Carry Me Home (The Home Series: Book Three) (20 page)

Chapter Twenty-Seven

I woke up early the next morning, even though I had the day off.  I was still tired, but sleep had been hard enough and I decided not to keep trying.  Laura had sworn they hadn’t slept together and I believed her, but that knowledge didn’t ease the pain in my stomach
as I thought of them together doing whatever it was they’d done.  Instead of dwelling on those thoughts, I got up and showered.  As I got ready for the day in my room, I caught a tiny glimpse of blue in the mirror.  I turned, walking towards it, stopping for a moment before bending down and picking it up.  I stared at the old Royals hat Jesse had given me the day he left for the Marines.  The image went blurry a moment later as my eyes filled with tears.  I sat down on my bed, clutching the hat to my chest, and I couldn’t hold back as I began to cry.  I’d said I wasn’t going to waste any more tears on him, but the ache that had never gone away since he walked out of my life was as raw as ever and the revelation of the night before only intensified the pain.  He hadn’t slept with her, but I hated to think of him touching anyone like that except for me.  I hadn’t allowed myself to think about what he was doing with other girls after he left.  I’d allowed myself to live in the delusion that there hadn’t been anyone else…that he’d been too broken after leaving me to ever want anyone else.  I was obviously wrong. 

I set the hat down on the bed, standing up and staring back into the mirror. I sighed as I looked at the reflection: red and puffy eyes that revealed the hurt of the last few years. I took a deep breath, grabbed a tissue to wipe my eyes and told myself to let it go.  He was my past and if I didn’t get my emotions in check
, I was going to lose my future.  Hopefully he’d vanish the way he had before and he wouldn’t be a problem anymore. 

I went downstairs to the kitchen, staring at the cupboard.  Nothing looked appetizing and I wasn’t hungry anyway.  I poured myself a glass of orange juice instead, and after drinking it down, I left the cup in the sink and went into the living room, stretching out on the couch to numb my mind with TV.

A knock on the door half-way through my third episode of Teen Mom, which already made me feel a million times better about my life, startled me and I sat up, looking out the window before I went to the door.  I felt my heart plunge when I saw his pick-up sitting outside, realizing he wasn’t going to vanish this time. 

There was another knock, followed by a deep voice.

“Riley, please.  Let me in.”

I moved to the door, my hand resting on the knob as my heart began picking up speed
, knowing he was on the other side.  If I opened the door, I was opening myself up to him again and my brain was telling me no, but I could barely hear it over the screaming of my heart. 

“Please, Riley.  I’m sorry about barging over here last night, but please, talk to me.” His voice was low
and it cracked as if he was trying not to cry.  I could hear the sadness through the door, and my heart won out as my hand finally twisted the knob, pulling it open.  He looked haggard as if he hadn’t slept.  His hair was as tousled as his clothes, a pair of old jeans and a Marines t-shirt.  Despite his disheveled appearance, I’d be lying if I said he didn’t look as gorgeous as ever, maybe even more so because of his vulnerability. He looked relieved when he saw me and he didn’t wait for an invitation as he walked in and I shut the door behind him.

“I wouldn’t blame you if you never talked to me again after last night, but I screwed up once when I let you go and I couldn’t let it happen again without telling you how I really feel.”

“Jesse…don’t do this,” I said, knowing I couldn’t handle what he was about to say to me.

“I need to say this, Riley
, and when I’m done you can tell me to fuck off or slap me across the face, but I’m gonna say it and you’re gonna listen.” I couldn’t protest again as I saw the intensity in his eyes and my heart was in my throat as I waited for him to continue. “I messed up, Riley.  There aren’t words to describe how badly I screwed up with Laura and everything else, but mostly when I let you go.  I needed to get myself together, but I didn’t need to let you go and I have regretted that every second since I left.  But since I’ve been back, it feels like nothing’s changed at all.  The feelings are still there and they’re stronger than ever because I love you, Riley.  I love you more now than I ever have and I need you to know that.  I need you to know there hasn’t been anyone else and there won’t be anyone that could ever be as good as you.  I tried telling myself to move on, to really let you go, but I couldn’t and I know I’ll never be able to.  I thought you’d be better off without me and you probably are, but
I’m
nothing without
you
,” he continued as he took my hand and pulled me closer.  I knew I should stop him, but I couldn’t. “What happened with Laura was a mistake.  But all we did was kiss and make out a little, I swear.”

“You can try and defend what you did, but there’s no defense.  She was one of my best friends and you were supposed to have loved me at some point and yet you could do that with her.  How can you even think I could understand what you two
did?”  I was surprised at how calm my voice was, but my calmness was not mistaken for complacency and he looked scared as I spoke.

