Doubt (The Connected Series Book 1) (31 page)

I put my phone back on the table and lie back; I have so much to explain to her, I can’t do it in a text. I settle back into my pillows and fall asleep again. Sometime later, there is a knock at the door and Doug steps in, looking better than he did the night before.

“You’re awake.” he smiles his breathtaking smile, “It’s so good to see you awake, how are you feeling?”

“A little better. I spoke to the doctor today...” he sits down next to me, taking my hand.

“What did they say?”

“I should be able to come home tomorrow... and there is no reason we couldn’t have another baby.” he looks at me.

“That is the best news.” he kisses my hand, bringing it to rest on his cheek.

“They said we should wait, let my body recover. But we can try again.” a tear rolls down my cheek, “I wanted this baby Doug.” he moves my table and wraps me carefully in his arms.

“I know you did, I did too.”

He doesn’t tell me everything will be okay, he doesn’t tell me we can try again, and he just holds me. We just sit together for a long while, he was comforting me and I guess I was comforting him too in a way.

“Miley text.” I sniff, “They have set a date for the wedding. August 10th.” Doug pulls back.

“That’s fast.” he runs his hand over his face.

“I know, she said she didn’t want to wait….”

“I haven’t told anyone Sophie, I didn’t know what to say.”

“It’s okay. I’ll call my parents soon. I don’t want them rushing up here. I just want to get out of here and get my head together before I have to face telling anyone.”

“Abigail wanted me to give you this.” he reaches into his pocket and hands me a drawing of red flowers and the little teddy she got me.

“She is missing you so much. She will be so happy you are coming home tomorrow.”I don’t know what to say to that, I’m not sure how I am going to feel seeing her.

“Can you lay with me?” I ask him, shifting over.

“Here? What if I lay on something?”

“You won’t. Please? I need your arms around me right now.” He looks at the door then takes off his jacket and shoes.

“Okay.” he sits on the bed then lies back, I move into his chest and inhale him.

“I need you, Doug. So very much.” he holds me a little tighter.

“I need you too. I love you.” I fall asleep feeling a little at peace at last.

Doug wakes me before he leaves.

“I’ll come collect you tomorrow. As soon as you’re allowed home, okay? Call me.” He seems reluctant to leave.

“I will. Thank you for staying with me.”

“I wanted to stay. The nurse came in and saw you asleep, she said I was welcome to stay, as you were in your own room and all. Get some more rest, tomorrow will be here before you know it.” he picks up his jacket, slipping on his shoes.

“I love you Sophie, so much. Never,
ever
forget that.”

“I love you too.”

I manage a little of my dinner, before pushing it away feeling sick. I try to watch a little TV but stop when advert after advert it advertising something with a baby in it. You never realise how much babies feature in
everything
until you don’t want them to. A nurse comes in to check my OBs and tells me I can have the drips taken down.

“The doctor is happy you are eating and drinking, so we can get rid of these. Hopefully you can sleep a little more comfortably tonight.” she smiles wheeling the machine away. I switch off my TV, turn out the lights and settle in for the night.

***

I’m given the all clear in the morning.

“Just be kind to yourself, Sophie. You’ve been through something huge; your emotions are going to be all over the place, your body too. You need to rest and let everything settle. Don’t rush it, okay?”

I nod, tears swimming in my eyes, not feeling ready to leave the safety of the hospital yet but wanting to go home desperately too.

“This is my number. If you need help, with anything, please, get in touch.”

Doug comes and collects me as soon as I phone him and tell him I can come home. Part of me is relieved I can leave, the other part of me — and I hate this part — is dreading seeing Abigail. Not sure how I will react. I don’t really say anything on the journey back. Doug is holding my hand in his, bringing it to his lips randomly and kissing it.

“Do you need anything while we’re out?”

“No, I just want to get home, showered and in to bed.” I rub my forehead, feeling a headache coming on.

“Sophie.... Abigail leaves in two days. Do you think you’ll be okay... and be able to... hold it together until then?” He asks. His eyes focused on the road. I turn my head, glaring at him. Something inside me flips.

