Carry Me Home (The Home Series: Book Three) (3 page)

“It feels kinda weird to be back and know it’s not just on leave.”

“What are you gonna do next?”

“I’m not really sure.  I’ll probably take some classes at the college until I figure it out.”

“I’m sorry I wasn’t better about keeping in touch while you were gone.”

“I know things got kinda crazy here after I left,” he said and we both knew what he was referring to.

“Still…I should’ve bee
n better about writing to you.”

T
hen he looked at me with a serious expression that I rarely saw on Brandon’s face. “Have you talked to him at all?”

“Who?”

“You know who.  Jesse.”

I moved uncomfortably in my seat at the mention of his name.

“No,” I said softly.

“You know he didn’t want to hurt you, don’t you?”

“Let’s not talk about this.  It’s the past and it’s done.  I’m over it.”

“Are you?”

“Of course I am.  It’s been almost four years.  I’d be pretty pathetic if I was still sitting around like a loser reject waiting for someone who obviously didn’t want me to come back.”

“He didn’t want to do it.  He had to do it.”

“I know that, Brandon.  It took me a long time to realize that, but I get it now, but it doesn’t mean we have to talk about it.”

“I can respect that,” he said and paused for a moment before continuing. “Mandy tells me you’
ve got a new man.”  He had a smug grin on his face and I just nodded my head. “Tell me about him.”

“Not that you need to know any details, but his name is Evan.”

“That’s it?  His name?  What’s he do?”

“He just graduated.”

“Ah…an older man,” he said, shooting me a wicked grin again.

“He just got a job in Kansas City.  He’s an accountant.”

“Sounds like a real exciting guy.  What’d you get him for his birthday?  A pocket protector?” Brandon started laughing. I tried not to, but his laughter had always been contagious and soon I was laughing too.

“He’s not a nerd.  He’s actually really great.”

“Does he treat you right?”

“He does.”

“Then I’ll try and like him…if you ever introduce him to us.”

I just nodded and then took a breath before asking him the question I’d wanted to know since he’d left Carver.  Even though I’d just told him I didn’t want to talk
about Jesse, it was too tempting and I couldn’t stop myself. 

“How’s Jesse?”

“He’s good.  He’s getting ready to get out actually,” he said and I was surprised.  In a way, time had never moved so slowly as it did after Jesse and I broke up, but at the same time, it had also flown by. 

“What’s he gonna do when he’s out?”

“I’m not sure.”

“Well…tell him I said hi when you talk to him again.”

He looked at me and one corner of his mouth curled up into a smile.

“I will.”

I knew the conversation was done…or at least I’d hoped it was done.  It was hard talking about Jesse, probably because I hadn’t done it in so long.  Sitting with his best friend though and being back in Carver brought back a lot of memories though…memories I’d tried to forget.

Chapter Three

I saw my grandmother at least twice a week and my family and I made our best efforts to have lunch or dinner
with her as often as we could.  Between my Uncle Mike and Aunt Debbie and my mom and I, we made it work.  I’m not sure if she even knew we were there sometimes, but we still went.  It was a nice place and she had pictures of my cousins, Danny and David, and me everywhere.  I tried bringing her fresh flowers from work whenever I could.  It made the room sunny and cheerful. 

I hated Alzheimer’s.  It was a horrible disease, worse than death sometimes.  It didn’t just take my grandma’s mind away where she didn’t know me, but it took away her personality and who she once was.  My grandma always had a light in her eyes.  It was hard to explain, but she just made people happy when she was around them.  That light was still there, but it was dimmer now an
d I worried about the day it would be extinguished forever.

Some days were good and some days not so good.  As I sat across from her playing a game of
Yahtzee, I watched her shake the cup and thought today seemed like a good day.  I thought she recognized me a little. 

“Well, look at that,” her slow voice said as she smiled down at the dice. “I got another
Yahtzee.”

“You sure did, Grandma,” I replied even though the dice showed three fours, a one and a two. 

“I think I’m gonna win.”

“I think you will too,” I said, smiling at her and she handed me the
cup.  I started shaking it and watched as the dice spilled on the table. 

“How’s Jesse?” she asked as I counted my points.  Her question caused me to stop what I was doing and look at her.  This wasn’t the first time she’d done this.  She often forgot I was no longer with Jesse.  I was actually impressed she remembered Jesse at all.  Whenever she asked about him, I didn’t correct her.  It wasn’t worth it and I didn’t want to confuse her even more.  I’d be lying if I said it didn’t get me thinking about the
past though when she brought him up.  It was even more emotional this time because seeing Brandon had conjured up so many old feelings as well. 

“He’s good,” was all I said, hoping her memory would slip and we’d focus back on the game.

“Can he play with us next time?”

“Sure,” I said, handing the cup back to her and I saw one of the nurses, a sweet girl named Paula, walking towards us.

