Destructive Silence (The Destructive Series) (14 page)

Distress

Tuesday came all too quickly. I have been making myself sick over my decision to tell Caine about the pregnancy. I’m going crazy weighing the pros and cons. Even though
I still have mixed feelings, I think he deserves to know. What kind of mother would I be keeping the knowledge of my baby’s existence from its father? Somehow, I’ve managed to work up the confidence to meet with Caine today. The simple act of meeting him should be enough stress for one person to endure. He wants to talk, so we are meeting at the local coffee shop. We originally only needed to talk about our relationship. Now I have to tell him about being pregnant. I chose a public location because he is less likely to cause a scene there. At first, he wanted to pick me up, but the opportunity to leave whenever I need is possibly the only thing that’s going to get me through this.

Pulling into a parking
space, I immediately spot his red sports car, which causes a groan to erupt out of me. I am contemplating whether it's too late to turn around and leave when I see him in the window. He waves to me.
Fuck!
Deep breaths Lacey... deep breaths
. I regain my composure and get out of the car. Okay, maybe I didn’t get all of my self-confidence back. I think I'm going to blow chunks. I know this is not from morning sickness. It has everything to do with the cheater sitting on the other side of the glass with a fucking smile on his face.
Bastard.

I walk in and find him before me. He must have gotten up to greet me and I have to remember to breathe. I didn’t expect to have this reaction to him. It should be a sin to be this freaking sexy. Wearing his white Sailor uniform and, as Becca would say, ‘He has the Military Factor’; he is downright sexy as hell!

"I already bought you a latte," he says, as we walk over to the table.
Oh no
! I'm not supposed to have coffee. I sit as I try to remember if I heard somewhere caffeine can cause birth defects. If I don't accept it, he'll know something is up. One cup can't hurt, right? Or do I just tell him.
Dammit!
This was a mistake.

"Excuse me Caine, I'll be right back," I stand quickly, accidentally knocking my chair backwards.
Shit!
I begin to stand my chair up not realizing he is coming around to help. “Sorry, I... I need to use the ladies room. I’m sorry.”

“Lacey, are you okay? Your face has gone pale. What’s wrong, baby?” He tries to make contact with my eyes to read my thoughts. I can’t look at him; I just might lose it right here.

“Yeah, yeah I’m fine. I’ll, um, I’ll be ah, right back.” I look around for my escape and walk away as quickly as I can, desperate for air. Busting through the bathroom door, I almost take out an elderly lady. After profusely apologizing and helping her out the door, my thoughts return to the mess I need to handle. The poor lady was almost laid flat on the disgusting bathroom floor, thanks to my carelessness. Splashing some cold water on my face, I attempt to get my emotions under control. I don’t know what I was thinking; I can’t go out there and face him. He looks so handsome in his uniform and it brings back memories of when we were happy. Why did he have to cheat and throw our relationship away? Why do I love him so much?

After God knows how long I gave myself a pep talk in the mirror, I walked out of the ladies room to face my consequence. I find Caine sitting at the table where I left him and he is starring out the window.

Rounding the table, I notice he has a confused look on his face; he looks like he wants to ask me something, but decides not to. "Sorry," I say sadly.

"No problem, Lacey," His face relaxes a little, but he’s clearly nervous. "Are you okay? Can I get you something?”

“No, no. I’m fine.” I wave my hands in the air, hoping to dismiss his concern.

“I want to start by apologizing to you for what I did, baby; what I’ve done to you, to us and to our future. I am so sorry for putting you through this,” he begins to pour his heart out. “The look on your face the other night almost killed me," he explains.

"Caine-," I begin but he cuts me off.

“Lacey, please let me finish. I've had this whole conversation worked out in my head and I need to get it out before I go crazy. I said how I feel in the letter, but I need to tell you face to face and pray you realize how much I love you," he says.

"No Caine! You cannot say things like you’re going crazy, or things have been hard for you, because you don't know what the hell I've been going through. I have been going out of my fucking mind for three days. I wasn't sure what I was going to say to you when we met today. I didn't know if I was going to be honest with you, or if I was just going to let you go and walk away. I don't know what my honesty with you is going to mean for my future and that scares the hell out of me. What I'm about to tell you doesn't change anything between us. I can’t ever trust you again, but I’ll be truthful with you. I love you Caine, and I’ve always been honest with you. I wish I could say the same for you. But that's irrelevant right now and love isn’t always enough to work through messes like this." I finish.

"Lacey, are you okay? I don’t understand,” he asks, puzzled by my rambling.

No Caine, I’m not okay!
"I don't know, truthfully." I will be dealing with the shame from our wonderful society for not practicing safe sex. My baby is going to be a statistic. How can I be okay? National Statistics say that my baby is twice as likely not to graduate high school, that we’ll live in poverty, that if it’s a boy he is twice as likely to end up in prison, and that if it’s a girl, she is three times as likely to become a teenage mom herself.
No, I’m not okay!

"I'm so sorry, Lacey. I love you so much. I don't know what I’ll do without you in my life. Why can’t we try to work through this when I love you too?"

I narrow my eyes at him. “Is that what you were thinking when you were enjoying yourself between that floozy’s legs?” I spit.

“Lacey, I
...”

