Carry Me Home (The Home Series: Book Three) (21 page)

I wanted him to go off on me, screaming at me about what a heartless bitch I was.  It would’ve made the whole situation so much easier, because then at least I could tell myself I was breaking up with an asshole, but that wasn’t the case and instead of yelling at me, he pulled me to him, wrapping his arms protectively around me.  I held him back and my heart ached knowing this was goodbye. 
Just a few nights before I was looking at wedding dresses and now we were breaking up. 

I’m not sure how long we stood like that, but as he held me, I felt a weight lift from my shoulders that I’d been struggling with.  I hadn’t known what to do or where the hell my life was going, but the uneasy pit I’d been fighting off every time I thought about marrying Evan was gone and I was relieved that he would one day find someone deserving of his love.  That person wasn’t me and I knew someday he’d realize that and regardless of what he thought about me right now, he’d thank me later.

When we finally let go, I gathered my things and walked to the door.  It’d been minutes since any words had been spoken and I didn’t know if there was anything left to be said.  As my hand rested on the doorknob, I turned to him, trying to smile to let him know how sorry I was.  He didn’t smile back though.

“Bye, Evan,” was all I said as I opened the door and walked out.

Chapter Twenty-Nine

I cried the first half-hour of the trip home.  Not heavy sobbing tears, but silent sorrowful tears that I couldn’t get to stop.  They just kept coming and my throat was so tight it felt like it was on fire.  The trip to Kansas City was supposed to reassure me I wanted to be with Evan.  It’d done the complete opposite though and as I drove south, back to Carver, I was even more screwed up than before.  I wasn’t with Evan anymore and all because I’d finally admitted I was still in love with Jesse.  I’d broken up with my fiancé over someone I couldn’t even be with anymore.  As Jesse had begged me to come back to him, I’d told him I couldn’t be with him because I couldn’t be hurt again.  It was too much…too intense and I wouldn’t let myself go through it again.  Where did it leave me then?  I’d given up a great guy for someone I loved with every ounce of my being, but someone I couldn’t be with.  I couldn’t go on like this for the rest of my life.  If I was going to let Jesse have the kind of hold on me he’d had since the moment he left…actually since the moment I’d met him…I might as well join a convent and vow a life of celibacy because it appeared it was my only option of getting over him at all.  Then I had an epiphany.  Maybe it would be different this time.  When Jesse left the first time, there’d been no closure.  I’d had no control over the situation and he’d made all the decisions.  He’d decided he wasn’t good enough for me.  He’d decided I’d be better off without him.  But now, I was in complete control and maybe there was something to be said for that.  Maybe knowing I’d chosen not be with him would finally give me the power to get over him…totally and completely, and someday, maybe not any time soon, but someday, I’d find someone I could give my whole heart to the way I had given it to Jesse and maybe I could trust them enough not to stomp all over it. 

I tried not to think of Evan or allow the image of his face when we were breaking up enter my thoughts as I drove, too fast, I realized
after glancing down at the speedometer, which read almost ninety miles per hour.  I only had about forty-five minutes left till I got back to Carver, and decided a speeding ticket was the last thing I needed to add to my pile of woes.  I hit the brakes, slowing the car to just above the speed limit and set the cruise control as I headed home, wondering what the hell I was going to do once I got there.  My mom and Jack weren’t due back for a few more days, Holly had returned to Manhattan, Brandon and Mandy were spending a few days at his uncle’s cabin near the lake and Laura had gone back to Oklahoma with her cousin, much to my relief.  While I’d forgiven her, I still wasn’t ready to talk to her yet.  The only person left in Carver was Jesse and I was for sure not going to be hanging out with him any time soon.  I sighed, wishing Matt was still at home.  It sucked not having him around to talk to anymore.  I would’ve given anything to have one of the talks I’d relied on so much since meeting him that first summer in the flower shop. 

