It was early, and with the other two asleep, it wasn’t worth starting breakfast. Not having to leave to go to work, he was at leisure. Normally he would be at his books, but that wasn’t an option, so he wandered outside. It was a beautiful morning—spring in Jendon was mild and dry apart from the occasional showers, far more pleasant than Gidin at the same time of year. He hadn’t been out in the back garden since...well, almost since they had bought this house, he realised with surprise. It had been Seve’s project, just as the house had mostly been his domain. Jaime knew how important the garden was to his lover—during his captivity, the only thing he had been allowed to do without restriction was to work in the walled garden outside his cell. The walls that Jaime had seen without realising for so long, never suspecting Seve had been so close. Not that it could have done either of them any good, but he still wished he’d known. It wasn’t right, somehow, that he hadn’t.
This had been a tangle of weeds and overgrown shrubs when they’d bought it, the previous tenant having died at a great age, and she had clearly spent little time caring for the garden in her final years. Jaime knew nothing about gardens, but Seve, in a rare moment of assertiveness, had insisted he would deal with it. And so he had, Jaime realised, amazed at the order his lover had wrought in such a short time. The beds were all neat, and the early tubers on which they had fed the night before, were tidily arrayed in rows. New growth was everywhere, and the shrubs, now pruned into order, were sending out bright green shoots, vibrant and delicate against the muted background of the quiescent plants. There was love here, Jaime saw, ashamed at how little interest he’d shown in Seve’s work. To be truthful, he’d felt it was beneath Seve, who had always been the cleverer and more intellectual of the two of them. He should have been the teacher, not Jaime, but Seve had shown no interest in books since his release. He should have asked himself why, Jaime thought.
In this peaceful, ordered place, with fields around them, and houses only in the distance, he could guess, a little. No one to judge them, no one to harm them, no walls, no guards, and no restraints. Why wouldn’t Seve want to be out here? And why would he want to be confined again in a classroom, performing, when he had been on show for four painful years?
“
You’ve not been out here in ages, Jai.”
Jaime turned and smiled—Seve looked so handsome, all sleep-rumpled and yawning. “I’m sorry—it’s beautiful, and I didn’t realise.”
Seve came to his side, and didn’t stop Jaime putting his arm around his waist. “Not beautiful now, but it will be. The soil is fertile and the climate is good. There’ll be a bounty later in the year, I hope.”
“
It doesn’t matter—the main thing is that you’ve got it under control.”
Seve bent and kissed him. “I know it’s nothing much compared with what you do....”
“
No. You’re wrong. I was wrong. You’re making our home, Seve—what we always dreamed of, even when we were little. That’s the most important thing you could be doing. If I had the least idea what to do, I’d help but....”
Seve grinned. “Jai, you’ve got a brown thumb and you know it. Besides, you’re enjoying what you do, making a name for yourself. We’re not hiding any more, not anonymous.”
“
No,” Jaime agreed quietly. “I know it’s not easy, Seve love, but this is our dream come to life. I just needed to be shown how much good there was in what we have.”
“
I just wish we could...that I could....” Seve stopped, his jaw working tightly. “Will we ever put it behind us completely?”
“
I don’t know. I don’t know if anyone’s ever even tried. They never meant us to leave, Seve,” he said soberly. “They didn’t care if we survived or even stayed sane. So we’ve already done more than they ever thought we would. We’re alive, we’re sane, we’re safe. Even if it takes ten years to get over this, we’re still better off than we were.” He turned and took Seve’s hands and looked up into his lover’s beautiful green eyes. “We’re together. That’s all I wanted. I’ve had enough sex to last me a lifetime—all I want is you,” he said, lifting Seve’s right hand and kissing the fingertips.
“
I just don’t deserve you,” Seve said in a rough voice.
“
Don’t elevate me to god status,” Jaime said, forcing a smile on his face. “We’ve had enough of deities, remember?”
“
How could I forget?” Seve said with an answering strained grin. “Come on, let’s rouse Nikolas.”
Nikolas was still fast asleep, so they decided to let him rest while they prepared a somewhat more elaborate breakfast than either of them were wont to have, Seve feeling they should make a bit of an effort.
Nikolas staggered in, yawning, a few minutes later, looking cloudy-eyed and not responding to anything with more than a grunt. But after tea and some food, he brightened. “How do you feel about doing some cleaning and furniture moving?” Seve asked. “I’m afraid the closed off rooms are in a poor state.”
“
I only look feeble,” Nikolas declared. “Bring it on, I can handle it.”
Jaime watched his lover and his friend as they planned how they would go about clearing out one of the two unused bedrooms, and thought this was a perfect opportunity for the two of them to put some demons to rest. “Seve, if Nikolas is staying, I should make some enquiries with the doctors about his hands. I can fetch those spices and the cooking liquor you wanted as well. Do you think you two need my help?”
Nikolas opened his mouth, then closed it, shaking his head. “Run along, Jaime. You can do me a favour and collect the packet Masha has ready for me at the inn, if you don’t mind—and you could call on my father and assure him that I wasn’t eaten by either of you.”
Seve grinned at that. “Yes, Jai, you go. Let me give you a list of what I want.”
Nikolas continued to sip his tea as Seve and Jaime discussed the supplies they would require, and seemed completely content. Seve, too, appeared relaxed, and when Jaime quietly asked, as Seve walked him to the gate, if he was happy to spend the day with Nikolas, his lover only smiled. “We’ll be fine, Jai. Take your time and find someone who can help him.”
Could this be what they needed, Jaime asked himself as he began the familiar walk into town. Would Seve find the key he needed to rebuild his once abundant confidence? His heart lighter than it had been in days, he lifted his head and began to stride. If he wanted to be happy, he should look the part, he decided. No more skulking for either of them.
