“
Not chance,” Seve heard a murmured voice say. He jerked a little, until he realised Jaime was awake, one sleepy eye open as he looked at Nikolas. “Fate. Meant to be. I want you to stay too.”
Jaime reached out a hand, and touched Nikolas’ cheek. Nikolas leaned in and allowed the caress, his eyes closed in pleasure. Seve waited for the painful stab of jealousy—but it never came. Jaime’s action seemed as natural as his own a few minutes before, and when he put his hand back on Nikolas’ head, and rubbed a little, that too brought his friend pleasure. There was so much joy to be had in being the one to give this gift, he thought. If only it was this easy between him and Jaime—at least, this easy all the time.
“
How’s your headache?” Nikolas asked Jaime.
Jaime yawned. “Better. S’nice here.”
Nikolas smiled. “Yes. Yes it is. Seve, is there any reason your wonderful pies can’t be eaten out here?”
“
No, not at all.”
Nikolas climbed to his feet. “Then let me attend you, my lords,” he said, making a deep and ironic bow. “No, don’t get up. I’ll sort it out.” He collected the empty mugs and walked back inside.
Seve looked down. “How much did you hear?”
“
Um...most? I wasn’t annoyed, Seve.”
He still seemed rather sleepy, but relaxed with it. Seve cupped his cheek and stroked it with his thumb. Jaime was beautiful, even all rumpled from a nap, and Seve fell in love with him all over again, just a little, looking at him. Why couldn’t this affection be turned into the desire that used to be between them? It was like Minas had cut that ability out of him. Sex was just nothing to do with him any more, or so it felt like. And yet, if he could want anyone, it would be Jaime, no question. Who could not want him?
“
Jai...I really want to fix this between us. I’m so frightened you’ll leave me again. I can’t...I can’t think with that hanging over me.”
Jaime sat up slowly, rubbed his eyes. It was obvious he still had some of his headache. “Sometimes I need to be alone, Seve. But I was going to come back.”
“
When?”
“
When I could. It was wrong of me to leave you alone. But....” He gave a little helpless shrug. “I’m not perfect. I get jealous and angry and threatened and frightened, same as any other man. Same as you.”
Seve bent forward and kissed him, as Jaime’s arms came around him and held him close. Seve was aware he must stink of the kitchen work and of sweat, but fastidious as he knew Jaime to be, he didn’t pull back or object. “Jai—how can we fix this? It’s not that I don’t want to. I want to be able to make love to you. But I just can’t seem to make myself want it. It’s like I feel dead inside.”
Jaime ran his fingers through Seve’s hair and was silent for a few moments. “I felt like that in the temple. If you think I enjoyed fucking any of those men—even Nikolas—you’re wrong. It got so bad it made me physically sick to think about sex.”
“
So what changed?” Seve knew the answer. He wanted to know if Jaime would—or could—admit it.
Jaime pursed his lips, then took Seve’s hand. “Don’t be jealous?” Seve shook his head. “It was Nikolas—just the once, I swear, like I told you. He...reminded me of how it could be when it wasn’t forced, or an obligation, when it was tender and gentle and kind. Like it was with you. That’s what I don’t understand, Seve love—you don’t need someone to remind you of me, because I’m here.”
“
That’s the problem.”
Jaime blinked, then shifted away slightly. Seve’s heart sank—his lover was going to be hurt, offended, but if he never told him the truth, they would never fix this. “Explain?”
“
When I see you...I see him.”
He held his breath, as Jaime’s severe face became even more cold and haughty.
Please, Jai...try to understand,
he begged, but he said nothing. Right now, anything he said could be fatal.
As he waited, heart in his throat, Jaime’s expression slowly softened. “Because he made you watch?”
“
Because he was touching me while he made me watch. He tied the two things together in my head. And now when you...put your hand on me, I only see him,” he whispered. “I’m so sorry, Jai.”
Jaime put his hand on Seve’s shoulder, and looked into his eyes. “You’re not doing it,” he said. “But it doesn’t sound like something that we can fix.”
Seve nodded miserably. “It’s so unfair on you....”
“
It’s unfair to both of us and always was. But I won’t let Minas drive us apart. If we have to live without sex, then we live without sex. Now I know what’s going on, I understand. It doesn’t hurt so much.”
He pulled Seve close, and Seve was glad to be held, to be loved. But in his heart, he had to wonder—was it possible? When they’d had such a good love-life, had enjoyed it so much...to be chaste forever? For himself, he didn’t mind, at least not now. But Jaime was different. Jaime could make love, he knew that—and he didn’t need Seve to be there.
They comforted each other with their bodies because words were inadequate, and Seve desperately wished this would never change—that they would always be content to just be with each other, to know the other was close and not ever going to leave. But he knew, in his deepest heart, this couldn’t be, and he didn’t know what he would do when it all fell apart.
~~~~~~~~
“
Well now, this is a feast fit for a king.”
Jaime lifted his head and did his best to smile at Nikolas, who was walking down the path, a huge tray burdened with food and plates in his hands. Jaime got up and helped Nikolas bring the thing over, relieving it of the mugs of beer. “Where did you get this?” Jaime asked. He couldn’t recall ever seeing this tray. It was rather ugly, dark carved wood with nothing to redeem it other than it was big enough to carry food for half a dozen people.
“
Oh, it was in the cellar, at the back. I just gave it a wash.” Nikolas was being cheerful, apparently not having noticed Jaime and Seve’s sombre mood—but Nikolas missed nothing, Jaime knew that. He was giving them privacy, and Jaime very much appreciated that tact.
They set the heavy wooden tray down on the grass. The food did indeed look a magnificent feast, and though Jaime wasn’t particularly hungry, he could appreciate the quality of the pies and the bread, and the fresh butter and fruit. Nikolas handed him a mug of beer. “Good for what ails you,” he said.
