Something Worth Fighting For (31 page)

Since you’ve found this it means I’m headed back to the sandbox. After reading your letter the other night I thought you might need one of these for yourself. Fair warning I’m not really great at this kind of stuff. Then again you should know after my half ass attempt at emails. Shit, can I curse in a love letter?

You’re asleep right next to me right now. You look like an angel, my angel. I can’t believe you’re my wife now. You turning me into a married man was the greatest honor I have ever had in my life. To be able to spend mine with you, it’s beyond anything I ever imagined for myself. You light up my world and make sense of all the chaos that is constantly around me when I’m gone. You are my reason for fighting, my something worth fighting for.

This is probably really stupid but when I’m gone I sleep with a picture of you. I carry it with me wherever I am and before I go to sleep I always look at you one last time. You ease my mind. I know that you are there at home, waiting for me, loving me, and worrying about me. I miss you every second of every day. I think of you, hope for you, and pray to the universe that you are okay without me.

I also need to say thank you for always standing by me, supporting me, having my six, and never judging what I do. I know it’s not easy to be with me sometimes. I can have a short fuse, much like you, and I get jealous when another guy so much as looks at you. But you stick with me and that shows what an amazingly patient woman you are, well can be. You know I mean that in the nicest way possible.

Baby, lastly I need you to know that if I die out there, I love you, always. I have loved you since the moment I laid eyes on you. I knew from that moment my life would be incomplete without you. You have given me everything that a man could ever ask for and I am eternally grateful for you and everything you are. You are my dream come true, my best friend, and the most important thing in my life. If for some reason I don’t make it back to you, I want you to move on, fall in love again, trust people, and know that I will always be with you. The best times of my life have all been spent with you. You are now and forever in my heart.

I love you, always,

Atlas

My hands were shaking, tears staining my face as I held the letter to my chest. I felt as if I couldn’t breathe. The thought of a life without Atlas was not one I wanted to be apart of. I always knew it was a possibility but reading it on paper, in his handwriting made it seem real.

“Ellie, are you okay in there?” Darcy hollered from the couch. I wasn’t sure I could say anything though. Not without giving away the fact that I was crying. “Ellie?” Darcy came into the kitchen, her eyes filled with concern. “What’s wrong, sweetie?” She took the letter, hugging me as she read over my shoulder.

“I can’t stand the thought of him not coming home. Reading it is just too much.” I sobbed into her shoulder.

“We can’t think like that. Our boys are coming home to us, I know they are.” She said with enough conviction that I could almost believe her.

“I know, it’s one thing for me to think it, it’s another thing to see it in his handwriting.”

“You know what, enough, put it away, let’s order food and watch
Channing Tatum
until we feel better.”

“I really don’t know what you see in him.”

“Nothing, that’s just it. It’s strictly vapid, shallow, adoration of all of his beautiful man parts.” Darcy smiled as she picked up the menus. “Go put it up and come help me decide what we’re getting way too much of.” She skipped back to the living room while I went and tucked the letter away into the bedside table.

“I miss you,” I whispered into the stillness. Our room still smelled like him, there were clothes on the floor he had worn, his pillow still had stray strands of dark hair where he slept last night. “So much.”

I shut the door, wiping my eyes one last time, and joined Darcy on the couch to wait out the last of this deployment.

❋❋❋

To:
Ellie Ryker

From:
Atlas Ryker

June 20, 2014

I’m here safe. I love you, always.

-Husband

To:
Atlas Ryker

From:
Ellie Ryker

June 21, 2014

Glad to hear you’re there safe. Not glad to hear you’re there because I’d rather you be here. I miss you so much it hurts. I’m glad this is the last one for now. I can’t wait to have you home. Even if I had to relive all the terrible things in my life I would just so I could meet you again, only I would have done it sooner so I could have more time with you. You are everything to me and worth every bit of heartache. I’m thinking of you every minute of every day. I can’t wait until you’re home. I know I already said that but really...

Until you are back in my arms, be careful, please. Watch your six. Stay safe. I love you, always.

              ~Ellie aka Wife

❋❋❋

“I can’t go anywhere, I’m sick, like really, really sick, Darc. Like I think I’m dying.” I sat the phone down throwing up into the toilet again. She had been asking to go to the beach for a few days now and this was my first full day off since the guys left again.

“Do you need me to come over and take care of you? You know I will.”

“Actually it would be fantastic if you would bring me- -” Pause, throw up. “Some Ginger Ale or Sprite or something.”

“You got it. One get better kit is on its way.”

“Thanks,” I muttered before sliding the phone across the tile bathroom floor and dry heaving again into the toilet. This was the last time I eat old Chinese food leftovers at two in the morning when Atlas called. It had been a little over a month since he left and the first time I was able to talk to him. He had emailed me once but to only say he was there and that he was okay. I was waiting for his next email to come at any time.

Leaning against the bathroom wall, my head in my hands I could feel the next wave of nausea crash over me. My husband was far away and here I was sick as could be on the bathroom floor. Missing him was just adding to my misery. I leaned over the toilet, dry heaving again.

This was completely awful.

I waited for Darcy in front of the toilet laying my head on the cool tile floor. Thankful that Adam had given her a key while he was home. I wasn’t sure I could have made it to the front door even if I wanted to. I was throwing up again or attempting to when I heard the front door open.

