Hold My Hand (13 page)

I tried again to burrow
myself closer but he would have none of that. I knew it was only a
matter of time before I’d talk to him but William surprised me by
allowing me quiet time to reflect. He held me, lightly stroking my
back and then following the contours of my behind to rub the warmth
he created on my ass. I tightened.

“Relax, little elf, just
relax,” William coaxed my muscles to loosen as he massaged and
stroked. I allowed the silence to engulf me. His strong presence
held me as I came back to this place where he was my center and
everything was right in my world.

Relaxed in the moment
finally, I didn’t want to move when he said, “Up. Let’s shower and
I’ll make us breakfast. Then we’ll talk.”

He reached to hold my
hand.

I admired William’s
movements as he made omelets. He was dressed casually in jeans and
a black t-shirt. It was the most casual I’d ever seen him once
dressed for the day. His commanding presence was still here, even
in the kitchen where I’d guessed he didn’t spend much time.

“You cook?”

“I’ve lived on my own far
too long not to. A thirty-three year old man who can’t cook
wouldn’t survive too long.” William answered even as he whisked
vegetables into the egg mixture like a trained chef.

“I didn’t know how old you
were.” It was awkward but it’s all I could think to say.

“Does that bother you? Since
you’re only twenty-four?”

“No. I’d wondered, that’s
all, but hadn’t wanted to ask,” I answered honestly.

William paused from his task
to look over at me where I sat at the island, “Aubrey, you can ask
me any questions you’d like. I’ll tell you anything you want to
know about me.”

“Sometimes I can’t.” A blush
stole over my cheeks, making it obvious the times I’m referring
to.

“Ah, yes, that’s true,”
William nodded, “but those times are clear. When it’s casual,
everyday life, you’re free to talk all you want. In fact, I like
hearing your voice. It wasn’t so long ago that you seemed only to
talk when I asked a question.”

“I’m feeling more
comfortable,” I acknowledged his observation. I’d noticed it myself
– I had been talking more freely with William.

“That makes me happy.”

William turned back to the
omelets and left me to observe him in silence. As I watched him at
his task, I began to imagine myself touching him. The muscles in
his arms tightened and relaxed, his shirt stretched across his back
and I was given a delicious view of his backside as he moved about
the cooking area.

Soon enough, breakfast was
ready and William seated himself at my side. Tugging my stool
closer, he placed me between his knees and kissed my nose. With his
palm open and facing up, William offered his hand and once I placed
both of mine into it, as I knew he wanted, he closed it around
mine. His hold was firm but not painfully so. I felt connected to
him this way and safe in his hands.

I realized I was looking at
our entwined hands when William cleared his throat. The sound
caused me to look up at him. He smiled and placed a grape on my
tongue. As I sunk my teeth into the fruit, its flavor burst onto my
tongue. It was sweet with a deliciously crunchy skin and a cool
center. Before long, William gave me another and another. He placed
one in his mouth each time he fed me as well.

“Juice?” he asked before
offering me orange juice from the single stemmed glass on the bar.
I nodded and parted my lips in invitation. I accepted each item he
gave me, savoring his undivided attention. This has become one of
my favorite rituals. There were times now when I was feeding myself
that I found myself yearning for William.

William has become
necessary. Slowly -or more accurately, far too quickly- William
invaded my life so that the axis was now rotating around him as my
sun. I found it hard to imagine losing William and losing this
satisfaction and safety I now felt. He was everything I never knew
I needed to be whole.

Wiping my mouth with the
napkin as my bites slowed, William asked for the one thing I hoped
he wouldn’t. “Tell me about your family.”

“
There isn’t too much
to tell,” I attempted shrugging, feigning nonchalance.

“I think there’s much to
tell. I want to know everything about you.” He placed the napkin
down and molded both of his hands around mine. He locked his eyes
squarely onto me as a telescope into the inner workings of my mind
and his intensity made me squirm.

“
Wiggling is a sure
sign I’ve hit on something uncomfortable,” he paused. I thought he
was waiting for me to speak but I didn’t have to. He hasn’t asked
me a question.

