Falling (13 page)

I try to pull in more oxygen but I get the hiccups instead, which makes Keller laugh harder. He stumbles, tripping over his feet as he looks back down the street. We find a park bench and sit down. We watch people walk past us as we sit away from the street untouched by the street lamp.

Keller pulls me into his chest while I hiccup every few seconds. “You need to breathe deeply,” he instructs me. “I read somewhere that it is an irregularity of breathing that causes hiccups.”

He breathes deeply with me, trying to stop the laughing.

“What were …,” hiccup, “you reading?” I can barely get the words out between each squeak.

“You know,” he laughs. “A bit of this and that.”

“So, where are you going for the holiday weekend?” He asks.

Anniversary weekend is coming up, I had planned on staying at school. But they are shutting it, so I have to go home. Seeing as I don't have a home, I have to go to my aunt's house. Not that it's bad. I would just rather stay here. Especially since John told me two days ago that Hayden is coming home for the break to see her parents.

“Probably to my aunt's house,” I say trying to breathe in through my nose and out through my mouth.

“Why don't you go home?” He asks surprised.

“I don't have a home,” I answer shrugging. It still surprises me how easily I can say that. Another hiccup bubbles out. I feel Keller's chest rise under my head as he mocks me with his own fake hiccup.

“What do you mean? Are your parents moving or something?”

I don't say anything. Instead I let my eyes close feeling Keller’s warmth under my cheek. I don't feel like laughing anymore.

Some days I wish I had my mum here. I wish she could know Keller. I wish I had someone to talk to, who had to love me regardless. Someone who I could know would never leave me. Then out of nowhere, just like the other day at the library, tears start to slide down my face, and my shoulders begin to shudder.

“Reid, what's wrong? What did I say? Are they moving?”

“No,” I whisper. This crying is out of control, he’s going to think I tear up at anything. “They are dead. I don't have a home because I don't have a family. I have to go to my aunt’s house because I don't have anywhere else to go. I don't have anyone else.”

I pause. “Wow, that was really dramatic.” I sniff loudly. “It’s not as trashy-novel plot as I made it sound.”

“Reid. I am so sorry. Was it long ago? Is that why you are at boarding school?” He runs both thumbs under my eyes wiping away all the tears before pulling my head against his shoulder again.

I nod my head; meaning why I'm at boarding school, and the tears continue to spill.

“This is your fault.” I say, trying to smile. “I never cry. Then I meet you, and I get found crying in the library. Then you take me out and make me cry.”

“It's okay that you are crying. It's massive.”

I sigh. “Yeah. But it was a long time ago. I miss them still, and they were great. I wish they were still here. But they aren't, and ...” I shrug my shoulders. “It just is.”

I stop talking, this isn't the best date conversation material. It's only
slightly
depressing.

“What happened?” He looks so concerned.

“Car accident. A truck crossed the centre line and ploughed into us.” I make exploding movements with my hands, following it with my eyes.

“Really. Were you in the car?”

I move my head up and down once. “In the back seat. The doctors could never explain how I managed to survive the impact. The only thing they could think was that the side-airbag inflated slightly before the crash. Almost like the car anticipated it happening.”

He looks at me wide-eyed. “Man,” he says, rubbing his neck. “I thought I had it bad when my mum left with one of the college guys that worked for my dad.”

“That sucks. I'm sorry. I like your dad. He's cool. Random, but cool.”

“Yeah he's not too bad. But what happened to you. Are you all right? Sorry I don't really know what to say. I wasn't really prepared for you to say they died. You don't talk about them much but I didn't think, you know. Sorry I need to stop talking, I keep saying they died. Oh my goodness. I did it again. I'm shutting up.” He holds his hand over his mouth.

“It's okay.” I say, starting to laugh at his frustrated expression. “I know they died. It isn't shocking to hear anymore.”

“Was it?” He removes his hand.

“It was. Whenever someone would say something, it was like it was happening all over again. One day I was a normal thirteen year old just out with my mum and dad. Then they were gone, and I had no one. The first time someone said I was an orphan, I cried so much I felt like I was going to suffocate. It felt like I was being crushed and choked at the same time.”

