He almost would have preferred to go through one of Minas’ torture sessions than a day of teaching like this, for at least Minas’ attentions were usually relatively brief, and after hours of skull-pounding pain, unceasing anxiety, and irritation with everyone and everything, he would welcome death itself if it would free him from the headache and heartache.
But all days, even this day, had to come to an end, and by four, he was free. That just left the question of where he would sleep tonight, and if he would sleep at all. He didn’t have to work on the morrow, but under the circumstances, it was unlikely he’d be able to spend it at home. His friend and fellow teacher, Heiber, would most likely allow him to stay another night, but Jaime disliked being beholden. Perhaps an inn was the best answer.
Another answer was waiting for him as he came out into the entry hall, but it wasn’t a welcome one. As he tried to sweep past Nikolas who was lounging against a wall, clearly waiting for him, he found his arm seized in a powerful grip.
“
Have you got a death wish?” Jaime hissed, trying to get free.
“
No, and I know you don’t want a scene, so come outside so we can talk. You’re not getting away from me until you do.”
Jaime delivered his most furious and icy glare at his unwanted companion, but Nikolas kept hold of his arm, apparently merely solicitous and friendly, but still immovable for all that, until they were outside. Even then, Nikolas wouldn’t set him free until he dragged Jaime around the side of the building and into the small ornamental garden, which was designed to allow hard-working intellectuals to escape the rigours of their exertions, but which also served as an illicit meeting place for students, wanting privacy for their assignations. There were a couple kissing on a bench in the far corner now. Jaime spared them an irritated glance, but his main ire was for his captor, who dragged him over to another bench under a tree, and
still
kept his arm in a tight grasp.
“
Will you let me go! I won’t be manhandled.” He wished he still carried a knife—but such things were highly illegal in Hamer, and he’d thought the need long past.
“
Not until you promise to talk to me, Jaime. I’ve got several bones to pick with you, and I’m not leaving until I’ve done so. And then one of us is going home with Seve—I promised him he wouldn’t be alone tonight.”
“
Didn’t take you long to move in on him, did it?” Jaime said with a sneer. “Where is he?”
“
At the inn, working. He spent the night with me—but even less happened between us than when
you
spent the night, so wipe that look off your face,” Nikolas said with an expression as severe as any of the masters at the academy. “You know, I thought you had a measure of honour, Jaime. Now I find you’re telling Seve I’m an exploiter and a scoundrel. Some friend you are.”
“
Some friend
you’ve
turned out to be!” Jaime exclaimed. “I found you making love to Seve in my own home! If that’s not exploitation, what is it?”
Nikolas let his arm go, and gave him a peculiar look. “It’s love, actually. Unrequited, unsought and unexplored. None of it’s his fault, but I can’t help my heart.”
The sharp pain in Jaime’s chest almost choked him. “You said you loved
me
,” he said thickly. “Moved on?”
“
No. Not in any way. I wish I could,” Nikolas said quietly. “Jaime—who are you jealous of? Him or me?”
Jaime opened his mouth to answer, but Nikolas’ sharp gaze compelled him to think again. “Both,” he whispered. “You said you loved me.
He
said he loved me.”
Nikolas’ expression softened. “They’re both true, Jaime. But the difference with him is that you love him back. Which brings me to my second bone—how could you leave him like that? The man’s terrified of coming to Hamer on his own, and you walked out, leaving him in the house. For all you knew, he was trapped there until you returned.”
Jaime blinked at the change of subject. “I just needed to get away from him before we went too far with the things we were saying for it to ever be mended. Anyway, you said he’s here.”
Nikolas poked him in the chest. “Only because his worry and loneliness were stronger than his fear and he came to look for you. He was bloody miserable and anxious when he found me, I can tell you. You have no business treating him like that. He doesn’t deserve it—he’s suffered the same as you, and you can’t leave him when things get hard. That’s not love.”
“
It was only for one night....”
“
Oh yes?” Nikolas said, raising an eyebrow. “Did he know that? Were you going back this evening?”
“
No,” Jaime admitted. “Nikolas...I’ve run out of ways to help him. You’ve done more with him than I could,” he added bitterly. “No wonder he fell in love with you.”
“
He didn’t. He’s fond of me, and perhaps grateful, but he loves one man, and that’s you. Though I have to wonder why sometimes.”
“
You have no
right
to criticise me! You have no idea what it was like for the two of us.”
Nikolas turned on the bench to look him straight in the eye. “Really? You truly believe I have
no
idea?”
Jaime subsided. It was true. Nikolas was perhaps the only other person in the world who had the least understanding of the problems he and Seve faced. “I don’t know how to help him,” he murmured. “I don’t want it to be about sex, but the sex is a symbol for all we can’t seem to surmount. I don’t want to live another forty or fifty years being unable to make love to him. I need to...touch him, show him love in that way. Is that so wrong of me?”
Nikolas touched his arm. “Not at all,” he said quietly. “But it’s not like it’s his fault, Jaime, any more than the pain in my hands. He
can’t
stop his reactions. So you either have to endure it, or find another way.”
“
I don’t
have
another way. It’s not something I can look up in my books!”
Nikolas smiled ruefully. “That’s true. Are you just going to give up, take this job? After you waited so long and fought so hard?”
“
I don’t know. The job is...tempting. If it weren’t that I know how much Seve loves the house and the garden, and that he would find it very hard to settle in Jiotiq, I’d probably accept it on the spot.” He rubbed his arm where Nikolas had grabbed it so firmly—so very angry on his lover’s behalf, when Jaime knew it should have been him to look to Seve’s welfare. “I don’t want to leave him, but I don’t know how to stay with him either.”