“I can’t justify it.  I know that, but Riley,
I was lonely and I’d had too much to drink and I was missing you…so much.  I thought it might help me forget you, but all it did was make me miss you even more and all I could see was your face and I could hear you call my name and I could feel your arms around me, but nothing happened like you think because I couldn’t do it.  I didn’t want to do it because she wasn’t you.  No one could ever be you, Riley.  No one.”  His hand reached up, his fingers lightly brushing my cheek as his eyes darted over my face and I saw tears in his eyes. “I don’t even know how to begin to make up for everything I did to you.  I don’t know what I can do make you forgive me…to love me again.”

He loved me and he’d never stopped.  He’d loved me the moment he walked out of my life and he’d loved me every moment he’d been gone.

“We had this idea about what our story would be, Riley, but we’ve learned you can’t count on anything, but maybe our story is still possible.  It’s just a little different than we thought it would be.  We’ll never understand why it didn’t go as planned, but that doesn’t matter anymore. The past is the past and we can throw it away.  We’ve got the rest of our lives to make up for all the time we’ve lost together.”

He pulled me even closer until our bodies were touching.  He was stroking my cheek with trembling fingers until our lips were so close I could practically taste him.  I found my hands resting on his strong back, waiting for the kiss I’d wanted from him the first moment I’d seen him again.  My mouth was screaming at me to make the final push, but our lips remained hovering over each other as our
anxious breathing washed over us.  He couldn’t bring himself to kiss me either and we both knew why: I was engaged to someone else.

“Evan,” I finally managed to whisper and it was as if the magical spell we’d been under a moment before was broken.  I could see him swallow hard before taking a step back, running his hands over his face until his fingers trailed through his messy hair with a noticeable sigh.

“I know I shouldn’t say this,” he began, his rugged voice low and anxious.

“Then don’t,” I whispered, but he didn’t listen.

“Pick me.  Choose me.  I love you, Riley and I know we can make it.”

I’d
been wanting to hear he still loved me since the moment he left and now that I knew he did, it was too much and it scared the hell out of me.

“You can’t do this to me, Jesse,” I said in a shaky voice, wiping a tear away that had snuck out as he walked back over to me, dabbing at my wet cheek with a tissue he’d gotten off the end table. 

“I’m sorry,” he said softly as his thumb brushed over my slick cheek. 

“You can’t come back into my life and expect me to forget the life I created for
myself after you
left
me,” I said, unable to pull back the severity from my words. “You can’t expect me to drop it all because you’ve finally realized you need me.  I always knew we needed each other.  There was no doubt in my mind.  When you left, you nearly destroyed me.  I gave everything to you, Jesse, and I loved you with everything I had, but you still left me and somehow I picked up the pieces.  I found who I was without you or any guy for that matter and when I met Evan, I was ready to move on with him…a great guy who loves me and is way too understanding of my drama, and now you come back and want me to forget everything that’s happened?  You want me to throw everything away that I’ve built?  You can’t do that!”

“I know I can’t,” he
returned, his voice quiet and nerve-ridden as he made one final swipe on my cheek and then pulled back.

“I’m engaged, Jesse.  I’m engaged to someone else when all I ever wanted was to spend my life with you.”

“And that’s all I want now.”

“Until when?
  When you decide otherwise?”

“No...Riley…I’d never hurt you again.”

“You said that to me once before and guess what?  You did hurt me.  I’m still hurting because of you.”

“I don’t know what I can say or do to make you understand how sorry I am.  But, Riley,” he said in a quivering voice, swooping in and taking my hand, staring at me with wet eyes. “I love you and I know you love me too.  Nothing’s changed between us.  I want to spend the rest of my life making up for hurting you.  Please.”  He blinked and a tear streaked down his face. 

It took everything in my power not to run into his arms, telling him we’d try and move past all we’d been through and attempt to have the future we’d once planned.  

“You can’t do this, Jesse!” I cried instead, pulling my hand from his. “How dare you even ask
me!  We had our chance and that chance is over.” The tears were spilling freely again and I wiped them away quickly.

“No, it’s not,” he said with more conviction than I’d ever seen from him.

“You were my everything,” I whispered, slowly raising my eyes until they met his. “And then you were just gone.”