“It’s just me,” she called out from the living room. “Hope you are decent because I’m on my way in.” She paraded into the bedroom carrying a bag of things with her. “Oh you poor thing. What is wrong with you?”

“I think I have food poisoning. Apparently old Chinese food at two in the morning was a really bad idea.”

“Yeah, baby girl it usually is.” She grabbed a washcloth, wetting it and running it over my face. “You are a mess. Let’s get you to the couch and we can watch TV and see if you can keep down something to drink.”

“Okay,” I managed to answer her weakly as she helped me to my feet. My arm draped over her shoulders we slowly made it down the hallway where she dropped me onto the couch.

“I’ll get your phone and my magic bag and we’ll see what we can do.” She came back a few minutes later looking at me curiously. “Ellie, can I ask  you a question?”

“Mmm..” I moaned waving my hand.

“I’ll take that disgruntled noise as a no but I’m going to ask it anyway. When was your last period?”

“Not pregnant, food poisoning.”

“Are you sure?”

“Uhh... it was before-- Oh fuck.”

“Ellie, I don’t think you have food poisoning, I think you’re knocked up, sperminated, preggo eggo, having a baby child.” She rummaged through the bag. “Go take this when you have to pee.”

“Do you always carry a pregnancy test with you?”

“No bitch, I don’t, I bought it for you.” She plopped down on the couch, turning on the television. “Have you peed this morning?”

“No, I woke up, started throwing up and then you called and here we are.”

“Then go pee.”

“Fine,” I grumbled pulling myself up off the couch and snatching the test from her hand. “But don’t be shocked when it’s negative.”

“Why? Did he wrap his pole before he poked your hole?” She yelled over her shoulder as I slammed the bathroom door.

“Wrap his pole before he poked my hole? Seriously where does she think of this shit.” I said to myself as I peed on the little stick and sat it on the counter. I cleaned myself up, washing my hands, and face in the sink as I waited. A very clear plus sign was staring back at me when I looked at the stick. Digging out the instructions I looked to see what it meant.

“Pregnant,” I said the word out loud in shock. I wasn’t sure what was worse the fact that I was pregnant and Atlas was gone or the fact I had to go in the other room and tell Darcy that as usual, she was right. I tucked my tail and slowly walked back into the living room.

“Well?” She asked with an amused look on her face.

“I’m pregnant.”

“I knew it! I’m going to be an Aunt!” Darcy clapped, squealing.

“Now I just have to figure out how to tell Atlas.”

“We’ll think of something awesome I’m sure. You’re going to be a mommy!”

“I am,” a small smile formed slowly across my mouth. “Wow, Atlas and I are having a baby.” I put my hands on my stomach, rubbing it. “You are making me quite sick though. I don’t appreciate that part...” I laughed quietly looking over to Darcy. “A baby...”

“Oh my goodness I’m going to spoil the shit out of the two of you! Can I tell Adam? He’s going to be so excited.”

“As long as he doesn’t tell Atlas!” I blurted out. “I want to tell him.”

“Of course.” She pulled me over laying my head in her lap. “That is going to be one gorgeous child.

“He’s going to be over the moon. I saw the way he was with Reid, I can’t imagine how he’s going to be with one of our own.”

“How are you feeling about it?”

“Honestly? I’m scared, excited, nervous.” I closed my eyes, taking a drink of the Sprite Darcy had brought for me. “I’m afraid to turn out like my mother.”

“You will be nothing like Celeste.” She assured me. “You know exactly how not to be. You would never inflict that kind of pain on another human being.”

“That’s true. I have to tell my dad, my brothers...”

“Atlas,” Darcy interjected.

“I figured he was a given.”

“Oh yeah.” She stroked my hair as she stared mindlessly at the television. “How are you going to tell him?”

“I have no idea,” I sighed, “I want it to be something he’s going to be excited about.”

“He’ll be excited, don’t worry. Just don’t do it through email or anything. We have to make it a big deal. I’ll be here every step of the way.”

“I know you will, Aunt D.”

I rolled off the couch and hurried to the bathroom.

How long does morning sickness last? Ugh.

❋❋❋

To:
Ellie Ryker

From:
Atlas Ryker

July 20, 2014

Hey Princess. How are you feeling? Adam said Darcy told him you were sick. I hope it’s nothing too serious. That’s what you get for eating expired Chinese food. Go buy some real groceries. When you’re feeling better that is. I’m glad she’s there to take care of you though. Maybe you need to go to the doctor or something. Yes, I’m worrying about you. I know how you feel now, this sucks.

Things here aren’t too bad. Hot as hell but other than that it’s okay. Spending a lot of time waiting, watching, preparing, mundane shit that just wastes time until I can see you again. There has been talk of us getting to leave a few weeks earlier than originally said. It just depends on how this upcoming mission goes. Keep your fingers crossed.

I miss you, Ginger. I’m counting down the minutes until I’m home with you. I’m really liking the second house you sent me. Close to the beach, in our price range, I think it would be great for us. We could fix it up and have a nice little place. I’m not opposed to doing repairs or anything. Working with my hands would be good for me. Well working on something other than loving you with my hands... That was really lame. Anyway, go check out the house and send me some pictures.

Hoping I get to call soon, I miss hearing your voice. Hell I miss everything about you. But until then, I love you, always.

              -Atlas

To:
Atlas Ryker

From:
Ellie Ryker

July 21, 2014