He finished his drink, his eyes on Nikolas, his thoughts turned inwards, and on the night before, the humiliation fresh as when he’d first experienced it. Was there no answer to this? Perhaps he could try some of Nikolas’ drugs—they dulled sensation, as he knew, perhaps they would make his fear die enough that he could allow Jaime to....
And then his mind just seized up, because when he thought of the things Jaime could do, the face before him wasn’t his lover’s but that of Minas. Bile rose chokingly, and he closed his eyes against the pain.
“
Seve?”
He opened his eyes—Nikolas, crouching close, peering at him worriedly. “‘S nothing,” Seve muttered.
“
Yes, it looks like.” Nikolas stood and held out his hand. “Come sit out under the tree. It’s cooler.”
He allowed himself to be pulled up, and led to the bench under the apple tree. His favourite place. The only place where he felt himself completely at peace, and not failing anyone’s expectations. The trees never judged him.
As soon as he sat, Nikolas turned to him. “Won’t you tell me what’s bothering you? You know all my demons now, you can’t think I’d be shocked.”
“
No. It’s trying to choose which of my many problems to speak of,” Seve said dryly.
“
Is it Jaime?”
Seve shook his head. “No, me. Always me.”
Nikolas tilted his head. “I doubt that. If you want to talk, I’ll listen.”
“
I can’t. Because it’s about Jaime and me...and you don’t want to listen to that.”
“
The fact you two have a relationship must be the world’s worst kept secret, Severin.” Seve smiled despite himself. “Is it...sex? Forgive me, last night I heard...what you probably didn’t want me to hear.”
Seve flushed. “How much?”
“
Not much,” Nikolas said. “If it helps...Jaime told me back in the palace that...you and he were, um....”
“
What did he say?” Seve said, heat rising in his cheeks, and mortified that Nikolas knew about his and Jaime’s shameful secret.
“
Only what was no surprise to me,” Nikolas said quietly, laying a hand on his arm to calm him. “That...making love...was bringing memories back and stopping you doing what you wanted to do. That’s still the problem?”
Seve nodded miserably. “I
want
to want him. He’s Jaime! I love him more than I have skill to express, but my body...is indifferent. His is not. The more I turn him down, the more...he....” He bit his lip.
“
But it’s not just you, you know that, don’t you?”
Seve stared. “What do you know of this?”
Nikolas looked out over the garden, not meeting his gaze. “When we were in the temple, you know—of course you know better than anyone—that Jaime had to feign desire for the surrogates. But he could only do that by tying a cord around the base of his prick, and he never came. He told me that he’d not been able to do that in the entire time he was there, not even in private and with his own hand. It’s not only your desires which were killed, Seve. Minas didn’t just cripple
your
ability to make love.”
Seve clenched his jaw. “It’s more than that,” he whispered. “Jaime’s part of the problem. Because
he
was the one...he was there. I see him, I see Minas. His hand, Minas’ hand—they become one. And then I freeze and push him away,” he finished shamefacedly. “It makes no difference what he does—whether he’s patient or angry. I can’t seem to make my body, my mind, cooperate.” He hesitated, then said, “I thought...maybe, you could help?”
Nikolas frowned. “How?”
“
The drugs...could you let me have some of them?”
“
Seve, no!”
He drew away on the bench, feeling like all kinds of a fool. “I’ve offended,” he said stiffly. “My apologies.” He worked his jaw. “The sun’s cooler. I’m going to do some....”
“
Seve.” Nikolas gripped his forearm and made Seve face him. “I’m
not
offended. But you hate the drugs. Why on earth would you want to use them?”
Damn it, he would not weep. He
would
not. “I...if I could...be braver? Just once or twice? Nikolas, I’m losing him,” he whispered. “I’m losing him and I can’t bear it.”
His vision blurred, and despite his intentions, his chest tightened as shameful hot tears crept out, however much he squeezed his eyes shut, or scrubbed angrily at them. “I’d rather be dead than without him. I should be dead.”
“
No, no you shouldn’t.” He felt Nikolas’ arm go around his shoulders, and without thinking, he turned to bury his face against Nikolas’ neck, needing something—anything—to take some of this unbearable agony, this unending shame, away from him. He was no longer a man, no longer the object of anyone’s need or desire. Minas had won, and he was nothing but the empty vessel for an evil god’s evil will.
“
Hush, Seve,” Nikolas murmured. “You’ve done nothing to be ashamed of,” and then Seve realised he’d been babbling out loud, which only made it
worse
.
He struggled to get free so he could flee and hide his embarrassment, but he’d forgotten that Nikolas’ wiry frame had more than enough strength to keep hold of him, and his friend wasn’t letting him go. “Nikolas, please....”
“
No. Stay here, face it. Let me help.”
“
You
can’t
! Why would you? You can have him then!”
He found himself jerked back, held at arm’s length by a man whose eyes glittered with anger. “You think I’d go after Jaime if he lost you? Over
this
? You think I
want
this suffering for you?” He shook Seve really hard. “Damn it, do you?”
“
I don’t know what I know anymore,” Seve whispered. “Help me, Nikolas.”
Nikolas drew him close, and wrapped his arms around him again. “Whatever you need, Seve. Whatever you need.” Seve hid his face against Nikolas’ shoulder, and cried tears of pain, tears of shame onto Nikolas’ forgiving shirt, as Nikolas stroked his back and murmured meaningless, soothing sounds of comfort, like he was a foolish child and not a grown man. But then perhaps he was no better than a child, for a man would face his fears and not let them rule him so.