~~~~~~~~
Seve returned inside and found Nikolas tidying up. “How do you feel this morning—your hands, I mean?”
“
They’re fine,” Nikolas said with a shrug. “I try not to think about them.”
Seve guessed there was a reason for that, but didn’t press—he knew full well what it was like to have areas where he feared to tread. “Come look at the room—I think it will take the two of us all day to sort out.”
They’d bought the contents of the house with the building, though they’d had to burn quite a lot of rubbish and worm-ridden furniture. What was left that they couldn’t use, they’d moved into a back bedroom—it was a large room, potentially very pleasant, but more than Jaime wanted for his office, and more than they needed for their own. Nikolas coughed at the dust and the smell of fungus. “My,” he said, his eyes watering.
“
Yes,” Seve said, agreeing with the unspoken sentiment. “But there’s a bed and a decent mattress in there, and we have linens and blankets all clean and ready—it’s a bright day. If we get it outside and aired, we can see where we stand.”
It took them all morning, hauling the dusty, heavy furniture out into the back garden, and setting the massive mattress against a chest of drawers so they could both beat it, cloths tied over their mouths, stripped to the waist, and whaling into it while decades worth of dust and mould flew up in a cloud. It was hard, unpleasant work, but Nikolas never balked. Seve had a natural advantage with his inbred strength and muscles that even years of captivity had hardly lessened, and which months of digging in this garden had quickly rebuilt. Nikolas was slighter, apparently nothing beside him, but there was a wiry strength that never flagged, and he flogged the unfortunate mass of feathers and horsehair like he had a grudge against it.
It was finally Seve who called a halt, laughing a little. “Enough, friend, it’s earned remission for good behaviour.”
Nikolas, out of breath and filthy, grinned. “Good for working off anger, though, don’t you think?”
Seve wondered who’d been the target of the beating. “Yes, it is. But now we have to give the sun and fresh air a chance to work. You and I need a wash, and food.”
“
And a drink,” Nikolas added fervently.
“
Uh...we have no liquor in the house,” Seve said.
Nikolas gave him a wry look. “Tea will do. I don’t usually drink alcohol in the middle of the day.”
“
I’m sorry, I mean no....”
Nikolas held his hand up. “Don’t. I’m aware of my failings—you don’t have to pretend.”
“
Neither do you.”
Nikolas jerked, gave him a startled look, and appeared to be about to say something. But then he closed up again. “Let’s wash.”
They were too dirty to go back in the house, so they washed under the pump in the garden. Seve couldn’t help but notice that while Nikolas was still very thin, he was no longer the invalid that Seve and Jaime had cared for those few weeks in Egin. Nikolas saw him looking, and seemed embarrassed. “Father says I need to eat more.”
“
It’s nice that he cares. I don’t know what having a father is like.”
Nikolas paused as he wiped himself dry with a cloth. “Jaime said you were all just given to the temple. Do you have any idea by who, or why they gave you up?”
“
No. Jai...Jaime did a little research into it and the best he came up with was that all the children were either orphans or the offspring of unwed mothers. The king’s put a stop to the practice—I can’t help but wonder what will happen to children like us now.”
“
Anything has to be better than what happened to you,” Nikolas said, clenching his fists. “Every time I think about...what they did, not just to you, I wish I could dig Minas up and kill him all over again.”
Nausea swept over Seve, and he wrapped his arms around his middle to ease the sudden reflexive cramps. “Don’t,” he choked out. “Don’t...mention him...what happened to....” He shivered. “I....”
He had watched the executions, and it had been a mistake. He had thought he wanted the most vicious fate possible for his tormentors, to make them pay for what they had done to him, and more, for what they had done to his precious Jaime. But the savagery of Minas’ death had left him sick and desperate to lose the images from his mind, while not even touching his need for vengeance, his need for an answer as to why they had suffered the way they had.
“
Don’t,” he whispered again, his wrist against his mouth, eyes closed. But then there arms around him, damp but gentle. “No....”
“
It’s all right, Seve. I’m sorry. Come and sit.”
He let himself be pulled over to the old bench, the warmth of the stone a comfort against his bare, wet skin. “Why...why can’t I put this behind me...will I never forget?” He rocked back and forth, wishing desperately that these attacks, these fears, would leave him be.
Nikolas held him, an embrace he would have fought it if had come from Jaime, or at least, a few days ago he would have. But Nikolas seemed to somehow not threaten him, perhaps because he suffered just the same. He didn’t speak, didn’t try and talk Seve out of his stupidity, or pretend it would be all right. He just held him while the tremors died, and the sickness in Seve’s gut eased, until all there was left was mortification at his weakness. “Sorry,” he whispered. “I shouldn’t....”
“
You brought me here because you said you need my help. So don’t apologise.” Nikolas let Seve go, carefully, and moved back a little. “I shouldn’t have mentioned it.”
He stared at Nikolas in desperation. “It was months ago. Why won’t it leave me?
When
will it leave me?”
Nikolas went still, then slowly lifted his hands. “Maybe when these stop aching?” Somewhat to his own surprise, Seve reached up and enclosed them with his own. A flash of pain crossed Nikolas’ face, though Seve could hardly have caused him physical hurt. “A lot of harm was done, Severin. To you and Jaime....”
“
And you.”
“
Not so much, but it’s not a competition, Seve. Considering what you suffered, where you came from, you’re doing so well. You and Jaime are incredibly strong,” he added, smiling wryly. “You’ve no need to be ashamed that you still hurt.”
Seve rubbed his eyes.
So sick of....
“I just want a life where this doesn’t affect everything I do, every conversation, everything I do with Jaime, or here.... I want to be
normal
, Nikolas. Not that I have any idea what that is, I suppose.”