“
You’ll find no solution if you keep apart, Jaime. Seve’s frightened of being alone. If you won’t go home with him, then I will, because he can’t survive isolation any more. It chokes him.”
Jaime understood that, but he couldn’t help feeling a little resentful. “Maybe this is your chance,” he said, his lip curling.
Nikolas narrowed his eyes at him. “I swear, Jaime, if I was a man prone to violence, I’d knock you down for that remark. I may love you, but right now, I don’t like you very much. Now get up, go to the Inn of the Six Winds and claim him, or by the gods, I’ll take him under my care. You’re both too precious to me to allow either of you to suffer this way.”
The kissing couple had decided to move on, away from the sounds of their arguing. The garden was theirs. Jaime wished Nikolas would spare him some time to think, and not order him about in this way. It wasn’t as simple as he was trying to make it appear. “And what will you do?”
“
Me? None of your concern. You made it clear yesterday what you thought of me. Once you and Seve are safely back together, you needn’t consider me again.”
The bitterness in his voice got past even Jaime’s irritation and headache. “You would have been so much more reasonable in my place? Coming home to find another man in my lover’s arms?”
Nikolas smiled reluctantly. “Maybe not. But you were being a little hypocritical. A lot hypocritical.”
“
And now Seve knows just how much.”
“
Jaime—do you really believe I was exploiting you? I never meant to. I thought...I was just trying to ease your pain. I was wrong in the way I did it, but....”
Jaime put his hand up, took a breath before replying. “No. You weren’t wrong. I could have said no, and you made me stronger when I needed that strength. I was just afraid...that Seve would reject me for betraying him. He was so jealous of you. Strange how he’s not now.”
“
He’s not afraid of me any more.” Nikolas stroked Jaime’s arm affectionately, and Jaime couldn’t find it in him to mind. “The only thing he truly fears is losing you. You have the power to end that fear, Jaime. I can’t do that for him—or you.”
Jaime placed his hand over Nikolas’ and looked into his eyes. “You were wrong. I do care what happens to you.”
“
Think of Seve, not of me.” Nikolas got to his feet. “He’s eating his heart out, worrying. Let’s go and reassure him.”
Jaime stood, but resisted Nikolas’ tug. “I still have no answers.”
“
He knows that. But you can’t deal with this if you’re not together. Come on.”
There was really no refusing him, not without making a ridiculous and pointless scene, so Jaime obeyed, following Nikolas as he strode confidently out of the gardens and across the square. Jaime couldn’t help but reflect how Nikolas was acting much more like the man he’d known in the temple—as if he needed something to take his mind off his own problems. But it surely wasn’t healthy for Nikolas to be so obsessed with helping two people heal their relationship, when his own feelings would have to be ignored for that to happen. Never one to be interested in the romantic entanglements of others, Jaime found himself wishing that Nikolas had found someone who could return his affections. To live with no hope of his love being returned was too bleak a future for such a warm-hearted man.
The inn wasn’t far, and was already busy—the warm late spring evenings made people thirsty, Nikolas explained. “He’s working in the kitchen—away from people.”
That made sense, but Jaime was still amazed that Seve had even managed this much on his own. A hot, savoury smell greeted them as Nikolas pushed open the door to the kitchen, and then Jaime saw Seve, wearing an apron and sitting at a table with a pile of vegetables in front of him. His face was sweaty and he looked as if he’d been working hard for some time. He hadn’t yet noticed anyone had come in.
“
Seve? I’ve got someone to see you,” Nikolas said. The two women working in the room grinned at his announcement.
Seve stood up, his eyes wide with surprise. “Jai?” Jaime held out his arms, and Seve ran to him, nearly knocking over a chair to do so. “Jai! I thought...I thought you wouldn’t come....”
Seve crushed him close, and Jaime dimly heard female laughter which wasn’t as mocking as it might be. He didn’t care—Seve was with him and that was all that mattered.
“
Well, I suppose we’ve lost our assistant for the night,” Jaime heard someone say.
He looked past Seve’s shoulder, and saw a grey-haired woman looking back at him. She didn’t seem very happy. “It’s all right, Kera,” Nikolas said cheerfully. “I’ll fill the gap. Seve’s got somewhere he needs to be.”
“
No,” Seve whispered. He looked at Jaime. “No.”
“
No? What do you mean, Seve?”
“
No. Nikolas—you’re coming home too.”
“
Seve...?” Jaime started to say.
Nikolas shook his head, still smiling. “I think you’ll be too busy for a guest, Seve.”
“
I said ‘no’. If you don’t come back, I won’t come back.”
Nikolas blinked. Jaime just stared at his lover in shock. Kera shook her head. “Well, none of you is much use to me if you’re going to argue. Clear out, all of you. Niko, if you want the room, you know the rate. Work or pay, that’s the rule.”
“
I’ll sort this out and come back, Kera. Jaime, Seve—outside, now.”
With Kera looking disapproving, and the other woman giggling behind her hand, Jaime and Seve had little choice but to follow Nikolas through the kitchen and out into a piss-soaked alley Jaime instantly recognised. As his cheeks heated up with the memory, he hoped Seve wouldn’t notice his embarrassment, but his lover and his friend had more important things on their minds than a sex act weeks ago.
Nikolas turned to face them. “Seve, you have to go home with Jaime. You have things to talk about.”
Jaime held his breath—it was almost as if the two men had forgotten him, as Seve took Nikolas’ hands in his and looked into his eyes. “We need your help,” he said quietly.
“
I would if I could, but I don’t know what....”
“
You do. You made it better before. Please, Nikolas—we need you.
I
need you.”