Nikolas emerged just as Seve was suggesting Jaime go and see how he was doing. He looked drowsy, and Jaime knew instantly he must have taken some of the drug. He fought down his objection—Seve had explained his views on this—and instead offered Nikolas tea. Their friend remained subdued all through the meal, but willingly allowed Jaime to watch Seve give him a hand massage. Jaime sat close by Nikolas’ side, at Seve’s suggestion—he would have to ask him later how it was that he didn’t mind—but Nikolas seemed to appreciate it.
The process itself was simple, but the effect on Seve and Nikolas both was just astounding. Jaime could feel the relaxation in Nikolas’ body, and actually see the tension seeping out of his lover’s face. He almost felt jealous, until he remembered
why
this was happening.
At last they were done, and Jaime fetched a cloth for them to wipe the last of the ointment from their hands. “Sorry about the smell,” Nikolas apologised. “It’s a traditional Jendonese remedy. One that really works, though.”
“
It’s not unpleasant—just odd. It seems to work,” Jaime added gravely.
Nikolas flexed his hands and smiled. “Yes. Thank you, Severin,” he said, bowing his head formally. “A blessing on you.”
“
No need for that, Nikolas. We’ll have to do this a lot. Besides, I enjoy it. Jai, try some on your skin.”
Curious, Jaime allowed it, and realised what Seve meant. “It...tingles?”
“
Hmmm. Must be Jendonese magic,” Seve said, which made Nikolas snort with laughter. “Do you think you can sleep now?” he said to Nikolas.
“
Yes. I really do. And I should. Good night—and thank you.”
Jaime got up and closed the door behind him, then turned to Seve. “There must indeed be magic in that cream,” he said dryly, “if you can feel no jealousy at all.”
“
I never said that. I’ve learned to control myself. I’m a man, not an animal. I choose not to let it overrule me any more. But you have as much cause to be jealous.”
“
I hope I don’t need to feign pain in my hands to have you touch me—do I?”
Seve hooked his arm around Jaime’s waist and tugged him close. “Not any more,” he said quietly. “Let’s clean up and go to bed, because I’m tired and in need of you.”
Oh, how sweet those words were, Jaime thought, and true as well, as Seve stuck close to his side as they cleaned, and then as they walked to their bedroom together. Seve put his arms around him there, and kissed him with passion, which Jaime eagerly responded to, but he expected no more than that. Not yet. But his lover had more surprises for him.
“
Jai...there’s something I want to try,” he murmured behind Jaime’s ear.
“
Anything, Seve love. Anything at all.”
“
Then...I want you to undress me.”
Jaime stepped back in shock. The entire time since their release, Seve had insisted on remaining clothed at night, and any attempt to even loosen his shirt in the bedroom paralysed him with fear. “Why?” Jaime whispered.
“
Because if I never try, I’ll never defeat it.”
Jaime didn’t move. “I need to know why it hurts you, before I do something that makes it worse.”
Seve sighed, then sat on the bed. “Can’t you guess? Him. It always comes back to...Minas.” His voice choked a little over the name. Jaime came and sat next to him, took his hand. “He...took delight in my powerlessness. That I dared not strike him or resist because....”
“
Because of me,” Jaime said, his heart twisting.
“
Yes. Because I
love
you, Jai.” Jaime could only squeeze his hand, and wish Minas dead a thousand times over. “He...used to undress me himself, fondle me...make it clear who owned me.” He set his jaw. “But I belong to
you
, Jaime. I want you to own me again. Take me back.”
“
Yes, I will,” Jaime said firmly, beginning, for the first time, to understand what some of their problem had been. “If you’ll reclaim me also...for many hands, many men, tried to steal me from you.”
“
Oh...Jai,” Seve murmured, kissing him, then holding him tightly, almost painfully so, for a few moments. “I’m sorry—you suffered so much more....”
“
Stop! We can’t do this. It’s not a contest to see whose wounds bled more, who was violated more intolerably! Seve, we can’t....”
“
Peace, Jaime. I’m sorry,” he whispered against Jaime’s neck. “Maybe it’s too soon.”
“
No. I think...now is the best time to try. If you’re still willing.”
“
Yes.” Then he stood. “Let’s get this over with.”
“
No!” Jaime protested, standing and put his arms around his lover’s waist, laying his head on his chest. “No. This will be an act of love and pleasant for both of us, or not at all. Seve, remember this is me. Only me. Tell me what he did, how he did it, so I don’t remind you.”
“
Then I have to think about it, which is what I don’t want to do.”
Jaime looked up into miserable green eyes. “This once,” he said quietly. “So I know. Never again, I promise.”
Seve went still, rigid underneath him. “All right. Let me go, Jai.”
Jaime stepped back, keeping his eyes on his lover’s face. “When you’re ready,” he said with as much love in his voice as he could infuse.
Seve clenched his right hand. “He...made me stand still. No movement at all. If I failed...then he’d always arrange things so that...you suffered.”
Jaime came closer. “You don’t have to stand still for me. You can touch me. Push me away. Pull me close. Go on,” he urged, as Seve seemed to misunderstand him. “You’re free, Seve. You can do what you want.”
Hesitantly, Seve raised his hand, and skimmed it whisper-soft across Jaime’s jaw. “Need a shave, runt,” he said with forced humour.
“
Maybe you can shave me. I’d trust you.” That raised a little smile. “Then what did he do?”
The smile disappeared. “He...would take my clothes off. Slowly. Touching me...everywhere. Licking me. Telling me that I was his and that he’d do what he liked to me. He would...force me to....” Jaime held his breath, afraid to know what Seve had been forced to do for that pervert. “Jaime, I can’t.”
