101 Nights of Great Sex (29 page)

Poor things, they just don’t get the attention they deserve. Next to those wild party girls, the outer lips, and that gorgeous queen bee the clitoris, those inner lips are the friends with, um, really great personalities. But ignore them at your peril, because they’re really, really close to the clit. They talk to her all the time. And if you can get them saying wonderful things about you, you’re golden.

Use your mouth to get everything wet and slippery. Coat your fingers with a healthy dose of saliva. Gently work your fingertips past the outer lips and begin to stroke the Minors. Work one, up and down, and then the other, always keeping the whole area as slick as possible. Occasionally loop your finger or your tongue up and around the clit. Let her know that you know she’s there, but right now you’re flirting with her friends. Make her a little jealous.

Hover your moist fingertips over the opening to the vagina, but don’t go in, at least not much. Run little circles around it, glide back and forth, keeping in constant wet contact with those luscious, swelling inner lips. They’re starting to look prettier, aren’t they? See, all they needed was a little attention. And now they’re communicating with their alpha-girl, talking and gossiping about how much fun you are.

Take your time. Take a long time. But when you finally introduce your very stiff erection — oh, that’s where your other hand was! — those lovely blushing lips will be completely on your side. Every push and pull of your penis grabs those swollen lips, and they in turn will be tugging on the clit, yelling at her to come join the party, come jump in the pool, come have a drink.

Come, already!

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“I can hug a man — even one I barely know, and if he smells great, I just want to f*** him!”

— M
Y
F
RIEND
, S
TACY

(and almost the entire female gender)

Bottom Line: Smell just right, and you will get laid. That’s one of those universal truths, across all species. Every critter that
can
have sex,
will
have sex, if the scent checks out okay.

For most animals, of course, it’s more about musk and pheromones. And butt-sniffing, if you’re my dog, Sam. Sadly, though, humans don’t really have a strong response to pheromones, in spite of what you read in those cheesy ads in the back of Maxim. (Just who
is
that Dr. Athena, anyway??) Men need a little help in that department. And fortunately, there’s an entire multi-billion-dollar industry standing by, just waiting to give you a hand.

The only trick to this seduction is getting out of bed a little early on Saturday morning without waking your sweetie. Jump in the shower and get squeaky clean. Make sure your mouth is sparkly fresh — use toothpaste and mouthwash. You don’t really need deodorant this soon, but if you use it, pick one that’s clear and unscented.

Now for your first secret weapon: a touch of cologne. A
light
touch, please. Don’t splash it on; don’t rub it over your face. The best way to apply it is the same way women do: Spray it into the air, wait three seconds, then walk through the mist of fragrance.

So what should you buy? Well, there’s the tried and true Old Spice, which is even sexier now that it features a hottie on a horse! Just avoid anything advertised by a football player, or sold by the quart. Do
not
use the same cologne you wore to your senior prom. The best scents can be kind of expensive, as you know if you’ve ever bought the real stuff at a department store. But you don’t need a big bottle for this seduction -— one of those little sample tubes will do. And thanks to the Internet, there’s a great way to get your hands on all the samples you could ever want, delivered to your door at a buck a pop. This website is listed in the ingredients, but the hottest scents around (according to my girlfriends) are right here under your nose:

• Issey Miyake
  
• Giorgio Armani
  
• Chanel Allure for Men
  
• And if you insist on going Old School, try Drakkar.
  

Ready? Then go ahead and slip back into bed. She’s going to wake up and smell paradise.

Start easy, with lots of nuzzling and touching. If she pulls back and says something about her morning breath, reach to the nightstand for your second secret weapon: Altoids. (Did you know they’re not just for blowjobs??)

Smell-Good Sex is usually slo-oo-ow sex, and with that luscious scent drifting from you, she’s going to want to be face-to-face... or face-to-neck, and face-to-chest. Start on top, hold her close and pump away, allowing your new aroma to fuel her fantasies. Make sure she has all the orgasms she wants, because that’s what will activate your third secret weapon: a scientifically-proven phenomenon called imprinting. From now on, every time she smells that fragrance on you, she’s going to think of sex, and how much she wants it.

