“
I swear, but....”
“
Go home,” Jaime said over his shoulder as he walked off, leaving Seve hurt and bereft and even more sure that their love was ashes.
~~~~~~~~
Gods, what had Seve done? Jaime began to run as he got to the market square, imagining an angry Seve with his great height and physique, confronting Nikolas—never one to deal well with violence—and wondering if he would find his friend bloodied or dead. His heart raced sickeningly at the idea, and now he wished he’d set his scruples aside and gone to Nikolas as he’d wanted to, if Seve was going to play the jealous fool and attack him anyway. His own weariness and worries were, for now, buried under intense fear over what he would discover at Jaap Ekinze’s house.
He opened the shop’s door with a little more force than was necessary and found Nikolas’ father glaring back at him. “You—get out. I’ll not have you or your fine friend hurting him again.”
“
I’ve come to help Nikolas, not hurt him,” Jaime said, backing up a little as Jaap came towards him, carrying a rather large iron file in a menacing manner. “I know Seve was here—what happened?”
“
What
happened
?” Jaap sounded as if he wanted to spit. “Your
friend
came in here, threatened my son, and left him on the ground like a dog.”
Jaime’s mouth went dry at the image the man evoked with his words. “Seve hit him?”
“
He didn’t need to,” Jaap ground out. He stomped past Jaime and locked the shop door. “Come with me—don’t speak a word out of turn or I swear by the gods I’ll kill you.”
Jaime followed him out to the workshop, and then into the yard. “Be quiet,” Jaap said, and indicated he should look in the window of a small store shed. Puzzled, Jaime stood on toetips to see, but at first, he couldn’t make it out. But then....
He stepped down and looked at Nikolas’ father, who grimaced. “He used to go out, get drunk. My oldest son and me, we’d go find him, drag him home. Finally I said, you want to drink, drink here—at least I know you’re safe. So he gets the bottle, hides here.”
“
Why? What sets him off?”
“
Different things—the first time, it was just a customer getting a bit hot with me. He just began to shake and ran out—Piet went looking and found him passed out in the street. A couple of times, I’ve no idea—he just came to me and asked for the bottle I keep for him and went off with it. Never used to drink like that, my boy. Niko’s a good lad, needs to settle down, but he always respected himself. Now...he can’t work, not really. His hands shake too much, even when the pain in them lets him try the fine work. I let him tend the shop but he’s no use to me there really. I’ll never turn him away, but it’s no way to live. He needs a new profession, but in this state, who would take him?”
So this was what he’d sensed that night with Nikolas. “Please let me speak to him? I won’t hurt him—I want to help.”
“
You! You’re one of the things that set him off. After that stupid arse and you came to the shop and yelled at him, he got drunk for two days. I was glad you didn’t come back—but it doesn’t say much for you, does it? What did you bastards do to my boy?”
“
More than a man should bear,” Jaime said, ashamed. “Please...let me go...I owe him my life, my freedom. I want to try.”
Jaap gave him a long, assessing look, taking his time, while Jaime tried to show his sincerity in his expression and his eyes. Finally, the man gave him a curt nod. “All right—but if you hurt him again, I
will
kill you. I don’t care what they do to me—you don’t hurt my boy twice.”
I already did that
, Jaime thought guiltily, then slipped past Jaap and opened the shed door. It was mostly a store for firewood, but there was metal stacked in bars, leather and metal tools stored neatly on nails on the wall. And there, on the ground, his back to a crate, sat Nikolas, his knees drawn up to his chest, one hand wrapped around a bottle of spirit, his eyes gazing into nothingness and his body visibly trembling. He didn’t even look up as Jaime came into the shed, and knelt at his side. “Nikolas?”
Nikolas didn’t answer, just took another swig from the bottle, which still held most of its contents—he didn’t seem to be setting out to get drunk. It was more as if the alcohol was soothing him, and he was drinking just enough to distract him from his thoughts.
