“
Normal is...what you want it to be, Seve.” He moved his hands so he was holding Seve’s, not the other way around. “Why does what happened to Minas bother you so much?”
The nausea spiked again, and he would have pulled his hands away, but Nikolas was holding on, though very carefully, looking at him with non-censorious eyes. “It...was...you don’t know what it was like, watching Jaime be....”
“
Yes,” Nikolas said quietly. “I do, actually. Not as much as you, but I know what it was like to be helpless.”
“
No! He was tortured for
me
, punishing me! And seeing Minas be...gods! It was... let me go, Nikolas, please!”
He yanked his hands free, and would have run off, except Nikolas placed a hand on his arm. “Don’t? Stay, face it, Seve. They can’t hurt you anymore. You’re safe, you’re free, I’m here and I’ll keep it from getting too much.”
“
How?” he choked out, struggling so hard against the instinct to flee, and pinning all his courage on Nikolas’ calm, green gaze, the warmth of his hand on his arm. “I dream...gods, I dream so often of being dragged back, and this time, Minas is...doing...to me what....”
Nikolas’ grip increased a little. “What was done to him?”
Seve nodded jerkily. “And to Jaime. He’s doing it all over again, to both of us.” He began to shiver. “And I can’t...do anything...because I’m trapped, bound...the way I was.”
“
Seve, lift your arm. Lift it.” Seve started, but Nikolas just kept looking deep into his eyes. “You’re not trapped. You can lift your arm. Do it.”
Seve obeyed—it was harder than he thought it would be. He realised that he had unconsciously assumed the same position he had been forced into, those nights when...Jaime.... He raised his hand. “Good—more, the other one. Feel how free you are, Seve.” Nikolas released the light hold he had on him, and Seve raised both his arms out to shoulder height. “No bonds,” he said quietly. “You can reach Jaime now. Nothing is holding you back. You can stand. Do it.”
And Seve did, the way he had so desperately wanted to do, to get away from Minas’ filthy touch, to get out of that chair, to reach Jaime and protect him, stop the cruelty. It was truly as if the chains had fallen away afresh. He turned and looked at Nikolas. “So simple?”
“
If you want it to be. But I know it’s not easy for all that. It’s a lesson, I suspect, you will need to relearn many times. You should do it as often as you can. Reach out, be free, touch Jaime—enjoy your liberty.” Nikolas clenched his fist and stared up at him. “Minas is
dead
. He won’t harm you again, Seve. He has no power anymore.”
“
But yet your hands still ache.”
Nikolas’ smile was painful. “I...don’t know the lesson I need to learn.”
“
Maybe I can teach you, when I discover it?” Seve had no idea if he could, but he wanted to, he desperately wanted to be able to ease some of the pain he had, however unwillingly, been the cause of.
“
If you could, I would be your slave forever.”
“
No more slaves, Nikolas.”
Nikolas shrugged with a smile. “Only a joke, Seve. Now—tea?”
~~~~~~~~
Jaime had a lot to think about as he walked slowly down the lane towards their house. He had deliberately lingered in town, talking to the healer about Nikolas, and to Nikolas’ father and his friends at the inn. The conversations had only increased the sense of guilt he’d been carrying about having neglected his friend for so long, and the little parcel he had picked up at the inn was tangible proof of how bad things had become. He also couldn’t help but wonder how Nikolas and Seve had got on, but it was for that reason that he’d made himself stay away until late afternoon. They needed a chance to learn to trust each other.
As he entered the house, and followed the sounds of voices out into the garden, he realised the experiment, in that respect at least, had succeeded. Nikolas was sprawled on the grass, Seve sitting on the stone bench, tea mugs beside them, and both seemed relaxed, though a little grimy and rather tired. “He’s back,” Nikolas said, lifting his mug in salute.
Seve smiled, and to Jaime’s great pleasure, rose, came straight to him and took him into a warm, tight hug, which Jaime returned with startled delight. “Hey, what’s brought this on?” he murmured.
“
Learning my lessons,” Seve said, grinning. “Come and sit.”
The garden was full of furniture, but everything looked clean, as if all newly washed. “You’ve been busy.”
“
It’s been a good day,” Seve said. “A very good day.” Nikolas smiled into his teacup.
“
I’m glad. Nikolas? How are your hands?”
“
Sore—now, it’s not your fault, Seve,” he said as Seve grimaced. “Sore with hard work, like the rest of me. It’s good.” He climbed stiffly to his feet, then cracked his back with a wince. “Ah...but I’m not as young as I used to be. I think I’ll have a wash, then come and help put the rest of this back inside.”
But Seve raised his hand. “No, Jaime and I can do it—do you think you could manage supper? Everything’s cooked, it’s just leftovers.”
“
Of course. Er, Jaime...?”
“
In the office,” Jaime said. He wanted a word about that little package, but not in front of Seve. “Go on.”
Nikolas smiled and walked back into the house. Jaime slid his arm around Seve’s waist, and thrilled quietly when his lover didn’t flinch in the slightest. “You and he are comfortable together?”
“
It was a good day,” Seve repeated. “We talked. Worked hard. He...helped me a lot.”
Jaime looked into Seve’s beautiful eyes, and saw more peace there than there had been in a very long time. He leaned in and kissed him. “I thought he would. He’s a very kind person, love. As are you.” Seve didn’t answer that comment—Jaime didn’t want to cause any tension between them, so didn’t press. Instead he waved his hand at the furniture. “Is the bedroom done?”
