“
It doesn’t matter.”
Seve planted his feet firmly, his hands on his hips. “
When
?”
“
You know I fucked him,” Jaime said sullenly. “You saw it for yourself.”
“
Jai—you and I have never lied to each other. If you’re lying to me now, then you’ve lost me. Tell me the truth.
All
of it.”
There was a distant sound of a door slamming—Nikolas leaving. Seve clenched his fist in frustration, and Jaime, perhaps thinking it was aimed at him, moved back a little, his expression now not angry, but closed in and cold. “In the temple. Once. He pretended to be you. I was making love to
you
. Not him. After Bekin...when I was at my weakest, he took advantage. I’m not exactly proud of myself,” he said haughtily. “I wasn’t particularly sane then either. You have no business judging me.”
“
But
you
judge
me
, you judge him,” Seve said, just as coldly. “Is that it?” It was bad enough, but if that was all....
“
When...the night I found him in Hamer...he...took advantage again. Of my weakness. I didn’t ask for it.”
“
Are you saying he raped you?” Seve cried. “I don’t believe you!”
“
Not rape,” Jaime snapped. “But...he took advantage. Like he’s taking advantage of you now. He’s a liar and a traitor. Better he’s gone and gone forever.”
Seve advanced, forcing Jaime to walk backwards. “He took advantage? What, and you’re so bloody helpless? What hold does he have on you? Did he threaten me? Like Minas?”
“
No. He...just...knew I needed something, and he....”
“
Gave it to you? Because you couldn’t get it from me, you got it from him, and now you’re so pusillanimous as to blame
him
? Damn it, Jaime, be a man about it. You think your infidelity smells cleaner because you claim to be a passive victim?”
“
Were you? Did he force you into what I saw?”
“
No,” Seve said, standing straight. “I kissed him because I wanted to and I wanted him to stay. No more than that. No
less
than that. I never fucked him and lied to you about it.”
“
Do you
love
him?”
“
Do you?”
“
No. I hate him,” Jaime spat. “I hate him because we brought him here to help him and he’s done this thing which I can’t forgive.”
“
Hypocrite,” Seve said with a sneer. “Like he said.”
“
What about you? You resist my touch, yet your hands are all over him? How long have you and he been doing this? While you were in his bed? While I’ve been at work?”
“
Now you’re being ridiculous, Jaime.”
Jaime’s head snapped up. Without a word, he turned and stalked back into the house. Infuriated by the injustice of Jaime’s words, Seve knew if he followed him, there would be violence. And though he had no idea if this was the end for them, if it came to blows, then it really would be over.
He went over to the bench under the apple tree, and sat down, suddenly weary and unable to make sense of the least part of it—Nikolas’ kiss, Jaime’s confession, or his own reactions to either. He had no idea why he’d decided the only way to stop Nikolas leaving was to kiss him—it just seemed to make sense at the time. Jaime would say Nikolas had taken advantage of him. It didn’t feel like that to Seve, and though he didn’t like the idea of calling Jaime a liar, he had to doubt the version of events his lover had given him. Jaime had been too ashamed of his behaviour for him not to have been at least partly responsible.
Seve wanted to be angry about the fact Jaime had slept with Nikolas and flat out denied it (though now he seemed to remember he’d only denied fucking him, which was a nice distinction), but all he could feel was confusion, and a sense that things might have changed too far to be mended. Maybe it was fate that Seve was to lose lover and friend at the same time, over the same issue.
He didn’t know how long he sat like that, his emotions in turmoil, his thoughts jumbled, his needs confused and conflicting. The shifting sun, now in his eyes because it had dipped below the fringe of the tree leaves, made him realise it was getting late, and he could hardly stay here all night. He had no appetite for another fight with Jaime, but he knew they couldn’t leave things as they were.
He got up and walked slowly into the house. To his surprise, he found Jaime in the kitchen, just sitting at the table, staring into space—and a pack on the floor next to him. “Are you leaving?” Seve choked out.
“
I need time to think. I can’t do that here.”
“
When will you come back?”
“
When I’ve had time to think.”
“
I’ll make it easy for you. I’ll leave. I contribute nothing, you said so yourself.” He wrapped his arms around himself, suddenly feeling very cold, so very empty and dead inside.
“
Gir Ardin made me an offer today.” Jaime looked at the table as he spoke. “He wants me to take up a post at the university in Jiotiq. Twice the salary, half the duties, and time allocated specifically to research.”
Seve stared—this news was the very last thing he’d expected. Jaime was giving nothing away in his expression. “You’re going to take it. You knew that before you came home, that you were going to leave. So all this confected anger against me, against Nikolas, was just so you could excuse your leaving me?”
“
I need time to
think
, Severin. And this is why I can’t stay here tonight because you want to argue and I need time on my own!”
“
You’ll make this decision without even speaking to me?”
Jaime stood up, picked up his pack. “I need to decide if I’m even interested. Then I’ll discuss it with you. You need to decide if you even want to be with me—or if you prefer Nikolas.”
“
Maybe
you’d
prefer him, since you brought him here.”
“
A mistake I sincerely regret,” he said coldly.
“
I don’t understand, Jai—why hate him because he kissed me, when you and he....”
“
When he and I slept together, you and I were parted.”
“
The first time,” Seve pointed out. “The second time, you scurried to his side because you and I had argued, and then you lied to me. And yet you still brought him here.”
