“
I never thought you had. What happened?”
Jaime came closer. Seve wanted to take his hands as easily as he had Nikolas’, but always, when he wanted to show his love and affection for Jaime, memories of what he had forced Jaime to endure for his sake, how intimate touches had been so perverted, came into his mind and stayed his actions. He didn’t know how Jaime could bear him near him sometimes. He gestured quickly at the table. “He can’t use a knife. His hands hurt, like you said. I offered to help, but there doesn’t seem...Jai, this is a bad idea. He doesn’t want us seeing him like this. I know I don’t...want people to see me, I mean.”
Jaime put his arms around Seve’s waist, and Seve fought back the urge to cringe. “You’ve nothing to be ashamed of, Seve. Neither has he. Convince him of that, and convince yourself. I’ve always been proud to have you as my lover.”
He laid his head against Seve’s shoulder, his embrace tightening gently. Seve felt like weeping—he didn’t deserve Jaime’s faith in him. “How do we convince him?”
“
By showing him love and friendship and patience.”
“
When we can’t show it to each other?”
Jaime went rigid, and Seve knew he’d gone too far. But Jaime only sighed. “I would if you let me, Seve. Why do you push me away?”
“
I’m disgusting, Jaime. Can’t you see it? The things I’ve done, the things done to others in my name... there must be a reason I was chosen and not you, not any of the others. They must have seen the evil in me.”
Jaime gasped and pulled away, but before he could speak, a quiet voice came from the doorway. “Minas could not see anything past the core of evil in himself, Seve.”
They jerked up, both shocked at hearing that hated name in their home. Nikolas walked into the room, and stood, hands clenching at his side. “He took the purest and best because it gave him pleasure to defile it. He took your love and tried to break it because he could never have such a treasure for his own. All he did was prove its strength, Seve. Jaime loves you because you’re beautiful and good and deserving of all that is beautiful and good. Minas wanted to destroy you both for the same reason. You shouldn’t be ashamed. Be proud.” Nikolas’ eyes burned with a strange fire as he spoke. “You survived, beauty and goodness intact, and so did Jaime. Minas could touch your body but he couldn’t dirty your souls, any more than your purity could redeem his blackened heart. The goodness in you is like a beacon. We want to be near you, to share in it.”
“
Be near Jaime, you mean,” Seve couldn’t help snapping out, but Nikolas shook his head.
“
On his own, Jaime is strong and loving. Together you’re irresistibly bright. Minas wanted to hurt you because you’re the thing he could never be, never have. If even someone like me is jealous of you, how much more would a foul creature such as him feel? His hate’s a measure of your worth, not your shame, Seve. Of
your
worth.”
For a moment longer, he stared at them with that fierce light in his eyes, but then he shook his head, assuming the harmless demeanour of before. “I’m being rude, I’m sorry. I didn’t mean to interrupt,” he said with an apologetic smile.
“
I’m glad you did,” Jaime said, looking up at Seve. “If you won’t believe me, believe him, Severin. Please—if you don’t let this notion go, it’ll destroy us.”
“
Don’t let Minas win, Seve,” Nikolas added. “He was no more a judge of your goodness than you were a god.”
“
It’s so hard...so hard to see things the way you do,” he said.
“
Yes, I know, Seve,” Jaime said, reaching for his hand. “But you don’t disgust me, you don’t repel me, and all I want is be with you and to touch you. Don’t deny me what I need? Please?” Hesitantly, he moved closer, and without thinking, Seve put his arm around him. The look on Jaime’s face was radiant. “Thank you, Seve love,” he whispered, laying his face against Seve’s chest, and Seve was almost blinded by the rush of joy, because Jaime still loved him, still wanted him, still could bear to touch him after all that had happened. He rested his cheek on Jaime’s sleek head and wondered why it had taken so long to get to this point.
But they couldn’t hold each other forever, not with Nikolas standing there, looking ill at ease now his passion was spent. “Enough, Jai, we have company.” Jaime only smiled as he stepped away. “Nikolas, if I peel the tubers, can you grate them? Or you could....”
