Carry Me Home (The Home Series: Book Three) (9 page)

“Yeah.
  I’m fine,” I said, trying to sound confident, when the truth was, my confidence had been shaken from the moment I saw him in the cereal aisle at Dillon’s. 

“How’s school going?”

“Okay.  One more year and I’m done.”

“I hear you’re going to be a physical therapist.”

“That’s the plan.”

“What do you want to do with it?”

“I’m not sure yet.  Maybe work at rehab center or maybe even in a school.”

“Have you thought about a veteran’s hospital at all?” he asked and I found myself smiling as I thought about Brandon.

“That’s actually a really good idea,” I said and then I noticed the way he was looking at me, as if he wanted to ask me something and he wasn’t sure if he should.

“Mandy tells me you have a boyfriend,” he eventually said and the ease with which we’d been talking was instantly gone the moment his words left his mouth.

“Yes, I do.”

“Is it serious?”

“Yeah.  Evan and I have been together about a year now.”

“And what does he do?”

“He’s an accountant.  He lives in Kansas City actually.”

He nodded and then a small smile spread on his face.

“I’m glad you’re happy,” he said and then paused for a moment. “You are happy, right?”

“Yes,” I said quickly. “Evan and I are happy.”

The room filled with silence again and I found myself wanting to know about his love life since he’d been gone.

“And what about you?
  Are you seeing anyone?”

“No,” he answered.

“Have you?” I continued to pry, even though I knew I shouldn’t.

“I’ve seen a few people,” was all he offered and I just nodded, wishing I hadn’t brought it up.  While we’d been cordial to each other, I doubted either of us was really comfortable discussing our relationships. “Nothing serious though.”

I just nodded and decided to steer the conversation away from the subject.

“How long
will you be in Carver then?”

“I’m still not sure.  I’ll stay here until I figure out what to do.  I need to head back to North Carolina to
tie up some loose ends and get…” he said, but was cut off by the ringing of my phone.

“I’m sorry,” I grimace
d, grabbing it and quickly looking down at it and I could feel my face curling up in surprise when I saw who it was. “It’s my Aunt Debbie.  That’s weird,” I said, looking over to Jesse. “She never calls me.”

“You should get it.”

I nodded and held it to my ear.

“
Hello?”

“
Riley, honey,” my aunt’s voice said and I don’t know why, but I instantly sensed something was wrong.  I don’t know if it was the tone of her voice or the fact that she sounded too sweet, but I knew.

“Hey,” I said nervously. “Is everything okay?”

“Yeah,” she said, but I sensed hesitation in her voice. “Everything’ll be fine.” She paused and I looked over to Jesse anxiously.  His eyebrows creased in concern and I just shrugged. “It’s your grandma.”

“What’s wrong?” My voice was hurried now and Jesse looked even more worried.

“They’re not sure, honey.  Why don’t you come on down to the hospital?”

“Hospital?”

“They brought her here just to be safe.  Just come down.  We’ll fill you in when you get here.”

“Okay.” I pulled the phone slowly from my ear, sliding it back into my purse. “I…I’ve…I’ve
gotta go.  It’s my grandma.  She’s at the hospital.”

I stood up, looking around to make sure I had everything and started walking towards the front door.

“What’s the matter with her?” Jesse asked, following me.

“My aunt didn’t say.  I guess they don’t know.  I just need to get down there.”

“You’re in no state to drive.” I felt his hand rest on my arm as I was getting ready to leave.

“I’ll be okay.  I don’t even know what’s wrong yet and I’m not gonna worry until I know there’s something to worry about.” I was trying to really think that way, but I could feel tears threatening at the back of my eyes.

“I’m sure everything’s gonna be fine, but let me drive you.”

“You don’t have
to…” I began to protest, but then he reached for my keys and I knew he wouldn’t relent, so I just sighed and forced a smile. “Thanks, Jesse.”

He didn’t say anything, but he nodded and I followed him outside
.

Chapter Eleven

My aunt met us in the waiting room.  She looked tired and I knew she was trying to hide her concern when she saw me.  I also noticed the way she looked at Jesse, obviously surprised to see him standing next to me, but she didn’t say anything. 

“Where’s grandma?” I asked, not bothering with a greeting.

“She’s resting.”

“What happened?”

“They think she had a heart attack.”

“A heart attack?” I whispered as my eyes grew warm. “Will she be okay?”

“She should be alright in time.  They’re just watching her now.”

“Can I see her?” My voice was wavering, but she nodded and I followed her, Jesse a few steps behind.

