He dozed again, and woke as Nikolas moved, rolling over and disturbing him. It seemed Jaime wasn’t the only one confused momentarily by where he was. He looked blearily at Jaime. “Um....”
“
It’s all right. You’re supposed to be here,” Jaime said, quickly moving in and kissing Nikolas’ cheek. “Remember?”
“
Oh yes.” Nikolas slung his arm around him, moved closer, then hesitated. “May I...kiss you?”
Jaime smiled, and made the invitation clear. Nikolas felt so right against him—but then, they had spent months together, were used to each other, and how they moved and reacted. He’d missed sleeping with Nikolas so very much.
“
Can’t leave you two alone for a minute,” Seve’s voice rumbled, and then his brawny arm reached over Nikolas, so his hand could scritch in Jaime’s hair. “No fair—kissing while I’m asleep.”
“
But if you’re asleep, you won’t care,” Nikolas said, twisting so he was flat between them.
Seve kissed his cheek, caressing it briefly, then he leaned over and gave Jaime a proper kiss on the lips, tongue and all. It had been a while since Jaime had been woken up so pleasurably. It had been a very long time indeed since he’d woken and felt so carefree and happy and at peace.
They lay in silence for some time, just holding each other, stroking what skin they could easily reach, kisses bestowed as seemed easy and natural. It was like they were a single being, no boundaries, and to touch Seve was to touch Nikolas was to touch himself. Even their breathing seemed to be as one. It was very strange to Jaime that this was so, and very wonderful.
But they couldn’t lie like this all day. Nikolas stirred. “I need to relieve myself,” he said ruefully. “How about I bring breakfast in?”
“
You don’t need to wait on us,” Seve said.
“
I need to eat as well. I won’t be long,” he said, kissing each of them in turn, then climbing off the bed and giving Jaime a nice view of Nikolas’ tight buttocks and long back, which was much appreciated.
Seve claimed him immediately, with a kiss to the forehead and then on the lips. “How do you feel, runt?” he asked quietly, brushing strands of Jaime’s hair back from his forehead.
“
Content. More than I would have dreamed. And you?”
“
Like I’m complete again, at last. I never thought there could be room in my heart for another, but I find there is—yet I love you more than ever. Isn’t that odd?”
Jaime curled his hand around Seve’s, and kissed it. “Yes. Seve—I don’t feel for him what I feel for you. But I feel...something very strong, something undeniable.” He stared into Seve’s eyes. “Is that enough for him? Is it right?”
“
Only he can decide that, Jai. But it seemed to me that Nikolas was completely happy last night for the first time since we got him out of the temple. We could hurt him very much though—and he could hurt us. We can’t take it for granted.”
“
I don’t do that,” Jaime said firmly. “Seve love—you and me. Do you think...we can, without him? Do I still remind you of Minas?”
Seve laid his cheek against Jaime’s, his hand coming around to cup Jaime’s head. “No,” he whispered. “I mean—yes, it will always be there, in a way, what happened. But now I know I
can
come, and I can watch you and touch you without fear, then I can remember that. I don’t suppose it’ll be easy, but I never thought last night would happen at all. So if it was possible, then in time, I think the rest of it will be. But I need time, Jaime. More time.”
“
Yes, I know,” Jaime said.
“
And you won’t take that post?”
“
No, I won’t. This is our home, and here I’ll stay.”
“
With Nikolas?” Seve asked carefully.
“
If he wants. It has to be his choice. A man like him could have many people to love him, and many futures.”
Or none, Jaime thought. If they weren’t careful, Nikolas could end up worse than he was when they’d first rescued him. That could not be allowed to happen.
Nikolas was longer than Jaime thought the task of cutting and buttering bread and making tea should have taken him, and he suspected his friend was once again being tactful. No one could accuse Nikolas of not respecting their relationship, that was for sure.
