moments as I pondered the idea of going over to Jesse’s place without the shield of my friends. 

“Um…sure,” I agreed hesitantly. “When should I come over?”

“Any time is good.”

“I’ll see you soon then,” I said, ending the call before he said goodbye. 

I wasn’t sure what the purpose of talking to him again was, but I tried not to think about
it as I drove out to Jesse’s and I told myself I’d figure it out when I got there.

When I pulled into the driveway, I parked beside an unfamiliar gray Dodge pick-up truck and walked nervously to the front door.  As I raised my hand to knock
, I looked around and I felt as if I’d been transported back in time.  Even though it’d been nearly four years since Jesse and I broke up, standing at his door still felt so familiar.  Everything looked the same.  The only thing missing was his old Wagoneer.  When I heard his steps approaching the door, my heart began to beat faster and when he opened it, I was worried I wouldn’t be able to say anything. 

“Hi,” Jesse said as he stood in front of me.

“Hi,” I answered back, surprised I was able to speak.

“Come in,” he said, stepping aside and I brushed past him, stopping in the middle of the kitchen.  Just like the night we’d all gotten together, it felt strange being back in his house.  It felt even stranger because none of our friends were there.  It was just Jesse and
me and I wondered why I’d called him.  Perhaps if I hadn’t seen him at the flower shop, I would’ve been able to ignore my mother’s words and just gone on as if he didn’t exist anymore, the way he’d forced me to do when he left. 

We stood awkwardly in the kitchen and then Jesse walked towards the refrigerator. 

“Can I get you something to drink?” he asked and I nodded, figuring a drink would be a good distraction. “I don’t have much.  Water or Coke.”

“Coke’s fine,” I said and he opened the fridge, pulling two out and handing me one.  I took it, trying not to focus on the way our fingers touched as he gave me the soda. 

“I was just boxing up my dad’s clothes,” he said, motioning down the hall.

“Can I help?” I asked, thinking a task would be a good way to avert some of the awkwardness.

“Sure.  If you want,” he said and I nodded before he turned and I followed him down the hall. 

The room looked exactly as it had the last time I’d been in it, the night Jesse and I looked through the box of pictures he’d found.  It was like looking into a time capsule.  Although our lives had been progressing, everything in this house had stood still.

Jesse had boxes spread out near the closet.  He opened his soda and took a drink before setting it down on top of his dad’s dresser and then pulling a plaid shirt out, folding it and placing it in a box.  I stood back for a moment, opening my own soda and taking a drink.  I set it down a moment later and walked hesitantly towards the closet where Jesse was reaching for another shirt.

“Is there any kind of organization to this?” I asked.

“No.  Just fold the clothes and put them in any box,” he said and we worked for a few minutes in silence that wasn’t as uncomfortable as I thought it would be. “I figured it’s time to start taking care of all of this.”

“What are you going to do with it all?” I asked as I folded a pair of jeans.

“Donate it.  It’s not doing anybody any good just hanging here in the closet,” he said and then paused for a bit. “I should’ve done it a long time ago, but…I haven’t been here to do anything.”

“Have you been back to Carver at all
since you left?”

“No,” he said softly, focusing on the shirt he was folding. 

“It must be weird to be back,” I said quietly.

“Yeah…it is,” he agreed
, tossing the shirt into a box and then he looked up at me. “Especially since I didn’t expect to find you here.  I mean…I figured it was possible, but I thought maybe you wouldn’t come back here during the summers.  I don’t know.”

I didn’t know how to take his comment. 

“And I didn’t expect to see you,” was all I said and it grew quiet, but neither of us took another piece of clothing to work on. “Was that why you stayed away?  Because of me?”

Our eyes met and his
looked sad.

“Partly,” he admitted and I nodded.

“Was that your plan?  To never see me again?” I asked, doing my best not to sound antagonistic.

“I don’t know what my plan was.  I just couldn’t come back to Carver.”

“But you’re here now,” I interjected softly and he nodded.

“I am.”

“And is it so bad?” I asked as a slight smile curled up on one side of his mouth. 

“No.  It’s not bad at all,” he said, finally turning and taking out another shirt and the silence settled in again as we worked. “I’m glad you called, Riley.”

I stopped what I was doing and looked over to him.  Jesse was focusing on the sweater he had in his hands and didn’t meet my eyes. 

“Yeah,” I said softly. “I’m sorry how things went the other day.”

“You don’t need to apologize,” he said, putting the sweater away and then placing it in a box before walking over and sitting on his dad’s bed.  He looked as if he was thinking and I didn’t know if I should keep working or join him.  “I’m surprised you even agreed to talk to me when I showed up at your house.”

“Yeah, me too,” I said
as I decided I should join him. 

We sat next to each other on the bed and I tried to ignore the pull I felt towards him.  We hadn’t been alone like this since the morning he left and after so long, I never thought we’d ever be together again. 

