All an act, an illusion, one Seve had shattered with violence and anger. He
would
repair this. He would let Jaime have his will. Perhaps if he could exorcise his jealousy towards this damaged soul, the festering anger and hurt that had blighted things between him and Jaime would be exorcised too.
Jaime was speaking in a low whisper to Jaap, who’d drawn them both back over by the door. Jaap was glaring at Jaime fiercely, directing angry looks occasionally at Seve. It seemed Nikolas’ father didn’t trust them not to hurt his son again. As Seve approached, Jaap jerked his head sharply. “Outside.”
Back in the yard, Nikolas’ father put his hands on his hips. “You both should go. We don’t need you—and especially not
you
,” he said, looking at Seve.
“
Please, sir, I’m sorry for what I did, what I said. We want to help.”
“
And where were you when he needed you before? When he came home in pain from that cursed land? When he took to the drugs and the alcohol and the women to ease it? Aren’t you the reason he can’t bear a strange man to be near him, why he can only suffer the touch of women now? Why should I let you have another try at breaking my boy?”
“
Sir,” Jaime said. “If you’ll let us take him to our home for a few days to talk about all that troubles him, the things we shared that have led to this, I feel it’ll help. If you have a better solution than this,” he said, waving his hand at the shed, “then tell us. But I owe him too much to walk away.”
“
Damn Gidinians. I curse you all and your filthy gods. My boy was proud and perfect, and you broke him!”
“
Father.” The quietly spoken word made Jaap’s head snap around—they all looked at Nikolas leaning tiredly against the door frame. “Please—Seve and Jaime have been through a lot themselves. Neither of
them
hurt me.”
Jaime slipped past Jaap and went to his friend. “We did. We left you alone, Nikolas. I’m sorry.”
Nikolas dismissed the apology with a wave of his hand, but his gaze drifted over to Seve. “I meant no harm, Seve.”
“
I know.” Seve came closer, unsure of his welcome. “Jai...Jaime wants....
I
want...you to come back with us.”
Nikolas looked as surprised as Seve was himself at coming out with this. “Why?”
“
Because...I think....” Seve stopped. He knew instinctively Jaime was right, but he was having trouble putting it into words. “It...feels like you should. We...need...you need....” He looked at Jaime for help, but his lover was letting him fight this one on his own. “Nikolas—none of us are fixing it now. We need each other.”
“
Yes, we do,” Jaime said quietly, a look of approval in his eyes which filled Seve with an absurd sense of warmth. “Nikolas—I don’t think this can ever be finished, unless we do it together.”
Nikolas cocked his head. Behind them, his father was a silent, disapproving mass of humanity. “But I can’t do anything,” he murmured. “I’m no good for anything anymore.”
“
You
are
,” Jaime said, sounding almost desperate. “Seve, tell him. Nikolas, please...you’re not useless. We need you.
I
need you,” he said. Seve’s heart twisted a little in jealousy—he had to clench his fists to fight down his instinctive reaction, but he managed to keep a concerned, polite expression on his face to lend weight to Jaime’s words.
They had the effect Jaime wanted. “You need me? My help? Both of you?”
“
Yes,” Seve said, although he was less sure now. “Please—come with us? Just for a while?”
“
Father, do you mind?”
Jaap harrumphed, sounding less than delighted. “It’s not my feelings you need to consider, Niko. They may not mean you harm, but I can’t see how they can do you any good. The last thing you need is more trouble.”
“
They’re my friends, Father. Not trouble.” He pushed himself away from the door frame. “All right, I’ll go with you.”
Jaap harrumphed again, and then stalked off. Nikolas gave them a sickly grin. “I’ll get my things. Come into the house.”
It was only a small place—quite cramped, Seve thought, though most places seemed to be after the temple—but everything was neat and orderly and well-cared for. Here and there were touches of ornamentation that spoke of a woman’s hand—Nikolas’ dead mother perhaps, Seve thought. He had no memory of his own, so didn’t miss her. But Nikolas missed his mother, Jaime had said. Would she have known how to help her son? Would anyone? Did they? “We’re going to make it worse,” he muttered under his breath as they waited for Nikolas to get his pack.
“
No, we’re not,” Jaime said. “Because now he knows he’s not alone. It makes all the difference in the world, Seve.” He gave Seve one of his beautiful smiles, the kind that had won Seve’s heart from almost the moment he’d met the solemn, wide-eyed boy at the temple.
Seve pulled him close, and kissed his forehead—Jaime seemed to melt against him, and for a few moments, it was if they had never been estranged. “I would give anything never to be alone again, Jai. But people.... It’s hard,” he whispered.
“
I know. We can do this, Seve. I know we can.”
Always the strong one, Seve thought. There were steps on the stairs, and then Nikolas was back in the room, looking uncertain. “Are you sure...?” he asked.
“
Yes,” Jaime said firmly. “Nikolas, I really need you to come with us. We both do.” His lover was manipulating his friend shamelessly, even though it was for the purest motives, and Seve realised with a little stutter of his heart, that this was something Jaime had learned to do during their long imprisonment. Another change that he wished had not been necessary.
Jaap brought a little pony cart to the front of the shop, and scowled fiercely as the three of them got on board—he clearly didn’t think his son was doing the right thing. The short journey along the road from the city out into the surrounding farmland, was conducted in complete silence. Nikolas seemed uneasy and nervous, and Jaime was lost in his own thoughts. Not the best start, Seve thought, repressing a sigh, but at least they were all together.
Once they arrived at the house and disembarked, Jaap stood looking at his son for several moments. “Niko? You could come back with me. I don’t think you should stay with them.”
