Get It Done When You're Depressed (30 page)

Anxiety involves very different brain structures than depression. About 25 percent of people with major depression have a diagnosable anxiety disorder, while another 25 percent have significant anxiety that’s considered a part of depression itself. Thus, depression can definitely have symptoms of anxiety without there being a separate disorder. With chronic low-grade depression, also known as
dysthymia,
about 50 percent of people have co-existing generalized anxiety disorder.

It’s also common for people living with panic disorder, crippling social anxiety, post-traumatic stress disorder, and obsessive-compulsive disorder to develop a secondary or “reactive” depression in response to the havoc the anxiety causes in their lives. In other words, ruined relationships, work problems, or intense social anxiety can make people feel perpetually isolated and lonely. This can lead to and definitely increase depression.

There’s some good news about anxiety. Because it’s often considered a part of depression, when you’re less depressed, you might find that the anxiety is a lot less as well. Anxiety can also be effectively managed through behavioral changes and exercise. A naturopath, masseuse, or yoga class can make a difference as well.

Here are some other thoughts to consider:

Remember:
Anxiety is a normal part of depression for many people, but if the anxiety doesn’t get better, talk with a doctor and see what’s medically available to help.

I can’t. You don’t understand. It’s too hard. You have no idea what it’s like for me! People are always trying to cheat me. I get so sick and tired of the way people drive! My manager is a jerk. I’m too tired. I don’t like it here—I’m leaving. Depression makes me like this. I don’t have the energy. This food is no good. This seat isn’t comfortable. Why does this always happen to me? They aren’t showing me the respect I deserve. I don’t know how. I
don’t
drink too much! Stop telling me what to do all the time. I’ ll get out of the house when I want to! I’m not negative, I’m just realistic. I can’t get things done! JUST LEAVE ME ALONE!

Depression makes you say things the people around you might not understand or might not want to hear. Often you say such things because you go on autopilot when you’re depressed. You’re like a doll, and when your string is pulled, a prerecorded message plays over and over again, spewing gossip, anger, sadness, hopelessness, irritation, and self-pity. You might not notice this when you’re depressed, but it happens. When depression is pulling your string, there’s a good chance the people who care about you just can’t take it anymore and leave. This is especially difficult if what you say affects your work environment.

From this day forward, look at what you say when you’re depressed and decide to either keep it inside, write it down in a journal, or change it before it comes out of your mouth. Your mood may stay the same; you may still agree with what you want to say, but don’t say it. This will change your life. When you have more control over what you say, you’ll find that a miracle happens: the thoughts that control your words have nowhere to go, and they start to dry up. Like weeds, they need to be watered. Not saying them out loud kills them and gives you either space to say kind and positive words instead, or the simple and liberating choice to just be silent if you don’t have anything positive to say.

Do any of these signs you might need to watch what you say apply to you?

You can learn to modify what comes out of your mouth. If you start practicing today, you can take care of the problem in just a few months. The people in your life will thank you!

In the past, if you tried to talk with me about politics or anything that involved opinions, I would get really loud and aggressive. This might seem simply like a personality trait, but it’s not. It happens mostly when I feel agitated and down. When my life is too stressful, I snap at people. I’ve been written up at work about it. But that’s not the real me. Friends would tell me about something they were working on and I’d tell them why it wouldn’t work. I thought I was just being helpful. When they made suggestions on how I could feel better, their ideas sounded crazy and I would say, “I can’t do that! That won’t work!”

I think it was hardest on my family. They never knew how I would talk about certain topics because I was so up and down. It took a rather serious problem at work to get me to examine my behavior. My boss came in and said there had been complaints about my attitude. My first thought was,
I’ ll show you attitude!
and then suddenly I had the feeling that this wasn’t the real me. I didn’t want to be this person. I see that my depression is exacerbated by my anger. I’m working on both.

I have a distinct memory of walking up a flight of stairs to a sports bar with my friend Gwynn more than 10 years ago. I was complaining about something, as I always did, and she turned to me and said, “God! Can you ever say anything positive?” I knew I had a negativity problem, but was I that bad? I also remember a time on a train in Japan when I was with a group of my girlfriends. I was going on and on about how crowded the train was and how hot it was and how my clothes were uncomfortable. A friend from India turned to me and said, “Then either move home or lose some weight. Just stop talking about it all of the time!” Wow!

I wish I could say I changed at that moment, but I didn’t. It would be a few years before I realized depression had distorted my feelings and led me to say the negative, whiny, and ugly things I used to say. I gossiped, envied others, complained about everything, and was generally an unpleasant person to be around.

Depression can lead people to say mean things to themselves and to others. Most people experiencing depression are living with a lot of suffering most days. It’s often very hard to not be consumed by these feelings. Sometimes the depressed person may reveal the anger they feel inwardly toward others who either seem to be having a carefree life (i.e., maybe envy is involved here) or because they often think others don’t truly understand them. Good-hearted people often try to cheer up the depressed person; such comments may have good intensions … but rarely are truly helpful. The depressed person hears those “Cheer up!” or “You don’t have anything to be depressed about” messages as a reflection of how much others really don’t understand their suffering. That can make the depressed person even more negative.

Another and possibly more frequent reason for saying mean things is that depression is often accompanied by irritability and low frustration tolerance. This may manifest in negative, angry, or hurtful comments, which can drive some people away (the resulting social isolation can intensify depression). Depressed people are much more likely to take things personally and to misunderstand some things others say. Family and friends of the depressed person need to appreciate that the anger and irritability are common symptoms of depression. Many people living with depression would never speak that way were they not depressed.

It’s totally appropriate to tell people you’re having a tough day. It’s very normal to need to talk to people about your sadness, worry, and fears about being depressed. The problem is when it goes on forever with little to no change on your part. The language you use when you’re depressed affects your relationships, work, and life in general. Getting things done often starts by facing something with positive words, no matter how you feel. You’ll see a big difference.

Here are some other thoughts to consider:

Remember:
You are not a prerecorded doll with a string controlled by depression. You are 100 percent responsible for the words that come out of your mouth. They can make all the difference.

Study after study shows that adding therapy to your depression treatment plan significantly decreases your depression symptoms. With the help of a qualified therapist, you can improve your ability to get things done.

You may already have a therapist and know the benefits, but if you feel sure therapy wouldn’t work for you, please reconsider. Talking with someone about your problems might feel like an invasion of privacy, but taking a chance with someone new and even uncomfortable really can make a big difference in your productivity as well as your depression treatment overall.