It didn’t ta
ke long to get to my grandma’s room.  I followed Aunt Debbie inside and stopped when I looked over at the bed where my grandmother laid.  Her eyes were closed, obviously sleeping, and the heart monitor beeped rhythmically, like a pendulum keeping time.  Her skin was pale and her mouth was dry, with white flakes around her lips.  She didn’t look a thing like my grandmother. I felt a hand slide into mine and I turned my head to see Jesse beside me and when I looked down, our fingers were curled together.  His touch was so familiar and I felt myself calm knowing he was at my side.  When my eyes traveled back up to his, I was taken back to the last time we’d been together in a hospital…the day after his father died.  Jesse had been so lost and I’d just wanted to be there to support him.  I tried imagining what he’d been feeling that day, and even now as I waited on news about my grandma, I knew I could never understand what he’d been dealing with.

My uncle was sitting in a chair beside my grandma and I looked around, wondering where my mother was.

“Where’s Mom?” I knew she had to be here.  She worked here after all.

“She’s just talking with the doctor,” my uncle said and he stood up, walking over to us.  He gave Jesse the same look Aunt Debbie had. “Jesse,” my uncle’s deep voice said as he extended a hand.  Jesse let go of mine and shook it.

“Good to see you, Mr. Smollett.” Jesse’s voice sounded surprisingly strong, even though I knew he had to be nervous seeing my Uncle Mike for the first time in almost four years. 

“
Don’t look so sullen, kid.” Uncle Mike turned to me and he was smiling under his thick mustache. “Your grandma’s gonna be fine.” He gave me a side hug that seemed a little awkward.  I hadn’t grown up knowing my aunt and uncle.  I’d only met them a handful of times before I moved to Carver.  Over the years though, we’d developed the best relationship we could, but it was still a little forced at times.  My uncle didn’t quite know how to deal with girls, having only sons, my cousins Danny and David. 

“Are you sure?” I asked, stepping back to my place beside Jesse.

“Nothing’s for sure, honey,” Aunt Debbie said, walking over and running a hand through my grandmother’s hair.

The door opened then and my mom walked inside.  She was in a pair of blue scrubs and I focused on her face.  My aunt and uncle could tell me whatever they want
ed, but I only trusted my mom.  She looked tired, but she didn’t look nearly as frantic as I felt. 

“Hey, baby,” she said, giving me a quick hug. “I’m glad your aunt got a hold of you.”

“How’s grandma?”

“She’ll be okay.”

“Really?” She could sense my doubt and she hugged me again.

“Yes.  It was a mild heart attack.  She’ll stay here for a few days, but she’ll be okay.”

I let out a noticeable sigh and I felt Jesse’s hand on the small of my back.  He looked relieved when our eyes met and as suddenly as his hand had appeared, it was gone. 

“Hello, Jesse.” I’m not sure if my mom was just noticing the fact he was with me, but she was looking at him with an expression I couldn’t explain.  She didn’t look angry.  She looked relieved actually and then she smiled, walking over to him and wrapping her arms around him.  The way she held him reminded me of the way she’d been there for him the night his
dad died.  My mom was a petite woman and Jesse towered over her, but just like that night, he seemed so vulnerable in her arms.

“Hi, Mrs.
Regas,” he said when they pulled back.  His voice wasn’t nearly as strong as it’d been with my uncle.  It was timid, as if he was preparing for my mom to start berating him over the way he’d left things. “Riley and I…we were just talking.  I…I hope you don’t mind that I’m here.”

“Not at all,” she said and then looked over to me and I cou
ld tell she had questions, but they would obviously have to wait. “It’s really good to see you.” She reached out her hand and rested it on his arm, causing the anxious look on his face to recede a bit and he seemed to relax. 

He hung back while
I walked over to my grandma.  I took her hand in mine.  It was soft and warm.  I was always amazed at how soft her hands were.  It was probably from all the Liz Taylor White Diamonds lotion she applied every morning and every evening.  She still had it at her nursing home and I caught a whiff of it as I stood above her bed.  Her eyes flickered a little bit and then they opened for a moment.  They were a dull gray instead of the bright blue I still remembered.  They floated closed and her head tilted to the side and she was out again. 

The door opened
then and a nurse walked into the room.

“I’m sorry to interrupt, but I need to get Barbara’s vitals.”

I squeezed my grandma’s hand and leaned down, kissing her on the cheek, before turning away.  The nurse slid by me and began entering something into the computer on the cart she’d brought in with her. 

My mom motioned for us to step outside the room
, and we all followed her into the hallway.

“
She looks terrible, Mom,” I said.

