Carry Me Home (The Home Series: Book Three) (23 page)

“I just can’t.”

“Are you guys taking a break then or is it over?” His words were slow and nervous.

“We’re not together anymore,” I replied softly, but I couldn’t turn to look at him and he was quiet for a while.

“I’m sorry, Riley,” he finally said. “If I…if I had anything to do with this…I’m sorry.  I don’t want to hurt you again,” he added and before I could respond, the sirens stopped howling and it seemed almost too quiet.  I hadn’t realized the hail had stopped, returning to plain rain and the wind had lost force as well.  “We’re all clear,” Jesse said.  I hadn’t even been aware that I was flexing nearly e
very muscle in my body from fear and when Jesse said those words, a rush of calm came over me and my muscles let go. 

“Are you sure?” I asked nervously.

“Yes.  They wouldn’t have turned off the sirens otherwise.” 

His hand left my back as he stood up, holding out a hand to help me to my feet.  I took it and as I stood beside him, I was a little saddened the warning was over.  I wanted to be back on the floor with him, fe
eling his touch again. 

“You okay?” he asked, the candle casting an ethereal glow over his face and I was carried back to the night he’d first kissed me on the hunting platform when a flashlight placed between us had made him look
as equally enticing as he did now.

“Yeah, I’m fine,” I managed to say, even though my mind was five years in the past when our lips had met for the first time. 

He took my hand and led me back upstairs.  The house was so dark and quiet it reminded me of something out of a scary movie.

“When do you think the lights will come back on?” I asked.

“Not sure.  I don’t think it’ll be too long, but you never know.  It all depends on what was damaged,” he said, walking over to the emergency box that still sat on the coffee table.  He began taking out candles and lighting them all over the house until it looked as if we were about to perform a séance.

“I’ll go put some upstairs,” I said, taking a handful of
tealights and heading to the staircase, expecting to see him following behind me.  He wasn’t though.  He was still by the coffee table. “Will you come with me?  It’s kinda creepy up here in the dark.”

“I thought you said you’d grown up,” he said and even in the candlelight, I could see his smile.

“Maybe not as much I claim,” I returned and a moment later, he was following me upstairs. 

I stopped in the hallway, setting a few candles on a table where my grandma kept an antique vase of her grandmother’s, before heading to my room. 

I opened the door and stepped inside, all too aware he was behind me.  We started lighting candles around my bedroom until the ultramarine walls glistened in the dancing light.  I lit my last one and turned to see him, hunched over as he held a match to a candle and I was taken aback by how beautiful he was.  I didn’t usually think of men as beautiful, but as I stared at Jesse, the candlelight highlighting his features just perfectly, there was no other way to describe him.  His profile, chiseled and soft at the same time.  His hair hanging ever so slightly on his forehead and the way his hand ran through it, brushing it away.  His strong arms and the way his clothes hung on him as if they’d been tailor made for his body.  And the curve of his lips in the candlelight was almost more than I could take as they glistened from the firelight.  My lips ached to feel his again and when he finished lighting the candle, his head turned towards me and I blushed, knowing he’d caught me staring at him. 

He set the matches down and I saw he was staring at my lips too.  It was a moment between us that didn’t require any words.  Looking back at that first moment we’d seen each other again after
being apart for so long, I knew I’d wanted it.  I’d wanted to run to him, to throw my arms around him and smash my lips against his.  I knew that’s what he’d wanted to do too.  We’d wanted it every moment we’d been together since, but I’d belonged to someone else.  But now, I belonged to no one. 

“Thank you for being here tonight,” I said softly, my voice low and breathy as I tried to control my heartbeat.