He fisted Nikolas’ shirt. Why did his enemy offer him comfort when he should rejoice? Seve’s failure was Nikolas’ triumph, whatever he said. “Why?” he cried. “Why not just leave me to it? Let me twist on my own rope?”
“
Because your rope is my rope, and ours. Seve, I couldn’t wish you in pain, I....”
Nikolas went very still. Seve lifted his head, drew back. “You...?”
“
Nothing. I don’t want you hurt,” he said gruffly, rubbing Seve’s arm a little. “Jaime will wait for you. Anyone would. Your worth isn’t measured by your cock, or what it does.”
Seve sat up, rubbed his face, wished he could disappear off the face of the earth. “Uh...do you...have problems?”
“
Take your pick,” Nikolas said wryly. “But yes. Another reason you don’t need to be afraid me, Seve. I...tried...when I came home, to lose myself in sex, but I found that any man who laid a hand on me...terrified me. The women are easier. And kinder,” he added, his mouth twisting unhappily.
“
I have no interest in women. Never had a chance to develop it.”
“
No, I suppose not,” Nikolas agreed.
“
But...I don’t frighten you. Not any more.”
“
No, not any more,” Nikolas agreed quietly, an odd look in his eyes. “And I really don’t want to see you harmed.” He took Seve’s hands in his. “Look—every day I place my hands, the means of my living, my independence, in yours. You could cripple me easily, crush them, break them....”
“
I’d never!” Seve exclaimed, horrified.
“
No. Nor I.” Nikolas wouldn’t meet his gaze. “It’d be easier to harm myself, than either of you.”
“
Jaime, I understand...but me...Nikolas, I’m nothing to you, except what I mean to Jaime. You know that’s true.”
Nikolas pulled his hands away. “Believe what you like, Severin.” A muscle jumped in his jaw. “We should get to work.”
He started to rise, but Seve grabbed his shirt, then stood himself, dragging Nikolas close to him. “What are you not telling me?” he demanded quietly. “Nikolas, look at me.”
With a mutinous glare, Nikolas obeyed. “Don’t ask questions you don’t want answers to, Seve. Let me go.”
“
No. What answers do I not want?”
Nikolas struggled, but, annoyed, Seve hung on. “Damn you! Don’t think I won’t strike you, Seve.”
“
Answer the question then.”
Nikolas glared even more fiercely, started to say something, then shook his head. “No. This situation is stupid enough as it is.”
“
This situation?” Seve was lost. What was he talking about? “Jaime and me?”
“
No, damn it.” Then, to Seve’s utter shock, Nikolas grabbed the front of his shirt, dragged him forward, and kissed him on the lips, before pushing him back and glaring as if he expected to be struck, but wasn’t afraid to take his medicine.
Seve blinked, put his finger to his lips where Nikolas’ warm ones had touched them. “Me? Why?”
“
How do I know? I didn’t know the first time, let alone now.” He sagged. “I’m sorry. I’ll go. I shouldn’t have done that.” He started to walk off, and when Seve seized his arm to stop him, he pried at Seve’s fingers. “No. It’s over, Seve. I should have left when I started to feel this way. This is impossible.”
“
But wait! Can’t you even...stop and talk to me about it? Am I not owed that much? Nikolas, please!”
Desperate, and confused, he jerked Nikolas close to him and without giving him a chance to argue, bent and firmly kissed him, Seve’s arms going determinedly around him. All rational thoughts had fled, save this one—he did not want Nikolas to leave like this.
“
Seve! Nikolas!”
They jerked apart, and in horror, Seve saw Jaime standing on the porch, hands clenched in fists at his side, his face pale with anger. “Get out! Get out of my house, Nikolas, before I kill you with my bare hands!”
“
Jaime, wait!” Seve cried. Nikolas was already moving away, avoiding both their gazes. “Nikolas, stop!”
“
Let him go,” Jaime snapped. “You—get out, and never come near either of us again!”
“
Jaime, it’s not Seve’s fault,” Nikolas said, keeping a cautious distance from Seve’s furious lover.
“
We’ll see. Be gone, Nikolas. You’re not wanted here. To think we gave you sanctuary, and this is how you repaid us. Me.”
Nikolas straightened. “All right, I’ll go. But don’t be such a vile hypocrite, Jaime.”
The two men glared, Jaime relenting not all, until Nikolas walked inside, still keeping out of Jaime’s reach, and casting a last regretful glance in Seve’s direction.
Then Jaime turned his enraged stare at Seve. “How could you?”
“
Jai, it’s not what you think—you can’t let him leave.”
“
I can and I will, and if you go after him, you can stay away too!”
Seve drew himself up. “Since when is this
your
house alone?”
“
When you started screwing the guests! Is this why you can’t bear my hands on you?”
“
No! Don’t be so ridiculous! Nikolas....”
“
Don’t say his name again,” Jaime growled, high spots of colour in his cheeks. “He no longer exists in my world.”
“
Then neither do I, because he’s my friend and yours too! We can’t let him leave!”
Seve tried to get past him, but Jaime pushed him back. “No.”
“
Will you hit me? Will you knock me down, Jaime? In my own home? Will you be my Minas?”
Jaime hissed in rage. “You
kissed
him!”
“
I...he kissed me first...but only because...damn you, I was
trying
to talk to him. All he’s done is fall in love with me same as he did you. If it’s not a crime when he loves you, why is it a crime to love me?”
“
I
never kissed him in our house!”
“
No, but you slept with him, and not just in the temple.” Jaime’s eyes suddenly became shifty. “You did more than kiss him, didn’t you,” Seve said, guessing suddenly, and Jaime’s expression gave it away. “When?”