“Let me be
your everything again.”  His voice was low and scared, but I knew he meant every word he said.  I’d never known anyone as honest and good as Jesse.  He’d been through so much.  He’d always put me first.  He’d loved me even when I was giving him nothing in return.  He’d saved me when I thought I’d lost everything.  And he’d left me because all he wanted was for me to be happy.  But none of that changed the fact that because he’d loved me so deeply, the wound he’d left was terminal.  I’d forced myself to move on, but that didn’t mean he could ever be replaced.  No one could ever be as good as Jesse, but I couldn’t let him in again.  I couldn’t open myself up to that kind of love a second time because if he ever left again, I doubted I’d ever recover. 

“I can’t do it again,” I whispered, the words aching as they left my throat. “I love you too much to risk being hurt like before.”

I saw another tear streak down his face.  He looked away for a second and when he brought his eyes back to mine, I covered my face as I started to cry.

“I understand,” he said, his voice cracking and a moment later, he’d wrapped me in his arms and my cry turned into an all-out sob.  He pulled me closer and I buried myself into the safety of his chest as I felt him shaking too, crying with me as I purged myself of every emotion I’d been feeling since he left.  He stroked my back and played with my hair as I got it all out and I never wanted to leave his embrace.  It was my favorite place in the world and now that I was back in it, I didn’t w
ant him to ever let go.  Nothing had ever felt so right, but I knew it was over and I finally forced myself to pull away from him before I couldn’t.

“I’m sorry, Jesse.”

“Riley,” he said softly as he wiped his eyes. “You don’t need to apologize for anything.  This is my own doing.”  I didn’t know what to say as I stood there, waiting for him to walk out of my life again.

“I wish it could be different,” I said quietly, nervously tucking a piece of hair behind my ear
with a trembling hand as he walked slowly towards me again.

“Me too,” he whispered, kissing me on the forehead, his lips lingering as I closed my eyes, trying to burn the feeling of his kiss on my skin.  When he finally pulled away, I just stood there watching him walk away.  He opened the door, but before leaving, he turned, smiling a small nervous smile at me. “And for what it’s worth, you’ve always been my everything.”

The door shut behind him as he walked out and I burst into tears, my chest aching as it heaved in pain, reminding me all too clearly of the hurt I felt reading his letter the day he left.  The only difference was this pain was deeper because I was the one saying goodbye. 

Chapter Twenty-Eight

It had been two days since Jesse walked out of my house.  I hadn’t heard a word from him and I knew I
wouldn’t.  He wouldn’t press me anymore.  He’d made his feelings known and I’d turned him away.  He wouldn’t keep pushing me.  Still, I couldn’t stop replaying his words, and each time, it hurt even more.  And then Evan’s words popped into my head.
If you get lonely, the interstate runs both ways.
Before I could talk myself out of it, I went up to my room, quickly grabbing an overnight bag.  Kansas City was only four hours away and it was still early. If I left right away, I’d be there shortly after lunch and maybe I’d find some clarity.

Evan was surprised when I told him I was on my way, but he didn’t question me and soon, I was at the gas station, filling up my car and then heading north on I-35. 

I turned up the music as I drove, switching between The Killers, One Republic and The Script, trying to distract myself from the doubts playing in my head, but it was no use.  No matter how hard I pushed the accelerator, I couldn’t run from Jesse.  I’d tried running from my problems once before and it’d gotten me nowhere.  All it did was make me weaker.  This time was different though and as cliché as it sounded, I told myself I wasn’t running from my past, but running towards my future.  I’d been away from Evan too long and around Jesse too much.  I just needed to be with Evan and I’d realize I hadn’t made a mistake when I said yes. 

I only stopped once between Carver and Kansas City and it was nearly one o’clock when I pulled into the parking lot of Evan’s apartment complex.  I grabbed my bag as I walked nervously up to his door.  I knocked and waited for a moment before hearing the shuffle of feet and the turning of the doorknob.  He smiled when he saw me and I did the same, althou
gh I knew my smile was an anxious one.  I just hoped he didn’t notice.

“Hey!” I said in as cheerful a voice
as I could muster, while trying not to be so chipper that he’d grow suspicious. 

“Well, this was not how I anticipated spending my afternoon, but I’m definitely not going to complain,” he said as I gave him a quick kiss while walking into the apartment.  He shut the door behind us and I stood in the middle of the small living room, looking around for a moment before our eyes met again.  He stood by the door, his arms folded loosely as his head cocked to the side with a half-smile. “
Ya know, Riley, you’re not known for your spontaneity and getting you to come to Kansas City is like pulling teeth, so what do I owe the honor of this surprise visit?” 

“I just wanted to see you,” I said, trying to maintain the smile, but as I stared across the room at Evan, so kind and devoted, I felt my lip start to tremble.  My plan was backfiring.  Seeing him was supposed to reassure me of every decision I’d made since Jesse left, but it was doing just the opposite. 

