Carry Me Home (The Home Series: Book Three) (4 page)

“Hey,” I said as I walked out onto the porch and sat down on one of the old white rocking chairs.

“Hey.” His warm voice washed over me and I relaxed.  I’d been a crazy mix of emotions since seeing Jesse, but I was glad I’d picked up the phone.  Knowing Evan was on the other end of the line helped set my mind at ease.

“It’s good to hear your voice,” I sighed, leaning back into the chair.

“You okay?”

“I’m fine.  It’s just been a long day.”

“What’d you have for dinner?” he asked.

“I made spaghetti.”

“
You
made dinner?” he said with a laugh and I grinned at his insinuation. “What was the occasion?”

“Just felt like it.  What are you doing tonight?”

“Not much.  Just eating some leftover pizza and watching TV.  Wish you were here though.”

“Me too,” I said softly, closing my eyes.

“I miss you, Ry.”

“I miss you too.”

“I was thinking I’d come down in a few weeks.  Would that be okay?”

“Seriously?”

“Yeah.
  It’s only a four hour drive. I could come for a long weekend if that’d be alright.”

“Of course it would be.  I can’t wait actually,” I said and I smiled as I heard him breathe on the other end of the phone.  I missed Evan and I needed to hear him tonight.  We stayed on the phone for another hour talking about nothing really, mostly our jobs, but it was good just to talk and keep my mind off of the day’s unexpected events.  When we finally hung up, I just sat on the porch, rocking slowly as the crickets chirped around me.  A train whistle blew in the distance and I closed my eyes as I listened to a sound I’d always associated with Carver…of home, but as I listened this time, it suddenly didn’t feel so much like home anymore.  

Chapter Four

Mandy and I told Brandon we’d stop by after work and hang out.  I was nervous as I approached his house though and I found myself looking for the familiar Wagoneer Jesse drove.  I knew it was stupid.  He probably didn’t even drive it anymore.  I didn’t even know when the last time was he’d been in Carver.  The old Jeep probably didn’t even run anymore.  Still, I looked for it and breathed a sigh of relief when I didn’t see it out front.  Mandy’s car wasn’t there either.  Brandon answered when I knocked on the door and I could tell by the way he looked at me, he knew I’d seen Jesse.

I followed him into the living room where we sat on the couch and I started talking before he could say anything.

“Why didn’t you tell me Jesse was back?” I asked him.  I heard him sigh and look away for a moment before he turned back to me.

“I didn’t know he was coming.  He said he might,
but I didn’t know till he got here.”

“You could’ve called me, Brandon,” I said, and I hoped I didn’t sound as agitated as I felt.  I knew I had no reason to be upset with Brandon, but I wanted to blame these
emotions on someone and he seemed like a good target. 

“I was gonna.  I didn’t think you’d run into each other at Dillon’s.  I thought I’d have time to talk to you…to see if you even wanted to see him again.”

“I was just…well, I was shocked when I saw him.  Some warning would’ve been nice.”

“I know and I’m sorry.  It couldn’t have been easy to just run into him like that.”

“No, it wasn’t.  It was completely awkward,” I said and then looked to him curiously. “What’d he say about it?”

“Not much.  Just that he’d seen you and he hadn’t known what to say.”

“How long’s he staying?”

“I don’t know.  He didn’t tell me
,” Brandon said as both of our heads turned when the doorbell rang.

“Enter!” Brandon called out and I heard feet that sounded much too heavy to be Mandy’s walking towards us.  I got a nervous twist in my stomach as I thought about who it probably was.  My fears were founded when Jesse’s tall frame entered the room.  He couldn’t have been
surprised to see me.  My car was out front.  It was the same car I’d had since I’d met him.  Even so, when our eyes locked, it was with the same look he’d given me at the grocery store. 

“Hey, Jess,” Brandon said, his voice finally breaking our locked stare.

“I’m sorry if I’m interrupting,” Jesse said, looking over at Brandon as if I didn’t exist. “I came by to see if you wanted to head to the shooting range.”

“Um…” Brandon
hesitated as he looked over to me. “Mandy and Riley were coming over to hang out.”

“I should’ve called, but I was heading out there to see Glenn and though
t I’d come by and see if you wanted to come.  We can catch up another day,” Jesse said and I saw his body shift as if he was going to leave.

“You should stay,” Brandon said and he looked over to me for approval. “It would give us a chance to catch up.  All of us.”

Jesse turned to me and somehow I nodded.

