Jaime didn’t like the idea at all, but he sensed he was close to victory of a sort. “All right—at night. Until this batch runs out, and then...you try without?”
“
You’ve no idea what you’re asking, Jaime.” His eyes were wounded, anxious—full of genuine fear of what would happen to him.
But Jaime would not let him go, would not let him fall. “I’m asking you to let me find out, Nikolas. I’m asking you to let us help you.”
“
Until it gets too much, you mean,” he said with a bitter little laugh. “Very well, Jaime. If my humiliation means I prove to you that you can’t beat this, have it your way.” He pulled his hands free. “Don’t you care what effect this might have on Seve?”
“
I’ll have to tell him what’s going on. He won’t be any happier than me that you’re drugging yourself.”
“
Sure, why not?” Nikolas said wearily, getting up again. “Let the whole world know my affairs.”
“
Where are you going?”
“
For a piss, damn it.” He stalked out, leaving Jaime feeling rather foolish, and very worried.
“
Hey, what’s wrong with him?”
Jaime looked up at Seve, who was scrubbed and clean and looking particularly handsome. He reached out his hand, which Seve took, squeezing his fingers affectionately. “Tell you later—I need to think. Seve—I’ve asked Nikolas to stay for a while longer, to help you in the garden, repair the house. Do you mind?”
“
Bit late if I do,” he said, but his tone was mild. “It’s a good idea,” he added, smiling in a reassuring way. “Has he agreed?”
“
Sort of. Seve—whatever happens in the next few days, or even weeks, I need you to be very, very patient with him. I don’t really know what will happen....”
Seve came to his side, and Jaime leaned against his leg, savouring the feel of him. He couldn’t get enough of it. “I can guess,” Seve said quietly. “The healer?”
That, at least, was something positive to talk about. “He believes massage would be very useful. He said he could teach you how to do it—but it would mean going into town again.”
Seve sat down next to him. “I think I can—if Nikolas or you come with me. When?”
Jaime was secretly proud of the calm way Seve was accepting the idea of meeting a stranger, when it had been such a barrier before. “As soon as you can. The sooner the better,” he added, thinking that the parcel of drugs he’d brought home for Nikolas wouldn’t last all that long. If they could diminish the pain in his hands, then maybe the rest of it would find a solution.
“
Then tomorrow, perhaps. I better serve that food, or it’ll burn.” He allowed Jaime to bestow a kiss on him, smiled, and then rose to deal with the soup. He had indeed had a good day, it seemed.
The pleasure Jaime took in his lover’s improved mood, was tempered by his concern at Nikolas’ edginess. When he came back into the kitchen, he pretended there was nothing wrong, and avoided Seve’s attempts to get him to open up, which Jaime thought was ironic, considering. Then Nikolas excused himself early and went to his new bedroom, refusing all attempts to delay him.
As soon as he was gone, Seve put his hands on his hips and glared at Jaime. “What did you
do
?”
Jaime sighed. “Sit, Seve love, and promise to stay calm?”
“
I’ll try,” Seve said, sounding suspicious, but sitting down as requested. “Damn it, we were getting on really well. Was it an act? He was just doing it for you, wasn’t he....”
“
No, he wasn’t—and it’s not an act. Just listen, and keep your voice down. He’s taking drugs to help with the pain and the nightmares.” Seve stiffened, drew breath to protest. Jaime held up a finger in warning. “Yes, I
know
. I asked him to stop. He’s agreed—in a way, at least. He’ll only take it at night, at least until the batch I picked up today runs out.”
“
You brought drugs into this house?” Seve hissed, though he did at least keep his voice low. “Jai!”
“
I didn’t know that was what he was asking me to collect, and when I realised, I thought I should at least ask him about it. Look—I don’t like it either, but he says he can’t manage without. That’s why I need you to be patient, Seve. This isn’t going to be easy.”
Seve’s jaw was set stubbornly, his eyes stormy. “So him being nice today was just drugs? I should have known. I thought it was too good to be true.”
Seve was working himself up again, and Jaime, starting a headache, really wished he’d kept his mouth shut about the whole business—to both of them. “No, that’s not true. The drugs are for the pain and the nightmares. You saw—he wasn’t intoxicated or behaving oddly. Nikolas likes you. He admires your strength, as do I. You have a bond in common experiences, and you worked on something today that gave you both a lot of pleasure. Don’t deride him or yourself. Don’t make this harder than it needs to be, please?”
Seve glared, but as Jaime waited patiently, the tension in his body lessened. “Maybe you should have left him with that crutch,” he said finally.
“
But you hate the drugs!”
“
Yes. But I have you.”
Jaime’s heart contracted a little in shock. “That’s...that’s what he said. Gods, Seve....” Now he had really done harm to his friend. Stupid, stupid.... “I should have left him with it. I’ll tell him I won’t object if he wants to keep on with it.”
Seve took his hand, and looked into his eyes. “No. We find him something else. Maybe it’ll have to be someone else.” He raised his forearm up off the table, and Jaime stared at him, wondering what he was doing. “I’m free, Jaime. He said I have to keep learning that lesson, but that he didn’t know what lesson
he
needed.”
“
So we...find out what that is?”
Seve nodded. “If we can. No one else is in a better position.”
“
Can you do this, Seve? Be truthful, for better to admit it now, than to fail disastrously later.”
“
The choice has to be his. I am willing to let him stay, regardless, because you’re right, he’s good for me. But only he can decide if he wants the crutch or the help. You had no right to take it away by force.”
Jaime hung his head. “True. I’ll speak to him....”
“
No, let me. I need the practice.”