“I told you I wouldn’t let anything happen to you.” His gaze left my lips and when he focused on my eyes, it was as if he was searching for something, but then he took a nervous step forward and I did the same, walking slowly until we met in the middle of the room.  His breathing was almost as heavy as mine as he lifted both arms, gently taking my face in his warm hands, his eyes darting seductively from my eyes, to my nose, to my cheeks and then back down to my mouth.  He leaned his forehead against mine so our lips were only inches apart, begging to be reunited.  I closed my eyes and I could feel him getting closer.  When our mouths finally connected, it was a light brush at first and he pulled back for a moment, looking almost as if he was in pain, but then he leaned in again, his lips pushing against mine once more, triggering every nerve in my body.  He pulled away and our eyes met, our hearts pounding as we stared at each other, but then I closed my eyes and he pulled me to him.  This time, kissing the corner of my mouth tenderly before moving to the other side, moving so slowly it was killing me.  And then he kissed each lip individually.  First the top and then the bottom, so sweet and tender as if he was relishing every feeling.  My breathing betrayed how badly I wanted more from him and he complied because a moment later, his whole mouth was on mine, separating my lips with his tongue and I couldn’t control myself any longer.  My hands wrapped around him, feeling his strong back muscles flex through his cotton t-shirt.  His hands had left my cheeks and were getting lost in my hair as our lips passed over each other, slick and sloppy and wonderful as if we couldn’t get enough of each other.  Every ounce of me was consumed by him and I knew when I died I could only pray heaven would feel as good as this did right now. 

I found my hands tugging at the hem of his shirt and then he stopped, pulling back suddenly,
taking both of my hands in his.  He didn’t say anything and the way I looked at him, he could tell a kiss wasn’t going to be enough to extinguish the hurt of his absence.  He let go of my hands, which fell limply to my side as he reached down, stripping the t-shirt from his body and he stood before me, stronger than I’d ever seen him, his breathing haggard and needy.  A second later, his mouth was on mine again, rougher this time though and I returned his kiss with equal fervor.  When I felt his hands crawl under my shirt and touch the sensitive skin of my stomach, my muscles clinched and a moment later, his hands were pushing up my body until my shirt joined his on the floor. I lunged at him again, pulling him as close as I could as our bodies crushed together, his arms holding me so tightly to him I couldn’t breathe.  I didn’t care though because I didn’t need to breathe.  All I needed was him.  I hadn’t been able to breathe for nearly four years without him, but now as my hands explored his body, I felt alive again and I knew he felt the same.  We inched towards the bed, our lips never losing contact and when I felt the mattress on the back of my knees, I didn’t fight it and I fell onto the bed, the weight of his body on top of mine a second later.  I’d never wanted anything or anyone so badly as I did at that moment and I pulled at him frantically until I felt him slowing down, our greedy kisses being replaced with sweet pecks until his mouth pulled away from mine completely and I opened my eyes.  He was hovering only inches above me, looking down at me with a smile and tears in his eyes as he gently stroked my hair with his hands. 

“I just need
to look at you,” he whispered. “I need to make sure you’re really here.”

“I’m here,” I whispered back, brushing my fingers against his cheek.  He reached up an
d held my hand against his skin for a moment before his lips met mine again and this time we didn’t stop, the pain of the last four years seemingly forgotten.  

Chapter Thirty-One

We didn’t say anything to each other for a long time and if I hadn’t felt the gentle strokes of his fingertips against the skin of my bare shoulder, I would’ve thought he’d fallen asleep.  I was resting my head on his chest, my arm wrapped around his stomach and for the first time since he’d walked out of my life, I was whole again.  I knew I’d missed him, but I didn’t understand how much until I’d felt his kiss and his hands on my body. 

“Are you okay?” he finally said, his voice low and raspy and I opened my eyes to the dancing shadows around the dark room.  I propped myself up on my elbow while my other arm remained draped across his waist so I could see him.  He was looking at me with concern and I reached up, brushing the hair off his forehead.  It was still shorter than I was used to, but it’d grown out some since he’d returned to Carver.  It was damp and he closed his eyes for a moment as my fingers brushed over his scalp.

“I am.  Are you okay?” He opened his eyes at the sound of my voice and he smiled, propping himself up so our eyes were locked.

“Yeah.”
  His voice was breathless and he inched towards me, nervously, hesitantly as if he didn’t know if he should, as if I’d pull away.  When I didn’t, his mouth met mine and he breathed in deeply as he kissed me.  His eyes opened slowly when he pulled away and a little smile spread over his face. “I’m perfect.”