Come to think of it, maybe you should buy the bigger bottle.

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I
F YOU’VE EVER TUNED A GUITAR
or ridden in a twin-engine boat, you’re familiar with the
wah-wah
effect that happens when two sounds are close in pitch, but not exactly the same. It’s the sound of two notes fighting each other, and it’s called
constructive interference
.

I’m no acoustic engineer, so I’m not interested in explanations of sine waves and amplitudes; I’d rather talk about orgasms. Or, more precisely, use science to help you create [drum roll]... The World’s Most Powerful Orgasm. (
“BWAH-HAH-HAH hah-hah-hah!”
cackled the horny mad scientist.
“Oh, no”
cried the helpless maiden,
“Not another powerful orgasm!”
)

You will need
two
vibrators to create this extraordinary treat. They should be one-piece units—easy to handle, like drumsticks.
Important:
they must have an
adjustable speed controller
, not just an on-off switch. Before your night begins, test your vibes and make sure you can tune them to the same pitch. (As always, wash them thoroughly. That’s just good sex-toy manners!) Put them into a gift bag, and if you want to make an impression—and impressions
count
—use a velvet bag.

Early in the week, ask your sweetie for a date. It can be fancy or a simple takeout dinner. The important thing is that you plan
something
rather than nothing. Simple, but it’s the difference between romance and being taken for granted. Or, to put it another way, it can be the difference between “Let’s go to sleep” and “Let’s screw like weasels.”

Meanwhile, here’s another trick that makes a woman feel like taking off her sweats and putting on her nightie:
straighten up the bedroom
. Whoa, wait, don’t toss this page! I’m not saying you have to change the sheets or actually
clean
the place. Just make the bed. Put your stuff in the closet. Light a few candles.

It won’t be long before your girl is happy and aroused and sprawled in bed. Slip down between her thighs and work some magic with your tongue, and then, after a few minutes, reach for your gift bag, hidden under the bed. Hold it high, and smile. You don’t even have to say a word. Just reach in and slide out
one
of your new toys. Pop the end into your mouth to get it wet, and then turn it on low. Ahhh. What a lovely sound. Every woman adores it. Don’t apply the buzzer straight to the clit; it’s much too soon for that. Instead, draw a loop around her whole vulva, slowly circling in toward her lips. Alternate between your tongue and the toy, gradually ramping up the intensity of your action. Take one of her labia into your mouth while stroking the other with the vibe. Tease her. And then...

Hold up your gift bag again. Let her watch you reach in and pull out the
other
toy. She’s thinking, “Wow, this is getting
interesting
.” Turn it low, like the first vibe, and stroke her with it. Stroke her with the other one again.
Then stroke her with both
. Hold them parallel and glide them alongside her clitoris, just for a moment. She might gasp; the sensation is intense. Turn up the speed on both machines, and use them to draw patterns on her.

Your new friend,
constructive interference
, is about to swagger into the room and help make things crazier. Speed up the vibes more, but tune them so they are not quite on the same note. Feel the beat? That wah-wah sound is even more intense when you feel it pounding your hand. The slow pulse of interference is more than noise; it’s a visceral shake—and you’re about to use that power to shake up your lover.

Press the two toys against her on either side of her swollen clit. Send that powerful
wah-wah
beat through her. Slide the toys up and down her lips. Put one of them inside again, just two inches deep, right where her G-spot is now screaming for relief; put the other one outside, near her clitoris, and
oh... my... god
—the pleasure is strong, overwhelming... bigger than anything she has felt before.

The beat of the fighting vibrations carries her to a place where she can no longer control her body. A place where she can only curl her toes, arch her back, and ride along with the pulses. A place where she might say dirty things and not even remember them. A place she’ll want to visit again and again, and take you with her...

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