Jaime looked at Nikolas, who seemed rather stunned. “Seve, you know I can’t resist that, but Jaime doesn’t want me there.”
Seve turned. “Jai?”
“
Seve, Nikolas has his own life to live. We shouldn’t keep dragging him into our mess.”
Seve’s mouth tightened and his eyes took on a determined look. “I mean it. You don’t go back, I don’t go back. Kera needs a kitchen hand for the night. That’s me.”
“
Taking my bed away from me, Seve?” But the joke wasn’t matched by Nikolas’ expression, and in the next moment, Seve drew him into a tight hug. The two of them seemed lost in their own world, and Jaime, too, felt lost. He was jealous—but also afraid of being closed out permanently. By both of them. How had these two created such a connection when Nikolas had loved him
first
?
He didn’t dare speak, he didn’t dare react, but inside, he was such a mass of pain and confusion, he could barely choke it down. Seve was his. But Nikolas was his too. He couldn’t bear to lose either.
With a murmured word, Nikolas pushed himself away from Seve’s embrace, then looked at Jaime. “I’m sorry,” he said quietly. “Seve—you won’t go back unless I do, but I won’t go back unless Jaime freely allows it. It’s his home too. You have no right to force him to agree.”
“
Jai?”
“
I don’t have a choice,” Jaime said bitterly. “Not if I don’t want to lose you. But I don’t like being blackmailed. Do as you wish, Severin.”
He turned and stalked up the alley towards the main street. A few moments later, he found his arm gripped and he was jerked around, Seve in front of him, eyes hurt, eyes pleading. “Jaime—I don’t want this for me, I want it for us. He can help us. I know he can. He already did.”
“
And what does
he
get, Seve? The privilege of watching the two men he loves, reconcile and then close him out? Don’t you think that’s just a little unkind? I know you don’t love him, but you should think of his feelings. And mine.”
Seve stepped back and clenched his fists. “I don’t have a rational argument, Jaime. You’re the one who’s the master of those. All I know is that in
here,
” he said, striking his chest, “it feels right.”
“
I won’t consent under a threat,” Jaime said, fixing Seve hard with his gaze.
“
Then I withdraw it. I’ll come back regardless.”
“
Then...he’s welcome.” He turned—Nikolas was watching them warily a few feet away. “Come, stay, don’t stay. As you choose, Nikolas. We’re all free here. We do as we wish.”
Nikolas wasn’t revealing anything in his expression, and Jaime thought he was probably unlikely to accept. But then he straightened. “Let me fetch my pack and Seve’s, and tell Kera what I’m doing. But I’m telling you both—anyone walks out before we’re done, and I’ll come after them with a rope and drag them back. Jaime—you can’t run away again. Seve—nor you. Swear it.”
“
I swear,” Jaime said promptly.
Seve laid his hand on Jaime’s shoulder. “So do I, by my love for you, Jai.”
“
Now that’s a powerful oath,” Nikolas said with a grin. “Back in a minute.”
He ran back to the inn, and Jaime turned to his lover. “Do you have any idea what you’re doing, Severin?”
Seve managed a smile. “No. But then neither do you. A lot of people had faith in me when I was a god. I think the only faith worth having is in my friends and in those I love. I have faith in both of you.”
Such a way with words, Jaime thought, coming close and being pulled into a warm embrace. It was so easy when Seve had his arms around him like this. But he really wished he had some idea what was going to happen that night.
~~~~~~~~
Seve hung on to Jaime, half afraid to let him go in case he ran away again, whatever oath he’d sworn. What the hell was he doing, he wondered? He really had no idea—all he knew was that when Nikolas was around, he felt calmer, more able to deal with things and see things as they were. He knew he was using his friend, and felt guilty about that—but at the same time, he had a suspicion that Nikolas got something out of their friendship too, and since Nikolas had so little comfort in his life, Seve wanted to give him what he could. This was all a huge leap into the darkness—and he simply didn’t know if there was a bed of leaves or a jumble of sharp rocks awaiting him.
