Falling (14 page)

He just nods his head again.

“I'm sorry. This is too much for you to process. I shouldn't have told you.”

I turn my body to face the street slumping further into the bench. Why, why am I so dumb? Why didn't I stop myself?

“How did you find me, Reid? I mean, when Hayden fell over you ...”

Oh crap, why did I have to expand on my little story? I stay quiet, making him spit it all out.

“Did she actually fall over you, or were you. You know, in her,” he asks quietly.

“Does it matter?” I avoid answering his question. There is no way I can answer it without making this worse. And right now, it can't get much worse.

Keller is moving slowly away. Physically shifting away from me, one arm around his waist. The other gripping the bench, ready to fend me off the second I decide to come any closer.

I close my eyes. I don't want to watch him move away from me, slowly and quietly so I won't notice.

One. Two. Three. Four. Five. I count slowly in my head. Six. Seven. Eight. I draw out each number to a full second.

Nine. Ten. Eleven. Twelve. How long do I give him?

Three hundred and ninety-eight seconds. This is so horrible. I can't deal with this any longer.

“I should go home.” I jump to my feet, making him jump further away from me. “I'll catch the bus, it's not far from here. Sorry about, um, everything.”

I don't want to say exactly what I'm sorry for.

“No, you don't need to do that. I'll drop you home.” But he doesn't argue that I should stay either.

The car stops at the curb outside of school, but he leaves it in gear and running. “Have fun at your aunt's place,” he says awkwardly.

“I won't see you before I go?” I push the hurt away. This is my own fault. I have no one to blame except stupid me. But that only makes it worse.

“Dad was talking about going away this weekend, so I might not.” He looks at his fingers gripping the steering wheel. My eyes are glued on them. I know I have to get out, but I don't think I will ever be in this car again. I drop my gaze to my own hands.

The green fluro numbers change on the clock. No sounds from either of us. I can't stand the weird silence any longer.

“Oh right. Well, if you can find the time to come say goodbye, then you could meet aunt Kelly.”

He slowly moves his head up and down non-committal. “Yeah. Um, I'll see if we go away early or not.”

I feel broken. “Well, you have a great break.” I jump out and slam the door as hard as I can, which is probably going a bit far, but I don't know what else to do.

Not that slamming his door will do anything. Except make him think I'm more of a loser than before, because it's all my own stupid fault. I stomp up the stairs and into the building without looking behind me.

I hear his car drive away as soon as the door shuts. He's probably driving straight to Hayden with a new pair of shoes to get her to take him back. Anything's got to be better than me and my crazy. I stomp down to my room. Megan probably even looks good about now.

I get back to my room, shut the door quietly behind me. I want to throw it through the frame, but that would probably make Mrs. Kite come and check, and I don't want to talk to her right now.

Sara is sprawled out over her bed with her iPod on. I don't want to answer any questions, so I smile brightly. But when she starts to take the earphones out, I wave my hands in front of me, quickly grab a towel and my shower stuff and hold it up to show I am leaving anyway. She pushes them back into her ears and starts mouthing the lyrics again silently.

“Back already, Reid? Keller fitting in another date around you?” She snickers.

I stop, and swivel around to meet her face. Don't do it, don't do it.

“You think he wants you so much, Megan?” What a surprise, I do it anyway. “Go, ask him out. Tell him I said you could, and see what he says.”

I take a step forward, gain an ounce of control, and march away.

I stand under the hot water letting it sting my skin, which feels so cold. I turn it up a tiny bit more, shivering under the searing pressure of the water. What a mess. I turn around, letting it run down my back. I drown out my thoughts by shoving my whole head under the scorching water and holding it there until I have to take a breath.

Someone knocks on the door. “Lights out in five minutes. Make it quick, Reid.”

Argh, Mrs. Snouse, this night sucks. I scream in my head.

It can't be her weekend duty again already. I flick at the water lever and shut it off. This just gets worse and worse. I can't even have a long shower. Who cares if I'm not in bed by ten thirty.