Keller pulls me into his chest in a tight hug. “I am so sorry for you. We can stop talking about it if you want.”

“No.” I say quickly. “No, it's nice to talk about them. I don't ever talk about them. Sometimes I don't talk about them for so long, they seem less real. It has been almost four years now, and I don't know how much longer they will be real in my head.”

I look straight into his eyes, forgetting that I shouldn’t. “When do you forget what someone looks like? How long does it take before you forget what someone sounds like or the things they said? When will I forget the last thing that my mum said to me?” I tear my eyes off him. “Sorry this is really morbid. You probably don't want to hear about the problems in my head.”

“I don't mind.” Keller pulls my head into him, and we both stare out into the crowds that are drifting past us.

Light, misty rain falls gently around us as lights blare out of cafes and restaurants. I watch them, trying to find a hint of what my family was. What my mum would have looked like now.

“What did she say?” Keller asks quietly.

I smile as I turn back to meet his face. “She really liked this yellow top for me. She turned around in her seat to face me, and she was smiling as she spoke … I was the one who screamed first. She wasn't even looking at the road when the truck crossed the line.”

My body starts to shudder again. “I can’t speak to aunt Kelly. I always feel like I should be together and moving forward around her.”

“Talk about them, then,” Keller says. “Tell me what they looked like, and what they sounded like.”

“My mum was fabulous. She was so cool. They had me young, but they couldn't have any more kids after me. They tried for years, but it just never happened. Mum used to call me her little miracle. I felt like I was the best thing that ever happened to them. I felt like I was.” A huge sob brakes out of my mouth. “I was something. I had people who loved me. Now I have teachers who follow me around to make sure I’m not sneaking out windows in the middle of the night.”

“You are special, Reid. You are the most amazing person.” He looks into my face, and there is the most irresistible pull to him. I can hear the noise of him still talking to me, looking at me with those eyes, and I can't help but gaze back into his face.

Once my eyes meet his I can't stop myself, even though I know what is going to happen, even though I can feel it happening. I can feel my body disappearing and melding into his. I don't know how to stop it. I know that somehow I am going to have to explain this, and he isn't going to buy it a second time. Still, I don't care. I should care. I need to stop this. But my eyes are trapped in his. I reach up and put my hand on his face. He smiles back down at me and I'm gone.

I look out from his eyes down to where I was just sitting. “What? Where’s she …?” Keller shouts jumping off the bench. “Reid? Reid, where are you?”

He spins around. “Where are you?” He hisses as someone stumbles past us.

He spins on himself again. “Reid?”

Then he stops. He looks down at himself, pulls on his shirt.

“She was right here,” he mumbles quietly to himself. “She was right next to me, leaning on me. I felt her. She was here with me.” His eyes close. “We were talking about her parents. Holy crap, maybe she's dead, maybe she's a ghost. No, other people can see her too.”

What am I doing to him? How am I going to get myself out of here? Why didn't I stop myself? I am so stupid for doing this, and the longer it goes on, the harder it is going to be to make up a story to fit it.

“I'm here.” I say softly, not looking out his eyes.

“Whoa. Where did you come from?” He spins around, expecting to find me standing behind him.

“Reid? Reid, I heard you. You just spoke to me. Are you like hiding or something?”

“Kind of,” I say.

“Stop doing that. You are freaking me out. Where are you? Please, Reid, just come out. Please. This is spinning me out,” he pleads with me.

I close my eyes and step out of him. Then very slowly, I turn to face him.

His eyes are enormous. “Reid?” He stops. His mouth opens and closes, but nothing else comes out. He is trying to find the words that match what he has just seen me do.

“Tell me.” He is holding onto his waist with eyes closed. “Please… did you just...” He pulls on his shirt so that it balloons out.

“Yip,” I say quietly, saving him from having to figure out how to say it himself.

“But… how?” He stutters, flickering his eyes open, then closed, then to me. But always holding onto his waist.

“No.” He points to me. “I just... um…” He squeezes his eyes tight. “I just don't get it,” he says at last.

