Something Worth Fighting For (35 page)

             
-Atlas

❋❋❋

I closed my eyes and held my breath, giving a silent plea to the universe to keep my husband safe. That if I had any good karma left that it will be used for him. I would force myself to get up, get dressed, and do everything I needed to do like any other day. He was going to be doing his job and it was time I started doing mine to keep me sane.

The only difference was he was trained to do his and I had no idea where to start.

I didn’t watch the news, I didn’t wait by my phone, or constantly check my email. I got up, I ate breakfast, went for a walk, did laundry, cleaned, and prepared myself for how I would tell my father. Friday night Darcy picked up two six packs of beer for me to bring to my dad’s house Saturday. She said I was already showing and going into a liquor store wouldn’t be a good idea.

Saturday morning I did my normal morning routine, get sick, take a shower, get dressed, eat breakfast, and then I went to the grocery store. I picked up steaks, and things I would need to cook for dad and drove to his house. I parked behind his truck, my normal spot was occupied by two familiar cars in the driveway.

“Ellie is that you?” Dad called from the porch as I started pulling bags of food out of the back seat.

“Yeah daddy, want to come grab a couple of bags for me?” I watched as he shot a look over his shoulder and then took the stairs two at a time to come relieve me of my bags.

“I got ‘em baby go on upstairs.”

“Oh, okay, thanks.” I clutched my bag in my hand tightly and made my way up the stairs. “Carlis, Chad, hey guys, what are you doing here?”

“Hey Ellie.” Chad wouldn’t meet my eyes as he spoke and Carlis just gave me a tight lipped smile.

“Am I interrupting a boys day?” I laughed as I went into the kitchen and started unloading the bags.

“Ellie we need to talk to you.” Dad called to me from the living room and I instantly felt my heart drop.

“Don’t you dare tell me what I think you’re going to tell me.” I said calmly as I walked into the living room. I held both hands over my stomach as I sat down on the couch.

“Ellie there was an attack...” Dad’s mouth was moving but I never heard the rest of the explanation. I rocked back and forth, holding myself. I couldn’t hear, I couldn’t grasp what he was saying. He might as well have been speaking Chinese for all I cared. The roaring in my ears, my heartbeat raging out of control, I could feel myself starting to hyperventilate.

“Is he alive? Daddy is my husband still alive?” I asked gasping for breath.

“We don’t know yet, Ellie, we’re waiting for the call.” He sat down next to me taking my hand in his, holding it tightly.

“But he’s going to be a daddy...” I choked out the words as my father’s mouth fell open.

“He what?” He whispered, staring down at me.

“We’re pregnant.” I couldn’t stop the tears even if I wanted to. He pulled me over to him resting my head on his chest.

“Find out about Atlas Ryker, now.” It was no longer a question, it was an order.

“Yes, sir.” Chad nodded, pulling out his phone and went to work.

“You’re having a baby?” He asked, kissing the top of my head as I sobbed. I held two shaking fingers up to him unable to form the words. “Two babies? Twins?” I nodded as he hugged me tighter. “Oh Ellie,” he kissed my head again, holding me as we waited.

It had been hours and I couldn’t let go of my father. We were still sitting unmoving on the couch waiting for Chad to come back. I cried until I felt like I couldn’t cry anymore. My swollen eyes stared out at the beach that held so many of our memories.

“Just stop and think about it...”

“Atlas, shut up and kiss me already!”

My hand went to my lips remembering that very first kiss that had changed everything. Carlis sat a glass of water in front of me, nodding to it as Darcy ran into the house. “What do you know?” She yelled at the two men sitting next to me. “Are they?” She looked down at my tear streaked face. “Are they dead?”

“We don’t know yet, Darcy. We’re waiting for Chad to get back to let us know something.”

“Are you okay?” She wrapped her arms around me as I shook my head.

“I won’t be okay until I know.” My voice was soft.

“What about...?” She nodded.

“He knows.”

“Oh thank goodness.” She breathed out as she pushed herself between myself and Carlis.

“We’re all okay, I promise. I mean as physically okay as I can be. Should I call Andy?” I looked to my father who gave me a weak smile.

“If you want to. There’s really nothing you can tell her that will make her feel better right now.”

“Would you want to know? If it was Toby or Kelly would you want to know?” I pressed him trying to get a right or wrong answer.

“God Ellie, I have no idea. I would want to know but I’ve been there so I know what it’s like. I don’t have an answer for you, sweetie. If you feel like you need to call her and let her know, then call her. If not then don’t worry about her and worry about you, the babies, and most importantly Atlas. I would wait until we hear something significant though.” He rubbed my back as I sighed.

“I know, I just feel bad keeping it from her. I hope she won’t be mad at me.” I closed my eyes, holding my face in my hands. “I need him alive, I need him here. To be by my side, to raise our babies, to teach them how to ride a bike, shoot a gun, throw a ball, everything. I need my best friend. Please...” I broke down again, pleading with anyone and everyone to bring him back to me.

“Shhh, we know, Ellie. We’re doing everything we can to make sure of that.”

I had never experienced the kind of pain I was in then. The waiting was slowly killing me. Everything in my being ached. My heart, body, soul, and spirit all felt broken.

The sky was turning dark out as we all sat around not saying anything. The TV was off per my Dad’s orders and Darcy and I clung to our phones like it was the only thing that mattered. Dad forced us upstairs the later it got to try and sleep. Instead we laid and bed staring silently at the ceiling.

“What if they’re dead?” Darcy finally asked softly about two in the morning.

“I don’t know, Darc. I wish I did but I don’t. I can’t fathom having to bury my husband. It makes me physically ill to think about it.”

“I don’t even want to think about it.”

