Something Worth Fighting For (37 page)

❋❋❋

To:
Ellie Ryker

From:
Atlas Ryker

August 18, 2014

Hey baby. I have good news and bad news. First the bad news. Adam isn’t coming home the same time I am. Which given his condition isn’t a shock really. But I didn’t want to have to be the bearer of more bad news for Darcy. Even when they do move him he will be at the hospital for some time. He’ll have to go through therapy and get prosthetics and well, I’m not sure Adam will ever quite be Adam again. He’s angry, really angry. At the world, at me for saving him, at himself for not being fast enough. He’s going to need a lot of therapy and patience from Darcy. Although when he does get to hear from her it seems to brighten his mood significantly. I think he’s afraid that she isn’t going to want to be with him anymore or something. I’ve told him several times that is ridiculous but he just doesn’t want to listen. Maybe she should tell him that? I don’t know I’m just thinking out loud except not really out loud. That really didn’t make sense did it? 

The good news is I’m coming home! We’re leaving tomorrow and I should be there late Sunday or early Monday morning. Can you call Ma and let her know? I talked to her once but I haven’t had a chance to call her again. I’m going to try and call you here in a bit. It’s hard to get reception sometimes.

So I’m going to wrap this up and try and call you and you’re probably reading this while I’m talking to you or something. Either way I’ll talk to you soon. I love you, always.

              -Atlas

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“God I sound like an idiot in my emails, why didn’t you tell me?” Atlas laughed as I read the email out loud to him.

“You do not! I love your emails, thank you very much.” I bit my lip as I rubbed my belly. “God I’m starving.”

“What would you like?”

“Hmm... Cheetos with ranch dressing.”

“That’s... Actually that sounds pretty damn good.”

“I know, right?” I giggled, lying back in our bed. “You can get me some when you get home.”

“I bet you look cute right now. In your pink dress, laying down in the bed, baby bump sticking up. Your ankles are probably crossed, you were chewing on your fingernails but all of a sudden you stopped...”

I sat my phone down looking around the room when I heard him chuckle from the doorway. “Are you kidding me?!”

“Damn you look beautiful, Ginger.” Atlas’ bag fell to the floor as he walked over to me.

“I thought you weren’t coming in for a couple of more days!” I swung my legs over the side of the bed and jumped on him. I was trying to focus my breathing so I wouldn’t start crying all over him.

“I wanted to surprise you. Ma came in early and picked me up at the airport. I had a damn earful on the way here.” He placed his hand over my small bump. “Wow...” He dropped to one knee, pressing his face against the soft material of my dress. “Yeah? You don’t say? Really? Hmm...” He kissed my stomach softly before grinning up at me.

“What did they say, daddy?”

“That you have been taking excellent care of them.”

“Well that’s good to know.” I laughed as he stood back up, staring down at me.

“I just wasn’t aware that you could look any more beautiful than you already did. But you do, you never stop surprising me, Ellie.” Atlas hand cupped the side of my face as he lowered his mouth to mine. It was as it always had been. The world stops spinning, I lose focus of time and space, and my entire being feels whole again.

“I missed you so much. I was so afraid I would never get to do that again.” I ran my nose the length of his as he gave me a small smile.

“I was too, baby, but I’m home now.”

“Atlas, was she here?” Andy’s voice caused me to jump as he chuckled.

“Yeah, Ma just getting reacquainted with my girl. There is something we need to tell you. Actually you’re going to see for yourself.” Atlas tugged on my hand and I followed behind him down the hallway.

“What are you two keeping from me?” She laughed as we came into view.

“We’re pregnant.” Atlas announced, beaming.

“You’re what?!” Andy’s mouth fell open as Atlas stepped aside, draping his arm across my shoulders. “How far along are you?!”

“Not very, twelve weeks, give or take.” I answered.

“But you’re already showing!”

“Twins,” Atlas nodded, “Super sperm.”

“Atlas!” I nudged him, blushing.

“Twins? You’re having twins? Oh my gosh! How could you two keep this from me? I’m going to beat you both!” Andy waved her hands in front of her face as if to fend off tears. “Twins, I’m going to be a grandma.”

“Yes ma’am. I have sonogram pictures on the fridge. They just look like little jelly beans right now but they’re definitely there.” Atlas’ hand was protectively over my stomach as he kissed the top of my head.

“I love you, Ellie.” He whispered as Andy walked past us to the kitchen, steadily wiping at her eyes. “I love you so much.” His hand was moving circles over my stomach as I leaned into him. “I love these two also.”

“Good because I’m kind of a package deal now.”

Atlas laughed, really laughed and and for a moment everything was right in our world. There was not two dead friends and two in a hospital in Germany. There were no gunshot wounds and scars on him. There wasn’t a bad nights sleep from a flashback. There wasn’t even a war going on across the world. No, there was only a shining moment of content, happiness. In that moment there was a new sense of hope for better things to come for us.

The days were fast and the nights were long. Atlas would wake up screaming in the middle of the night more often than not. It hadn’t been a week since he had come home and he was pacing, itching to get back to work. “You have at least one more week, you might as well chill out.” I teased from the couch.

“I don’t like being cooped up.” He ran his hands over his head, as he fell down next to me.

“Come here, big guy.” I pulled him down, letting him rest his head in my lap. “You need to take five minutes and breathe, Atlas. We’ll go out later, we’ll go to the beach, go look at the house we talked about, we’ll do whatever you want. But it’s eight in the morning and all I want is breakfast.”

“I’m not letting you sleep. Shit, I’m an asshole.” He turned his head, pressing his face into my belly. “You go lay back down I’ll go for a run or something.”