“It's a pretty long story.” It looks like he's going to fall, so I hold his arm, walking him back to the bench.

He pivots around to me. “So, how did you step out of my chest?” He tries to sound nonchalant, but he doesn’t pull it off.

“I, um… Fall into people,” I say. “I look at people, and usually I have to kind of push myself at them, like jump towards them. Then I am inside of them. Sometimes, there’s a pull to them, I can sense them and where they are, and I just go toward them.” I cringe on the inside; hiding in a closet with all the lights turned off cringing. But the words stroll out of my mouth like it's nothing.

“You… fall into people?” He repeats.

“Yip.” I pause. “You want to see? I can do it to her.”

I point to a girl walking towards us with earphones in, but her music is turned up so loud, I can hear it. Why am I being like this? I want to scream at myself. Stop, stop talking and lie. Lie and have no one in the world know, like every other minute since this started.

“No, no, no,” he jumps off the seat. “I don't think I can watch you do that again.”

I reach out and touch his arm, but he shudders slightly, and slips his arm out from under my palm.

“Are you all right?” I ask.

“I don't know. That was pretty crazy. How does it happen? How did it happen? Have you always been able to do it?” It all dribbles out in second.

“Um,” I stutter.

“Sorry. I just don't get it.” He rubs his eyes. “You stepped out of my chest. You just walked out of me.”

He pauses again, and I let him be silent, waiting for him to get it all out. “You were inside of me. Physically inside of me.” It looks like he is going to vomit.

“I haven't always been able to do it,” I explain, suddenly shy, like I should have been from the start. There was a reason you haven’t told a single person in human existence that you can do this, and you should have kept it that way.

“Yeah?” He urges me to continue, but I don't know if I should. He is giving me the same look that he gave to Hayden the day that I was with them at the mall. “Are you going to tell me how or why? Because it must make more sense than what is going around in my head.”

“I wouldn’t count on that,” I say quietly. “Since the car accident, I’ve been able to do it. The first time it happened, I was waiting at the police station for aunt Kelly to pick me up. I could hear them talking about me behind the front counter. The lady officer kept smiling this sorry pathetic smile at me. I couldn't take it another second, and I ran for the front door. But someone was walking in as I reached it, and I just fell into him. It took me a minute to figure out that no one could see me anymore. I fell down like the guy had knocked me over and I was out of him.”

Keller is frozen to the bench.

“So your parents die, and then you can jump into people's bodies. And what, hear everything they are saying? Like some kind of inside spy?”

“No, I can't hear what people are thinking. I can't do anything that they don't do. I am just in there. It is all black around me, I can still see my body. Just I no longer exist.” I try to explain calmly.

“So you couldn't hear anything I thought just then?”

“No. Could you hear anything I was thinking?” I ask back.

“No, but I could hear you speaking.”

“It's really weird that,” I say, thinking. “Usually I have to shout at someone for them to hear me, but you heard me easily.” I rush on, “when I fall into you, it’s so much easier than with anyone else.” I stare at his face, and for a second Keller stares back. But then he quickly moves his eyes away from my face so I can't look at them.

“You say that like you have done it to me more than once.”

I cough and try to look sorry.

“That night.” He moves away from me. “The night in my bedroom. That's what happened to you. You did it then too.”

“I didn't mean to Keller,” I say, raising my voice in defence of myself. “You’re acting like I’m some kind of weirdo stalker, following people's bodies around and trying to climb inside them.”

“Are you?”

“What!” I shriek. “No, you moron! I’m not. Don't you get what I’m saying? It's easier with you than with any other person that I’ve met. You can hear me when no one else can. It's like you are pulling me into you, and my body can't stop from following.”

“So you’re blaming this on me?”

“Who needs to blame? I haven't done anything wrong, Keller.” I twist around so his face is an inch from mine. “I am trying to say that you are more special to me than any other person I’ve met.”

He nods his head. “Have you done it any other time? To me, I mean?”

“Just once. When we were swimming,” I admit. I try to lighten the mood. “You were going to beat me,” I say, attempting to make him smile.