Doubt (The Connected Series Book 1) (32 page)

“
I want you to help Doug look after Abigail. She is my heart here on earth. I love her with everything I have. She was and is the best thing I ever did.
”

She looks back over her shoulder at Abigail playing in the sand. Finding my voice, I manage to reply.

“
I will do everything in my power to make sure she is happy, Lauren. She is an amazing little girl. To have overcome the heartbreak, to welcome not only her father, but me into her life, with no questions asked. I am in awe of her.
”

“
She is very special. I knew that the day she was born. I want to make a promise to you too, Sophie.
”
she stops walking, leaning her hand down to rest on my stomach.

“
I will look after your Angel in Heaven, like you will look after my Angel on earth.
”
I close my eyes, tears filling and spilling over.

“I
’
m not sure…
.”

“
You can, Sophie. Abigail loves you. Doug loves you both. You can. I promise to look after your little Angel, just like I would Abigail
. We
’
ve both lost our babies, Sophie. I understand your pain.
”

“
I want my baby back Lauren.
”
I open my eyes and her eyes are overflowing with tears too. She looks back at Abigail.

“
So do I, Sophie. So do I.
”

***

I wake with a start. Sweating and out of breath. It’s dark. I have Abigail snuggled to me one side and Doug on the other. They are both still with sleep and breathing softly. I look at the clock and it’s 11.25pm. I try to calm my breathing.
What was that?
I never met Lauren in my life, how could I dream about her?
Why
would I dream about her? And why now? I can only think that talking to Abigail about her mum right before we fell asleep prompted it. She asked me to look after her baby; she said she would look after mine. I wipe at my eyes, more tears are flowing. I don’t know how I dreamed it, I don’t know why. But I do know, wherever my baby is, they are safe with Lauren. We have a bond. Something we have both loved and lost but for very different reasons.
Our babies
. I lie there for a while longer, trying to process my dream.

I don’t know how long Doug has been here, but I guess Abigail has been here since she fell asleep earlier. I don’t want to disturb them, but I need the loo.

“Doug...” I whisper, he moves to look at me.

“Are you okay?” I nod and point to the loo.

“Okay... Do you need help?” I nod again. He gets up and lifts up the covers.

“Abigail has hold of me and I don’t want to wake her.”

He frowns, then goes over to her side and lifts her little arms off me, she groans in her sleep, reaching out for me.

“Use a pillow?” I suggest.

He picks up a pillow and snuggles it between her arms, it seems to work and she sighs in her sleep. Doug comes back round to my side and holds out his hand. He walks with me to the loo, holding my hand. He steps into the bathroom with me and I immediately notice the bathmat is gone from the shower. Doug notices me look and his face pales.

“We had to get rid of it... After you...” he doesn’t finish. I understand.

“Can you go to the loo on your own? Shall I wait outside?” I nod and he steps outside the door. I finish my business and stand to wash my hands. Doug must hear the water as he comes back in.

“This is the first time in two days she has slept like that, she has been so scared. It bought back a lot of bad memories for her.” he rests up against the vanity, looking at me.

“She asked me if I was going to go to heaven earlier.” Doug gasps.

“I told her I wasn’t. She told me a little about her mum, she misses her Doug. It seemed to help, She fell asleep pretty soon after.” he rubs his hand over his face.

“Sophie, I’m sorry for what I said earlier. I wasn’t thinking straight, I was so worried about both of you.” he moves towards me, wrapping his arms around me, “Are we okay?” he whispers.

“Yes.” I whisper back. He just holds me. The silence is broken by Abigail’s cries.

“Sophie!
Sophie
! Where
are
you!?” she is getting more hysterical with each cry. Doug pulls open the door and runs to her side.

“Ssssssh, it’s okay. It’s okay.”

Doug has her in his arms and she is sobbing uncontrollably, her eyes searching the room for me. When she finds me, she wriggles free from Doug and comes running over to me.

“You’re here.” she wraps her arms around my legs and squeezes.

“Of course I am. I just needed the loo.” I try to reassure her. She stands, sobbing into my legs, her little body shaking.

“Come on, let’s go back to bed.”

I walk over to where Doug is, getting in to bed. Abigail climbs in next to me, wrapping her arm over my stomach. I tense, but she doesn’t seem to notice. Doug walks round to the other side and gets in.