Jaime wasn’t that fond of beer—Seve liked it, Jaime didn’t really care for alcohol at all—but to show willing, he hefted it and took a slurp. It wasn’t as sour as some he’d tried—it was rather good. Seve smiled. “Hamer’s finest brew,” he pronounced solemnly, and Nikolas grinned. A private joke. Jaime felt rather wistful about that.
“
It’s nice,” he said politely.
“
Better with food,” Nikolas said. “Now, tuck in.”
The beer
was
better with food, and the food was very well-made—since Nikolas had come to stay, Seve’s already excellent cooking had improved and become more adventurous. Seve had benefited in so many ways from Nikolas being here—and Jaime could hardly claim he’d suffered. No, if it weren’t for the thorny question of who loved whom and when and how, they could all live very happily together almost indefinitely—that was, if they completely ignored Nikolas’ right to his own life, and Jaime and Seve’s nonexistent sexual relations, and the inconvenient offer of a job in another country, Jaime thought wryly.
The other two had a better appetite than he did, but the beer encouraged him to eat more than he would have, and the food seemed to be having an effect on his headache. By the time he’d swept the last crumbs of the bread from his plate for the little yellow and brown birds pecking hopefully around them, looking for a last meal before the sun disappeared, Jaime felt full, calmer, and a lot less irritated with life. When Nikolas suggested another mug of beer, Jaime didn’t refuse, and he stretched out on the grass, mug in hand, his back against the bench, Seve idly playing with his hair. It was times like this that made it very, very clear to him that they were irrevocably free from the temple, if not the temple’s effects.
The sun was going down, but it was still light enough to see easily, and none of them were keen to go back into the house while it was still so warm. Nikolas collected the plates and mugs and implements together, intending to take them in, but Seve stopped him. “Allow me—I want to have a wash. I smell.”
“
Now that you mention it,” Nikolas joked, and grinned as Seve lightly cuffed him. “I’ll stand guard over Jaime while you get clean.” Jaime growled at him for the comment—Nikolas only grinned more widely.
He took Seve’s place on the bench, and Jaime moved closer to lean against his leg, needing to show his apology for the unkind words and rejection of the day before. Nikolas laid his hand gently on Jaime’s shoulder. “How do you feel?”
“
Almost normal. You were right. I should never have run off like that. Nikolas...I need your help, but it’s a very personal thing.”
“
To do with Seve?”
“
Yes. It’s...uh...to do with...sex.” He flushed, which was ridiculous considering the history between them. After all, he’d fucked Nikolas a dozen times or more, and there were no real secrets between them now. “Has...Seve said anything...uh...about us?” He was rather glad he couldn’t see his friend’s face.
Nikolas rubbed his shoulder comfortingly. “He said...what you said before...about memories getting in the way of you making love. Only to be expected, I think.”
“
Did he tell you I remind him of Minas?”
“
Yes.”
Jaime clenched his jaw. “How can I overcome that? If Minas being dead doesn’t help, what can I do?”
Nikolas moved his hand, and combed his fingers gently through Jaime’s hair. “There’s patience, and kindness, and you two have already broken down some of the barriers.”
“
Not
this
. This, we can’t destroy. Nikolas—I don’t want it that I can make love to you, but not him.”
Nikolas’ careful carding of his hair paused briefly, then continued. “You never actually made love
to
me, but I understand what you mean.” Jaime realised he’d been rather mean-spirited, and regretted that, but Nikolas went on. “Somehow you have to persuade his mind—not
him
—that your presence doesn’t mean pain or humiliation or sorrow. You have to give him new memories.”
Jaime twisted to look up at him. “But
how
?” he cried. “We can never even start to.”
Nikolas brushed his hand along Jaime’s cheek. “The only thing I can suggest, the only thing I can try, would mean putting myself in your bedroom, and I don’t think you’d like that. You’d probably think I was just taking advantage again,” he added bitterly.
The hurt in his voice stung Jaime to the quick—he’d been grossly unfair to Nikolas, and cruel. He turned around, and laid his head on Nikolas’ knee in apology. “You didn’t. I’m sorry. And whatever you want to suggest, I’ll listen to.”
“
Jaime, I’m not an authority on such things. I just know what worked for you—giving you new, different memories, trying what no one else had bothered to. If we offer Seve a new experience, something that doesn’t fall into old patterns, then it might be enough to get him thinking in a new way.” Nikolas’ eyes were sad. “Don’t imagine it won’t be pain as much as pleasure to make love to the pair of you, knowing...what I know.”
“
You...would be with us?”
“
At least the once. Seve would have to agree, and it could all go terribly wrong.”
“
Have you ever...?” Jaime flushed again. He could have discussed this quite calmly, if it weren’t
Nikolas’
sex life. He felt like a pervert for asking.
But Nikolas was quite matter-of-fact about it. “Three in a bed? Yes, several times. Once with a man and a woman, once with two men, and a few occasions with two women.”
The casual way he said this made Jaime blink. “You must have had a
lot
of sex.”
Nikolas grinned. “It’s one of life’s great pleasures—it used to be. At least I have that experience to go on. But it’s only one idea, Jaime. You could give it more time.”
That was an option, he knew, and part of him couldn’t help reacting protectively at the idea of Nikolas—warm, funny and so very gentle Nikolas—touching Seve and maybe convincing him that Jaime wasn’t all there was in life. But part of him also wondered if
this
had been what Seve had instinctively been seeking, the answer that he wanted. “I’m prepared to try,” he said firmly. “But Seve will have to agree.”
“
Of course he will,” Nikolas said, shaking his head a little at him. “It has to be his choice. No pressure, Jaime. It’s too important.”