“Who cares?” My mouth moves, but I don't make any sound.

“Lights out, girls.” Mrs. Snouse moves through the hall, knocking on each door as she moves slowly. “Let's get this done quickly tonight, I don't want to have to walk back again.”

I wonder if she thinks that will actually make people want to move faster. She is horrible. It makes me want to go slower just to annoy her. Logical? No, but logic and choices are not always best friends.

I get dressed taking my time in the dark before climbing into bed without saying anything to Sara. She will have to wait until tomorrow to find out what's up. I can see her looking at me, trying to catch my attention without speaking. I pretend I can't see her and roll over to face the wall. I hate this place. I hate being stuck here. I hate it being Friday night, and I can't even watch TV, get something to eat, or play on the Internet. Or any of the other gazillion things normal teenagers are allowed to do.

It bites that I have a lights out at almost eighteen. I rub at my face with both my hands. Today did not go how I planned.

* * *

Morning.

Gross.

It's sunny and warmish, mocking me that I have to be here and I have nowhere else to go.

I get straight out of bed. Sara is still asleep, and usually I would go back to sleep and wait for the teachers to knock on the doors. But I don't want to talk to anyone.

I grab my wallet, pull on the jeans that are slung over the end of my bed and tug a t-shirt over my head, pulling my hair back into a pony tail as I walk out the door. I shut it quietly so Sara doesn't wake up, and walk out of the dorm and down the road.

I stop at the bus stop not knowing where I am going. I check my phone to see if Keller has left a message or called and I didn't hear it. Maybe while I was in the shower.

Nothing.

Twice.

After waiting for a couple of minutes, a bus pulls up. I don't even bother checking where it’s going. I flash the driver my pass and head for a seat in the middle. People who want to chat sit in the front. And the back row always gets filled with groups of people. The middle is where you sit when you want the world to ignore your existence.

I sit back and watch the city move by me. It must be the bus to the library. It stops outside. I don't move. I wonder if Keller is in at work today. Maybe he's gone away early. I turn my face the other way. John didn't mention them going away. Not once. Not to anywhere.

I lean against the window and keep watching the city move around me in revolutions.

The libraries stop again.

And again.

And again.

I have been on this stupid bus all day. I haven't eaten anything since last night with Keller. I feel like I am going to be sick. I am back at the library stop for the twenty millionth time today. The bus is just about to pull out again.

“Wait. I call out.” I rush to the front of the bus and climb off.

The driver looks at me in the mirror confused. It looks like he is trying to figure out where else he picked me up from, apart from this morning.

“Thanks.” I go a bit red when he keeps looking at me. I should have a post it stuck to me, 'I have nowhere to go, don't judge me.'

I watch John walking out the door of the shop. I sprint down the street. A couple of people look at me. I pick up speed the closer I get to him. I have no idea what I am going to say if he turns around before I can get to him. I launch myself at him just as he turns into the alley to get in his car. I hit his body full force, but it doesn't seem to bother him, he just keeps walking like he was before. He sits down in the car and spins it around and back down the alleyway. Perhaps this was not the best choice.

I rub at my face with both hands. Why are you doing this? Just leave him alone.

But I don't want to. I want to see Keller. I want him to know, to understand. I didn't see him in the shop any of the times I went past, and he hasn't called. It is the first Saturday since we started dating that he hasn't come to at least see me.

I just want him to know that I'm not a weirdo. I’m not someone who follows people around, stalking them. Because that's not what you're doing now?

Great, now I'm having conversations with myself, inside someone else. That's a new, special weird, even for me. I should write it down in case I forget. I would give myself a sarcastic look, but that's a level of sad I'm trying to keep away from.

“Keller, you here?” John calls out before the door to their house is even open all the way.

“In my room.”

“Is Reid with you?” That's nice. But why is he laughing to himself? Maybe he doesn't like it that I am here so much.

“Who's Reid?” A female voice asks.

No way. NO way. He did not ditch me because Hayden is here. He did not go get Hayden. I'm gonna be sick on myself. I wonder if John will smell it.

