Seve stayed silent while he thought about how he should respond to this, and tried very hard not to let his irrational jealousy rise up and swamp him again. It wasn’t easy, and it took some time before he felt he could speak calmly. “You...didn’t know me then. We’d only just met. Why would you want to die to save me, when it’s Jaime you’re in love with?”
“
That’s my point,” he snapped. “I love your lover. You shouldn’t have to...wait on me. I’m going to go home. My father...or my...sister-in-law...or...someone, can rub that stuff on my hands. I don’t need you. I
won’t
need you.”
He stood up. “You’ll have to...take your own mug back. I...I’ll have someone pick up my pack....”
Seve jumped up and restrained him with strong hands on his shoulders before Nikolas could do as he was clearly about to do and bolt. “No! Wait! Don’t I get a say in this?”
“
Why would you want one? Weren’t you listening to me, Severin?”
“
Yes. I heard you describe how you endured prolonged and brutal torture trying to save the life of the man we both love. You’ve not lied to me once about this, not on any of it. Why should I decide now, when I’ve known all along the truth of the matter, that I don’t want to help you?”
Nikolas’ green eyes were colder than Seve had ever known them, and used as he had become to the man’s constant cheerfulness, it was shocking. He knew he was seeing a side of Nikolas that was perhaps closer to the real man in pain than he’d been allowed to see before. “You were ready to hurt me, reject me—kill me—in my father’s shop, Seve.”
“
No! I would never have...I just thought you threatened my relationship with Jai! But you don’t!”
“
I told you....”
“
Do you think me a fool, Nikolas? Your mind’s not merciful. The healer said that. It’s trying to force me to be unjust and unkind and by any god you claim to believe in, I won’t allow that!” He shook the man. “Stop it! You’re trying to drive me away because you don’t think you deserve to be cured. But I swore to Jaime I would help you and I swear to you now—you won’t walk away from us until your hands no longer ache and you can work again. I swear that by my nameless mother and the love she bore for her child, however briefly.”
There were tears in Nikolas’ eyes now, angry tears, tears of pain. “I can’t stop my feelings for Jaime. I’ve tried. You can’t forget that.”
“
No. But it doesn’t negate my need to help you. I have my own guilt to expunge, Nikolas. You nearly died because Jaime needed to get me out and you loved him enough to make that happen. Jaime could have left the temple at any time if it weren’t for me, and you couldn’t just save
him
. It had to be both of us.
Because
you love him.”
Nikolas closed his eyes, shook his head a little, but Seve sensed the fight had gone out of him.
“
Come sit,” he said in a gentler tone, taking the neglected beer mug from Nikolas’ hand, and then pressing him back down to the bench, sitting beside him again. “You hate me because I’ve seen you when you are weak and helpless through pain. You forget you’ve seen me at far greater disadvantage. If you can look me in the eye, having seen me with those...girls...and Minas’ hand on my...on my cock...then why would you imagine I would be disgusted by your memories of your torture?”
“
Because it was worse for you.”
Seve picked up Nikolas’ hand and held it before them both. “He never broke mine,” he said quietly.
“
But Jaime....”
“
Or Jaime’s. He was careful. Yes, it was appalling for both of us, and we have our own injuries and scars and nightmares. But what happened to you was different. Maybe no worse in its way, but certainly no easier. I never thought he would maim me. I prayed for death. But I never believed he would do it—or cripple me.” He bowed his head. “I only realised that today...how much you had to face. I’m the one who’s sorry. I should have asked.”
“
I wouldn’t have told you,” Nikolas murmured, tugging his hand a little but not making a serious effort to free it. Seve kept hold, but lightly. He had no wish to imprison the man. “Please don’t tell Jaime.”
“
I won’t. Because you will.”
“
No.”
“
Yes. Because the healer said you should and I believe you should. But when you’re ready. I’ll only tell him what the healer said, so he knows why we’re doing the massages.”
“
I don’t want you to do them.”
“
Look me in the face and tell me that being free of pain isn’t worth a little embarrassment, Nikolas.”
His companion lifted his eyes. “But you should hate me.”
“
I choose other. I choose...mercy. I swore an oath just now, Nikolas. I am bound. Don’t make me an oath-breaker, I’ll imperil my soul.”
Nikolas snorted, giving a little laugh. “You don’t believe in the gods.”
“
Ah, but you told me it matters not, because they believe in me. So you’re caught by your own logic, and must retreat.” He found his forgotten beer, and took a long swig. “This is good.”
“
Hamer’s finest brew. I just want to know why, Seve. Why help your rival?”
“
You’re not my rival. You’re good but you’re not that damn good, Nikolas.” That raised an unwilling smile from his companion. “And...for the last six months I’ve been trapped by my own impotence, unable to move past what happened to us, unable to change anything or make a difference or help Jaime or even myself. You’re with us two days and already you’ve done more than we have in that time, because you’re not trapped like us in the past. But you’re trapped nonetheless, and it would make me feel like I have some small control over my life if I could help you. For so many years, I was isolated, the only touch that of...Minas...and powerless. I was powerful today. I healed, I relieved pain. It was a wonderful feeling. I want to feel that again, and do some good. Give that to me, Nikolas. I need it—and you. Please.”
Nikolas stared at him, pale-cheeked and wide-eyed. “Yes,” he whispered.
“
Thank you. I won’t fail you.” He made the effort to smile, though it felt like his cheeks were cracking. “Now
I
need a drink,” he joked, taking another swig.
