Carry Me Home (The Home Series: Book Three) (7 page)

Jesse was cleaning up the grill and our eyes met again for a second before he quickly looked back down at what he was doing.  I glanced at my watch and then looked up to my friends, deciding it was time for me to go.  It had been an interesting night.  I hadn’t known what to expect or what I wanted to get out of it, but nothing had changed.  It appeared Jesse and I were incapable of holding any kind of meaningful conversation.  Hell, we could hardly look at each other.  I had no answers, not that I expected any, no better sense of closure and the only thing I was sure of was that being around him did nothing but conjure up memories of what we’d once had and I realized how painful it was. 

“Tonight was really great,” I said softly as I looke
d at everyone, aside from Jesse. “But I need to get home.”

“Are you sure?” Mandy whined.

“Yeah.  Sorry to bail, but I’m getting tired and I’m working in the morning.”

“We’ll have to do this again before everyone leaves,” Mandy said and she appeared to be the only one who didn’t realize why I was really leaving. 

“Yeah.  Let’s do that,” I lied. “I’ll see you guys later.”

I didn’t wait for anyone to say anything else.
  I just headed to my car and drove away. 

Chapter Six

I left Jesse’s
and drove around for a while.  I didn’t want to go home, but I didn’t want to stay at his house either.  I’d spent the last few years working to let go of what I’d once had with Jesse.  I’d tried to repair the hole he’d left in my heart when he walked out of my life.  I’d somehow forgiven him and moved on, but seeing him did nothing but conjure everything up again.  I still had a million questions for him that I knew I’d never have answered.  Even though Jesse and I had sat through a cookout together, I doubted we’d be having any heart to hearts ever again and I’d be left with having to settle for acceptance rather than answers. 

When I finally did go home, I wasn’t surprised to see Jack was there.  He often slept over.  It was a little weird when it first started, but now, it was almost stranger if he wasn’t there.  Rather than heading straight up to my room, I joined them in the living room and tried to figure out what was happening in the movie they were watching. 

“How’d everything go tonight?” my mom asked when the movie went to a commercial.

“Fine
,” I answered. “It was good to see everyone.”

“And Jesse was there?” she asked and I nodded. “And it was okay?”

“Yeah,” I said, but I could tell by the way she looked at me, she didn’t believe me. 

My phone rang just then and I reached into my purse to grab it. 

“It’s Evan,” I said, excusing myself to the kitchen. “Hey,” I said when I’d put the phone to my ear. 

“Hi,” his warm voice rang through the receiver.  I expected to feel a smile spread across my face the way it always did when I heard him.  It didn’t though and I knew my head was just too mixed up at the moment. “How was your day?”

“It was good.  You?”

“Can’t complain, except that you weren’t here.”
I could tell by the tone of his voice he was smiling and then I finally felt the edges of my lips curl up. 

“You know
you’re loving your bachelor life without me to tie you down.”

“You can tie me down any day.” His voice was low and husky and I started laughing.  Evan always knew how to cheer me up. 

“Well, come visit me and we’ll see what we can do.”

“Believe me.  I’m
workin’ on it.  You could come up here too, ya know.  You haven’t even seen my apartment.”

“I’ll get there,” I sighed, even though I didn’t have any desire to make the trek to Kansas City just yet. 

“Well, we gotta do something because I need to see you.”

My eyes glanced into the living room and I could see my mom looking back at me.  I didn’t want to have a conversation that I could feel was turning intimate in earshot of her and Jack.  I stood up and climbed the stairs, shutting the door behind me and sitting on the bed. 

“I miss you,” I said once I was in the safety of my room.

“I miss you too, Riley.  I didn’t think the long-distance thing would be this hard.”

“Me neither.”

The line went quiet for a few moments and I could hear his soft breaths on the other end. 

“Ya know,” he began. “There are a lot of opportunities for you here in Kansas City.  You could come stay with me this summer before you head back to school in the fall and then after that…who knows?  When you graduate, you could get a job up here.”

I didn’t know how to respond to Evan.  He’d hinted at me spending the summer with him in Kansas City, but he hadn’t brought up the subject of me moving there after graduation.  I wanted to be near him, but I wasn’t sure if Kansas City was the right place for me.  I’d only been there once.  Evan took me to a Royals game when the Red Sox were
in town.  It was a nice city, but moving away from Boston to Carver had been hard enough for me.  I was comfortable in Carver with my family.  If I moved to Kansas City, I’d be too far away from what I knew and loved, even though I loved Evan. 

“I know,” I finally said and I heard him sigh. 

“Won’t you even consider it?”

“We’ll see,” I relented.

“Wow,” he said with a laugh. “At least you didn’t say no.  We’re making progress.”