Finally Nikolas came back in, now dressed in clean trousers and carrying the wooden tray he’d used the night before. Jaime’s stomach rumbled—he was starving, which was odd for him as he never had much of an appetite. But this morning he was ravenous, and it looked like he wasn’t the only one, since there seemed to be a whole loaf of bread sliced and buttered on the tray. Nikolas saw his look. “I’m hungry?” he explained, looking a little embarrassed.
Seve reached over and patted his cheek. “You need to eat. Gerde was very cross about you. So get on with it.”
Nikolas rolled his eyes, but sat cross-legged on the bed, and fell to. He seemed calm, but a little preoccupied. Jaime watched him as he ate, wondering what was bothering him. Seve just seemed content to eat, one arm around Jaime. Every so often, he leaned over to offer Nikolas a bite of preserve-covered bread, much to Nikolas’ amusement. “I feel like a pet,” he complained.
“
You are. Maybe a leash, and a collar with a bell on it, so we don’t lose you.”
“
Going a bit far, Seve love,” Jaime said. Nikolas smiled, but it didn’t quite reach his eyes. “Nikolas—what’s wrong?”
Nikolas dusted his hands on his trousers, took a sip of tea, then set the mug down on the tray. “Jaime—I know what I said last night, but I can’t stay here. I’m sorry.”
Seve’s arm tightened around Jaime. “Why? You promised, Nikolas.” Jaime could feel the tension in his lover’s body, as in his own. The sick taste of betrayal was rising in his gorge.
“
Yes, I did, and in here,” he said, touching his chest over his heart, “I’ll never leave you. But...you two need privacy to talk, to decide if and how I fit in with you, and to try and sort out all the things you’ve been avoiding. As do I.” He stared at Seve. “Healer Karel was right. It’s in my head, and I think I’ve got more of an idea what’s going on, but when I’m with you two, I can only think of you. It’s not an answer, it’s a delay. A wonderful, healing delay, but I’m not getting on with my life.”
Jaime had to admit this made sense, though the idea of Nikolas leaving hurt more than he would have believed. “But what will you do? Can you work again?”
“
I think so, but something else has come up. Yesterday, while Seve was at the inn, I went to see my father. The last he’d heard was that my hands were improving, which they are, no doubt, so he had a proposal for me. Lord Guider’s daughter is going to be wed to a lord’s son in Bezeinit. It’s going to be a grand affair as you can imagine, and one of the wedding gifts is a mechanical toy—some fanciful scene, I believe, with birds and singing cows and the like. A friend of my father made it, but Lord Guider wants someone to go with the wedding party and make sure it’s installed correctly. The friend wanted my father or one of my brothers to go, since he can’t manage the travel himself. Father asked if I could instead, since I’m the best of the four of us at that kind of mechanism. I already said I would.”
“
When?” Seve asked hoarsely.
Nikolas twisted his hands, clearly distressed. “Next week. See, I thought...you and Jaime...well, you know what I thought, Seve. I’m sorry.”
“
But you don’t have to go now,” Jaime said. “One of your brothers can.”
But Nikolas shook his head. “I already agreed. Besides, Piet’s got a baby on the way, and his wife’s been unwell already, and Jorge is so busy, and Father’s getting too old for such a thing....”
“
How long?” Jaime asked, knowing they had already lost this argument.
“
Four months,” Nikolas said, barely above a whisper.
“
Why so long! It doesn’t take four months to travel there and back,” Seve cried.
“
It’s a three week journey to and from, and it’ll be another two weeks’ travel after we arrive. The thing’s going to be on display for some time, and while I’m there, I’ll be in charge of other devices and gifts. It’s by Lord Guider’s order,” he said with a shrug.
Four months.... It wasn’t so bad. “Seve, he needs to do this,” Jaime said, turning to look at his lover with as much calmness as he could muster. “It’s a chance for Nikolas to make his name, and strike out on his own. We can’t put barriers in his way.”
“
But...what if you’re lost at sea?” Seve whispered.