Jaime managed a smile at the joke, and then ghosted his fingers across Seve’s perfect mouth. “I adore you,” he said softly. “And I’m so proud of you for today...for always.”
Seve laid the gentlest kiss on his fingertips. “I think I need to be holding you.”
“
I think that’s something I can take any amount of, Seve love.”
~~~~~~~~
Now Seve had been alerted to the truth, the signs of Nikolas’ habits were clear. Seve was sickeningly familiar with the drowsiness, the thick-headedness, the hangover headache that Nikolas revealed with slight winces at the sun streaming through the kitchen window as he stumbled in, a ready smile on his lips and in search of tea. He was friendly enough to both of them, but a little wary too, though as Seve let Jaime take the conversational lead, and only interrupted to smoothly offer some more hotcakes or tea, or a little of his own (admittedly very fine) fruit preserve, Nikolas relaxed somewhat. Jaime, Seve noted, was being very gentle with their friend. Not that he didn’t have good reason to be, but he had to wonder what their interactions had been like before. Jaime could be...rather haughty when he was displeased.
But there was no displeasure now. Plans for the day were discussed, and Nikolas cautiously agreed to walk into town with Seve that afternoon to visit the healer and get his advice. Jaime would normally spend his free day working in his office, for he always had more correspondence and research to do than he had free time for. But this was an unusual situation, so Seve wasn’t surprised when his lover cheerfully suggested that all three of them should tackle the remaining cleaning so they could see what needed repairing or replacing.
Nikolas shrugged off the mind-fog of drugs after only a little time spent in physical labour, and seemed to actively enjoy the chance to wear himself out again. Jaime too, seemed to relish the work. It was, in fact, a highly enjoyable morning—hard, but not too hard, with plenty of time to stop, drink tea, and laugh at Nikolas’ jokes, or Jaime’s rare but cutting wit. And by noon, they had done as much as Seve could have hoped to have achieved in a day or more. He declared himself well pleased at their efforts—already the house seemed bigger, and much more inviting. Over lunch, they discussed what they might need to purchase now they had examined the old rugs and all the stored furniture. Nikolas offered suggestions from time to time, though Seve couldn’t help but notice that anything that was put forward which would add to the comfort or luxury of Nikolas’ own room, was ignored. Seve could hardly blame him—in Nikolas’ shoes, he’d be wary too. He didn’t envy the man’s situation at all.
Jaime rather unsubtly left them alone to clean up after lunch, as he claimed he had work of his own to do. Nikolas set to efficiently—there was little to be done except store the food and wash the dishes, which Seve carried out. Nikolas brought a bowl from the cold room over to the sink. “I transferred the vegetables in this to another—is that all right? To save space.”
“
Of course,” Seve said, taking it from him, and searching his eyes. “Are you content to do this? Jaime would go with you if you preferred.”
Nikolas gave him a slight smile. “You’re the one who needs the training.”
“
True. But I don’t wish to impose.”
“
You’re not. Let me change my shirt and we can go. Uh...will you be all right? Coming into town, I mean. It’ll be busy—always is until late afternoon.”
“
I have my own bodyguard, so why wouldn’t I be all right?” Nikolas smiled again. “Go on. I’ll just say goodbye to Jaime.”
In truth he was more nervous than he was prepared to admit, but his lover noticed, just as Nikolas had. “I’ll come with you, if you like,” Jaime offered, rising to give him a kiss and take his hands.
“
No...I need to do this. I did it the other day,” he said with a strained smile.
Jaime gave him a look. “I don’t think you were in your right mind then,” he said severely. “The healer’s very kind, you know. I told him about...about our history. He’d heard a little, but the rest was new. He just wants to help Nikolas. And the people here are no enemy to us.”
The enemies Seve feared were not Jendonese—or even still alive. But he knew he had to get past this. “Nikolas will be with me. We’ll support each other.”
“
Yes. Proud of you, Seve.”
Seve bent and kissed him again. “Wait until I do something to be worthy of it, runt.” Jaime smiled at the name. “I don’t know how long we’ll be....”
“
I can cook. Take as long as you like.”
Nikolas was waiting in the hall, his hands twisting slightly nervously until he spotted Seve, then he straightened. “Right—let’s go,” he said cheerfully. Seve wondered if he had used the time while changing his shirt to take more of the drug, but then stepped on that unkind thought. If he was taking it, then he had his reasons. Sometimes Seve had even welcomed the dullness of the opiate upon his senses, even if it had made things worse in the end. In the prison, any chance to escape the reality had been a temptation.
“
Seve?”
Nikolas had noticed his loss of concentration. “Uh...nothing. Come on.”
It was a bright, warm day, and the road was busy with merchants hurrying towards the town, or traders bearing goods from the many markets there. Seve had had little experience of seeing any of this, or much of life at all, and Nikolas had to keep reminding him to dodge the carts or horses, or make way for this or that person. Seve supposed people took them for brothers, walking side by side. They almost could have been, with their colouring. His mother may even have been Jendonese. He wondered what she had been like. Perhaps she was still alive. Did she ever regret the child she’d given up?
“
Are you all right, Seve?” Nikolas had stopped and now peered into his face with concern.
“
I’m fine...just...this is all new. All the people...I don’t get out much.”
Nikolas touched Seve’s arm. “You’re safe,” he said in a low voice. “I’d never allow you to be harmed.”
“
I know.” The idea of his puny self protecting someone of Seve’s size would seem rather ridiculous, except he knew these people and their ways, and Seve had no idea at all. “Nikolas—do I look Jendonese to you?”
He raised his eyebrows. “Well, yes. We’re a bit of a mongrel race, though. Why do you ask? No one’ll care about your looks, Seve, except to envy you them.”