“
No, I can grate them. It’s only the fine work I can’t manage,” he said, with only the slightest bitter edge to his mild voice.
Jaime helped, sitting at Seve’s side, closer than he’d done since they had moved into this house. At least Jai was happy, Seve thought, unable to resist smiling at his lover, the tense misery that had been between them for weeks, gone at least for a while.
Nikolas helped, there was no doubt about that—asking Jaime about his teaching, exclaiming over how successful he’d become at his new role, and listening eagerly to Jaime’s quiet pride in his students. Seve felt ashamed all over again, but this time, he knew he was right to be so—not once since Jaime had started at the academy had he shown a single ounce of the interest in Jaime’s work that Nikolas had demonstrated this evening, and that was wrong. Jaime was right to be proud of what he was doing—what Seve could be doing, if he tried, if he could just get over his paralysing fear of people and strangers. Resenting Jaime for being able to heal was not the act of a lover or a friend.
But then it was Seve’s turn to be questioned by Nikolas, who seemed just as fascinated by the work he’d done to try and convert this old house into something habitable, laughing over Seve’s dry accounts of his many failures, and praising the taste and quality of the garden’s produce. For the first time since they’d arrived in Hamer, Seve felt a little less like he was wasting his life, and as Jaime listened to his and Nikolas’ conversation, he fancied that Jaime too, appreciated that he was contributing to their new life as much as Jaime hoped
he
was.
The evening passed more pleasantly than he could have hoped, considering the way the day had started for him, but there was a slightly false air to the conversation. If he hadn’t been feeling so guilty for his part in Nikolas’ collapse earlier in the afternoon, he might have been fooled by their friend’s relentless good humour and cheerful chatter. But he wasn’t, and once Nikolas had been shown where the bedroll was set up, with promises that a room would be clear for him on the morrow, and good wishes for a peaceful night sleep, Jaime made it clear
he
wasn’t fooled either.
“
That wasn’t Nikolas,” he said as he sat on the bed. “That’s someone pretending to be Nikolas.”
“
He said he didn’t want people looking at him. Maybe he hopes if he talks fast enough, no one will notice he’s not there.”
Jaime gave him a sharp glance. “You saw it too?”
“
Of course, I did, Jai,” Seve said with some exasperation. “Do you think I’m that thuggish and insensitive?”
Jaime reached up to touch his lips. “Don’t start that again,” he warned gently. “I’m just surprised since you didn’t know Nikolas before he was hurt. He’s like a ghost now—so passive. Before.... Well, before, he was a pain in the arse. A brave, stubborn, pain in the arse that no one told what to do.”
“
And now he’s afraid to argue about anything—why, Jaime? I don’t understand why he’s so damaged after just one night....” He stopped—it seemed churlish to count up the number of beatings and rapes Jaime had endured against Nikolas’ tally. But he still didn’t understand why Nikolas was so broken.
Jaime hung his head, clearly thinking. Emboldened by their renewed intimacy, Seve reached over and stroked along his jaw, running his fingers through the silky fall of Jaime’s beautiful hair, and winning a brief, warm smile from him.
Nikolas gave this to me,
he thought.
I’m allowed to touch him. No one will stop me touching Jai ever again.
The thought gave him a golden kernel of peace, something to hold onto in his heart, though he knew so much still lay between them to resolve.
At last Jaime sighed. “Perhaps it was because we never had a normal life, and so we’re richer than we were before. Nikolas had a normal life and it’s been taken from him. Seve, we have to do something about his hands. There must be doctors, physicians—Doctor Ivin mentioned massages....”
“
I used to be good at those,” Seve said thoughtfully. “But I know nothing about this kind of thing.” There was an odd expression on Jaime’s face—almost shy. “What is it, Jai?”
“
Would you...I know you don’t like crowds,” he said, lifting Seve’s hand and kissing it in apology. “But would that be something you would be willing to undertake? To learn what can be done?”
“
You’re the one with a little medical knowledge, Jaime, not me.”
