101 Nights of Great Sex (31 page)

Here is where the magic begins. It’s not the stripping that gets to her.
It’s the whisper.
The heat of your breath, the tickle of sound, the surprise of your skin so close to hers. It will send a tingle down her spine. After she has pulled off the first bit of clothing, blow out one candle and leave the room. A minute later, sneak up again and seductively murmur the same order in her other ear. It doesn’t seem like much, does it? But with each step you’re heightening her senses, lifting her out of the realm of the ordinary. As before, blow out another candle, and disappear for a minute or two. Each time you approach her, make sure you stay behind her, so that your voice and position are always mysterious, unpredictable. Startle her with a sweet treat, a chocolate, perhaps, brushed against her lips. Let her take a lick. Then with another irresistible whisper, ask her to remove one more piece of clothing. When she’s done, blow out a third candle.

Now begin to touch her, but only on her back and neck. Gentle strokes, soft kisses. You’re focusing attention away from the
usual
erogenous zones on the front of her body, and making every part of her yearn for a caress. Again, blow out a candle and disappear after she pulls off the next-to-last item. When you return, deliver another delicious taste to her mouth. Stay behind her, but let your hands explore more. Run your fingertips down her arms, then glide them back up to her shoulders. Slowly drop your hands down to her breasts. Drag your fingernails along the tops of her thighs. Kneel between her legs and give her one long, languorous kiss right on her lower lips. Her mind is hypnotized now by the slow rhythm of your comings and goings, the erotic touches, the darkening room. She has one last item to strip off, and you have one last candle to extinguish. One more minute to make her wait. She can hardly stand it anymore. Her nerves are buzzing, begging for more.

When you come back this last time, whisper one last sexy order.

I’m going to make love to you now. Get down on your hands and knees.
That’s all she needs to hear. Your magic spell is complete. She has been bewitched out of her regular life and taken to a place of enchantment; a world where she is ready for anything, ready to forget any insecurities and inhibitions, ready to take whatever you can give her, there on her knees in the dark.

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B
ELIEVE IT OR NOT,
there are still a few men out there who aren’t yet comfortable with the idea of vibrators (we’re not talking about
you
, of course). The fear being, I guess, that no human can compete with something that never gets tired and delivers the perfect orgasm every time. What I tell these guys is this:

You are completely insane.

No, I don’t really say that out loud. What I do say is that
you don’t know what you’re missing. And you really, really, really should find out. Tonight, if possible. For God’s sake, man, your woman is being deprived!

The thing is—as
you know,
right?—there is no competition. Hey, don’t fight the vibrator. Take over the vibrator.

The trick to this week’s encounter is the amazing remote-control vibe. There are lots of different models out there, thanks to the ingenuity of brilliant-but-horny engineers around the world. My personal favorite consists of a tiny buzzing silver egg attached by a wire to a small controller. Bring it out in the middle of making love and hand her the egg part... but
you
keep hold of the controls. Turn it on slowly to let her get a taste of it. Then turn it off. Uh-huh, that’s right.
You’re
running the show, and she’s gonna know it right away.

Here’s a great way to start. It’s what sex manuals refer to as the Modified Scissor, and what my friend calls the IncrediblyLazy F**k. It makes kind of an X shape on the bed: You’re on your side, and she’s on her back at a ninety-degree angle to you, with her legs up and over your hip. It really is lazy; you can rock in and out of her forever in this position. But what makes it great for using the vibe is that her expression and body language are clearly visible, so you know when to drive the controller up—zoom!—and when to back off—gasp!—always keeping her guessing and just inches away from orgasm. Fast, slow, on, off, plus that steady thrust from your rock-hard erection... eee-YOW, that makes for hot sex. Way hotter than the vibe alone. See? No competition at all.

For that final drive home, there’s nothing more powerful than a trick I call “Popping Her Clutch.” To make it work, she has to agree to tell you exactly when she feels her orgasm starting. (Needless to say, the time to discuss this rule is before the vibrator goes on.) Right after “Oh! I’m coming!”—right at the moment of that first contraction—turn off the vibe. Wait one second, then turn it back on. Repeat. Zap zap zap. Do it right and you will extend her climax far longer than she ever thought possible. Some women report two-minute orgasms with this technique.

And all men report a new-found respect for the coolest power tool they’ve ever had in their toolbox.

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Y
OU’RE GOING TO NEED SOME MUSIC.