“Don’t worry, Riley.  I would tell you if you needed to worry.  Give her a few days and she’ll be back to her feisty self.” I wanted to believe her, but the thought of anything happening to my grandmother freaked me out. 

“Listen to your mama,” Aunt Debbie piped in and I turned to her and nodded.  I knew she was right.  My mom would never lie to me about something as serious as this. 

“I’ll finish up my shift here and then stay with her for a while,” my mom said.

“I can stay,” I offered quickly.

“No offense,” my mom began. “But, you’ll just get in the way.  Come back tomorrow and see her.  She
should be awake by then and hopefully you’ll get to talk to her.”

I knew she was right.  I wouldn’
t do any good just sitting in the room getting in the way of the doctors and nurses who were trying to look after her. 

“Go on home and we’ll call you if anything changes,” my uncle said as the nurse walked out
of the room, smiling at us before heading down the hall.  My aunt and uncle gave me a hug before going back into my grandma’s room and I turned back to face my mom again.

“Promise you’ll call if anything changes, right?” I asked
anxiously.

“Of course,” she said
and then turned her attention to Jesse who stood quietly next to me. “Why don’t you come to dinner tomorrow, Jesse?”

I could tell by the look on his face he didn’t know what to say.

“That’s really nice of you to offer, but I don’t want to impose with everything that’s going on right now.” I couldn’t tell by his tone if he genuinely didn’t want to come or if didn’t feel he should come. 

“You wouldn’t be imposing.  It’d be a nice distraction.” She smiled again at him and I saw the edge of his mouth curl up a little. “Please come.”

“Okay,” he relented. “Thank you.”

“Six o’clock okay?”

“Sounds good,” he said and then my mom leaned in, giving me another hug.

“I’ll see you when I get home, whenever that is.”

I nodded and watched as she joined my aunt and uncle in the room, leaving just Jesse and I alone in the hallway. 

“
Are you alright?” he eventually asked and I nodded.

“Yeah, I think so.”

“She’s gonna be okay.”

“I know,” I agreed
and then looked over to him again. “Let me drive you home.”

Chapter Twelve

We didn’t say much as we drove back to Jesse’s, instead letting the music of Graham Colton on my iPod fill the silence.  I waited for Jesse to make a wise crack about my choice of music, the way he used to.  I almost wished he would to lighten the mood, but he remained quiet.

“Thanks for coming with me,” I said when I pulled up in front of his house.

“I’m glad I was here.” I waited for him to open the door and get out, but he didn’t.  He just sat there for a few quiet moments, his eyes focused ahead. “You wanna come inside?  I mean…it’s getting late and you haven’t eaten and I don’t think you should be alone right now.”

He looked over to me, his
eyes sparkling from the dashboard lights and I could tell he meant what he said.  Even after everything we’d been through, he still cared about me.

“Okay,” I said simply, turning the car off and following him to the front door.

“I don’t have much in the house,” he said, flicking on the kitchen light as I sat at the table and he began rummaging through the fridge. “Are bologna sandwiches okay?  I’ve got pastrami too.”

“Pastrami’s fine,”
I said. “Can I help?”

“Just sit and relax for a bit.”

I nodded and watched as he put the sandwiches together as I leaned back in my chair, relaxing for the first time since getting the phone call about my grandma.  The silence in the room was broken by my ringing cell phone though and I instantly tensed up again as I feared it was my mom calling with bad news.  I was relieved though when I saw it was Evan.

“Hey,” I said into the phone.

“Are you okay?” he asked right away.  The worry must’ve been evident in my voice. 

“Yeah…yeah, I’m fine.”

“What’s goin’ on?” he persisted and I sighed. “Riley.  Talk to me.”

“I’m fine, Evan.  My grandma’s in the hospital.  I just got back.”

“Is she okay?” he asked quickly.

“Yeah, she will be.”

“Are you okay?”

“I’m just tired.
”

“Do I need to come down there?”

“No.  I’m fine.  She’ll be okay.  I’m just drained.  Emotional overload, I guess.”

“Hey…I’m sorry, babe.  I’m glad she’s gonna be alright though.”

“Can I call you tomorrow?” I asked, not wanting to talk to him about it right now. 

“Sure,” he said, and I could tell h
e was taken aback. “I love you.”

“Love you too.” I hung up the phone and I saw Jesse eyeing me
, but he didn’t say anything and a few moments later, he set a plate and a glass of ice water in front of me and placed a bag of chips between us.  We ate quietly and when we were done, Jesse gathered the dishes and set them in the sink before joining me back at the table.  I knew I should get up and go home, but I didn’t want to go.  I didn’t want to be alone right now.  I knew my grandma would be okay, but I didn’t want to go home and stew over it.