“
Nikolas, I saw Seve. I’m sorry he upset you.”
That made Nikolas turn and grin lopsidedly. “S’all right, Jaime. He’s sad inside.”
“
Are you sad inside, my friend?” Jaime asked gently, raising a careful hand to lay his fingers against the back of Nikolas’ cheek.
“
I’m fine. I...just....” His mouth tightened convulsively. “Hurt,” he whispered.
Jaime’s heart contracted, and without even thinking, he reached out and put his arms around Nikolas, pulled him close and let him rest against him. “I’m sorry, Nikolas,” he murmured. “I didn’t know...we’ve been selfish, blind....”
“
I’m a fool.”
“
No, you’re not. You’re a brave man, Nikolas, and I’ve been a poor friend. Will you let me help you?”
“
You can’t.” Nikolas grinned again, but it was an empty smile. “Go home, Jaime. Seve needs you. He came today because he was so frightened of losing you. I didn’t get a chance to tell him that will never happen.”
Won’t it?
“I can’t help Seve. He won’t let me. All we do is hurt one another, and I’m so tired, Nikolas.”
“
Always tired,” Nikolas murmured, lifting a hand to pat Jaime’s cheek.
Jaime caught Nikolas’ hand, and examined it. “Have they healed?”
He shrugged. “Mostly. They’re not getting worse.”
The healer had said Nikolas would need massages to help the bones knit and the abused muscles and tendons to repair, and Jaime realised that since he and Seve had abandoned him in Egin, and had had no real contact with him in Hamer, no one would have given him the treatment that he needed. He had come close to losing his hands and feet, all for Seve and Jaime, and this was how he’d been repaid. “Let me help you, Nikolas,” he said urgently. “I want you to come home with me.”
Nikolas’ head snapped up, and there was no trace of intoxication in his look. “I can’t. Seve....”
“
Seve will allow it or I’ll leave,” Jaime said. “I won’t build a new life on the ashes of my friends, and I won’t stand by and have you suffer because of us.”
“
Can’t.... Go home, Jaime.”
“
Not until I can bring you with me.”
“
Stubborn li’l shit,” Nikolas mumbled, nestling closer to him. “Miss you.”
“
I miss you. Very much indeed.” He rested his cheek against Nikolas’ short hair and wondered how he could make this all work. He had to get Nikolas out of this situation where he was a deadweight, but he had to have Seve’s agreement—and on the present evidence, that was never going to happen. For now, all he could do was hold his friend, and hope that Nikolas got a little comfort from that.
He gently eased the bottle from Nikolas’ grip, setting it aside. How much pain was he in to need this stuff, Jaime wondered, sniffing at the top and reeling back from the raw smell. No one could possibly drink it for the taste.
The door of the shed opened slowly, and Jaap looked around it. He grunted as he saw the position his son was in. “Your friend’s outside.”
Jaime looked at Nikolas, and drew breath to say he wasn’t going to leave him, but then to his surprise, Jaap knelt. “Give Niko to me,” he said with more gentleness than Jaime had ever heard him use.
“
Father, I’m fine,” Nikolas mumbled.
“
Sure you are. But I think I’ll just sit here a bit, if you don’t mind.”
Nikolas’ fuddled look held no refusal. Jaime slid out and Jaap settled in behind him, cradling his son as if he was still a child. “I’ll be back,” Jaime promised. Jaap’s expression spoke of his frank scepticism, but Jaime vowed to prove him wrong.
Seve was standing in the yard, shifting uncomfortably from foot to foot as if he was expecting a reprimand—he was all muffled up in his scarf again. “I told you to go home,” Jaime said.
Seve’s head came up. “When did you become the one to tell me what to do, Jaime? When did I only matter if I obeyed you?”