“
Well, I’d be very put out if that happened,” Nikolas joked. “It’s a risk, no doubt, but sailors do it all the time. Seve...I need this. I need this time.”
“
And the bad dreams? Who will hold you in the night when you cry out?”
Nikolas wrapped his arms around himself, looking miserable. “Until I can manage on my own, I can’t be with you as an equal. I’m not a pet.”
Seve made a sound of distress. Enough was enough, Jaime thought. He got up, and moved the tray from the bed, then took hold of Nikolas’ arm and insisted he come over where Jaime and Seve could hold him. “You’re
not
a pet,” Jaime said, as Seve tucked Nikolas firmly against him, clearly intending not to let him go until this was resolved. “You’re our friend, and loved, and we’re worried about you. We all have our wounds. Your nightmares make no difference to me.”
“
Or me,” Seve said. “Why don’t...?” He heaved a deep breath. “I...could go with you. Hold you at night.”
“
Oh, Seve,” Nikolas murmured, burying his face against Seve’s chest as Jaime stared at his lover. “No, you can’t. Jaime needs you more than I do.”
“
But...if that’s the reason you’re running away, I don’t want you to. Nikolas, I need you too. We both do. Please don’t go.”
Jaime kept silent. In Nikolas’ place, he would make the same decision. But he felt as Seve did—he didn’t want Nikolas to leave.
“
Seve...when I came to Hamer, I was lost. Afraid, lonely—alone. I felt...no one would want me, or love me, or need me.” Nikolas lifted his head, glanced at Jaime, then up at Seve. “Now I know I’m wanted, and loved and needed. I still have the nightmares, but my hands are so much better, and I know how to treat them if there’s an attack. I’m getting better, as are you. But I need to prove to myself that I can manage on my own, even if,” and he smiled, “I don’t have to.”
“
Will you come back?” Jaime asked, laying his head on Nikolas’ shoulder.
“
Of course. As to whether I
stay
, depends on what you two talk about and decide when I come back. I might be lost at sea, this is true—but that’s the only thing that will keep me from you.”
Seve grimaced, and held Nikolas tighter, but that he didn’t argue, told Jaime that Nikolas had won the point. In a perfect world, Nikolas wouldn’t need to leave. In a perfect world, Nikolas would have never been part of their lives. “Then go with my blessing...and my love,” Jaime said quietly. Nikolas turned, wide-eyed. Jaime tugged him close, and kissed him. “Then come back, because we want you to.”
“
I swear. I only break my promise for a little while.”
“
No, you said you’d never leave us in your heart. That’s enough. Seve? Can you wish him well?”
Seve’s jaw worked, but then he nodded. “It hurts, but it’s what needs to be. But if you die on this journey, Nikolas Ekinze, I swear I’ll find you in the next life and beat you to a pulp.”
Nikolas grinned, though his eyes were sad. “I think Mother Pir would take a dim view of that. I have no intention of dying.”
“
Do you have to leave right away?” Jaime asked.
“
No. I can stay until you go back to work, and then I’ll have to go to Hamer to discuss matters and be trained on this thing. Father said it was a chance to learn the Bezeini methods. They’re becoming the fashion, and if I want to get established here, I need to keep up. My uncle and his family are moving north, finally. Father wants to expand his shop, and if I want a place, then it’s mine. But I have to prove my value. I want to. I don’t want to be a burden on anyone.”
“
You never would be,” Jaime said. “Then, we have three days to ourselves, and we can give them all to you. I won’t lift a pen or open a book, or even read my letters.”
Seve put a hand on his chest in pretended shock. “Nikolas, do you have any idea how honoured you should feel?”
Jaime slapped his arm in light reproach, while Nikolas grinned. “I have a little idea,” he said dryly. “Now—both of you. No long faces. We have time to make love, and talk, and enjoy ourselves. Then I’ll be back in the autumn, and ready to stuff my face full of late fruit and nuts and your cooking, Seve. I’ll expect to be spoiled.”