Hold My Hand (14 page)

His stern voice was reminder
enough of how I should respond. “Thank you, sir.”

“I told you I’d prefer you
look up at me, not lower your gaze.” He slipped his hand under my
chin and helped me to raise it. “Better,” he affirmed once I was
looking at him.

“Thank you, sir.”

He smiled again. “Did you
have a good nap?”

“Yes sir.”

“I’d like to have some
protocol, things we do consistently to establish a measure of
structure and comfort. This will help you feel more secure.”

“Thank you, sir,” I
whispered in that new shaky voice he brought out of me that sounded
far different from my own. Already, in this position, I was more
secure.

“Take off your shirt.” It
was the only piece of clothing I had on. Taking it off would leave
me naked but fortifying my resolve to be what he needed, I did as
he instructed.

“
This is how you’ll
always come to me. When we’re at home here, you can sit by me like
this while I work.” He ran his finger along my chin and a
delightful shiver rushed through me even as he drew a line along my
neck and onto my bared shoulder.

“Always naked?” I swallowed
back the need to argue this. I didn’t like the idea of being
naked.

“No, not always. I’ll let
you know when I need to see you. Right now though is one of those
times.” He continued stroking his finger along the curves of my
body, now swirling ever so lightly around the swells of my breasts.
Always sensitive to his touch, it didn’t take long before my
nipples were pinching into tight buds.

“Beautiful.” William saw the
tightening of my nipples just as the sensations rushed through me.
He paused, looking his fill while I remained as quiet and still as
I could manage despite his fingers continuing their movement
against my skin. “You’re so responsive to my touch. I believe you
were equally responsive to my spanking you earlier. Am I
right?”

“Yes sir,” I answered
reflexively.

William smiled and it shook
me to my toes. It was a wicked look, not scary because I couldn’t
imagine being afraid of him. He’s become my safety but his look was
one of all-knowing mastery. “Good. It just happens to be a favorite
activity of mine.”

I tilted my head to the side
in question and waited while William sat back and stared down at
me, kneeling before him vulnerable. I was naked and he was fully
clothed. There was a dichotomy there I didn’t miss and I suspected
he set it up this way. Nothing William did was unplanned or
arbitrary.

William continued his
thought in answer to my unspoken question. “Warming your bottom,
coloring it a blushing rose as beautiful as the blush running its
way across your cheeks.” He paused again, walking behind me to
massage the very bottom he was speaking of. “Do you want to know
why?”

“Yes sir.” I forced myself
to remain in place even though I wished I could lean into him.

He nodded and began
explaining. “This is an established practice many men enjoy. Some
call it discipline or maintenance spankings. Regardless, it’s a
means for you to remain focused and submissive to me.”

“You’ll spank me? For no
reason?” The words jumped from my throat before I could stop
them.

I peeked up from under
my lashes, my head still lowered, to see William considering my
question. His brows were furrowed and his mouth was curved downward
in a frown. “The reason will be for focus. It isn’t punishment –
that would be harsher for a time when you might disobey me.” I
bristled slightly at that term, a deep ingrained belief in women’s
equality roared to life, but I managed to bite it back. Apparently,
I didn’t center myself quick enough because William noticed my
reaction.

“Ah, you don’t like the term
‘disobey’,” William chuckled. “Tell me what bothers you about
it.”

I couldn’t help the snicker
and the sarcasm that tumbled from me. “It’s archaic. Women don’t
have to obey men. What about…” William’s grasp on my hair pulling
my head up stopped my words.

His response was stern; his
words stilted as he answered me. “I’m not suggesting what women
have to do. I’m telling you what you, Aubrey, must do. I expect you
as my submissive to obey me. And when you don’t, I expect you,
Aubrey, to accept my punishment.”