He
laid back down, encouraging me to do the same, pulling the sheet over us, until I was nestled in close to him and I closed my eyes as he continued tickling my shoulder.

“What does this mean, Riley?” Jesse’s voice cut through the peace and my eyes opened, staring at the wall at the black and yellow shadows from the candles.  The moment had been perfect, but he’d brought reality back into the mix and I didn’t know how to respond.  I didn’t know what it all meant.  All I’d known was that I’d needed him.

“I’m not sure,” I eventually answered and I felt his fingers stop. “What do you want?”

“You know what I want,” he said
, having already made his intentions perfectly clear.

He wanted me to say everything could be like it was before he left, since before the letter, since before everything went to hell.  And as I lay in his arms, I wanted to tell him it could be.  I wanted to close my eyes and pretend the last few years hadn’t
happened, that he hadn’t left me, that he hadn’t taken my heart and crushed it to pieces.  But, no matter how good it felt laying in his arms again, the fact remained that it had happened and I didn’t know if I was ready to act as if everything was okay between us.  Maybe someday it could be.  I wanted it to be, but I needed time to figure it out.  I couldn’t just blink and forget it all. 

I sat up, holding the sheet to my chest as he lay sprawled on the bed, a hand tucked under his h
ead, looking entirely too perfect as moisture glistened on his abdomen.

“So much has happened between us, Jesse,” I said, my voice choking up as it all came rushing through my mind. “I wish I could forget it all, but…I…I can’t.”

“And I don’t expect you to,” he interrupted as he stared at the ceiling, looking frustrated.  I knew he wasn’t frustrated with me, but with himself for how we ended up at this moment.  We both knew it could’ve been so different if he’d made different choices.  I couldn’t dwell on that though.  It was the past and I had to figure out our future…if we even had one. 

“I need some time to figure it all out.  I just broke up with Evan and now I’m here with you…and…and it was wonderful and I’ve missed you so much…but…I…” I stammered, but he suddenly sat up, resting a finger on my lips and my voice was silenced as he stared into my eyes. 

“I love you, Riley.  You know I love you and I was a fool to do what I did.  The last few years have been the loneliest of my life.  Being with you is all I’ve wanted since the moment I left.  For some reason you were brought into my life.  You changed me, Riley.  From the moment you walked into Mr. Barry’s class, you’ve been a part of me and for some reason I’ll never understand, you loved me.  You wanted to be with me when you could’ve had any guy you wanted, but you wanted me and I pissed it away.  I thought you were better off without me and I didn’t think I was good enough for you, but as I see it now, I’m exactly what you need.” He swooped in before I could respond, kissing me so sweet and tenderly, I felt it all the way in my toes and when he pulled back, I was breathless.  Our faces were only inches apart and his eyes met mine again. “But, this needs to be your choice.  You know how I feel.  I love you.” He kissed me again, the pleading on his lips bringing tears to my eyes. “But, I didn’t give you a choice when I walked away from us and I won’t pressure you into being with me again.  It’s up to you.”

I looked down at the she
et and then I felt him brush my cheek with the pad of his thumb.

“I’ll be here when you’re ready and if…if you decide…if you don’t want to be with me again…I’ll respect that.”

I nodded, unable to speak as I watched him laying it all out there for me and then he pulled me to him, wrapping his arms around me as we fell back onto the bed, the candlelight flickering around us.  His arms felt so good…so warm…so safe…so right.  I loved him.  I loved him with everything I had.  I opened my mouth to tell him that, but I couldn’t, not yet, and I didn’t know if I’d ever have the courage to tell him that again.  I didn’t know if I could let go and move on and trust him again.  All I knew was that this moment with him was perfect.

“Should I go?” he whispered a while later when I still hadn’t said anything.

“No,” I whispered. “I don’t want to be alone.  Stay with me until morning.”

We didn’t say anything the rest of the night, but he held me tightly and the last thing I remembered before falling asleep was a gentle kiss on the top of my head and the melodic sounds of his voice whispering, “I love you”, in my ear.