Keller walks into the kitchen with a foul look on his face. “You didn't see her car outside?”

“Sorry, I must have missed it.”

“Really? You missed the bright red Mercedes convertible virtually on your porch?”

“It's dark, and I'm getting old. Maybe I need my eyes tested.” He says totally unrepentant.

“You’re old all right,” Keller mumbles as he stalks back out.

“You know you are much nicer when Reid is here. Maybe you should go pick her up. Or I can. She would probably love to meet Hayden.”

“She didn't last time,” he says almost silently.

“What was that?” John calls out pretending to be confused.

Keller doesn't answer, just closes the door loudly.

We both groan when Hayden starts to giggle. This is beyond horrible. She keeps going like she is trying to show John they are having a fabulous time.

In his room.

Probably on his bed.

Ahh…. I am going to lose my mind. I keep doing things that I know I shouldn't. I am a list of choices I shouldn't make, but I do them anyway. I saw the look on his face last night. He almost picked up the girl and ran her away when I offered to show him how jumping worked. Why did I offer in the first place? Because I am a crazy person.

“Pizza,” I shout as loud as I can, drowning out the other sounds. Well it's just Hayden, there are no other sounds in the whole house, just her and her horrible voice pretending to have a good time with my boyfriend. I start singing in my head. He knocks on Keller's door. “I'm going to get some pizza you want to come?” Please, please no. Do not let them come.

“Could you bring us some back?” Hayden says without waiting even a second. “Non-fat base for me. Whatever on top. But no onions or green peppers. They are just disgusting. I don't care what anyone says. They are filthy.”

“Um no. Non-fat is a banned substance in our house. Really it is like you just swore at me.” Under any other circumstances I would have laughed at that, but I can’t.

The door swings open. “Yeah, we'll come.” Keller says, his voice sullen.

I don't know if it is possible, but could it be more awkward. My boyfriend with his old girlfriend and me and his dad.

I want to scream. I want to take all my hair and stuff it in my eyes so I don't have to see this. Why did I come here? I gouge at my face with my fingertips, pausing on my eyes.

“You don't have to come,” his dad says with his hands held up in front of him. “Feel free to stay here.”

Yes please feel free to stay here.

“Yeah, Keller, we should stay.” She cuts in between us and Keller, running her finger down his chest. “I've really missed you.”

“I'm going now,” John says. “I need something to fill the space my puking just left.” Really I couldn't have said it better myself.

She doesn't look at us. “We could take this to my place.” She continues like he didn't even speak. Her finger halting at his stomach. If she drops it an inch lower I swear I will jump out and break it off.

Keller takes a small step back. “I haven't eaten for most of the day, Hayden. I could do with something hot.”

Keller steps around her and follows us.

“I could make you something hot,” she whispers.

I want to rip my ear drums out of my head. This is why you shouldn't follow people around. It makes you into a crazy person. I am now a crazy person. I wonder if I'll get a certificate.

Why can’t they take their own car? Why do they have to come with us? She has her shiny red stupid car that can take them far away.

Keller slumps into the front seat next to John. “Why are you making me sit in the back by myself Keller?” Hayden whines.

“Because there are already two people in the front Hayden. You can take you own car if you don’t want to sit back there.” Keller says in a deadpan voice, looking out the window.

“But I want to be with you K.” K? When has anyone ever called him K?

Thankfully with them not sitting together I can ignore and try to block out as much of the car ride as I can. Unfortunately we get to the pizza shop, she is all over him again.

“Keller, it's so great seeing you again. I just haven't met anyone like you at school,” she oozes out of her whiney mouth.

“Good to know you are trying,” he says, staring at the table, his hands clasped together.

“Who's Reid?” She answers back, getting snarky.

Come on, John. Say something.

She keeps going when no one answers her. “School's great though.” She doesn’t seem to mind carrying on all the conversation by herself. “It's only that you can't come with me that makes it bad,” she pouts with her mouth next to his ear.