“Yeah.
  You should stay.  Mandy will be here soon.” I don’t know why I encouraged him to stay, but I didn’t want to see him walk out that door.

“Are you sure?” he asked and I could tell he was nervous by the way he shifted his weight from one foot to the next.  I nodded again and he took a few slow steps into the living room, sitting on the couch beside Brandon.  It was more than obvious he’d avoided sitting next to me.  The room was awkwardly quiet and so unlike the way it used to be.  My friends and I used to be so comfortable with each other.  That had all changed now though and I’d wished it could be different.  It should be different.  It seemed like a life time ago since Jesse left.  I’d gone to college. I’d fallen in love with someone else.  Jesse had joined the Marines and had been God knows where doing God knows what with God knows who.  We had different lives now and it didn’t matter that we’d once been in love, so deeply in love it made my stomach hurt sometimes, the fact was, that was the past and this was now. 

I watched Jesse as discreetly as I could and I knew he was nervous.  He probably thought I was still mad at him and I knew he wouldn’t be the one to talk first.  I had to show him I was over everything that had gone down. 

“I’m sorry I was so abrupt at the store yesterday,” I said and Jesse turned to look at me. “I was just shocked to see you.”

“Me too.  I didn’t know you were back in Carver,” he said, but then our conversation was interrupted when there was a knock on the door.  I knew it was Mandy by the quick footsteps.  She stopped at the entrance of the living room, her mouth agape when she saw Jesse.  It was obvious Brandon had neglected to relay the news of Jesse’s homecoming to Mandy as well by the way she was staring at him, her eyes darting between him and me.  If it wasn’t already awkward enough, the way Mandy looked at us made sure everyone was aware of the tension in the air.

“Jesse,” she whispered softly as her eyes locked on him.  I could see she was going to cry and when she finally blinked, tears spilled down her cheeks. “Jesse!” she shouted excitedly, having found her voice.  He stood up and she
practically ran into his arms. “What are you doing here?” she sniffled as she wiped her eyes when she’d let him go. 

“I came to see Brandon.”

“Well,” she said, looking at us all with a huge smile. “This is…well…I don’t know the words, but this is awesome!  I didn’t think we’d ever see you again, Jesse.” She reached over and hugged him again. “Does Holly know you’re here?” Jesse shrugged his shoulders. “Well, Holly has to know because she’d want to see you.  We have to get together…the way it used to be!”  Her voice was chipper, but my eyes drifted slowly to Jesse and I saw he was eyeing me too.

“Slow down, Mandy,” Brandon finally interjected. “We don’t even know how long Jesse’s in town for.”

“Well, let’s ask him then,” she grinned, turning to Jesse. “How long are you here for?”

“I…I haven’t decided yet,” he stuttered.

“Then we have to get together before you leave.  I’m gonna text Holly right now,” she said, whipping out her phone and she started typing away furiously. “It’s too bad Laura’s all the way in Oklahoma.  We should all be together.  It’s been for…” and then she suddenly stopped, her eyes raising slowly up from her phone, her mouth open as her eyes got wide and she stared at me. “I’m sorry,” she winced quietly as if the awkwardness of the situation was just registering with her. “I got too excited and I didn’t even think about you two.”

“You’re fine, Mandy,” I said and then her gaze moved to Jesse and he smiled easily.

“It’s okay,” he added.

“Should I send the text then?”

“It’d be nice to see Holly,” Jesse said and a little part of me cringed because I’d been hoping he’d say no.  I didn’t know if I really wanted to hang around like old times.  I’d put the past behind me, but having Jesse so close didn’t make it easy to forget how he’d broken my heart.  When we’d said goodbye that day at the airport, I’d been hopeful about our future. I knew it wouldn’t be the future I’d envisioned and I was terrified of spending the thirteen weeks he’d be at boot camp apart, but I knew when he got done, our life could be some kind of crazy adventure.  When he’d said goodbye to me, I hadn’t expected thirteen weeks apart to turn into forever.  I’d replayed our goodbye about a million times in my head and looking back, I realized I shouldn’t have been as shocked by his letter as I was. 

“
Don’t forget how incredible you are.  You’re going to have an amazing life.  Take care of yourself and remember how special you are.  You’re gonna be alright.”
 

The words he’d said to me as we said goodbye at the airport churned over and over and I understood he’d been telling me goodbye then, I just hadn’t wanted to hear him.  His letter had made it perfectly clear though:
 

Dear Riley,

Let me start by telling you how much I love you. I never thought I would love someone as much as I love you. You are the best friend I’ve ever had and I will miss you more than you could possibly know.