Nikolas silently copied him, but his thoughts were clearly elsewhere. Seve granted him his privacy, surprised at his own vehemence on this issue, and hoping that he could make good his promises and keep his oath. He also hoped that the jealousy—which was real and Nikolas had been right to note it as a problem—could be kept under control because it wouldn’t just hurt Nikolas, it would drive Jaime away. Seve was honest enough with himself to admit the latter would hurt the most—but he didn’t want the former at all either. He was sick of being the instrument of pain. He would now be an instrument of healing, or he would be nothing at all.
They sat in the sun a little longer, drinking the excellent beer. It was peaceful here, and for such a busy city, surprisingly quiet. He could feel the tension easing from both of them as the ale slid down their thirsty necks. But at last it was finished, and the distant sound of the town square clock told them they had been here the hour that they had to wait for the liniment. Nikolas made to stand, collecting up the empty mugs, but Seve put his hand on his arm to restrain him. “Wait—there’s one more thing we should speak of.”
“
Yes?” Nikolas asked, instantly wary.
“
Jaime told me about the drugs.”
Nikolas looked away. “I promised him I’d stop when this batch runs out. Don’t ask for more than that, Seve. I’m sorry it upsets you, but it’s none of your business.”
“
No, it’s not. I wanted you to know that, and that I don’t object at all.”
Nikolas blinked, and had to sit down, he was so surprised. “But Jaime said....”
“
Yes. He reported my attitude correctly—as it was then. But...I’ve had time to think, and now I know more of the truth...I’ve changed my mind. I think they’re no solution, Nikolas. But I have no right to forbid it or judge.”
Nikolas hung his head. “I tried,” he murmured. “I tried to manage without....”
Seve touched his shoulder in comfort. “I’m not judging you. You don’t have to explain or justify yourself.”
Nikolas nodded slowly. “It’s because of what
he
did?”
Seve’s fingers tightened involuntarily, and he made himself let Nikolas go before he hurt him. “He used the drugs to gain obedience. And to engineer...the failure of the god’s blessing. I don’t know which was worse—when he did that or my own body betrayed me. The result was the same—Jaime hurt to punish me.”
Nikolas turned to him, his eyes sad. “No. Jaime’s pain was the point. He would have just made it up that you’d failed—no one would have questioned him. But the extra pain it caused you was relish to the meat of his cruelty.”
“
You’ve given this a lot of thought.”
“
I’ve had time to. I...wish I could throw the drugs away now...but I don’t have that courage.”
“
Not courage. Hope. You gave us hope, we’ll give it to you. In time.” He stood and offered his hand. “Now, let’s collect the liniment and go home. Jai’ll be worried, and we have good news for him.”
Nikolas managed a slight smile. Seve hoped soon the smiles might be broader, and more sincere. Did he have the power to create them? Only time would tell, he supposed.
~~~~~~~~
With the best will in the world, Jaime found it impossible to concentrate on his work, and ended up in the garden, aimlessly wandering the paths between the beds, looking without any recognition at the plants and shoots, and thinking only of his lover and his friend. This had the potential for such disaster, for all of them, and though he would trust either of them with his life, he didn’t know that they had sufficient control over their emotions to avoid clashing and thereby hurting each other. And him.
But late in the afternoon, when he should have been getting the supper ready, and instead was still mooning around, his thoughts in a jumble, they came back, and the moment he saw them, he realised his fears had been groundless. Both seemed rather tired, Nikolas markedly so, but there was a peace about them which told him at once that the trip had gone successfully. Seve came to him and kissed him as Jaime put his arms around him—and then, to Jaime’s surprise, Seve put his arm companionably over Nikolas’ shoulder. “Perhaps a rest before supper, and a massage then?”
“
Yes. Thanks, Seve.” The smile, to Jaime’s eyes, seemed utterly open and grateful. “Jaime, Seve can tell you the tale. I just need some time to myself.”
“
Of course. Take all the time you need.”
Nikolas headed to his room. Seve put his finger to his lips, and signalled to Jaime to come to the kitchen. Once there, he set his pack down at the door, then went to the stove to draw hot water from the cistern for tea. “Not started supper?”
“
Too worried,” Jaime said bluntly. “But I’ll....”
“
No, it’s fine. I could do with the distraction.” He glanced at Jaime. “You were right to be worried.”
“
But you both look...what happened?” he asked, tamping down the sudden anxiety. They wouldn’t be so peaceful if things were very bad.
For a few moments, Seve busied himself with the teapot and mugs, then brought them over to the table, sitting down across from Jaime. “That healer’s very kind, as you say. And very wise. Nikolas’ pain is caused by his mind, his memories, not his injuries. So we can only heal his pain by healing his mind—which, as you probably gather, isn’t going to be easy.”
Jaime listened in silence as Seve explained. It was so simple really—and made a good deal of sense. “And these massages—you’re willing to do this for him?”
“
Yes. I really am,” he said firmly. “I felt...like it was healing me. It was a very strange feeling. A good one. So long as Nikolas allows it, then I’ll do it.”
Jaime smiled with pure relief. “You have a good heart, Seve love.”
“
This was all your doing, don’t deny it. Now...I’d like you close, but I’ve talked for a long time today. Can you bear to just sit with me?”
“
Of course.” As if being near him was ever a chore.
Seve was preoccupied as he made supper, lost in his own contemplations—but never so absorbed that he didn’t from time to time remember to send a smile and a glance Jaime’s way. Jaime still marvelled at the change just a few days had made, and knew that only a week ago, none of this would have been possible. He was almost sure none of it would have happened without Nikolas. The question remained as to whether they could truly repay the debt as Seve seemed to think they could.