“So, what’d you do tonight?” I asked, moving the sub
ject away from me relocating. 

“Went out with a couple of guys from the office.
  Had some drinks and now I’m sitting here on my couch on the edge of inebriation, wishing my girlfriend was here with me.”

“You’re pathetic,” I laughed.

“I know,” he said and I could imagine him grinning playfully on the other end. “What about you?  Didn’t you say you were going to some old friend’s house?”

“Yeah,” I said, not bothering to expound on who the old friend was.  Evan knew about Jesse.
He didn’t know the whole sordid tale, but the inevitable exes talk had come up, but all Evan knew was that I’d had a boyfriend the summer before I got to K-State and he’d joined the Marines.  Evan knew nothing about the way Jesse had saved me from the whole Alex nightmare.  I hadn’t even told him about Alex or the way Jesse had come all the way to Boston when I’d wanted to escape it all.  He was clueless to the intensity of the summer when Jesse’s dad died, and Evan had no idea about the way Jesse had crushed me when he left. 

“Was your friend there?  The one who lost his leg?  What’s his name, Brandon?”

“Yes.  Brandon was there and some of my other friends from high school.  We just had some burgers and did some four-wheeling.”

“Y’all know how to live it up down in Carver,” he said and I knew he looked at Carver a little like I once had when I’d first moved from Boston.  Kansas City and Carver couldn’t be more different, which I think is one reason I’d been drawn to Evan.  He was from the city, like me. 

“I’ll make sure to show you a good time when you come to visit,” I said playfully.

“I can’t wait,” he replied and then I heard him sigh. “I hate to do this, babe, but I’m about to crash.  I just wanted to hear
your voice before I went to bed.”

“Go get some sleep, Evan.”

“Love you.”

“I love you too.”  The line went silent then and I put the phone on the nightstand before changing into my pajamas and going into the bathroom to wash my face. 

As the warm water splashed over my skin, I heard Evan’s voice in my head.  He loved me.  I knew he did.  I loved him too, but I couldn’t stop my mind from drifting back to tonight and being with Jesse again.  The whole night had me unnerved, having reawakened one of the hardest times of my life and I didn’t know what to make of all the pent up feelings. 

I decided to force myself not to think about it.  I wouldn’t see Jesse again.  He wouldn’t stay in Carver long and the same went for me too.  I’d be home for a c
ouple of months and then head back to finish my senior year.  After that, I’d move to Wichita or perhaps back to Boston or maybe even Kansas City.  It was anybody’s guess.  The point was, I didn’t need to worry myself about Jesse.  He’d disappear from my life once more and he would just be a memory again and I would continue to live my life, just as I had since the day he left.

Chapter Seven

T
he house seemed too quiet when I got home from work the next day.  I still couldn’t get used to the fact my grandma wasn’t there anymore and I didn’t like the emptiness of the house when I was there by myself.  I knew my mom wouldn’t be home for a while and I was still full from lunch, so instead of thinking about dinner, I made myself comfortable on the couch.  I was flipping through the DVR, deciding on which show to catch up on, when the doorbell rang.  I got up and opened it, not prepared for who would be standing on the other side.  Jesse. 

I’d been certain last night would be the last time I saw him, but it wasn’t.  He was right in front of me and I could tell he was nervous by the way he rocked subtly from his heels to his toes.  When our eyes met, he ran his hand through his hair, just like he used to when he was anxious.  His hair was shorter now though and I found myself missing the way the dark strands used to fall onto his forehead.  I remembered the way I used to brush it out of his eyes sometimes and when I caught a whiff of his aftershave, I found myself remembering so much more.

“Jesse,” I managed to finally say as he stood there. “What are you doing here?”

I heard him breathe in deeply before he looked at me again.

“I was wondering if we could talk.”

I stood in silence not knowing what to say.  He wasn’t supposed to be here and he wasn’t supposed to be asking me to talk.  We weren’t supposed to be having any more conversations.

“Um…”

“I understand if you’d rather not.”

“No,” I said more quickly than I expected, not wanting him to turn and walk away. “We can talk.” I made sure my voice was more collected and I motioned him inside.  He walked slowly and when I closed the door behind him, the house was even quieter than it was before.  He stood in the living room, his hands tucked deep in his pockets as he looked around the place that had once been so familiar to him.

“You guys finally got a new TV,” he pointed out and turned to me with a slight grin.  It disappeared though the moment his eyes met mine and he looked away. 

“Yeah,” I said softly. “My mom got it after my grandma left.”

“I heard she’s not doing well.  I’m sorry.”

“Thanks,” I said softly. “It’s tough, but we’re dealing with it.  Do you want something to drink?” I asked and I noticed how hard my heart was pounding. 