I knew I needed to stop feeling sorry myself.  I’d be fine.  I always was.  This was just another hurdle I needed to get over.  I reached for my iPod, knowing some very loud, very heavy music would help me to focus on something other than Jesse and the fact I’d just broken off my engagement.  I glanced quickly at the small screen, searching for my Pink al
bums and when I looked back up, I knew I didn’t have enough time to stop or swerve around the pieces of tire that were strewn throughout the lane I was traveling in.  I slammed on the breaks and everything on the seats went flying forward, myself included.  I tried swerving, but I jerked back when I noticed a mini-van next to me and I pulled the wheel back sharply, causing my Jetta to run right over the large tire pieces with a jolt and a loud thud as I felt the car lurch to one side.  I thought I’d regained control when I heard a thu-thump, thu-thump and I cringed knowing something was wrong.  I eased the car off to the side of the road as quickly as I could and then sat there, frozen as I tried to calm the pounding in my chest as I realized how badly that could’ve turned out for myself and the people in the mini-van beside me.  I took a deep breath, saying a quick prayer of thanks and hoping the damage wasn’t as bad as it sounded, before opening the door and walking to the back of the car.  I felt my heart sink at the sight of both of the right tires shredded and hanging from the rims.

“Shit!” I yelled out loud, clutching my fist and stomping my feet in irritation.  Frustrated tears welled in my eyes as I sat down, leaning my back against one of the offending tires, pulling my knees up and burying my head in my hands and began to sob so hard my body was shaking.  The last thing I needed was to be sitting stranded on the side of the road in the middle of nowhere.  It was the perfect ending to a perfectly shitty day. 

I allowed myself a few more moments of self-pity before forcing myself off the ground and back into the car.  I found my insurance card and cell phone and after fifteen minutes of explaining to the agent on the other end of the line what had happened and finally determining my location, he told me a tow truck would be there as soon as possible, which could be a couple of hours.  I had to hold back the screams when I was given that last bit of information, but knew yelling at the guy would do no good and I finally just hung up. 

After watching the
clock tick away the longest twenty minutes I’d ever experienced, I grabbed my phone again and pulled up Matt’s number.  I hadn’t spoken to him since he learned of my engagement, but I needed my friend right now.

“Riley!  What’s up?” he said after the third ring.

“How long do you have?” I sighed.

“That doesn’t sound good.  What’s going on?”

“Where do you want me to start?  The part where Jesse begged me to come back to him, the part where I broke things off with Evan or the fact that I’m sitting on the side of the road on I-35 with two flat tires.”

The line was silent for a moment and I imagined his face as he tried to digest everything I’d just spewed at him. 

“What the hell have you been up to this summer?” he said with a light laugh and I couldn’t help but chuckle too.

“You have no idea, Matt.”

“Well first of all, let’s begin with the last thing you mentioned.  You’re on I-35?”

“Indeed I am.”

“Are you okay?”

“I’m fine.  I’ve called my insurance company, but they said it could be couple of hours before a tow truck can get here.”

“How far away from Carver are you?”

“About forty-five minutes.”

“I don’t like the idea of you being out there alone for that long waiting.  You need to call someone.”

“There’s no one to call.  Everyone’s out of town,” I said and hesitated before continuing. “Well, everyone except for Jesse.”

“Then call him,” Matt said sternly.

“You obviously weren’t listening when I mentioned my latest drama with him.”

“I was listening, but we’ll get to that later.  Right now I’m more concerned that you’re sitting alone in the middle of nowhere.  You need to call him.  I don’t care what’s going on between the two of you right now.  There’s no one better to call than him and you know it, so suck up your pride or whatever and call him.”

“I am not calling him, Matt.”

“Then I will.”

“You don’t even have his number.”

“That won’t stop me, so you can save us both some time and just gimme his number.”

“No,” I said and I heard him sigh in agitation.

“You are so damn stubborn.  I’ll call you back,” he said abruptly and the line went dead.  I dialed his number again, but it went to voicemail and I waited impatiently for the next ten minutes, trying to call him back, only to be greeted by his voicemail each time.  I nearly jumped when my phone rang and I saw Jesse’s number flashing across the screen. 

“Hello?” I answered
, knowing I couldn’t ignore the call.

“Hey,” Jesse’s voice rang through the receiver. I didn’t say anything and waited for him to keep talking. “Matt called and told me you’ve got some flat tires.  I’m on my way.  I’ll bring a tow truck from my uncle’s shop.  Where are you?”

“I’m fine, Jesse.  The insurance company is sending someone out for me.”