I stared up at him with
tears in my eyes. A lead ball took up residence in my stomach. I’d
so obviously displeased him and I wanted nothing more than to take
it all back. My instinct to balk at the connotation now seemed
ridiculous. “I hadn’t fully considered it. You’re right. I’m
sorry.” I forced the words out even as I fought to hold back pleas
for forgiveness. I was broken – a bird who’s broken a wing – and I
needed William to put it right.

“
I know this is new to
you. I’ve given you a lot to think about.” William released his
hold and stroked down the length of my hair, trailing down my back.
“Can you trust me to suspend judgment until we’ve tried something?
Everything will be within our boundaries we’ve already set.” His
eyes –that cocoa brown like melted chocolate- implored me to
acquiesce and I did, nodding.

He waited a long while with
his eyes cast off out the window beyond me. “Good, very good.”
William nodded. “These discipline spankings would be lighter than a
punishment. They would serve the sole purpose of refocusing us on
our relationship, our lifestyle choice. Do you understand?”

“Yes sir,” I answered
honestly. Using the time he stood silently, my mind rummaged
through the baggage and the voices and all the nonsense. Suspend
judgment, he asked me. When I do that, allowing myself to be open
to new possibilities, I clearly saw I needed what he offered me.
When I let go of all the voices in my head and focused on us –on
William and Aubrey- I was happy.

The knowledge that he’d been
considerate of my needs while I reacted so negatively was eating me
alive. I was angry with myself, frustrated that our conversation
took on a sour tone and so damn sad. I couldn’t get a grasp on the
sadness. Had I disappointed myself? Worse still, had I disappointed
William? My breath hitched as I concentrated on gaining control of
the rampant emotions assaulting me.

Sitting in front of me
again so that his thighs bracketed my body, William embraced me.
His strong arms tightened around me and I fell into his solid
chest, absorbing his warmth and security. The comfort of all that
was this incredible man surrounded me. I was safe. Everything was
right in our world as he simply held me, stroked my back and
murmured encouragement. “So brave, so sweet, my sweet Aubrey, my
little elf, so perfect.”

Relaxed, I floated on a
cloud of happiness until his next words pulled me back to our
reality. “I need you.” I had no time to respond before his lips
consumed mine. There was no gentleness to his desire, nothing soft
about this kiss. All wet tongues and biting teeth. It was
everything I needed right now – demanding, dominant and
possessive.

William released me, moved
to pull the snap of his jeans open and drew down the zipper. I knew
then without a doubt what I’d be expected to do. My mouth was
already watering at the thought of having his cock inside me.
Missing the sensation of his release when I cleaned him earlier, I
groaned when William reached inside his jeans, pulled his boxers
down and released his penis. It was so large and stood at
attention, pointing firmly in my direction.

I made another small
whimpering sound as William reached out to stroke my cheek. “You’re
doing so well. Don’t be afraid.” I closed my eyes at his
gentleness. How did he know it was exactly what I needed in that
moment?

I trembled as the smooth
skin brushed my lips and William guided his cock to my mouth, first
stroking my lips with the tip until I opened for him. My breathing
hitched almost immediately as my heart rate accelerated once again.
I was trying to remember the first time I did this so I could do it
correctly. I desired nothing more than to bring him pleasure.

“Relax, little elf, and I
will tell you exactly what I want you to do.”

He took my head in his hands
and lowered it closer to him. He slid his cock into my mouth until
it tapped against the back of my throat. Coughing, I struggled to
pull back but he only gave me an inch.

“Breathe through your nose
so you can take me fully.” His reminder set me at ease as I began
to filter air in and out through my nose.

As I breathed deeply, his
scent thickened around me. With the soapy scent from his recent
shower clinging to him and an underlying masculine musk, William
smelled warm and rich. His smooth, steel-hard cock stroked in and
out and I used my tongue to memorize the texture of him in my
mouth. I licked around the velvety tip and was rewarded with a
taste of his unique flavor.

I was surprised to feel the
warm wetness between my legs. I so badly wanted to touch myself –a
desire I seemed to have only with William- but I fought the urge
because this moment was about him. I wanted to please him.