“Barbara,” Paula said in a sweet voice, resting a hand on my grandma’s shoulder. “It’s your turn for a haircut.”

“Didn’t I just have a haircut?” she asked, confused. 

“It’s time for another, Grandma,” I said, taking her hand and pulling her to her feet. 

“Well, okay,” she agreed as I walked her over to where a woman from a local salon had set up shop. 

“I’m gonna go now,” I said to her after I’d eased her into the chair and then she cocked her head, looking at me peculiarly and I knew the light was out and she didn’t know who I was.

“Excuse me?  What’s your name again, honey?”

“I’m Riley,” I said, smiling at her, even though I felt the tears forming in my eyes, just like they always did when she forgot who I was.

“Nice to meet you,” she said, smiling at me, even though her eyes were vacant. 

It was hard visiting my grandma.  Sometimes I wanted to drive away from the nursing home and never come back.  It would’ve been easier that way.  I wanted to remember my grandmother the way she’d been, not who she had become.  I couldn’t do it though.  Even though it was hard, I didn’t want her to appear as one of those old people who had no one that loved them in the world.   She was loved and because of that, I’d keep going.

As I drove towards my house, I was tired.  It’d been a long day at work and I wanted to get home and rest, but then I remembered how bare the fridge was.  Mom had been working crazy hours
at the hospital and I didn’t feel like having another sandwich for dinner.  I made a right turn and headed to Dillon’s. 

I ha
ted going to the grocery store and I walked up and down the aisles mindlessly, filling the cart with anything that looked good.  It was always a bad idea to go shopping when hungry and the contents of my cart reflected that.  I walked down the cereal aisle and my eyes found the Lucky Charms. I smiled and stopped, picking up a box and looking down at it.  It’d been at least two years since I’d had a bowl of it, but it used to be my staple breakfast food.  When I’d first moved to Carver, my grandmother had loaded the cupboards with it since I’d loved it so much as a kid.  When I left for college though, my days of Lucky Charms had practically ended.  They looked good though and before I could give it a second thought, I put the box in the basket.

I looked up and started pushing the cart, but then I froze and it felt as if everything around me stood still, like one of those scenes in a movie where the world was spinning around the character nonsensically.  The soft music playing fro
m the PA system went mute and the other shoppers were nonexistent.  My heart started pounding and I felt the breath escape me and all I could see were his gray eyes.  I saw him, but I knew it couldn’t be him.  He’d disappeared from my life…from everyone’s life.  No.  It couldn’t be him, but then I heard his voice, and it sounded just as I remembered.

“Riley.” His voice was low and nervous and I knew it was him.  I’d already known, but when I heard my name float off his lips, I finally believed it.  I’d always loved the way my name sounded when he said it.

It had been nearly four years and he stood only yards away from me now.  I’d wondered where he was and if he was okay and now I knew.  He was here, standing so close I only needed to take a few steps to be next to him again, but I didn’t move.  I stayed still, taking him in.   He looked even better than I remembered.  He looked more mature and I didn’t doubt he was.  Everything he’d been through the summer his dad died and time in the Marines would force anyone to grow up.  His dark hair was cut shorter than I’d ever seen it with a perfect fade and trimmed sideburns.  He was wearing dark jeans and a black t-shirt, which showed he’d bulked up since he’d been away.  He wasn’t smiling and his eyes were as wide as mine as we stared at each other.  I took a step to turn the cart and leave, but I couldn’t move.  It seemed like he wanted to do the same, but his feet stayed planted firmly to the ground and our eyes remained locked.  Even if I could move, I knew I couldn’t.  We couldn’t just walk away from each other as if we were strangers…as if we’d meant nothing to each other, but I didn’t know what to do and so I stood there, trying to control the beating of my heart.

“Jesse,” I finally said.  I was expecting my voice to be louder than it came out.  I don’t know who made the first step, but we were walking slowly towards each other and soon we were only a few feet apart.  He smelled just as
a I remembered.  Fresh cologne and something else I’d never been able to pinpoint…but it was all him.  Ever since he left I’d tried to put him behind me and tell myself it was for the best, just as he’d insisted, but now that he was right in front of me, everything came rushing back. “What…what are you doing here?” I stammered.

“Brandon…I came to see him.”

“He…he didn’t tell me you were in town,” I said softly, unable to meet his eyes again.

“Yeah…I didn’t tell him.  I just
kinda sprung it on him.  It was a last minute decision.  I just got in last night,” he said and an awkward silence settled in between us.  I knew I should probably say more, but my mind was racing as I tried to comprehend that I was actually talking to Jesse, that he was really here and I wasn’t just imagining this.  Part of me wanted to run away too.  It was almost suffocating being so close to him after all this time.  I wanted to slap him and yell at him and run into his arms all at once.  I didn’t, of course, and we just stood there.

“Well…” I said as I finally looked up to meet his eyes again. “I…I should go.”