“
Hold it together
? Hold it to-fucking-gether? Are you being serious, Doug?” I swipe at my eyes.

“I didn’t mean it like that, Sophie, I just mean… shit! ”

“I know what you meant. You mean, can I keep from curling up into a ball, from shutting everyone out and from spending my time crying and grieving for my baby, the baby I lost two days ago?”

My voice breaks, my heart breaks, I break a little more at the words. I wrap my arms around myself, trying to keep the broken pieces of myself together. Doug pulls over, turning to face me.

“Sophie, I’m hurting too.” I look at him.

“Not how I am hurting, Doug.
Not
how I am hurting.
I
’
m
the one who lost our baby,
I
’
m
the one they had to operate on to stop the bleeding,
I
’
m
the one whose womb is
empty
now,
I
’
m
the one who walks away from this a nothing, you, you’re still a father. I’m not a mother. I lost my baby.” I can’t stop the sobs from breaking free, tears spill out of my eyes, taking with them a little piece of me.

“Sophie, no.” Doug gets out of the car, coming round to my side and opening the door. He crouches in front of me, pulling me out of the car, right there in the lay-by.

“Never,
ever
say you are nothing. You are everything.
You
are
my
everything
.” he rocks me, at the side of the road. Like a child.

“I’m not a mother, Doug. I lost my baby.”

“I know.
I know
, I wish it was different; I would do anything to change what happened. But I can’t.” He lifts my chin and meets me eyes.

“We have to find a way to get through this; we have to find a way to be happy again.” I push away from him.

“How can you talk like that? How can you be so quick to forget our baby?” I get up and start walking away.

“Sophie!” Doug is behind me in seconds.

“Get back in the car, please. You can’t walk along here.” I turn around and get back in the car, knowing he is right.

“I haven’t forgotten. I will never forget out Angel. But we have to keep going, we have to help each other. And I have to be there for Abigail too.” I don’t know why it upsets me so much, but the mention of Abigail makes me so angry.

“You’re right; you need to be there for
your
daughter. Who do I have to be there for Doug? Huh? Who do I have that
needs
me?”

“
Me
. I
need
you, Sophie. I. Need. You.” He brings his hand to my face, making me look at him.

I don’t say anything, the pain is too strong, I need to go home, I need to sleep. I need to be alone.

“Just take me home please, Doug.” He nods and starts the car, it’s not till it’s too late I realise we are headed to Doug’s and not my flat.

“I don’t want to be here, Doug.” he looks at me as he parks.

“You asked me to take you home. This is your home, Sophie.”

I’m too weak to argue. I get out of the car and call the lift. He takes me hand while we wait, and I let him. Soaking up the warmth from his hand.

“Will they be there when I go up?” I ask, not looking at him.

“If by they, you mean Abigail, Jane and Ian. Then yes, of course they will be. They are worried about you, Abigail is so scared you’re not coming home... like her mum.”

I look at him, his face is so sad, I don’t think it is possible to feel worse than I do right now, but I do. The lift arrives then and we step in.

“Can you please just say hello to her, Sophie. So she can see you’re okay?” I hold my breath.

“I’m not okay, Doug. I’m so far from being okay…”

“I just mean...”

“I get it.” the lift arrives at Doug’s floor and we step out. Doug opens the door and Abigail comes running towards him.

“Daddy, did you get Sophie? Is she okay?” she frowns at him, tears in her eyes.

“I got her baby girl, she’s right here.” he moves out of the way so she can see me.

“Sophie!” she runs at me, wrapping her arms around my legs, just like she did the first time I met her.

“Hi Abigail.” my voice sounds flat.

“It’s good to see you.” Jane’s says from the sofa, “Can we do anything?” I shake my head.

“Not right now, thank you.”

“Are you okay?” Abigail asks, looking up at me, worry all over her face.

“I’ll be okay. I just need to go rest.” I step forward and she lets me go.