“Let’s go to sleep.” I whisper to them both. I look down and smile, Abigail is already asleep.

I wake up the next morning to a pair of beautiful blue eyes. Abigail is awake and looking at me.

“Good morning Sophie.” she whispers, resting her little hand on my cheek.

“Good morning, Abigail.”

“Daddy is still asleep...”

She raises her head off her pillow and looks over my shoulder. I roll over and see Doug, fast asleep next to me. He is so breathtaking. His mouth is a little bit open, his hair falling over his forehead and his eyelashes fanned against his cheek. Our baby would have been beautiful if they looked like him. I wince, the thought causing me actual pain. Doug opens his eyes then and his eyes look worried.

“Sophie?” I shake my head.

“I’m okay.” he sits up and spots Abigail still in our room. He nods, letting me know he understands.

“Morning baby girl.” he smiles “You okay?” she smiles and nods.

“I got to sleep here
all
night!”

“Aren’t you lucky.” he smiles back.

“Yes! It was like a sleepover!” he laughs and looks at me.

“Are you hungry?” I shake my head.

“Not really, but I should have something.”

He gets up stretching his arms over his head, causing his T-shirt to rise and show an inch or so of his stomach. Even in my current state, the sight of Doug’s stomach makes my heartbeat pick up.

“Do you have any smoothies?” I ask following him.

“I think so, yes. What do you want Abs?” he calls over his shoulder, walking to the door.

“Pancakes!” she calls, “
Lots
of pancakes!”

Chapter Thirty

I manage a small glass of smoothie and a little chat with Jane at the breakfast bar before I need to go lay down. Having to pretend I am holding it together is exhausting. The tears start to fall the minute I close the bedroom door. I sink to the floor, holding myself together with one arm wrapped around me. Doug finds me like this ten minutes later.

“Sophie.” he drops to his knees in front of me, looking lost, “Come on, let’s get you into bed.” he lifts me effortlessly and lays me down.

“What can I do?” he lays down next to me, pulling me into him.

“Nothing... there is nothing anyone can do.”

I sob. I didn’t realise the human body could produce this amount of tears. Each time I cry, I think there can’t possibly be any more... yet there always are. He runs his hands up and down my spine, soothing me. It doesn’t make it better, but it helps.

“I h-had a d-dream.” I hiccup.

“What was the dream?” his hands a rubbing soothing circles on my back.

“L-lauren was t-there... s-she told m-me...” the tears comes stronger now.

“Lauren?” Doug can’t hide the surprise in his voice.

“Y-yes, s-she told me s-she would l-look after m- our b-baby if we looked a-after h-hers.” I try to calm my breathing, inhaling deeply.

“She did? It sounds like a…”

“A weird dream?” I sniff, “It w-was. But, it sort of h-helped.”

“Our little Angel is safe, Sophie. In heaven. I know that.” Doug whispers against my hair. “I know that.”

He cradles me for a long time, whispering how much he loves me, how much he misses our baby and how he wishes he could change what happened. After the tears have stopped I notice how yucky I feel.

“I’d like to take a shower, can you help me?” I murmur.

“Of course. Jane and Ian have taken Abigail to the park. They thought we needed some time alone.” He stands and heads to the bathroom. I hear the shower go on. I start to get up when he comes back into the room. He helps me stand then starts to try and undress me.

“Doug, don’t.” I try to push him away but he stands firm.

“I thought you wanted me to help you?” his voice is shocked, his eyes hurt.

“Just into the shower, I can do the rest.” I pull down my t-shirt.

“Why? Sophie, I’ve seen you naked hundreds of times.”

“This is different Doug, I’m still bleeding and I feel....” he steps forward.

“You feel what Sophie?” I hide my face with my hair.

“I feel, ugly and gross and less of a woman right now and I don’t want you to see me.” He inhales sharply.

“Look at me.” his words are soft but firm.

“Sophie, look at me.” he pulls my chin up to look at him.

“You are beautiful, stunning, perfect. You always will be to me. Always. You are all woman.”

“But I lost our baby.” more tears fall.