I kept my eyes locked with
his as he stared down at me. I didn’t dare look away because his
eyes were so telling of his emotions. His body resonated power and
strength but the vulnerability in his gaze, as he bared his
innermost feelings, broke my resolve to keep any distance between
us.

William pumped in long
thrusts. I was accustomed to the brush of his cock against the back
of my throat now and I anticipated the movement, bearing my muscles
down to swallow each time. I took every stroke in silent victory as
I led this man –my man- to his pleasure. I was lost in William when
he gave one final thrust and I tasted those first jets of semen
coat my tongue.

“Swallow everything I give
you.” He needn’t give the instruction because I never planned to do
otherwise.

I hungered for him and found
nothing more fulfilling than his essence inside me. I swallowed,
licked and pulled out each drop, needing everything he had to
offer. The salty cream on my tongue reminded me of the first time I
pleasured William with my mouth. I indulged as long as he’d allow
until he pulled his cock from between my lips and lifted me up to
cuddle on his lap.

“Good, little elf.”
William’s compliment and smile was everything I needed.

He was my center, my moon
around which I orbited. I should tell him I’ve begun writing
regularly again. I had him to thank for the inspiration. He’d given
me an opportunity to feel worthy and accepted. Though there was
that tiny part of me still whispering that my desire for this
submission was somehow wrong, I couldn’t deny how much it had given
me already. I held tight to him as he stroked my back and savored
the moment.

I was touched by
grace.

Each weekend had been the
same for nearly six weeks. William would pick me up on Friday
afternoon and we’d spend the weekend together. The constant
attention for those few days was not nearly enough to quiet my
hunger during the week while William traveled for work. I wrote in
the evenings and worked at the coffee shop during the day. I missed
him terribly but was resolved to get my book prepared to submit
before the holidays.

There was nothing worse than
the holidays for me. I let myself hope that I might be spending
some of it with William even though we’d not discussed it. That
thought bolstered my usually gruff mood as I embarked on the
holiday season. The other thoughts –contemplations of our
lifestyle- keeping me up at night didn’t help my mood however. Why
couldn’t I simply accept what made me happy?

The church’s teachings
accepted the Divine Order including the headship of the family. The
Bible said the man has the right, and will ultimately be held
responsible, for leading a relationship. Wouldn’t this extend to a
relationship prior to marriage? Wasn’t this exactly how my
relationship with William has been framed? I wrestled with
accepting that our lifestyle was good, right and moral. I needed it
to be. I needed William but I needed my relationship with God to be
uncompromised. I couldn’t seem to reconcile these notions without
sensing one falls short of the other. These thoughts roll through
my head even as I now sat with William on Friday evening.

We were at that same
restaurant we’d eaten at after my first spa appointment. Hadn’t I
come a long way since then? I was also fairly certain we were
seated at the same table with a stunning view of the city but I
couldn’t take my eyes off William. He’d been gone the full week so
I hadn’t even seen him at the coffee shop.

I wanted to touch him
but knew he’d reach out when he was ready. With William, there was
always a plan, something I’d taken a great deal of comfort in. He
led and I willingly followed. I’d undertaken quite an adventure
with William as my tour guide. From the way I groomed to my
clothing, everything about me appeared more self-assured. Now if I
could only dismiss the lingering doubts so deeply implanted in my
psyche, I could achieve perfection.
You won’t ever be more than this.

I sat quietly,
smoothing down the course fabric of my wool skirt. William liked me
in skirts so I’d learned to wear them often. They made me feel
pretty, softer and I enjoyed the idea of someone considering me a
beautiful woman. I felt lighter, more feminine and delicate than
I’d felt in the past.
What man would want an ugly girl like you?

I observed William from
under my lowered lashes as the waiter poured wine into William’s
glass and waited. After tasting, William nodded and the waiter
filled both glasses. He placed the bottle on the table and left us,
all this done without a single word. I was accustomed to this
ritual and knew my role was simply to wait.