I’ll never forget when I first saw you sitting in Mr. Barry’s class, looking bothered and annoyed, but you were the most beautiful girl I’d ever seen. I think you already know this, but I fell in love with you that day.  The time we’ve spent together have been the best of my life, even if it’s been hell lately.

I had to leave Carver because I can't be the one that drags you down with me as I try and find my way. I love you too much to do that and while you may not see it now, you’ll realize it’s for the best. You deserve to be young and happy. You deserve to have a normal college experience. You don't need a boyfriend half a world away dampening your life. You need to laugh and have fun. If this summer has taught me one thing, it’s that you deserve someone better than me. You deserve someone who can offer you more than I can. I could have been that someone, but since my dad died, I've been broken. You’re too good for me.

I realized this that day I walked in on you and Matt in the flower shop.  You were so beautiful and happy and you didn't even realize I was watching you. You were smiling and laughing and I realized I couldn't remember the last time we'd laughed like that together. You deserve to laugh and be happy. You deserve someone who can give that to you.

I’m sorry for saying goodbye this way, for taking the coward’s way out, but I couldn’t stand to see the look on your face as I tried to explain and I needed the opportunity to say this without interruption. I never hurt so much as when you're hurt and I’m sorry that I’m hurting you, even though I promised I never would. So, it turns out, not only am I coward, but a liar as well.  I guess it’s just more proof that I’m not good enough for you.

I will never forget our time together and all the memories that I will take with me wherever I go. Please live your life and be happy. That’s all I want for you because you deserve everything you want in life. Thank you for loving me and letting me love you. I hope one day you can forgive me for doing this to you, because I don’t think I’ll ever be able to forgive myself.

-Jesse

I’d read that letter more times than I could count until I eventually threw it away six months later.  Holding onto it only made me sad, reminding me he had chosen to leave me and I knew it’d be impossible to move past him if I held onto it.  Still, I remembered reading it the first time, that day on the couch when he left, Matt at my side.  I didn’t know how to react.  I felt sick, like I might throw up, and the tears poured down my face, although I didn’t make a sound.

“Riley.  I’m sorry.” I could still hear Matt’s voice and I could feel his arms around me as I cried into his chest. I’d thought it would always be Jesse and me and as I came to the realization he had other plans, I didn’t think I’d ever be okay again.  It’d been the worst day of my life.  Worse than the day I discovered Alex had used me because I loved Jesse and the thought of never seeing him again was not something I could wrap my mind around. 

“Great!” Mandy’s
lively voice brought me back from my reverie. “Text is sent.”

Jesse sat down and Mandy took a seat beside me.  The room was quiet until Mandy’s phone beeped a second later.

“Okay…so…” Mandy said as she scanned her phone. “Holly is stoked you’re in town and totally wants to get together.  She can’t come tomorrow, but she’ll be in town Friday afternoon.  How does that work for everyone?”

We all glanced around the room, making eye contact and nodding and Mandy grinned.

“Excellent!  Where should we meet up?” she continued and I wondered if she realized she was the only enthusiastic one in the room.  Her smile got even bigger and she looked at Jesse. “What about your place, Jess?  I mean, it only makes sense.  That’s where we always hung out.  Can we meet there?  Ya know, make burgers, go four wheeling?”

Our eyes all focused on Jesse and I wondered what he’d say.  I knew he hadn’t sold the house yet, but I didn’t know if he’d want us all there. 

“Um…yeah…why not?” Jesse said, shrugging his shoulders and I didn’t know how to take his reaction.  I couldn’t tell if he really wanted us to come or if he just didn’t know how to get out of it without sounding rude. 

“If you’re not up to it…” I interjected, but was cut off by Jesse.

“It’s fine, Riley,” he said, looking over to me. “It’ll be good to have the company.”

My phone buzzed just then and I glanced down at the text from my mom. 

“Um…my mom wants me to join her for dinner with my grandma tonight,” I said, reading the text, relieved in a way because even though I said I was okay sitting in the room with Jesse, I knew I probably wasn’t.  My mom had given me an excuse I didn’t even know I needed. “I’m sorry to bail, but I’ll see you guys on Friday.  Text me the details, okay, Mandy?”

“Yeah, sure,” she said, giving me a curious look.

“Have fun,” I said and didn’t bother waiting for them to respond as I walked out.