“Hey,” he said softly as his smile was replaced with concern, closing the gap between us and wrapping his arms around me. “What’s wrong?”

I didn’t say anything though, I just hugged him back, pulling in as close as I could, begging the feelings that had once been so strong to return and tell me I was still in love with Evan.  I closed my eyes, willing them to come back, but all I felt was a pit of unease. 

“Riley,” he said again as he stroked my hair. “Are you okay?”

“I’m fine,” I lied, pulling myself together.

“You don’t seem fine.” He stepped back, holding me at arm’s length as he looked over me.

“I just needed to see you.”

“You said that already, but,” he said and I could hear the apprehension in his voice before he continued. “Is that really the reason why you came?”

“Yes,” I said, trying to convince us both. “Why do you find that so hard to believe?”

“Because I practically had to beg you to come here when we got engaged.  You’d made it pretty obvious you wanted to make minimal visits to Kansas City this summer, so forgive my surprise when you decide on a whim to just show up.”

“Should I leave?” I asked playfully, trying to lighten the mood.

“I definitely don’t want you to leave,” he said, pulling me to him again. “I just want to make sure everything’s okay.”

“It is.”

“You sure?  Everything’s good at home?” he asked, raising an eyebrow doubtfully. “You haven’t almost gotten yourself killed again, have you?”

“Yes…I mean, no, I haven’t almost gotten myself killed again, and yes, everything’s fine,”
I said and I think he might’ve finally believed me because he leaned in, kissing me slowly at first before his lips started moving deeper and more urgently.  As I kissed him back, I focused on the feeling of his lips on mine and how they’d been the first lips since Jesse’s to make me think I could care for someone again.  When he’d kiss me, my stomach would flutter, but as he kissed me now, I didn’t want to acknowledge the void that was there instead.  I think he wanted to take it further as he started easing me in the direction of the bedroom, but when I didn’t follow his lead, he stopped.  I knew he was confused, but he didn’t say anything and instead, we made our way to the couch, sitting side by side in uncomfortable silence.  I knew I needed to say something.  I’d surprised him enough simply by showing up and when I’d rejected his advances, I knew it was only a matter of time before he started questioning me again. 

“We finally had that wedding pl
anning get together,” I said, breaking the silence.

“Oh yeah?” he asked, turning to face me and I
could tell he was intrigued. “What’d you get done?”  He was definitely more attentive now and I could see the easy smile replacing the trepidation from before.

“Not
much.  Mandy just brought a bunch of magazines over to Jesse’s and we looked at dresses and flowers and cakes,” I said and the smile disappeared from his face. 

“Jesse’s house?”

“Yeah…it’s just the best place to hang out,” I said, realizing I probably should’ve left Jesse out of the conversation.

“Yeah, I get that,” he said with a hint of sarcasm. “I just don’t see why he was involved with our wedding planning at all.”

“He wasn’t,” I said quickly. “He and Brandon played pool while we talked.”

Evan sat there for a second and I could tell he was thinking about what he was going to say. I could also tell by his clenched jaw, he wasn’t saying what he was really thinking.

“Do you want me to be okay with this thing you’ve got going with Jesse again?” he finally said and then I was the one who was quiet as I thought about how to respond. 

“Obviously you’re not,” I said softly, and my tone wasn’t defensive or angry because I had no right to be either of those things. 

“No, I’m not,” he replied flatly and a pit formed in my stomach. “I’ve tried to let it go, Riley.  You know I’m not the jealous type, but even I can’t look past this.  You can’t deny things have changed since we left Manhattan.  Things were good before then, but ever since you went back to Carver, things have been different.”  He was looking at me with worry in his eyes and I just nodded in agreement because everything he said was true.

I stared up at him, unable to defend anything he was saying, and all I could muster was a quiet “I’m sorry” before he continued.

“Can you honestly tell me it has nothing to do with Jesse?”

Our eyes locked and I could tell he was waiting in nervous anticipation for my response.  I didn’t want to lie or try and refute anything he was saying.  It would be an insult to his intelligence.  He wasn’t dumb or naïve and I shouldn’t treat him as such.

“No, I can’t
,” I finally agreed quietly and he breathed out, looking away from me for a moment before finally meeting my eyes again.

“I see the way he looks at you,” he said, his jaw still clenched as he hesitated. “And I see the way you look at him.” Evan’s voice descended at the end of his sentence and when he looked at me, his eyes full of worry and hurt, I knew I’d become the person I’d sworn never to be.  After being hurt so
badly before, I told myself I would never hurt anyone I loved.  Even though it hadn’t been intentional, I was hurting Evan and it wasn’t fair to him or me. 