But Nikolas only placed a hand on his father’s shoulder. “I’ll be fine, Father. I’ll come back if I need to.”
Jaap shook his head, and then turned to Jaime. “I’m coming back in four days. If there’s a hair on his head out of place, I’ll beat you to death.”
“
Father!”
“
It’s all right, Nikolas. Yes, sir, I understand.”
“
You better.” Jaap looked as if he wanted to say something else, but he only pulled Nikolas into a quick, almost embarrassed hug, gave Seve and Jaime one last glare, and then mounted the cart. He whipped up the ponies and drove off, disapproval obvious in every line of his broad back as it disappeared down the lane.
Nikolas gave Jaime a brief smile. “He worries.”
“
He loves you. I honour him for that.”
Seve came closer. “Come in, Nikolas. There’s food already prepared.”
“
You were expecting me?”
“
Uh, not exactly. Come inside.”
~~~~~~~~
Never had Seve been so conscious of the fact the house was old and rather ramshackle, although there was rather more space than in most. Nikolas looked around him curiously. “What a nice house—have you done this, Seve?”
“
Some of it. It needs a lot of work doing. It’s been neglected for a long time, apparently.”
“
I think it feels like a home. It must be good after....” He bit his lip. “Well, you never had a real home before, did you?”
“
No.” Seve was surprised at Nikolas’ reaction—the atmosphere in the house had been so tense for so long, he’d assumed that would infect the fabric of the building itself. But Nikolas wasn’t feeling any of that, or so it seemed. Seve looked at their home, trying to see it with an objective eye—yes, he supposed there were signs of care and love in the carefully polished wooden floors and walls, and the small garden at the front of the house. “We haven’t opened up all the rooms properly. Jaime? Where will Nikolas sleep?”
“
Uh.” As Seve suspected, Jaime hadn’t thought that far ahead. “The sitting room? A bedroll? “
“
Hmmm. For now. We’ll need to clean out a room for you.” So long as he concentrated on the practical, he could ignore the danger of this situation. Nikolas needed a place to sleep. No need to think about where—and with whom—he’d been sleeping lately.
“
Don’t go to any trouble,” Nikolas murmured. There wasn’t anything Seve could say to that, so he ignored it, and led them into the kitchen.
It seemed to Seve that their guest relaxed minutely, and he remembered what Jaime had said about Nikolas liking to cook. “Er, I had some ideas, I’m not that good at reviving cooked food.” He ignored Jaime’s look of surprise. “Nikolas, do you have any ideas about such things?”
“
I could have a go.” Nikolas looked as puzzled as Jaime, but was obviously trying to be polite.
“
Then let’s make supper. Jaime, go set up the sitting room, and lay a fire ready for later.”
Jaime looked ready to argue, but Seve shook his head, and his lover got the hint. “Fine, I’ll leave you to it. Nikolas, your pack?”
There was an uncomfortable silence as Jaime left the room. “Um...I don’t know what ingredients you have,” Nikolas said politely.
“
Vegetables, hard cheese, fresh herbs....” Seve busied himself pulling out the stored cold cooked food and pointed out what they had to hand.
“
Well, maybe grated root vegetables and cheese over the top of this? With chopped herbs?”
“
Sounds good. Here, you can clean the tubers.” He shoved a pot of the vegetables and a knife across the table. “I’ll get the fire going—it’s gone out, damn it.”
It was harder than it should have been to get the stove lit, and took quite some time, so when he finished, he was expecting Nikolas to be done peeling the small number of tubers Seve had handed him. He was honestly shocked to find, when he turned around to make some trivial comment, that Nikolas was still holding the first tuber in one hand, the knife held in a white-knuckled grip in the other, and that he was staring at the vegetable, gnawing his lips as if he was in agony.
Seve bit back an oath and came to the table. Now he could see how Nikolas’ hands shook—no wonder he couldn’t peel the tuber. He laid his own hand over the one holding the knife and stared wordlessly at their friend as Nikolas looked up with stricken eyes. “Don’t look at me,” he whispered. “Don’t see me like this.”
Moving slowly, Seve sat down next to him, and gently eased the knife and tuber out of Nikolas’ death-like grip. Then he took the trembling hands in his own. “I’m sorry I frightened you,” he said quietly. “I really wouldn’t harm you.”
“
It’s...it’s not that. I...I keep....”
“
Feeling them? Feeling
him
?” Nikolas nodded jerkily. “Yes, I know what that’s like. Do they hurt?”
Nikolas wouldn’t meet his eyes, and as he clearly wanted his hands freed, Seve obliged—Nikolas quickly hid them in his lap. “They...spasm. And shake. As soon as I try and do anything...I can’t...hold the tools steady.”
“
Will it get better, do you think?”
Nikolas looked at him, eyes full of pain, and not a little weariness. “It’s been five months, Seve,” he murmured. “Is it better for you yet?”
Seve moved away instinctively, sensing an attack—but Nikolas’ expression didn’t change, and once his heart slowed a little, he realised there was no malice in the question. “My hands don’t shake,” he said roughly. “Is there anything anyone can do? Doctors? Drugs? We have money if you need it.”
Nikolas shook his head, reached for the knife again, but then stopped. “I don’t think I can peel the vegetables after all.” He got to his feet. “You have a garden?”
“
Out back, but....”
Nikolas was already slipping outside, the door closing quietly behind him.
“
Damn it.” Seve clenched his fists. What had he done, not done this time? He was just an oaf, a clumsy, whorish oaf, who’d frightened Nikolas, then humiliated him.
Steps at the doorway, and then Jaime’s worried voice. “Seve love? Where is he?”
“
Out the back. He wanted to be alone.” He turned to face Jaime. “I didn’t hurt him, I swear.”