After too many minutes of
silence, William asked, “You’re from Ohio?”

No, not a question! The rule
was I was required to answer his questions. Does that count even
now? Of course it does. Why was I even questioning that? I knew
better. I could do this. I’d keep to the basics and look for a
chance to change the subject.

Squaring my shoulders and
looking up at William, I answered, “Yes. Born and raised in the
same small town by Stan and Larinda Greene. I worked hard in school
with the singular goal of escaping.” I expounded enough to feel
safe. He really didn’t need to know more. This was my past. William
was my future.

“Escaping was an interesting
way to put it. Was Ohio so bad?”

“Not entirely.”

“Hmm,” William sighed
thoughtfully, his brows furrowed, when I said nothing else.

We sat in silence and, damn
him, but the silence pushed me to share more. “I had two sisters
who acted more like extra mothers, one that actually understood how
much my father’s constant badgering bothered me. Evelyn would try
to buffer him some. Mom worked at night as a nurse in the local
hospital, Sabrina was somewhat indifferent towards me, so that left
Evelyn to take care of me.”

“Even when you were
little?”

“Pretty much or, at least,
as far as I can remember. Evelyn and Sabrina got me off the school
bus, helped with homework, cooked dinner and put me to bed.” I
shrugged because this was no big deal to me. I adored Evelyn. She
was the best part of growing up. I envied her children who
inherited a wonderful mother, so unlike my own.

“Where was your dad?”

“He was there. He just
didn’t do those things.” I answered and quickly averted my eyes.
This was the topic I didn’t want to discuss. My eyes roamed for
something to lock onto. I could already feel my heart rate
accelerating and was sure William noticed too.

“So here in lies the
problem.” William’s thumb rubbed over the pulse point on my wrist.
I watched as it circled. I could feel the beat of my pulse against
his finger. “I’m right, aren’t I?” William’s gentle voice pushed
out those emotions I so stealthily locked inside. I felt the
stinging in my eyes as I fought to keep the tears away.

“I preferred it that way.”
My voice was quiet as I swallowed back the resentment. “He wasn’t
very nice.” I averted my gaze and then looked back at William when
he squeezed my hand again. “Can we leave it at that? I’m trying to
put my past behind me.”

“That’s exactly what I want
to help you do; but I think we have to talk about it before we can
move on.”

I said nothing. We just sat
in silence as William stroked my wrist and I watched his thumb
moving back and forth methodically. The rhythm was soothing. I
marveled at how this man could relax me even when talking about my
deepest sadness.

“Do you want to move on with
me, Aubrey?” William shocked me with his question. Of course I did.
I wanted him despite not understanding why he wanted me. He used
one of his hands to bring my chin up. He was looking at me again as
if I was a puzzle.

“Why do you want me,
William? Why me?” I couldn’t hold it back when he was looking so
intently at me.

“Because I can see what you
don’t. But,” he paused to take a sip of his coffee before
continuing, “I need you to see yourself clearly too. And I think
it’s something to do with your dad that keeps you from seeing
yourself clearly.” I shuddered at how close William came to solving
the puzzle that was me. How could he know? How did I give away my
secret?

I noticed William’s eyes
turn dark, nearly black. He swallowed down what looked like anger
and asked, “Did he hurt you?”

“No,” I answered
immediately, “not the way you’re thinking.” I shook my head and
realized I’ve no choice but to share this. The suspicions William
has conjured are far worse than what I’ve endured. “My dad was a
bully, that’s it, and I know it sounds ridiculous but to live with
someone being so mean and so hateful your entire childhood sucks.
He liked to name call and throw insults. I don’t think he ever
really liked me because I took the brunt of it.”

“Why? How could he not like
his own daughter?” He cupped my cheeks in his large palms. I saw a
flurry of emotions race through his eyes.