“I’m sorry, Evan,” I said again, not really sure what else I could say.

“So…what does this mean?”

“I don’t know,” I said as his face became blurry from my tears.  I tried not
to blink, knowing if I did, they’d come spilling down my face and probably wouldn’t stop. 

“This can’t keep going on,” he said matter-of-factly.

“I know.”  I couldn’t hold back anymore and I blinked my eyes, the tears falling down my cheeks.  I brushed them off and swallowed hard, trying to keep myself from full on weeping knowing what was coming.

“It’s
gotta be me or him,” he said, his ultimatum like a punch in the gut.  Evan was my fiancé.  There should be no question.  My mouth should’ve opened immediately, telling him irrefutably that it would be him and not Jesse, but I couldn’t bring myself to say the words. “Riley,” he said, his voice weak and laced with nerves. “Say something, please.”

I breathed in deeply as I wiped my eyes again.

“I don’t know what to say,” I managed to finally get out. “You’re right.  Everything you’re saying is the truth.  I can’t deny any of it.”  His jaw clenched again and he looked away, shaking his head and he stood up, pacing back and forth in front of me. “I never expected to see Jesse again and the way things ended between us…well…I can’t explain it…but obviously it messed me up pretty badly if I’m still this consumed with it.”

He stopped pacing and stared down at me on the couch. 

“Do you love me, Riley?” he asked sternly, his serious eyes focusing on mine.

“Of course I love you,” I replied quickly.

“But not as much as you love him.”  I felt my body tighten as his words hit me.  I wanted to jump up and tell him no. I wanted to tell Evan he was crazy, but as my eyes stared into his, I knew his words were the truth.  When I didn’t say anything, instead, biting my lip, I could see the bewilderment on his face.  His hand was cupped over his mouth and he stood motionless, staring down at the floor. “This is the part where you tell me I’m crazy, Riley…that of course you love me more than you love him.”  His voice cracked and he ran his hand nervously through his hair.

“I’m sorry.” My throat was tight and all I could manage was a whisper, but hearing my response, or lack of response, sounded like a thousand trumpets that neither of us could ignore.

He stared down at me, his head tilting to the side as he watched me curiously. 

“I guess I have my answer then,” he said quietly and I felt my throat tighten even more as I tried to hold back the emotions swirling around inside of me.  I wished I could flip a switch and everything would be the way it used to be between Evan and I before Jesse came back, but I couldn’t do that.  Jesse
was
back and even though I knew there was no future with him, I couldn’t be with someone when I was still in love with someone else.  I knew I’d never stopped loving Jesse.  I’d smoldered the inferno it’d once been into embers after he left, but they had been reignited the moment our eyes met again.  I didn’t want the complication of Jesse in my life after I’d worked so hard to free myself from it, but as I stared up at Evan, I knew I couldn’t force something that wasn’t there anymore. 

I stood up nervously, walking
over to where Evan stood motionless, still looking down at the floor.  I tilted his chin gently until he was looking at me again and I hated knowing I was hurting him.  I hated myself for letting it go on this long.  I’d known my mind was screwed up the night he proposed. I knew Jesse was too much a part of me again and yet I’d said yes when Evan asked me to marry him.  I knew my heart wasn’t fully his anymore and deep down, I knew it never had been, but I’d wanted it.  I’d wanted it so badly.  I desperately wanted to be over Jesse and the hold he had over me.  I wanted to believe I was really over Jesse and saying yes to Evan’s proposal was one way I could prove that to myself, even though it was a thoughtless thing to do, especially to someone I claimed to love.

“I didn’t plan for any of this,” I said softly, my fingers brushing lightly over his cheek. “I never meant to hurt you, Evan.  Please believe me when I tell you that.”

“I know,” he said just as softly. “But it doesn’t make this any easier.”

I didn’t say anything as I slowly pulled the ring off my left hand and gently folded it into his palm. 

“There’s no saying let’s take a break and give it some time and see how things go?” he asked in a shaky voice.

“No,” I finally whispered, answering his question and he just slowly nodded. “It wouldn’t be fair to either of us…especially you.”

“This is really it then.” 

It wasn’t a question.  He said it as a fact because we both knew it was.  Tears were in his eyes too and I prayed someday I could forget the pain in them. 
Breaking up with him was one of the worst feelings I’d ever experienced, especially because Evan had been so good to me.  I cared about him.  I loved him, but we couldn’t pretend things could go back to the way they once were.  It was over and we both knew that.  I’d known the second Jesse stepped back into my life, I just hadn’t wanted to admit it.