“Okay.” she says, tears spilling out of her blue eyes that are the exact same colour as her fathers. Doug picks her up and she buries her face in his neck.

“I’ll come see you later.” I say, before turning and walking up the stairs.

“I’ll be up in a minute.” Doug calls after me.

I don’t bother to answer him. I step into the bedroom and close the door, pressing my back to it. I walk over to the bed and throw back the covers, removing my tracksuit bottoms. I sink into the soft sheets and turn on to my side. I lay there, tears streaming down my face. I hear the door open and Doug comes in.

“Here, I bought your pain killers and some water.” he puts them on the bedside table and its down, “Talk to me, Sophie. Please, please don’t shut me out.”

“I need to sleep, Doug. Can we do this later?”

“I’ll leave you to rest, but we need to talk.” he kisses me on the head before he leaves.

I know I am shutting him out, I know I am hurting him when he is hurting too. I know Abigail needs me to tell her I am okay. But I hurt too much to do any of the things I know I should. All I want is for my baby to be safe and healthy. It doesn’t take long for me to fall asleep, but it isn’t the restful sleep I was hoping for.

Chapter Twenty-nine

When I wake up later, I am aching and sore. I sit up gently, reaching for my glass of water, I check the time. I’ve been asleep for a little over three hours. I’m due some painkillers so I pick up the box and pop two out. As I am swallowing the second tablet, the door opens. Abigail’s little face peers around the door.

“Sophie... c... can I come in?” she’s been crying. Her eyes are red and her cheeks are wet.

“Come on in.” I smile at her, moving over to make space for her. She climbs up and snuggles into me.

“Sophie, I’m scared.” she cries. My throat constricts and I try to swallow down the lump in my throat.

“Why?” I whisper.

“I... I’m scared. Are you going to heaven like my mommy?” she asks, look up at me. “She went to the hospidal and she went to heaven.”

Oh God, how am I supposed to answer that?

“No... I’m not going to heaven. I just... I’m just a little sick. But the doctor at the hospital has given me some medicine and soon... soon I will feel better.” As I say the words, I say a prayer that they are true.

“You promise?” she whispers.

“I promise, I’m not going to heaven.” she hugs me tighter.

“Can I tell you about my Mommy?” she asks, holding my hand.

“Of course you can.”

“She had long hair, like you. She let me brush it.” she smiles at the memory. “We baked cookies and she took me to the park. I miss her.” I snuggle her closer, not knowing what else I can do to ease this little girl’s pain.

“I know you do.” I kiss the top of her little head, inhaling her sweet scent.

“Nana said, she is happy in Heaven, that she watches me.”

“She would be so proud of you, Abigail. You are an amazing little girl.”

Her tears seem to slow down, her breathing getting deeper. She doesn’t say anything for a while and I realise, she has fallen asleep. Her tiny body is so soft, I hold her closer to me. I take comfort from her closeness as I drift off to sleep.

I
’
m walking on the beach; the sun is warm on my skin, the sand wet between my toes. The waves are lapping at the shore. In the distance, a little girl is playing with her mummy, both of them running closer to the waves then trying to run away from them as they come closer. As I step nearer, I see the little girl is Abigail. She is smiling and laughing as her feet get wet. As I reach where they are standing I look at the woman’s face. Lauren. She looks exactly like she does in the photo Doug has. I falter, not wanting to intrude when she reaches out and takes my hand.

“Sophie. I
’
ve wanted to speak to you for a while. Walk with me?
”

I can
’
t say anything, I only nod. We start walking down the beach leaving Abigail to play happily.

“
Sophie, I can never tell Doug how sorry I am for what I did. I won’t try to make excuses. I
’
m so sorry he never got to share Abigail
’
s first few years. And I
’
m so sorry I won
’
t be here to see her grow up.
”
she wipes her eyes, silent tears are rolling down her cheeks, she looks beautiful even though she is crying.

“
I want you to do something for me, Sophie. Can you do that for me?
”
I nod again, unable to find my voice.