“
I’m not discussing this, Seve. I’ve got to go if I’m to get a bed for the night at the academy.”
“
If you leave, you won’t come back, I know you won’t.”
Jaime set the pack on the table and looked up at him. “Do you ever think that maybe this relationship can’t really exist in the real world, Seve? You and I, we know so little of how it works, knew so little of other people. We were thrown together, almost as if it was designed to make us fall in love. As soon as we leave the temple, it stops working. As soon as temptation crosses our path....”
“
So you just give up.”
“
For four years, all that sustained me was the faint hope we would be together again, and memories of being with you,” he said, his voice dull and quiet. “All that kept me alive was my love for you. Now we’re free and...I...just don’t know if that’s enough any more. I...will always love you. But Nikolas wouldn’t have been able to drive a wedge between us if we’d been happy.”
“
The only wedge is the one you’ve created.”
Jaime shrugged and picked up his pack. “If you say so.” He started to walk away.
“
Wait! Jai, please...just stay tonight?”
His lover hesitated, then shook his head. “No. If I stay, we’ll argue, and nothing will be gained.”
Seve threw up his hands. “Fine. Run off to your job and your future and ignore my wishes. No doubt you’ll blame me for this, when you come to tell your new lover about your failed old one.” He turned around, and then heard Jaime’s quiet footsteps leave the kitchen and go down the hall. When he heard the front door open and close, he let out a quiet scream of raw pain. This was much worse than being in Minas’ hands. Because now it was the man he loved hurting him, not that old pervert.
Only Jaime could make his heart ache like this.
~~~~~~~~
He sat in the kitchen for a long time, staring sightlessly at the table, paralysed by not knowing how to fix the situation, or how to make Jaime understand that whatever had happened with Nikolas—on either side—the only person he wanted was Jaime, and he always would be. It was almost as if Jaime had seized the chance to shed himself of an unwanted burden, and if this had not come up, any other excuse might have done.
A breeze through the window caught his attention. The sun was setting, and he had only a lonely night—perhaps a lonely life—to look forward to. His eyes fell on the knife block, and briefly he considered doing what he so nearly had done weeks ago. If Jaime hadn’t stopped him, he’d have spared himself so much pain—and Jaime too. But those weeks had been good, almost happy...no, they
had
been happy, despite the problems. But now that was gone.
He walked over to the sideboard, picked out the longest, the sharpest knife from the block, and hefted it in his hands. One deep, sure thrust, and all his sorrows would be over. One deep sure thrust and he would never see Jaime again. Or Nikolas. Or his garden.
He shoved the knife back. No. He was sick of this, sick of being a passive victim of other people’s choices, and sick of being isolated and abandoned. He would go to Jaime and make him see sense, and he wouldn’t leave until he had. There was still a couple of hours of usable light left—plenty of time to walk to Hamer, find him, and demand that Jaime not shut him out. Show him that he, Seve, was still worth having as a lover, and...somehow...they would find an answer. But they wouldn’t find an answer this way.
He quickly cleared up, put the pies which no one would now eat into the cold cellar and the bread into the bread bin, then found the little pot where Jaime kept coins to pay for the produce from the farm as they needed it. Seve had never used money, and had no idea whether the handful of metal in his hand now was enough to buy a meal, or a room for the night, or anything at all. But it was all the money he had, so he took it, packed a bit of cheese, the end of the last loaf, and a canteen of water, then shouldered his pack and picked up a travelling lamp. One last check that the house was tidy and secure, then he opened the front door and stepped out.
The roads were quiet—most traders having already departed the city, and other honest citizens already at home and eating their suppers—so there was nothing to challenge Seve’s determination almost until he reached the heart of the town. There, he found people aplenty, and seeing so many strangers, their faces shadowed in the twilight, he found his courage deserting him.
Jaime
, he told himself firmly. Jaime was worth any amount of trouble. Besides—he’d come to this place before and nothing had happened to him. He straightened up, adopted his most carefree demeanour, and pretended his heart wasn’t in his mouth and his knees shaking like a new-born colt’s. He could see the tall white shape of the academy, and headed there as if he did it every day, and wasn’t terrified.
But all his resolution came to naught, because he found the doors of the building were closed. He knocked for a good long time before a caretaker eventually came and opened a small hatch in the door. “Master Jaime? He’s not here, sir, the academy is closed for the evening.”
“
He said he was staying here,” Seve said, beginning to be rather panicky.
“
No one stays here at night ‘cept me, sir. He probably meant he was staying with one of the teachers.”
“
Do you have any idea who?”
The man shook his head. “No sir. Master Jaime don’t talk much to people. Not to the likes of me for sure. He’s here tomorrow—shall I give him a message?”
“
No...no. Don’t mention I was here at all. It’s not important.”
“
Right you are, sir. Good night.”
The caretaker shut the hutch, leaving Seve alone and suddenly without a plan. There was still light in the sky—he
might
make it back before dark, and if he was sensible, that was indeed what he should do.
He didn’t feel remotely sensible. He looked desperately around him, trying to get his bearings, seeking inspiration—and found it. Across the market square, he recognised the house of the healers, and thus the little park where he’d had a drink with Nikolas that day was close by. Was the inn where Nikolas had obtained the beer the same one where he’d been staying? Seve didn’t dare find Jaap Ekinze’s shop to ask him—the old man would kill him outright for what they’d done to his boy.