“No.  Thanks though.”

The silence was uncomfortable and I waited for him to say something.  He was the one who wanted to talk after all.  I thought we had nothing to say to each other.  He’d decided that when he left me with nothing but a note. 

“Do you
wanna go for a walk or something?” he finally said and his face looked confused and frustrated all at once.

“Um…sure,” I agreed softly.  I slid on my flip-flops and followed him onto the porch. 

The stairs creaked as we walked down the steps and we started aimlessly to the back of my house, towards the place my grandparents had once kept their garden.  It was now just a plot of overgrown plants and forgotten memories. 

We walked past the garden and ended up at the edge of the small creek that ran through the property.  We stood silently, side by side
, and I could barely hear the trickling of the water over the pounding in my chest.  I watched him out of the corner of my eye and he was staring at the water.  I don’t know how long we stood there like that, but he finally turned to me.

“How are you, Riley?” His voice was low and he looked at me with concerned eyes. 

“I’m good,” I said, trying to smile, but wondering what he expected me to say. 

“How’s your mom?  Is she still with Jack?”

“Yep.  She and Jack are strong as ever.”

“Think they’ll ever tie the knot?”

“They actually just got engaged.”

“Seriously?” he looked over at me, smiling and I knew he was happy for my mom.

“They’re getting married on June twenty-fifth.”

“That’s great.  Your mom deserves to be happy.”

“Yeah, she does,” I said, sighing as I wondered how much longer we could pull off the small talk.  I knew he hadn’t come by just to talk about my family.  If he’d really wanted to know any of this, he could’ve called any time.  I hadn’t changed my phone number since high school.

“And what about your dad and Robin?” he continued and I could tell he was struggling to keep the conversation going. 

“They got married.  They actually had a baby last year.”

“No kidding?” he asked as he looked over at me with a genuine smile. 

“Yeah.  Stephen Jr.”

“So, you’re not the spoiled only child anymore?” he grinned.

“I guess not,” I said, not returning the smile.  It grew quiet then and I decided to just come out and ask him why he’d come over. “Was this what you wanted to talk about, my parents’ love lives?”

His grin vanished and I saw the tension return to his face.  His eyes went to the ground for a few moments before finally meeting my gaze. 

“After seeing you last night…” he began and then paused before continuing. “I just felt like we needed to talk.”

Watching him stand there, so calm and collected, deciding now we needed to talk, nearly four years after he hadn’t given me that option, made me angry and frustrated.  Angry that he’d come back, making me question everything I’d worked so hard to forget, and frustrated he thought he had anything to say to me.

“What do you want to talk about?” I asked, keeping my emotions in check.

He sat down on the edge of the creek, resting his elbows on his propped up knees.  I sat down next to him, pulling on the grass beside me as I waited for him to begin.

“I just wanted to talk to you.  I wanted to see that you’re okay.”

“Of course I’m okay,” I said, surprised by the bitterness in my voice. “Did you expect me not to be okay?”

“I don’t know what I expected.  I guess I just wanted to see for myself that you’re happy.”

“Well, take a good look then.”

I saw his eyes glance over to me and I felt bad for snapping at him, but I couldn’t help it. 

“I want you to know I never wanted to hurt you,” he continued and I couldn’t bite my tongue any longer.

“Why are you here, Jesse?  What are you trying to do?” I demanded.

“Nothing.  I’m not trying to do anything, besides make sure you’re okay.”

“How can you tell me you never wanted to hurt me?  How am I supposed to react?  Nod and smile and say it’s alright?”

“I don’t expect you to react anyway but the way you want to,” he said, his voice low and gentle, the way it always was.  I knew he wouldn’t bait me or try to defend what had happened between us.  He’d let me yell and scream or cry if that’s what I needed to do, because that’s just the way Jesse had always been. 

“I don’t even know what to say to you
.  I never expected to see you again.  There was so much I wanted to say to you after you left, but when I realized you planned never to talk to me again, I knew I’d never get the chance, and now that you’re back, I don’t know if I have anything to say to you.”

“I don’t blame you for not wanting to talk to me, but for what it’s worth, I’m sorry, Riley.  More sorry than you could ever know.”

His words echoed in my ears.  Two words that were meant to heal, instead wounded me even more.  Sitting beside him again made me realize the hole he’d created when he left had never healed.  It had merely scabbed over and hearing those words from him that told me he still cared, even after all this time, caused the scab to rip open and the wound felt as fresh as the day I read the letter that told me we were done. 

“You’re sorry?” I
asked, my voice barely above a whisper. “You’re kidding me, right?”

“No, I’m not kidding.  I am sorry.”