“No, it’s fine, really.”

“Ellie, I’m not stupid. I know I’m having dreams. I’ve been having them since I got to Germany. Of course I’m keeping you awake.”

“Seems like fair payback for all the nights I called you.”

“But you weren’t pregnant then.”

“Yes, I’m pregnant but that doesn’t mean that I can’t--”

“That’s exactly what it means.” Atlas kissed my stomach, standing up, and scooping me up off the couch.

“Not much longer and you won’t be able to pick me up.”

“Yeah right,” he smirked, carrying me into the bedroom. “You would have to gain a lot of weight for me not to be able to pick you up. Seeing as you lost weight to begin with and are just now gaining it back, I don’t think you have anything to worry about.” He laid me down, pulling the covers up over me. “Get some sleep, I’ll wake you up in a few hours and feed you.”

“Yes, sir.” I smiled sleepily up at him. “What are you going to do?”

“I’m going to go run.” I watched him strip out of his jeans and into a pair of sweats.

“I might like to watch that more...”

“Behave yourself, Mrs. Ryker.”

“I don’t have to.” I stuck my tongue out at him.

“Look where misbehaving got you.” He winked over his shoulder as he tossed a plain white shirt over his head.

“Yeah but that just gives me liberty to be a bad girl because it’s not like you can knock me up or anything.”

“That’s a good point.” He jumped over the end of the bed, landing next to me. “I’ve missed getting to do this.” He pulled me closer, nuzzling his scruffy face against my shoulder. “I missed your wild morning hair, your sleepy smile, those eyes that stare straight through me like you can see all of my secrets.” His hand was running over the mat of red curls thrown up in a messy bun on top of my head. “I was afraid I’d never get to to do this again.”

“You can talk to me about this, Atlas. I want you to talk to me about this. Tell me what’s going on in that head of yours.”

“I don’t want you to hear about things like that, Ginger.”

“I’m strong enough to hear things like that, I promise.”

“I’m not sure if I’m strong enough to talk about it.”

I turned on my side in his arms, facing him. “You are the strongest person I know. But baby, it will eat you alive. You don’t have to put up the front with me. I know you better than that. I’ve seen you break down. You’ve held me up at my weakest and now it’s my turn. Give me that chance.”

“I saw this car coming at us and I knew something wasn’t right. I guess it was just a gut feeling or something. But then the window started to roll down. Ackart was driving and he went to speed up to go by them. I guess he sensed it too or whatever. It all happened so fast but it plays in slow motion in my head.” He took a ragged breath, hand moving slow circles over my belly. “I didn’t really think I just reacted. When I saw the launcher come out the window I opened the door and jumped to take cover. Adam saw me open the door and was barreling out right behind me. Ackart really didn’t stand a chance. All I could think about was you, I had to get out and get to safety so I could come home to you and the babies. I couldn’t leave Adam.”

“You’re doing awesome, babe.” I kissed his forehead encouraging him on.

“When I sleep that’s what I see. I see the car blowing up, I see pieces of Montes and Ackart, I see Adam laying there screaming. Just this primal, animalistic, gut wrenching scream. There was a piece of the vehicle, the door I think, laying on his legs. They were so mangled, like they had been put into a meat grinder.” He shuddered. “I couldn’t leave him there. I couldn’t just run away and know he was going to die right there. He’s my six.” He choked out the words burying his face into my shoulder. “I got as low as I could and waited until I saw the car speed away. Then I pushed the debris off of his legs. He screamed, he begged me just to let him die there but I couldn’t. I knew I wouldn’t be able to live with myself if I did.”

“It’s okay, Atlas, you’re here with me.” I rubbed his back, kissing the top of his head as I felt his warm tears hit my skin. “Can I tell you that I begged and pleaded with everything that I have that you were okay? I couldn’t have done this without you.”

“Do what?”

“Life,” I replied as if it was the simplest explanation in the world. “Without you, I couldn’t...” I shook my head. “I don’t even want to think about it. I was so afraid you wouldn’t be here to teach them how to ride a bike, or shoot a gun, or tie their shoes. I was afraid you would miss their first steps, words, take their first breath... A life without you just isn’t worth it.”

“But I am here, baby.”

“That’s what I’m saying. You’re here and you need to be here. It will take time but you have to realize that you’re no longer there.”

“I get what you’re saying. It makes sense and right now that is easier said than done. I’ve been able to let go of everything I’ve seen every other time it was right there in front of my face but this was different. It was personal.”

“That’s just the thing, Atlas, it wasn’t personal. It was an attack against your uniform, your country, not because they knew who you or any of the other guys are. It’s personal for you because they were your friends. All of you knew going into this that you could possibly die out there. You all knew that and were willing to sacrifice your lives for it, and they did.”

“Why do you have to be so much smarter than me?” He chuckled quietly. “You see this all so clearly, make it sound so much better than how it is in my head. My mind is muddled by my own disdain.”

“You’ll get better. I mean, you were only completely Deaf for a day and the ringing has subsided...”

“You know that’s not what I meant, you sassy shit.” He grabbed just above my hip bones giving them a squeeze as I giggled.

“I know but it does kind of fit. Not everything will go away or come back that quickly. We both have to give it time and be patient. I know how long it takes for a mind to heal. Just don’t forget that you’re here.”

“Do you think it would be awkward if I talked to your dad? I mean Ben has been doing this for a hell of alot longer than me. I just need some words of wisdom from someone that has lived it, I guess. Not that you aren’t great to talk to but--”

“I’m sure dad would be happy to talk to you, Atlas. We could go see him if you like.” I cut him off while he fumbled over his words.

“I think it would be good for me.”

“Then let’s go.”