“I can’t defend what I did to you, Riley.  I thought it was the right thing to do.  I still think I needed to leave Carver, but how I handled things with us wasn’t right.  I wish I could take back everything I said to you and everything I put you through.” His voice was low and he was staring down at the carpet until his eyes rose and met mine. “Leaving you was the hardest thing I ever did and I know it wasn’t easy for you.”

“It
was hell,” I interrupted, doing my best to bite back the tears I could feel forming in my eyes.  I knew I shouldn’t be crying.  There was nothing between us anymore, but this was a conversation we should’ve had before he left, and all the emotions bubbling up were from that time.  All the feelings I was feeling had been suppressed since he left and since I had the chance to speak with him again, everything was coming to the surface.

“I know you don’t want to hear it, but I want you to know how sorry I am for handling it the way I did.  I never really thanked you for how you supported me when my dad died.  It was a bad time and I took you for granted.  I was so confused and scared and I didn’t think it was fair to you to bring you down with me.  Please believe me when I tell you I only had your best interest in mind.  I just wanted you to be happy and I couldn’t watch as I kept hurting you.”

“I wish you would’ve talked to me and told me how you were feeling.”

“I should’ve, but I didn’t.  I didn’t know how to make you understand and I’m sorry for not even giving you the chance to try and understand.  That was wrong on my part,” he said and it was quiet again as I thought about what to say.

“Would it have mattered anyway?  If you’d talked to me before you left?” I asked and he shook his head.

“Probably not.
  Not the way I was thinking back then.  I had my mind made up and I knew you would’ve just tried to change it.”

Our eyes met again and I
felt a lone tear escape as I thought back to the missed opportunities.  I knew he was right. I would’ve tried to stop him from breaking up with me.  I would’ve been furious and if I’d been like that, we wouldn’t have shared the precious moments we did before he left.  When I found out he was joining the Marines, I was devastated, but I’d resigned myself to the fact he was leaving.  I didn’t know he intended to end things between us, which allowed me to cherish the time we had together.  Looking over at him now, I knew it had devastated him as much as it had devastated me.  Before I could brush the tear away, Jesse reached into the nightstand and pulled out a handkerchief.  He handed it to me and I quickly wiped it away, embarrassed he was seeing me cry again.  

“I was so angry at you, Jesse.” M
y voice cracked through the knot in my throat. 

“I know you were and you had e
very right to be,” he said as his hand rested on my thigh and my eyes drifted to the familiar hands.  They looked older, more weathered and I knew they’d been through a lot since I’d last held them. 

“I just don’t understand how you just left without blinking an eye,” I continued as a few more tears escaped. 

“I know you think it was easy for me, but it wasn’t,” he said and I saw him swallow hard and when he spoke, his voice cracked. “I thought about you every day…I hoped you were okay.”

“Then why didn’t you call? Why did you just disappear?”

“Because I had to.  If I talked to you, I’d just want to come back and I couldn’t.  I had to do this and I wish I could have without hurting you.  I’m so sorry,” he continued and I just nodded as he pulled his hand off my leg. “I wanted to call you so many times though.  You don’t know how many times my finger rested on that send button, but I knew calling you wouldn’t be fair.” 

“Was it worth it?” I asked
after a few quiet moments and then dried my eyes, determined not to cry anymore. “Are you okay now?”

“It wasn’t worth the pain I caused you, but I think I’ve finally straightened myself out.”

“You’re good then?”

“I think so.”

“Did you like the Marines?” I asked.  I wanted to know about his life after he left and I hoped he’d share some of it with me.

“I did, but I’m anxious to get on with my life.”

“And what’s that going to consist of?”

“Going to school…like we’d planned four years ago,” he said, giving me a little grin.

“What do you want to do?” I asked.

“You’re gonna laugh.”

“Why would I laugh?”

“You just will.”

“Just tell me.  I promise not to laugh,” I prodded and then waited a few seconds before he told me.

“I think I want to teach history,” he said, eyeing me peculiarly as he waited for my reaction.

“Why would I laugh about that?”

“Because we used to make fun of Mr. Barry all the time.”

“Yeah, because he was such a tool,” I laughed. “Just make sure not to wear tweed or grow a mustache and you’ll be an awesome teacher.”

“I’ll be sure to remember that.  No tweed or
stache,” he laughed.

“
Have you decided on a school?”

“Not yet.  I’m thinking about
the University of Washington or Oregon.  Some place I’ve never been.”

“You’re not staying around Kansas then?” I asked and I wondered if he picked up on the disappointment in my voice.

“Nothing’s set in stone.  I’m not sure if I’m ready to come back to Kansas,” he said and I just nodded, before I noticed the curious expression on his face as he looked at me.  “And you’re good?”