“
Yes, we finished it earlier. The room looks quite pleasant—Nikolas said he wouldn’t want to leave. Then in the next breath, he said he’d have to get back to his father’s shop soon or he’d be short of help.” Seve looked up. “In a single day, he’s offered me so much help, Jai—yet nothing I can say seems to give him any comfort. Is it because it’s me? Does it have to come from you?”
“
I have no answers, Seve love.” He reached up and stroked Seve’s cheek—his lover nuzzled against the caress in a way that made Jaime ache from joy. “But it’s only been a day. I think this can only be a good thing. You look....”
“
Free?”
“
Yes. You look free.” Jaime frowned. “What changed?”
“
This,” Seve whispered, getting to his feet, dragging Jaime up with him. “I can stand when I want to. I can put my arms out and hold you. I can reach you, touch you. My lesson to be learned.”
“
Then learn it well,” Jaime murmured, not really understanding what had convinced Seve so firmly of what Jaime had been trying to tell him for months. “You touch me as much as you like, because I’m hungry for it.” And would have starved to death, most likely, if not for Nikolas and the miracle he’d wrought. He rested for a few moments in Seve’s confident embrace, relishing the lack of anxiety in both of them, but then realised they were wasting the daylight. “We should get this inside.”
“
Yes. But not all of it in the bedroom. We made a plan.”
The furniture moving took an hour, and by the time they were done, it was almost dark. He made a cursory clean up, but Seve was much dirtier and wanted a proper wash, which suited Jaime because he needed to speak to Nikolas on his own. He found him in the kitchen, drinking tea and staring into space, though the smell of warming food was proof he hadn’t been idle. For a moment, he thought Nikolas had already partaken of the contents of the package, but then realised his friend was just lost in his thoughts.
Nikolas smiled as he came in. “Isn’t the bedroom nice? You and Seve should take it over.”
“
No, it’s yours,” Jaime said, grabbing a mug and sitting down so he could pour himself some tea.
“
Well, for a few days, it’s mine.”
“
It’s
yours
. For however long, for whenever you need it. I don’t want you going back to that inn, Nikolas.”
Nikolas blinked. “Why not?”
“
Because they sell you drugs.”
“
Well, yes, but they give me work to do as well....”
“
No. I forbid it. You come here. I insist on that.”
Nikolas bowed his head with an ironic look. “As you wish, Master Jaime.”
“
And I don’t want you taking that stuff around Seve.”
Nikolas’ hand tightened on his mug. “Sorry, that’s not negotiable. I need it to sleep, to help with the pain.” He looked up, and his eyes were bleak. “It’s all that keeps me sane, Jaime.” He set his mug down, and Jaime could see his hands were trembling ever so slightly. “In fact, I don’t think I can accept your other edict either. You don’t want to see me when I’m not taking the hievo resin.”
“
Are you taking it now? You took it last night?” Jaime demanded, horrified that Nikolas could need to be drugged just to get through the day.
“
Yes, of course. Even with it, it gets too much. Then I have to find something else.”
“
No. It has to stop. There has to be another way, Nikolas.”
“
I’ve not found one. Why begrudge me my support, Jaime? You have him. I have nothing.”
Jaime opened his mouth to protest, then snapped it shut. What Nikolas said was true—but it was still wrong. “We’re your friends.”
“
You haven’t been around. And even if you had been—can you make my hands work again? Can you turn me back into a silversmith? Can you...?”
Nikolas bit off whatever he was about to say, and went to get up. Jaime clutched at his arm. “Please don’t leave. Nikolas, you can’t go.”
Nikolas hesitated, then smiled, though it was forced. “Not even to get up to fetch hot water to top up the pot?”
It hadn’t been his original intention, Jaime knew, but he let him go. Nikolas performed the task, then sat again, his body tense, at odds with his deliberately cheerful expression—Jaime hadn’t realised before how much Nikolas feigned his good humour. He reached over and clasped his wrist. “Give me two things, Nikolas, I beg you. For me.”
“
If I can—you know I’d refuse you nothing, Jaime. I wish I had that power,” he added softly.
Jaime almost winced—Nikolas’ feelings for him were yet another source of guilt, though the man had never even once tried to impose it on him. He got the impression Nikolas blamed himself for a lack of willpower in being unable to stop loving him, but Jaime had never understood why he thought it was a culpable thing. Love didn’t work like that—he’d lived all his life in a temple and even he understood that. “I want you to stay here, unless you have something truly pressing to leave for.”
“
My father’s shop....”
“
Your father can spare you, you know he can. If it’s money, I’ll pay you.”
Nikolas gave him a haughty look. “I have money too, and from the same place. But I work for my living.”
“
Then work here, with Seve—there’s more than enough. He can’t do all the things he wants to in the garden and in the house, but with you, he could. Please—for board, whatever you want. Just not the drugs.”
“
Jaime, I need....”
“
Please?”
“
You just don’t understand, Jaime. I can’t sleep. At
all
. I would keep you awake all night with my screaming. Even sometimes....” He drew a deep breath. “Even sometimes with it.”
“
That’s why you have that room? At the inn?”
Nikolas nodded, looking ashamed. “Father was worried, but disapproved of the drugs too. Everybody’s got a bloody opinion,” he added bitterly. “No one’s got the answers.”
Jaime shifted his grip until he was holding both of Nikolas’ hands—those poor, generous, suffering hands—in his. “Let me—let us—try? I spoke to the healer today, and he thinks massage will help—so will company, people to talk to. Please, Nikolas, give us the chance to put this right. The drugs aren’t the answer either.”
Nikolas bit his lip. “Will you let me take them at night? You don’t know what it’s like.”