“Can we go for a ride on the mule?” I asked suddenly and he turned to me, obviously surprised by my request
, but then he smiled.

“Yeah, let’s go.”

We walked outside and the little red truck was in its usual spot.  I didn’t wait for Jesse and I jumped into the passenger seat.

“You don’t
wanna drive?” he asked.

“No.  I just
wanna ride.”

He got in and turned the key.  It turned over, but didn’t start.

“C’mon,” Jesse grunted as he kept turning the ignition and pumping the gas. “Piece of crap,” he mumbled and then it finally sputtered to life and he grinned victoriously and turned to me. “Where to?” he shouted over the rumbling engine.

“Surprise me,” I called back and we lurched forward, bumbling up the driveway until Jesse made a sharp left and then we were flying as fast as the little truck could carry us down the road.  My hair blew wildly around my face and I didn’t bother trying to hold it back.  It felt good whipping around, the warm air gli
ding over my skin. 

“I’ve missed country
cruisin’!” he called over to me. “All we need now is some Florida Georgia Line and this would be perfect.”

“That is one thing I didn’t miss when you left. 
Your terrible music!” He just grinned at me and I smirked, surprised by the ease of our banter. 

“It’s better than that angst
-ridden crap you call music!” he shot back and I just glared playfully at him. 

“That angst
-ridden crap is awesome!” I laughed, but he just shook his head and throttled the accelerator, forcing me to grasp the roll bar just in time for him to hit a dip in the road, causing my stomach to flip flop.  I’d forgotten how much fun this could be and as I glanced over to Jesse, barely visible in the dim headlights, I could see enough of his face to know he was having fun too.  It felt as if he’d never left.  As if we’d just picked up where we’d left off, before the police showed up at Jesse’s house that night, shattering his entire world.  I found it hard to think of that Jesse, not after the way everything had changed when his dad died.  The happy memories were sometimes hard to recall because the emotions after the death of his father had been so intense.  The hurt in his eyes, the pain so deep, I could only watch and try and help him.  It was easy to remember those things because they’d burned so deep into both of us and it had destroyed something I’d thought to be indestructible.  Watching his smile though and hearing his laughter as we tore through the thick, summer air, my mind moved past that time, back to when he was happy…when we were happy and I remembered what it felt like before it all changed and I missed it. 

I don’t know how long I watched him, his eyes so intently focused on the road, but he turned to face me, smiling, almost shyly and I looked away, hoping he didn’t see the redness in my cheeks.  I saw the dark silhouette of the trees lining Mrs. Kramer’s property and I knew that’s where we were headed.  Nervous knots twisted in my stomach as
we drove closer.  Going back that night with Brandon, Mandy and Jesse had been strange enough, but now it was just us.  Jesse and me…alone, and I didn’t know how that would feel. 

He eased the mule to a stop at the edge of the pond and when Jesse killed the engine, it was too quiet.  The water looked black as I stared ahead.
  There was only a sliver of moon in the sky, offering very little light.  Jesse got out and started heading towards the dock.  I got out, more slowly than him, watching as he walked, remembering that day he stood on the same dock, pulling his jeans on over his wet skin.  He’d teased me about watching me as I climbed out of the water in just my underwear.  We were still so innocent at that point, but then I glanced at the grove of trees not far from the pond and I stared at the spot where that innocence had been lost and I felt a twinge in my heart from the beauty and pain of everything that happened there.  I’d loved him so much.  Deeper than I’d loved anyone and I’d thought nothing would change after that.  I’d never been more wrong about anything in my life. 

He was standing at the edge of the dock now, hi
s hands tucked deep in the pockets of his jeans as he stared down into the water.  I walked towards him, the wood creaking beneath my feet, and a moment later, I was beside him.

“I hope you’re okay with me bringing you here,” he said.

“I’m fine with it.”

“I think about this place a lot.” He was still looking down, but his head cocked slightly to
ward me so I could see his eyes. 

“Me too.”
  My voice was quieter than I planned.

“It’s
kinda like our spot,” he said, kicking off his shoes and then pulling off his socks before sitting down on the edge of the dock, his feet skimming the top of the water.  I slid off my sandals and sat beside him, my toes grazing the surface.  The water was surprisingly cold for such a warm night and it felt good on my skin. 