I shook my head, firming my
resolve to keep the tears locked inside. “I really don’t know the
answer. I was just never good enough. I didn’t have anything that
was special about me. Evelyn sang in the church choir. She was so
talented,” I smiled because I truly did love my sisters, especially
Evelyn. I didn’t blame them. “Sabrina ran track and won hundreds of
ribbons. Then there was me with no special talent at all. He never
let me forget it.”

“He’s your father. Every
father should love his children unconditionally,” William shook his
head, his eyes filled with sorrow. “I’m so sorry you weren’t
cherished like you should’ve been.” His lips touched mine ever so
softly and then he placed his forehead to mine.

For the longest time, we
simply breathed in each other. I was so grateful we were done with
this talk. He knew about my childhood now, he’d figured out my
trouble with my father and the reason I couldn’t help but feel so
negative at times. Now I could try to put it behind me. William was
my chance at my own life. I was no longer a child living in my
parents’ home. I was no longer a college student preparing for
life. I was now an adult and I was ready to live.

William’s voice was so soft
that I almost missed what he said. “Aubrey, I will cherish you.” He
scooped me up into his arms and carried me to the plush sofa in the
den.

I watched as this incredibly
capable man cared for me. If he only knew, I already felt so
cherished by him. I couldn’t possibly tell him I was falling in
love with him. It was crazy and I was positive it wasn’t what
William was looking for. He moved to the large stone fireplace and
built up a glowing fire that warmed my skin even from where I sat.
I smiled at how safe I felt just being there with him.

William returned to sit by
me and drew me into his side. He tugged the blanket from the back
of the sofa and placed it over me. “Why don’t you rest? I didn’t
give you much time to do that last night.”

I snuggled in and watched
the orange and blue flames of the fire as William picked up his
tablet. “You aren’t going to rest?”

“No. I have some work to do.
I just want to be able to hold you while I work. And you need more
sleep. Your eyes have black circles underneath.” He patted my back
where one of his arms rested before focusing on his tablet. William
wasn’t exaggerating. I wasn’t sure I’d even gotten four hours of
sleep the night before.

*****

I woke alone, lying on the
sofa under a soft blanket. It felt so comforting to be surrounded
by William’s scent that I was content simply to lay here for a few
minutes longer. It was becoming dark outside and I realized I’d
slept much longer than I’d intended. I wondered where William could
be so I sat up and went in search of him. He was in the very first
place I looked – his office.

Glancing up when I leaned
against the doorframe, William motioned for me to come closer,
“Come, little elf, come and kneel,” his voice was deep, commanding
and beckoned me forward without thought. I’d learned that nickname
was only for those moments when I must comply. It had already
become my trigger.

I took in his sharp
features, still unaccustomed to his beauty. He was unshaven today
and the shadow of a dark beard called to me. It was something he
didn’t do often so I wanted to touch him. Still sleepy though, I
simply allowed myself to follow his instructions. My legs carried
me towards him and as I looked at him, I felt my heart accelerate
at the possibilities dancing in my head.

The fear of disappointing
him was a sudden intrusion. The chatter inside my head changed and
I tried to talk over it. You can do this, I told myself. Why
couldn’t I be confident, brave and all those things William saw in
me? I wanted to be more for him but I was just Aubrey, absolutely
no one significant.

I dropped my eyes to the
floor so I didn’t have to see how he looked at me. I was sure it
would turn to disappointment at some point. That would be a lot of
pain to bear but I’d gotten myself in over my head. I tried to be
something I’m wasn’t. Silly me, I nearly had myself convinced I
could be perfect. I almost believed I could be enough for him. My
fingers folded into themselves as I gripped my hands for strength
knowing William was watching me.

I stopped when I was between
his widened knees and awkwardly kneeled though I’d practiced this
move for him several times. I arched my back and placed my hands on
my lap with the palms facing up just as he taught me. Then I
lowered my eyes and waited in silence.

“Good girl,” William
complimented in a soothing, gentle voice. I preened at his praise,
unable to stop a smile and felt his eyes on me. Sneaking a look
from under my lashes, I saw William’s smile.

Then it faded and it was as
if William was waiting for something. “Manners, little elf.”