“You break up with me…in a note…after you left for boot camp…after you joined the Marines without even telling me…after changing all of our plans and all you can say is you’re sorry?” I was trying to control the quivering of my voice as I told myself it shouldn’t matter.  Jesse hadn’t been part of my life in nearly four years.  I’d moved on.  I was in love with someone else, but if it didn’t matter to me, why was my heart crushing again?

“Of course it’s not all
I can say, but it’s all I can think to say because I can’t stand the thought of you hating me.  I already hate myself enough for what I did to you.”

“I don’t hate you.  I never hated you,” I said softly. “But…I…I…just,” I stammered as I tried to ask the one question I wanted to know. “I just nee
d to know why you did it, Jesse.”

He sighed deeply and he ran a hand over his head.

“I was in a bad place, Riley.  I’m not trying to make excuses for what I did, because there are no excuses.  But you have to know, leaving you was the hardest thing I’ve ever done.”

“Then why did you?” I demanded as I felt tears burning the backs of my eyes. 

“I was scared.  I didn’t know what I was gonna do.  I had no way of paying for college.  I had to get away.  I couldn’t stay here and I couldn’t watch as I dragged you down with me.”

“You wouldn’t have dragged me down.”

“This is exactly why I did what I did.  You still don’t see where I was back then.  After my dad died, I wasn’t good for you.  I hurt you over and over again and I said things to you I never should have and I did things I never should’ve done.  When I realized how messed up everything was, I just had to get away and try and figure out my life.”

“But why couldn’t you talk to me face to face?  How could you just give Matt a letter?  After everything we’d been through, I thought I deserved more than a note,” I said, surprising myself by the calmness of my voice, but before I could stop it, a tear fell down my cheek.  I quickly brushed it away as the feelings of the day I read the letter ripped through me with renewed pain and I could tell he was struggling with what to say. 

“You did deserve more, but I couldn’t do it, Riley.  Call me a coward, but at that point, there was nothing I could do.  I’d joined the Marines.  There was no backing out and I couldn’t watch as you tried to convince me to stay.”

“If you recall, I didn’t try and convince you to stay after I realized it was what you wanted to do.  I was ready to support you in everything, but you decided otherwise.” I didn’t raise my voice, but it was stern and wavering as I continued to fight with the tears wanting to spill over. 

“Because I didn’t want to hurt you,” he said gently and I looked up, our eyes locking and I could feel the pull between us that had always been there. “I know you don’t understand or even believe me, but I only wanted you to be happy and you couldn’t have been happy with me.”

I blinked and I realized I’d lost the battle as the tears cascaded down my cheeks.  I didn’t bother wiping them away because I knew they’d just come back. 

“What right did you have to make that choice for me?” I thought I saw him shudder at my words. “Do you know long I waited for you?  How long I waited for my phone to ring?  How long I waited for you to tell me you’d made a mistake?”

“Riley,” he said and I saw him swallow hard. “You don’t know how many times I wanted to.  How close I came, but I couldn’t.  Not after the
way I ended things between us.  I promised I’d never hurt you and I ended up being no better than Alex.  I didn’t think it was fair to call you, to barge back into your life.  I thought it was better if I just stay away. I’m sorry.”

“Well, Jesse, you can be as sorry as you want to be, but it still doesn’t change what you did. If you didn’t want to be with me anymore, that would’ve been fine.  That would’ve been your choice, but I at least deserved to hear it from you…not in a letter with no chance to respond. 
Instead, I was left to sit and wonder what I’d done to make you think so little of me that you were able to do what you did.”

“
God, Riley,” he groaned, running a hand nervously through his hair. “I was so screwed up back then.  I didn’t know what the hell I was gonna do.  I couldn’t take care of you because I couldn’t even take care of myself and I couldn’t hold on to you for my own selfish purposes.  I wanted to be with you, but I couldn’t.  I won’t deny how I handled it was wrong, but you have to know it wasn’t because I think so little of you that I did what I did.  I did it because I think so highly of you and I didn’t want to be the one to screw up your life.”

I finally wiped my eyes so my face was a dry, red mess and I looked over to him again.  He was staring back at m
e with an intensity that seemed to burn through me.

“Jesse,” I said, taking in a deep breath. “You had your chance to say what you needed to say when you left, but I didn’t.  When I said goodbye to you at the airport, I was saying a temporary goodbye.  I didn’t know you were going to drop off the face of the earth.  I didn’t know you were going to just turn your back on everything we meant to each other.  I didn’t know it was over and you just don’t do that to someone you claim to have cared about.”

“I can’t deny anything you’re saying.” His voice was low again and he stared at the ground for a few moments before he looked at me again. “I wish there was something I could say to show you how sorry I am.”