“I know. Everything hurts, I don’t think I can cry anymore even if I wanted to. I just need the phone to ring. I need to know. I don’t know if I can do it without him.” I was still talking without realizing Darcy had fallen asleep next to me.

Creeping out of the bed not to wake her I slipped downstairs and out to my car. Digging through the trunk I found one of Atlas’ jackets and wrapped myself in it. I needed anything that was a part of him for comfort. I sat on the bottom step, running my hands through my hair. I wanted to scream, kick, fight, anything to get rid of the build up of anxiety and despair that was building inside of me.

“Don’t you do this to me Atlas Ryker.” I said to no one but the stars. “I need you. We need you. Let me know, give me a sign, something.”

“Ellie?” My dad’s voice shook me from my pleas.

“Yeah, I’m down here.” I answered after a moment longer to myself.

“Baby it’s three in the morning what are you doing up?”

“I can’t sleep. I can’t sleep without knowing something.” I admitted, leaning against the railing. “I tried and once Darcy was asleep I slipped down here.

“Do you want me to fix you something to eat? You need to feed those babies.”

“Yesterday morning my biggest worry was whether or not you were going to be upset that I was pregnant. I was worried shitless because I was afraid you were going to be mad. It seems stupid now, everything does. I don’t know how I could have been so worried about that when I should have been worrying about whether or not Atlas was safe.”

“You honestly thought I was going to be upset?” He sat down on the stairs next to me, draping his arm over my shoulder.

“Yeah, I mean it’s pretty quick. We didn’t exactly plan it this way and then finding out there’s not one but two babies, that’s a big deal.”

“Ellie Belle you should know better than that. I mean it’s not ideal, you’re both young, but you’re married. Atlas adores you and you will be an amazing mother. I really couldn’t ask for more than that. I get to be a grandfather finally and it’s not by Tobias making a mistake.”

“Dad, Toby isn’t going to be the one, Keller will be.”

“I know Tobias is gay, Ellie.”

“What?!” I laughed for the first time in nearly twenty four hours. “How did you know?”

“I’ve known since he was six.” Dad chuckled, rubbing my arm. “He wanted dolls more than anything and I caught him more than once with male magazines under his bed. I just never said anything hoping that one day he would come talk to me.”

“You’ve got to tell him you know. He has an amazing boyfriend, Jacob, that he’s been keeping from us because he’s scared you’re going to disown him or something.”

“Seriously?”

“Yes! He only told Keller and I a couple of years ago and is way guarded around you.”

“I guess I’ll have to talk to him about that.”

“He’s an aerospace engineer, they have an apartment together, and a puppy named Marshall.” I smiled up at my father who was nodding with a crooked grin himself.

“I’ll have to make an effort to meet him. Once I tell Tobias that I know and always have and apologize for years of making him feel like he’s inadequate. Wow, I really screwed that up, Belle.”

“You did not screw it up, dad. You were waiting on him and most of the time that’s the best thing to do. I realize now that everyone deserves to be happy. No matter who it’s with and whatever it takes to be together.” I held Atlas’ tags in my hand as I closed my eyes.

“He should know something soon. I know the waiting is the hard part. When you were in the hospital after the attack...” He let go of a breath that I didn’t realize he was holding. “It was the longest, worst day of my life. I had been in war over and over again but waiting in that dingy hospital room, waiting to see if you were going to be okay, going to survive... That was the hardest day of of my life.” His green eyes stared out at the sun trying it’s best to come up over the ocean. “I know what it’s like to be afraid.”

“I’m scared he won’t come home.”

“Just be positive, Ellie. Even if you’re afraid you have to hope for the best. You have to keep telling yourself that he’s going to be okay. Come on, let me make you some breakfast. You have to feed my grandchildren.”

I followed him upstairs where he attempted to cook bacon and eggs. It was a feeble attempt but he tried hard. I made a valiant effort to eat them before we both tossed them into the sink. “So I’m not a chef.”

“It’s okay, I think I can manage to go get us something. I need to pick up my medicine and everything from the apartment. It’s okay if I stay here right?”

“You know it is. I’ll call you if I hear anything before you get back.”

“Thanks, Dad.” I kissed his cheek as I left. Phone in the seat next to me I turned up the radio and tried to focus on something other than my worry. The ten minute drive to the apartment was nothing but walking in and the smell of him overwhelmed me. I blindly walked through the apartment gathering things I wanted or needed. Things of Atlas’ that I wanted close, my phone charger, laptop, medicine, and his book of phone numbers he had made me before he left. 

“Just in case.” Atlas said laying the book on the desk.

“In case of what?” I was sitting on the bed, holding a pillow in my lap.

“Something happens and...”

“Don’t even say it. Only happy thoughts.”

“I’m just being realistic, Ginger. You need to have these numbers in case something happens to me and I die over there or wounded or anything.” He sat on the edge of the bed pulling my feet into his lap. “I’m not saying it’s going to happen but it’s always a possibility, you know that.”

“I do.”

“We’ve already said the I do’s, can we go back to sealing the deal now?” He grinned as he pushed my legs apart and climbed over top of me making me forget anything about the conversation we were having.

I shook my head, the memory was so real to me that it could have just taken place. I would give anything to have him back like that. I was hoping that I would know. That maybe I would feel it down in my soul if he died. That part of me would die too, a light would go out or something. I was stuck in purgatory which made that theory even worse.

Closing the bedroom door, I grabbed a bottle of water from the fridge and left the apartment. I wouldn’t come back here until I knew something one way or another. I hurried down the stairs with my things, throwing them in the trunk of my car. I wanted to get as far away as I could as fast as I could. Stopping in town I picked up something for breakfast and headed back to my dad’s.