Jaime was silent, though he returned Seve’s embrace without holding back. Did his silence mean he was angry, or just confused? Seve was afraid to ask. He was so sick of being afraid.
“
Did you decide about the job?” Seve asked hesitantly.
“
No.” Jaime looked unhappy and harried, but as Seve waited, he explained, “Seve—I’ve had little sleep, and I’ve got a headache. I want to be patient and understanding and kind...but I’m tired.”
Seve stepped back a little, and noted that Jaime was rather pale, and the frown lines should have told him his lover was suffering. “Sorry, Jai,” he murmured, stroking his face. Not a good basis on which to try and sort out their tangled relationship. Perhaps this was just all too much of a damn mess.
Footsteps crunched on the dirt behind them. “Right—I’ve made my excuses, and bought a jug of their best ale,” Nikolas announced cheerfully, walking towards them, a large beer bottle on his shoulder. “Jaime—you don’t look well.”
Nikolas
had noticed, yet Seve hadn’t. He was a pitiful excuse for a lover. “He has a headache.” Jaime frowned at him—he could tell his own news, his look plainly said.
“
Ah. Then we should get a lift back, and perhaps...leave the hard discussions for tomorrow? Jaime, it’s your free day, isn’t it?”
Jaime nodded. “Three in a row—there’s a religious festival.”
“
The day of Pir’s children—all the new babies get their god names. Not much interest to those without them. At least you’ll have a rest. Let’s go.”
There were any number of carts and wagons heading out of town, as the market was closing down for the day and traders and farmers were heading home. Nikolas was able to hail a ride within minutes, and he rode up front with the farmer while Seve and Jaime had to make do in the back with a crate of chickens and a young goat on a tether who kept trying to chew on Seve’s shirt. Nikolas chatted amiably the whole way back—Seve envied his ease at doing so, even with all the sorrow he knew Nikolas was hiding. Seve would never be so comfortable with people he didn’t know. But...if he could overcome his fears to work in an inn’s kitchen, without Jaime or Nikolas to give him cover, then perhaps he might eventually be able to live in a town or city without needing to hide.
If he could overcome his fears, then maybe there was hope that he and Jaime would be able to live normal lives, and make love again. If he couldn’t...Seve had no idea what that would mean for them.
The farmer dropped them off at the bottom of the lane—from there, it was a quarter-mile walk to their house. Jaime hadn’t said anything since they left Hamer, and barely looked at Seve, though Seve didn’t get the impression it was out of anger. Nikolas wasn’t saying much to them at all. It was all rather awkward.
The house was stuffy from being closed up. Nikolas opened it all up to air, while Seve put the beer away to settle and got the uneaten pies out of the cellar. Jaime sat in the kitchen, eyes closed and uncharacteristically passive, his headache and weariness very obvious.
“
Jaime, go out on the porch, or into the garden. I’ll bring you some cool tea.”
Jaime opened his eyes. “I’m tired,” he murmured.
Seve lifted his hand, then touched his cheek gently, stroking down his jaw. “Why don’t you sleep before supper? You and me. We can eat after dark.”
“
That’s a good idea, Seve.” He looked up. Nikolas was at the door.
“
Too hot to go to bed,” Jaime grumbled.
“
Then the garden. Go on.”
Seve put out his hand. “Come on—it’s cooler out there.”
The garden was indeed cooler, and the bench under the apple tree most inviting. But not a place where they could both have a nap. Seve sat down. “Lie with your head in my lap, Jai.”
“
But you won’t get any rest.”
Seve cupped his cheek. “I slept last night.”
“
All right,” Jaime said with a nod.
He got comfortable very quickly. Seve brushed his hair back from a rather pale cheek—he hoped all the stress Jaime had been under wasn’t going to make him ill. “Sleep, Jai,” he whispered, stroking his fingers gently through the fine, dark hair.