“Yeah, God knows when,” he scoffed. “I’m coming
to get you so tell me where you are.”

I waited a moment before answering.  I knew there was no stopping him.  He’d find me somehow.

“About thirty miles out on I-35 south,” I relented.

“I’m on my way.  Call your insurance and cancel the tow.  Don’t move.”

“I can’t exactly go anywhere,” I said sarcastically and I heard a light laugh on the other end.

“I’ll be there as soon as I can.”  The line was dead then and I wanted to ring Matt’s neck.  I didn’t need Jesse coming to my rescue.  I had things under control.  I wasn’t ready to see Jesse right now. 
It’d only been a couple of days since he’d been in my living room, pouring his heart out to me and I’d sent him packing.  Nothing good could come out of seeing him so soon, especially since I’d just ended things with Evan.

The phone rang just then and I picked it up when I saw Matt’s number.

“Why’d you call Jesse?” I demanded without a greeting.

“Because you were being obstinate and you shouldn’t be out there alone.”

“I had the situation under control.”

“Well, now it’s under more control, so get over it,” he said and I felt my lips curl into a smile.  Matt always had a way of setting me straight.

“How’d you get Jesse’s number anyway?”

“It wasn’t that hard.  I called Mandy and she gave it to me.”

“Stupid Mandy,” I mumbled.

“
Get over it, Riley,” he laughed. “Now, since you’ll be waiting at least a half an hour for Jesse to show up, you can fill me in on what happened with you two.” I swallowed hard as I replayed everything in my head and then I opened my mouth, spilling the whole sordid tale to Matt, without sparing any details and when I was done with the whole ugly story, I waited for the sage words Matt always seemed to possess at the times I needed them most. 

He was quiet for a few moments when I stopped talking, which didn’t seem like a good thing to me.  If Matt was speechless then my life was even more
effed up than I thought. 

“Aren’t you gonna say something?” I asked after a few seconds of silence.

“I am.  I’m just thinking about how to word this without you getting all pissed off.”

“Just say it, Matt.”

“I was wondering how long it was going to take you to realize you were still in love with Jesse once he showed up.”

“I didn’t want this to happen,” I said defensively.

“I didn’t say you did, but I knew it would.”

“And since you know everything,” I began sarcastically. “What do you think about it?”

“It doesn’t matter what I think, Riley.  This is your life.  You make your choices.”

“Don’t give me that psychoanalytical bullcrap, Matt.  I know it’s my life and my choices, but I’m in need of some serious guidance here.”

“Believe it or not, Riley, I’m not always in therapist mode.  All I want for you is to be happy. How do you feel now that you broke it off with Evan?”

I took a moment to think about his question and
knew exactly how I felt.

“I’m actually
kinda relieved,” I admitted quietly.

“Then that means you did the right thing, regardless of what happens with Jesse.”

“Nothing is happening with Jesse,” I interrupted

“Don’t be so quick to make statements you can’t back up.”

“I cannot be with him again…not after the way he left me.  You saw me after he left.  I was miserable,” I said quickly and when he didn’t answer right away, I could almost picture the way his eyebrows arched when he was thinking.

“But, I also never saw you happier than when you were with him,” he said gently and I froze, his words startling me.

“That was the past though,” I eventually said. “You don’t even like Jesse so why would you even put those kinds of thoughts in my head.”

“Because regardless of my thoughts on Jesse, who, for the record, I don’t dislike, I care about you and I just want you to be happy,” he said and the line grew quiet again for a few moments. “I hated what he did to you, but I really think he did
what he thought was best for you.”

“Whoa!” I said, stifling a big laugh. “Who are you and w
hat have you done with Matt Campbell?”

“What are you talking about?”

“Ever since he left you’ve had some very harsh words for him.”

“That was my protective friend kicking in.  What I just said to you is my mature, responsible adult kicking
in.” He laughed and I could picture him smiling. 

“I miss you, Matt,” I said softly.

“I know you do.  I’m pretty awesome,” he said and we both started laughing for a few seconds before it died down. “Seriously though, Riley, I miss you too.”

I looked into the rearview mirror and saw a large, black tow truck approaching and there was no mistaking the silhouette of the driver.  The truck pulled around me and then slowly started backing up, loud beeping echoing through the air.