“Yeah, me too,” he said softly and we stood there a moment longer before I found the strength to finally turn the cart around and head in the opposite direction, feeling the distance growing between us as I tried to figure out why there was a lump growing in my throat.  And then I paused and turned to him, when I heard my name again. 

“Riley!” Jesse’s voice called out and I tried ignoring the ache in my heart at the so
und of my name on his lips. “It was good to see you.”

“You too,” I said, my voice pushing painfully through that lump in my throat. “I’m glad you’re okay.”

And this time when I turned away, I didn’t look back.

****

Somehow I’d managed to check out and pay for my groceries.  I’m not sure how coherent I was and my mind got lost in the rhythmic beeps as the checker moved my items across the scanner.  I’d swiped my card, loaded the groceries in the trunk and drove home robotically.  I didn’t even turn any music on.  I just stared at the road, replaying the encounter over and over in my mind.  The road became blurry at points, but I refused to let any tears escape.  I’d already wasted too many tears on him.  I was over him now and I wouldn’t waste anymore. 

I unloaded the groceries when I got home, forcing the image of Jesse from my mind whenever he tried to invade my brain.  It was a futile effort
though because he always managed to sneak in somehow.  I could still hear his voice and when I closed my eyes, his intoxicating scent was still there.  The pain I’d finally escaped returned, raw and fresh and I shook my head, begging him to stay away.

I busied myself making dinner. I’d never been known for my culinary skills and my mom
was  surprised when she got home and saw dinner on the stove.  It wasn’t much, just spaghetti and a salad, but she seemed grateful to see a hot meal waiting for her.

“This is really good.  When did you learn to cook?” she asked with a slight laugh after a few bites. 

“I don’t think I have.  I got lucky I guess.  It doesn’t take a lot of skill to brown some ground beef and dump a jar of Ragu on top.”

“Well, it’s delicious.  Thank you.”

“You’re welcome,” I said and we continued to eat in silence, which wasn’t normal.  One of us was usually babbling away about something, but not tonight.  It was quiet and I knew she was suspicious by the way she eyed me from across the table.  I couldn’t stop thinking about my run in with Jesse.  It was almost like a dream and I found myself asking if it had even been real. 

“Are you okay, Ry?” my mom asked after the silence had lingered too long.

I looked at her and thought for a second about telling her I was fine…that I’d just had a long day at work…that I missed Evan, but she knew me too well and she’d know I was lying.

“I saw Jesse today,” I finally said and I saw my mom’s fork full of spaghetti stop mid-way to her mouth.

“Did I hear you correctly?  Did you say you saw Jesse Baylor?” She looked at me and I nodded. “Where?”

“At Dillon’s.
  We ran into each other in the cereal aisle.”

She set her fork down and just stared at me. 

“How is he?”

“He seemed okay.  We didn’t say much,” I said softly and we were quiet again.

“Are you okay?” she asked, raising a concerned eyebrow. 

“I’m fine,” I said, trying to sound nonchalant. “It’s been forever.  Why wouldn’t I be okay?”

“It couldn’t have been easy seeing him after all this time…especially with how things ended between you two.”

“It was strange, I’ll admit.  It was like I couldn’t believe what I was seeing at first.”

“Will he be in town long?”

“I don’t know.  I think he came to see Brandon, so I doubt he’ll be here long.”

“How do you feel about that?” she asked and the way she was eyeing me reminded me of Matt and the way he looked at me when trying to get me to delve into the deep recesses of my mind. 

“I’m fine.  His life isn’t here anymore, so it’s probably best if he just leaves town again.”

My mom didn’t say anything for a while, but I knew she wasn’t buying my complacency. 

“Do you think you’ll get a chance t
o talk again?” she asked and I thought about it and then shook my head.

“No, I doubt it,” I said as I pushed the spaghetti around on my plate.

“Isn’t there anything you want to ask him?”

I put my fork down and then looked up at her.

“No.  He made his decision when he left.  I have a new life and I’m happy.  It’s probably better if we just leave the past behind us.”

“That’s a very mature attitude,” my mom said and I noticed the surprised look on her face.

“Well, I’ve grown up a lot since Jesse left.  He needed to go and I understand that now, but it doesn’t mean I want to rehash it.”

She just nodded and we kept eating until our plates were clean.  We loaded the dishes into th
e dishwasher my mom had installed a couple of years before.  It was a luxury she finally decided we couldn’t live without and I had to agree with her. 

My phone rang as I placed a glass in the top rack.  Wiping my hands on the dish towel, I walked over to it and saw it was Evan.  Normally, I would’ve picked it
up right away, anxious to hear his voice, but as I stared down at his picture on the screen, I was filled with mixed feelings.  I think I was still in shock over seeing Jesse and I didn’t know if I had the energy to talk to Evan, but then I thought perhaps hearing Evan’s voice was exactly what I needed after my encounter with Jesse and I picked up the phone.