Jaime gave a little sigh and closed his eyes. Seve kept up the careful, steady strokes, thinking they hadn’t done this in a very long time. Not since they left their first temple, when they were much younger and so very much more innocent. He used to sit in the garden in the temple in Egin, and remember being with Jaime. The memories had been a kind of torture—and he’d had no idea how close Jaime had been at the time. He didn’t know now if it would have made it better or worse.
He closed his eyes, and let the cool evening air drift over him. Right now, right here, everything seemed right in his world. But there were so many problems they hadn’t solved, and maybe never would.
When he opened his eyes after a time, and looked around, he saw Nikolas sitting on the porch steps, and it was clear he’d been waiting for Seve to see him, because he came over, bearing two mugs. “I didn’t want to startle you,” he said quietly. “But I thought you might like a cold drink.” He looked down at Jaime who was fast asleep. “I’ll drink his,” he said with a smile.
“
Sit,” Seve suggested, indicating the grass close by his leg, and accepting the cold sweetened tea from Nikolas.
Nikolas sank down, and then, rather to Seve’s surprise and pleasure, sat so he was leaning with his back against Seve’s leg. “Do you mind?” he asked, twisting and looking up.
Seve extended a hand and briefly caressed Nikolas’ cheek. “Not at all.”
Nikolas nuzzled against his fingers, but didn’t encourage the touch more than that. Still afraid of their jealousy, Seve thought, and why wouldn’t he be?
He withdrew his hand, and sipped the cool drink, welcome after a long day’s work and the dusty cart ride. He needed to wash, he knew, but not for a king’s fortune would he disturb Jaime’s sleep, or Nikolas’ easy rest. It gave him a dangerous amount of contentment to have the two of them so close at hand, and he wished, in a wistful way, it could be like this forever. The thought made him run his fingers affectionately through Nikolas’ blond curls, but then he jerked, realising what a liberty it was.
Nikolas looked up, eyes wide and smiling. “I honestly don’t mind, Seve. Unless he does.”
“
I don’t think he does any more.” Seve ran his fingers through Nikolas’ hair again, and wondered at the change in himself, in his attitude to this man, that this could seem such an ordinary thing to do. Such a pleasing thing to do—and it seemed to give Nikolas as much pleasure as it did him. Why was it so easy to touch Nikolas, when Jaime sometimes almost seemed to be behind an iron wall?
He realised the feeling he was experiencing was safety. Together, these two men offered him certainty, protection—sanctuary. Jaime gave him love—Nikolas, friendship. It seemed his time as a god had left him with such a yawning need in his soul that Jaime could no longer be his world. And he suspected the same was true for Jaime. The damage was too great for any one person to heal.
But what could they offer Nikolas? He loved them both, but knew they could never feel as intensely for him as they did for each other. At least, Seve thought that was true, and things were too uncertain and raw with Jaime to examine that too closely. Seve could offer Nikolas some relief from his physical pain, and some company when all else failed—but it seemed a poor return. He’d seen Nikolas at the inn, among friends—even with the pain inside him, he could function in the real world, was well-liked, even loved by other people. Once his hands stopped punishing him for nonexistent crimes, Nikolas would be on his way, free, assured and happy. Seve had nothing to set against that. Jaime might, but Jaime was too honourable to bind Nikolas to them when he could not reciprocate his feelings.
He sighed, and Nikolas looked up. “Something troubling you, Seve?”
“
Just...wishing it could always be this way.” Nikolas glanced at Jaime, then back up at Seve. “I know...I can’t help wishing. I feel happy and content...and at peace...and it’s been such a long time since I’ve felt any of that, at least, all together.”
“
Same here. But I can’t see how I can stay, Seve.”
“
We owe you everything.”
Nikolas shrugged. “It was pure chance that I came into your lives, and now the temple’s rubble, and the thing that brought us together is destroyed, there’s no good reason for me to hang around you both any more.”