“When I was in Iraq, it was so damn hot sometimes I swear to God I thought I was gonna mel
t.  It must’ve been like 120 degrees at least,” he said with a light chuckle before continuing. “I used to close my eyes and pretend I was back here in Carver, swimming in this pond.”

“Did it help?” I asked quietly, interrupting his memory.

“I told myself it did.  I was probably just delirious from the heat though.”  We both laughed softly and then it was quiet for a few moments and the crickets seemed to crescendo into a full orchestra. 

“What was it like there?  Iraq?”

He didn’t answer right away and I turned my head slightly, just enough so I could see his brow crease as he thought how to respond.

“Lonely,” he finally said in a low, rugged voice, turning his head so our eyes locked. “Can I tell you something without you getting all pissed off?”

“I can’t make any promises,” I said, cracking a little smile and he just nodded, smiling too. “But I hope you’ll tell me anyway.”

It was quiet
as I waited for him to start talking and the nervous knots began twisting in my stomach again in anticipation. 

“I’ve missed you, Riley,” he said softly. “I told myself not to, but there wasn’t a moment since I left that I didn’t miss you.
Even though I told you otherwise, when I came home, I was hoping you’d be here,” he admitted and I swallowed hard. “Part of me was hoping if I saw you again, I’d see it was over and that I didn’t miss you. But the other part of me,” he said, pausing once more. “The other part hoped if I saw you again, maybe you’d say you’d missed me too.”

I noticed that both of our feet
had stopped swaying in the water.  I hadn’t expected to hear anything that bold from him and I could feel a lump forming in my throat, burning and aching.

“How could I not have missed you?” I managed to squeak out.

“Because of what I did to you.”

“I’m not mad at you anymore,” I said, even though I knew I wasn’t being entirely honest.  I wasn’t mad at him, but that did
n’t mean I still didn’t hurt.

“I don’t see how you could ever forgive me,” he said, shaking his head doubtfully.

“It doesn’t matter.  I’m just glad you’re okay.” The lump in my throat was starting to weaken, and we didn’t say anything for a while.

“
I was in Iraq for almost an entire year and the whole time I was there…the whole time, all I could think about was the fact that I might die without ever seeing you again or ever hearing your voice.”  He took my hand and I didn’t stop him.  I hadn’t paid much attention when he’d held my hand at the hospital.  I’d just known it felt familiar and safe, but now, the feel of his hand was practically burning my skin.  I’d once known every nook and cranny of his hand, the ridges of his knuckles, the callouses from all that work he did on his old Jeep, the lines on his palm.  I’d all but forgotten it, but the moment our fingers entwined, it came flooding back to me.  They were exactly the same, maybe a few more scars that hadn’t been there before, but it was the same and I’d forgotten how well our hands fit. “I, uh…I had this little picture of us,” he continued, his voice low and timid, as he turned his eyes away from me and stared out into the water again as if he was remembering something. “It was just some picture Mandy took of us, but I put it in this frame and I kept it with me all the time and I looked at it every night before I went to sleep and I…I wondered if you might be thinking of me too.  It was those thoughts that would carry me home to you each night that got me through it all.”

He brought hi
s eyes back to mine eventually and my mind drifted to that night I’d first been back at his house, the night I’d snuck into his bedroom and I’d seen the picture.  I’d wondered what it meant and why he had it and now I knew.  I couldn’t find my voice as I realized that even though he’d left me, he’d hurt through it all, just as much as I had, maybe even more.  I’d been hurt and angry, but I had my friends, my family, and my life.  He’d been completely alone, barely any family to speak of, all by himself on the other side of the world with nothing but a little picture and memories to keep him going. 

“I’m sorry,” he said
, shaking his head, taking his hand from mine and staring back out into the black water. “I shouldn’t have said any of…”

“I was thinking of you too,” I interrupted and he jerked his he
ad back so our eyes met again and he smiled, a nervous smile, but a smile nonetheless. “And I’m so glad you’re okay.” I rested my hand on his knee for a moment and he glanced down at it quickly before I removed it. “I mean, you are okay, right?”

“I am now.  I mean, I think I’m okay.” A quiet laugh escaped his t
hroat, and I wondered if he really was okay. “I’m so glad your grandma’s gonna be alright.”

“Me too.
  I was kinda freakin’ out there for a while.” It was my turn to laugh this time, but Jesse didn’t crack a smile and I stopped laughing.

“I hated to think of you having to deal with something like that.” I knew he was speaking from his own experiences and even though the thought of losing my grandmother was unbearable, I knew it paled in comparison to what Jesse had to endure losing his father.  I couldn’t imagine losing one of my parents.  I actually refused to think about it, but he’d lived it.