His tone was mild, which allowed Jaime to reply in like kind. “You don’t, but right now there’s someone who needs me more than you do. I can’t help you if you won’t let me—and Nikolas has no one to help. We’ve treated him shamefully, Seve. Both of us,” he said, deliberately not absolving himself from responsibility for Nikolas’ present condition.
He was relieved to see Seve not becoming defensive again. “I didn’t mean to hurt him like that,” he said meekly. “I just...I don’t want to lose you, Jaime. All I could think was that he was stealing you from me.”
“
No one could steal me from you. You can drive me away though. Lately, it feels like you want me to go.”
Seve shook his head wildly, coming closer to Jaime, reaching for him, before letting his hands fall helplessly. “If you left, I’d die,” he whispered. “I’m so scared all the time that you won’t come home. And when you didn’t come back....”
Jaime closed the gap, and for once, Seve didn’t flinch as Jaime put his arms around him, and coaxed his lover’s head onto his shoulder. “I was going to come home, I swear. Seve, I love you. I’ve always loved you, I always will. But it’s not just us who suffered, and if you force me to abandon Nikolas, it’ll eat at us and what we have. We owe him, and he’s my friend. He’d be yours, if you’d let him.”
“
He’s in love with you,” Seve said roughly.
“
Yes, I know. That doesn’t change the fact I’m in love with
you
and always have been.” He made his lover look at him. “We survived the temple,” he said. “We can survive this. But the future can’t be based on injustice.” He waved his hand at the shed. “Nikolas is drinking himself into a stupor, trying to cope with his memories. I did that to him, Seve. I chose him, I exploited him, and I let him put himself in danger to help free you. I can’t walk away. Can’t you see that?”
“
I don’t know what to do. What do you want me to do?”
“
I want Nikolas to come back with us. I want to help him—I want
you
to help him too, Seve.” He entwined his fingers with Seve’s. “Nikolas only ever wanted to bring us together, and I want us to work together to help him. All we do now is pull apart. On this, can we not be united?” He pulled Seve’s head down and kissed him gently. “Nikolas can’t work, Seve. His hands are too crippled, his nerves are shot. He didn’t walk out unharmed any more than we did. Maybe if we can learn how to help him, we can learn how to help each other?”
Seve laid his forehead against Jaime’s. “You were always the strong one,” he whispered. “If this is what you want, and you believe we can help, then we must. But I won’t let you go without a fight, Jai. At least let me fight for you.”
“
Seve love, fight for me all you want. Just don’t fight
against
me because I’ve no defence against my own heart.” He touched Seve’s face. “Don’t cry, Seve. There is nothing I can’t forgive or put aside, nothing I won’t do to make you happy. You couldn’t be part of me more if you were inside my own skin.”
Seve laughed, choking back his tears. “Never fit, runt,” he said, running his fingers through Jaime’s hair. Jaime thrilled at the touch and the old nickname. “Let’s go get him.”
“
Wait—Seve, will you promise me you won’t be jealous of what I might have to do or say to help him?”
Seve stilled, then swallowed. “You really won’t leave me?”
“
Never. Never ever.”
“
Then I trust you, Jai.”
The words were hard, Jaime knew, and to maintain the truth in them would be harder. But all his instincts told him this was how it had to be. They couldn’t heal themselves if they let another be destroyed for their safety. This had been part of the rottenness at the core of their recovery. Put it right, he felt, and they had a hope of saving their relationship. Ignore it, and they had none.
~~~~~~~~
Seve followed his lover back to the shed, and stood at the door. Inside, Nikolas was sitting on the ground, picking at a loose thread on his shirt, looking like a child waiting for a reprimand.
It was odd—Seve had built this man up into this rival, this confident, cheerful person who was never upset, never at a loss for a quip or a joke, but now Nikolas looked so young, so frail and worn. Seve hadn’t noticed that when he’d come to the shop earlier in the day. All he could think about was Jaime, and Nikolas, hiding behind cheerfulness, had seemed as normal and handsome and happy as ever.