"Caine, stop! Nothing you say can change what you did. I’ve only agreed to meet you to tell you we are..." Oh my
God. “Excuse me.” I run to the bathroom, praying I’ll make it before I ruin the atmosphere for everyone in the coffee shop. I just barely make it to the stall where I lose the contents in my stomach and possibly a few internal organs. I dry heave over and over. Once my stomach calms a little to where I know it’s safe enough for me to stand, there is a knock on the stall. “Ma’am?” A strange lady asks. “There is a gentleman outside who asked me to come in and check on you. Are you okay?”
Fuck!
“Um, yeah I just ate something that didn’t agree with me. You can tell him I’ll be right out.” The lady says, “Okay, feel better,” and walks out.

I turn on the cold water and pull a few hand towels out of the metal dispenser. The bathroom door flies open with Caine standing in the doorway. “Lacey?” I am way too emotional and physically weak to put this off anymore.

“I’m pregnant, Caine,” I divulge quickly before I lose my nerve and clean my face. My entire head and neck are hot and sweaty. I feel faint, making a mental note not to lock my knees so that I can make it out of here with my pride intact.

"Um...," he says, but then is speechless.

I lean on the counter to help brace myself. "Caine, you don't need to do anything. I just wanted you to know with you being the dad and all."

"Am I really the father of the--," he tries to finish.

"You are a bastard! Don't you dare go there, Caine," I bite. "You know very well I have never been unfaithful. Just because you have a tendency to put you dick in places it doesn't belong doesn't mean I'm the same way," I say, reminding him of his defrauder ways.

"Okay, I’m sorry. So what do you want?" he asks.

"I don't know? Nothing I guess. I just wanted you to know for the sake of my conscience and the baby’s." At least I’m being honest with him.

We return to our table and sit a few minutes in silence while I guess he digests the life changing news. "Lacey, I will take care of you and the baby. I love you and if you give me another chance I will spend every day proving my love and loyalty to you and the baby," he says. My self-control is starting to diminish, because I want to believe him with each word he utters. I need to be strong for myself. I need to put my walls up. How can I believe what he says? How will I be able to handle him breaking my heart again with the responsibilities of a baby too?

"Lacey, listen. Since I'm in the military, I can get you and the baby the medical care needed. I can take care of you. I know that with the economy, your parents have been struggling to keep both of the stores open. Let me take away the burden of paying medical expenses. I can be there for you. I want to be a part of the baby's life. I want to prove my love for you. Please, let me do this for you and the baby," he tries to persuade.

"How can you provide healthcare for us? We aren't married," I ask, suddenly wishing I could take my words back.

"That's what I'm talking about Lacey. Let's get married. Let me take care of you and our child for the rest of our lives," he says so confidently, as if he's solved world hunger.

"Uh, that's a huge step Caine. I don’t know if I can do that. Especially since I wanted to break things off with you just a couple of days ago.” His gaze falls. I notice he’s playing with his napkin.
Oh God, please no tears. Blink them back Lacey... blink them back!
“I don't know if I will ever be able to trust you again. You shattered my heart when you admitted to me you cheated. How do I know you aren't going to be unfaithful again?” I see him flinch at my harsh words. “Caine, I trusted you just like I trusted my uncle and you both betrayed me," I mumble and internally promise to do everything in my power to protect my baby from monsters like my uncle.

"Lacey, I will prove my love to you every day if you give me the opportunity. I am nothing like your uncle and seriously bothered you would put me in the same category with him. I’m sorry I betrayed you,” he stops, looking down at the napkin in deep thought.
Oh, I’m so sorry you’re bothered about a fucking category. You cheating little prick!
I think this helped my decision and I’m so done here.

A minute later, he looks up with sorrowful eyes. “Lacey, please let me prove my faithfulness to you and my commitment to our relationship and marriage, if you’ll have me. I will prove it for the rest of our lives if I have to; it’s a promise. I love you
. I never stopped. I will always love you. You’ve now given me something I will cherish every day as long as I live,” he rattles on.

OH.MY.GOD
He is clouding my mind and thoughts. I have an overwhelming desire to hug him and pretend none of this ever happened. He has caught me off guard and desire is starting to heat in my core.
Or is that the baby? Ugh!
I turn to look out the window. I need a moment to think, to consider what the hell he just said before I agree to do something I’ll regret.
Regret!
Funny, I acted impulsively the first night I slept with him. Have I not learned my lesson to think before I act?
What the fuck, marriage?
"I don't know Caine. I need to think about it. I can’t give you an answer today." This is not how I envisioned the direction of this meeting going.
I NEED BECCA!

"Will you at least still come to Florida with me? We can talk and hopefully figure out what we are going to do about our future and the baby's. Will you do that for me?” he asks, raising his eyebrows. Don’t fall for it Lacey. His sweet charm cannot sway your decision.

“Caine, I’m not planning on a future for us and I certainly wasn’t expecting the news to change anything,” I say in haste.
Oh my God, healthcare, crap!
There is no way my parents can afford to help. Is there somewhere I can go for help?
I have no fucking clue.
I’m a freaking child having a child. "You can be in the child’s life and I’m sure there are resources out there for pregnant teenagers so my parents won’t be burdened with covering medical costs.”

“I’m sure there are resources Lacey, but I want to be the one to take care of you and the baby. I don’t want you to go through whatever system is out there when I can easily make you a dependent and care for you every day. I will be in my child’s life no matter what, but I hope you will at least come to Florida with me so we can talk more and figure this out together.”