“That wasn’t your fault. It was no one’s fault. It was just an incredibly sad thing. We’ll have another chance when we’re ready. I can feel it.” he reaches down and pulls up the hem of my T-shirt.

“Let me look after you.” I don’t stop him, he is gentle, loving and so what I need right now.

He removes all my clothes, leaving my knickers on and we walk into the bathroom. He strips out of his clothes and steps into the shower, holding out his hand for me. I take it and step in.

“Keep those on, if it makes you feel better. But I want you to know, you are perfect.” I look into his eyes, he is so kind. More than I deserve after the way I have been behaving.

“I love you so much, Doug. I’m so sorry for how I’ve been acting.” he presses a finger to my lips.

“You have nothing to be sorry for.” he leans down, pressing his lips to mine softly.

He reaches behind me and gets my shampoo angling me so my hair gets wet, he washes my hair, gentle but firm fingers, I groan feeling some of the tension leave my body.

“That feels so good.” he presses a kiss to my shoulder and tilts my head back to rinse the shampoo out.

When he leans over me for the soap, I feel his erection brush my hip. I look at him and he looks,
embarrassed
?

“Sophie, this is my problem.” he gestures down to his erection, “I find you so arousing, I can’t help but get hard when you are naked and wet in front of me. But I don’t want this to be sexual; I really do just want to look after you.” I inhale, letting his words wash over me and smile at him.

“Okay.”

He washes me, tenderly, my arms, my legs, even my toes, before washing quickly himself then turning off the water. He steps out wrapping his waist in a towel before stepping forward and wrapping me in one too.

“Could you get me some clean underwear?” he nods leaving me in the bathroom. He comes back a few minutes later with not only some clean underwear but one of his t- shirts and a pair of my jogging bottoms.

“I’ll leave you to get dressed. Call me if you need anything.” I get dressed, stepping out of my wet underwear and into the fresh ones. When I step out of the bathroom, Doug is dressed and sitting on the bed waiting for me.

“Can we talk?” he asks, eyeing me warily. I nod and sit next to him.

“Jane, Ian and I have been talking. Jane and Ian, they think it is best for Abigail... to come live here, in England.” I look at him surprised.

“So soon?” I knew this was the plan, but I didn’t realise it would be this quick.

“Yes, Abigail got in a real state when they told her they would be leaving the day after tomorrow. She doesn’t want to go. So after talking it over, they have decided to rent out their house in New York and move here. The reasons they moved to the States aren’t there anymore. Ian is retired and with Lauren gone... they want to be with Abigail. And Abigail wants to be here.”

“So…”

“So... they are going back as planned. They will put the house on the market to rent, pack what they can bring over on the plane and come back. They will ship over the rest of their stuff once they find a place here.” My head is swimming.

“Where will they stay while they are looking?” he clears his throat turning to me.

“I said they are welcome to stay here... but that...”

“But that?”

“I said they could probably stay in your flat seeing as you were moving in here.” He looks worried, like he isn’t sure how I will react to this.

“That makes sense. I am moving in here and they would like a space of their own I’m sure.”

“You’re still moving in?” Doug releases the breath he is holding in, in a rush.

“Don’t you want…?” I panic, looking at him.

“Yes, yes of course I do. I just wasn’t sure if after what happened, you would have changed your mind.”

“Doug, what happened… It is... heart breaking. But it doesn’t change what we have, what I feel for you. You are my heart, Mr. Roberts.”

Doug closes his eyes and breathes in a couple of breaths. When he opens them he smiles.

“You’re my heart, my soul, my everything. I love you so much, Sophie.”

We crawl up the bed and I lay in Doug’s arms till I fall asleep. The pain was still there but I had hope in time it would get easier.

***

I sleep for most of the next day, my body is still trying to heal and after the dream and the chat without Doug, I am exhausted. Doug keeps popping in to check on me and Abigail comes in and just sits with me. I sense she needs to know I’m okay. I read her stories, I plait her hair and we watch TV together. I was worried that being around Abigail would cause me more pain, but it seems like it is the opposite, I still feel the undeniable pain from losing the baby, there is a part of me, I don’t think I will ever get back. But spending time with Abigail, I feel a little hope is in my life. If she can be so strong after everything she has been through, I owe it to myself to find the strength to get through this, even if it does take time.