“
Only a little, and you have such gentle hands, Seve love.” He kissed the back of Seve’s hand again, then turned it over and touched the palm with his lips. Seve stroked his hair back from his face. So perfect, and beautiful. Too perfect for.... He stamped on the dark thoughts, as he leaned forward and nuzzled behind Jaime’s ear. A little shiver ran through his lover at the touch and again, as Seve licked, just kitten kisses, in that sensitive spot above his neck. Jaime moaned, and turned desperately to him. “I missed you,” he said, eagerly seeking Seve’s mouth.
For a few glorious moments, it was just as it had been when they were young, and innocent, and didn’t know the cruelties of venal, decadent mankind. Jaime tasted so sweet, and his body was a blessing against Seve’s, completing him, thrilling him, and making him feel that anything was possible, so long as Jaime was with him. But then Jaime’s hand slipped under Seve’s shirt and his belt, and Seve froze, memories of Minas fumbling with him, a prelude to debasement and pain, flooding his mind.
“
Don’t,” he whispered, though it was not to Jaime, but to a ghost.
Jaime didn’t know that—how could he—and he froze too, before sliding his hand out, and reaching up to straighten Seve’s collar. “I’m sorry,” he said, apparently absorbed in fiddling with the shirt. “I didn’t mean.... Seve, are you angry?”
Seve caught Jaime’s fingers between his palms and kissed the tips in apology. “No, I’m not. I just can’t, Jai. Not yet—but please don’t leave me?”
“
Never, Severin.” Jaime’s dark eyes bored into his. “We’ll beat this, you and I. Just don’t push me away and somehow we will beat this. I swear.”
“
Yes,” Seve said, bending to lean his forehead against Jaime’s own smooth one. “I want to be brave for you.”
Jaime heaved a huge sigh, and rubbed Seve’s cheek in a comforting way. “It’s not a question of bravery, Seve. That’s what seeing Nikolas tonight has shown me. It’s something else completely. We’ve made a start, and that makes me very happy. Let’s go to sleep. But....” He looked deep into Seve’s eyes. “Can you bear to hold me tonight?”
Seve crushed him close to him, and laid a tender kiss on his lips. “I will never let you go again, Jai. I swear that.” Oh, let him find that amount of courage at least, to keep this promise above all else.
~~~~~~~~
For the second time in just a few days, Jaime slept long and well, and as he woke, still held loosely in Seve’s strong arms, he couldn’t help smiling, his heart swelling with happiness. Still a way to go, but at least they had this—and there was one person to thank for that. He reached up to feather Seve’s golden hair in his fingers—he’d always loved the colour, and it’d been the similarity in shade which had caused Nikolas to catch his eye that day in Egin market. The two men were superficially alike—both tall, blond and green-eyed—but Seve was broad and strong and noble in his features, while Nikolas was slighter, narrower of face and hands, with laughing eyes and a mobile mouth that smiled readily. Or so it had once, Jaime thought sadly. He wanted to see true happiness in his friend’s eyes again, that bright humour which had exasperated and heartened him while they were in the temple. Nikolas had brought disruption and noise to Jaime’s ordered, miserable life, and he would always be thankful for that.
Seve was still deeply asleep, so Jaime slipped out of his arms, careful not to wake him. He spent a few moments looking at his beautiful lover, and wondering how Seve could ever have thought he disgusted anyone. It made no sense—but it hadn’t been Jaime who had been isolated and molested over four years, with only Minas and his lies and perversions for company. At least Jaime had been able to talk to relatively normal people from time to time, and the last few months with Nikolas had done much to heal his fractured heart, ready for the day when he could have Seve back again. Seve was a long way behind in the healing process. Jaime hadn’t really appreciated that before. Somehow, Nikolas had made some things clear that they should have worked out on their own. Already Jaime’s conviction that this was the only way for them was being vindicated.
He bent and gently kissed Seve’s forehead, then rose and went to see to their guest. Nikolas was also still asleep, sprawled untidily on the bedroll, his features slack and somehow empty looking, unnerving Jaime somewhat. At least Nikolas hadn’t had any trouble sleeping on the bedroll, which wasn’t the most comfortable bed. He still looked tired, Jaime thought. Would he find the healing he could give others, but had been denied himself? Jaime hoped so.