Jaime hugged him tight and listened to Seve’s racing heart, wishing there was a way to take this from him. “Did he make you fellate him?”
“
No...not so often. But he...would...touch me until I....”
He mumbled something, which Jaime could make no sense of. “I didn’t hear that, Seve love.”
“
Until he got me hard!” Seve pushed him away, and walked to the corner of the room. “He got me hard! Made me...respond! He wouldn’t stop until I did. There was no point, except to prove he could, and that...he could make me...betray you.”
Seve covered his face with his hands, and then turned to the wall. Jaime stood still, at last understanding what had been the barrier between them. If there was a hell for perverted priests, then surely Minas was condemned to stand there in agony forever. But Minas’ suffering was not his concern now. Seve’s was.
“
Seve? Severin, turn around.” Seve shook his head. “I want you, as a free man, to turn around and face me. Please. It’s me, Jaime, asking. The one who loves you. No one else.”
He could have gone to him, could have made him turn with touch and persuasion, but he wanted this to be Seve’s choice, his own free will. “Seve...if you think you betrayed me, what does that make me, since I actually fucked a dozen men in front of you? Do you think I felt desire for even one of them? A man’s body will respond to touches, and we have no control. I did what I had to, to protect you, just as you protected me. If you judge yourself, you judge me. And I can’t be forgiven unless you turn around and tell me that I am.”
Seve whirled. “You? I need to forgive you?”
“
Yes. If you think you’ve sinned, then so have I. Or neither of us have.” He struggled to keep his voice steady, but a wobble crept in anyway. “How can a victim of a crime be the one who needs forgiving, Seve? We were powerless prisoners. We had no choices. But you have a choice now.” His hand, unbidden, clenched into a fist as he fought his pain down hard. “Step forward and forgive, step forward and accept. Or stay where you are and condemn us both to sorrow.”
With a cry, Seve flung himself towards Jaime and into his arms. “No! You did nothing! I don’t need to forgive!”
“
Then neither do I. Neither do I,” he murmured, as Seve shook and shuddered and got his grief under control, and Jaime did the same. At least he could pretend the men he’d fucked were Seve. Seve never had that luxury.
They held each other in silence for some time, then Seve stepped back and wiped his eyes. “I...uh....” His voice shook. “I never thought this would....”
“
We have to expect it. But if you’re tired, we should stop.”
Seve straightened up, his mouth set tight. “No. No. I want you to finish. Undress me. Make me yours.”
“
You always were,” Jaime said. “You can tell me to stop. You can tell me to wait. You can tell me to do it differently. You’re free.” He put his hand on the laces of Seve’s shirt. “May I?”
Seve nodded jerkily, so he slowly undid them, keeping his eyes firmly on Seve’s the whole time. He asked permission again when he bent to remove Seve’s house shoes, and when he loosened Seve’s belt. He touched the laces of his trousers. “No,” Seve said, his voice thick with sudden fear.
“
As you wish,” Jaime said peacefully. He leaned against Seve for a moment, letting him feel his love, and letting Seve calm again. Then—“Your shirt?”
The shirt was removed, and Jaime kissed him to thank him. Seve was still holding himself tightly, and Jaime realised that this was not the act of love he had demanded. It was still a torment for Seve, and that had to change. “Will you sit?” he said, taking Seve’s hand. “I don’t need you to take off more, unless you want me to.”
He didn’t miss the relief—and the shame—in his lover’s eyes. He hoped he could make Seve forget about the shame at least. He quickly stripped off his own shirt and shoes, so that he was, like Seve, bare-chested, but still modest. Then he sat on the bed, and took Seve’s hands. “When Minas was touching you, what did you want to happen?”
“
Him to stop. To go away,” Seve whispered.
“
And now he’s gone, Seve love. And I’m here. Touch me.” He took Seve’s hand and placed it over his heart. “Feel that? I’m real, I’m here.”
Seve rubbed his fingers a little against Jaime’s bare chest, almost as if the sensation was brand-new. “This...this is what I wanted. To touch you. For four years, all I dreamed about...was holding you again. Touching you again.” He looked into Jaime’s eyes. “I always thought...when we were freed, it would be over.”
Jaime leaned forward and nuzzled his cheek against Seve’s. “Our bodies remember, like Nikolas’ hands. Maybe we should use some liniment on them.”
Seve laughed suddenly. “I’m not sure you’re supposed to use it all over. The healer said...that the massage must be done with love. That emotions are carried with it, and are what give the healing.”
“
Wise advice,” Jaime said gravely. “Perhaps we should try that.”
“
A massage?”
“
Yes. Who’s first?”
“
Now?”
“
Why not? Are you too tired?”
Seve frowned. “No. But I don’t know anything about massages.”
“
Learn. Practice on me. You said you wanted to touch me. So touch me.” He stood up, undid belt and laces and quickly shrugged off his trousers, tossing them away at the little chair. Then he climbed back on the bed, and very deliberately spread himself out, naked, vulnerable. “I’m yours as much as you’re mine. Claim me, Seve love.”
If he’d sprouted feathers and taken flight, he’d probably have got less of a reaction from Seve, who was standing there with his eyes wide and surprised, frozen in shock. “Surely you haven’t forgotten how to touch me,” Jaime said gently. He had to concentrate on Seve now. Not on his own memories, or his own emotions.
“
No. I just....” He suddenly bent, unlaced his pants, and like Jaime before him, removed them and threw them aside. Then he stood, eyes still wide and staring, his chest heaving like he’d run a mile.
It was the first time he’d had the liberty to just stop and look at his lover’s perfect body since their release, and he made the most of it, letting Seve see his frank admiration. “The most beautiful man I know,” he murmured. It was the complete truth. Seve was astonishingly handsome, inside and out.