Anything with a solid beat will do. And it should be some type of music your sweetie likes. Just so long as it’s not Celine Dion. Because the fact is, you simply can’t do a striptease to Celine. Don’t even try.

But you sure can put on a hot show when Big & Rich start singing “Save A Horse, Ride A Cowboy.”
Woo-hoo!
Girls go
wild
in Las Vegas when that song starts blasting and the Thunder From Down Under men hit the stage. Or the song that makes every woman swoon from the movie
Magic Mike
: “It’s Raining Men” by Countre Black.

This song might be just the inspiration you need to put on a rump-shaking, pec-pumping, peter-swinging dance for the woman you love.

The best male party stripteases start out kind of, well, normal. The cop writing a ticket—the fireman checking the smoke alarms—then the music comes on, props come out, and bachelorettes start going wild. What’s normal around your house? Feel free to improvise, but here’s a suggestion:

You’re both in front of the TV, finishing a bottle of wine. Show ends, TV goes off, you volunteer for cleanup duty. Sneak off to the bedroom and put on your bow tie and cuff links. Next, go to the kitchen and get a big trash bag. On the way back, take a detour to the stereo and put on your special hot song, and then—ba-da-BING! Boogie to the beat while you toss napkins into the bag. Give her a stack of one dollar bills. Swing the bag like a stripper’s feather boa. Twirl it over your head. Sure, your sweetie will be laughing, but she’ll also be digging every second of your dance. Hey, it’s perfect: you’re showing off your sense of humor, you’re demonstrating a commitment to entertaining her, you are clearly trying to earn her sexual favors.
And you’re cleaning the house
, for crying out loud! How could she not completely love your performance?

Now get serious about the stripping. Time to work for your tips! On your back, legs in the air, kick off your shoes. Stand up to wriggle out of your jeans. Jump up on the sofa and lean over her while you bare your chest. Have you ever heard of a thing called a lap dance? No? You liar. You know exactly how a
lap dance
works, and you’re going to deliver a full-out sexy grinding tease of a dance right now.

And then take her back to the V.I.P. room. Just because
you’re
naked doesn’t mean the stripping has to stop.

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D
ID YOU EVER PLAY
T
RUTH
O
R
D
ARE
?

That ancient party game has generated a terrifying thrill for generations of kids. “Holy cow, what if I have to kiss her?” What if they can tell I really like her? What if—horror of horrors—they can see I’ve got a boner?!

This is a version of Truth Or Dare that is definitely not for adolescents. And it’s not just for silly fun, either. The game you’re going to play with your sweetheart this weekend has two purposes. First,
sex
. Well, duh.

Second, the Truth questions are designed to foster the kind of intimacy that is so important to a woman. And in the end, that’s the most critical skill you should take away from this book. If you can learn how to get her thinking about sex—and why she should have it with
you, right now
—then you’ll have a lifetime of happiness ahead of you. It’s the old “teach a man to fish” story... but with orgasms.

Early in the evening, right after supper, hand her two envelopes, one marked TRUTH and the other labeled DARE. Both also have the words
Do Not Open
on them. Don’t answer her questions about them, except to say that you have plans for them later, and she should leave them alone.

“Leave them alone?” Those words are like catnip. She’ll think about those envelopes all evening. She’ll stare at them as she brushes her teeth. They’ll make her a little crazy as she removes her makeup.
Truth
... or
dare
. How intriguing. How exciting!

Finally, when you’re ready to climb in bed, tell her to bring the envelopes to you. Then explain the rules of the game. Six times, you are going to ask her to choose Truth or Dare. As soon as you read the one she picked, she has to respond. If she chooses Truth and then decides she doesn’t want to answer, she has to do the Dare, and vice versa. Both the Truths and the Dares escalate as you go down the list. The Truths become more intimate, and the Dares grow more explicit. By the end of this game you will have great sex and I mean GREAT SEX. Ready? Begin:

Truth:

What makes you laugh about having sex?

What did we used to do sexually that you miss?

What sexual activity do you love the most? Why?

What’s your favorite sex position? Why?

What do you think is the sexiest part of my body? Why?

What’s your biggest sex fantasy?

Dare:

Kiss me like it’s our very first time.

Keep your eyes closed and touch my body like you’ve never touched it before.

Try to give me a hickey.

Make your nipples hard and show me your breasts.

Show me the part of your body that you think is the sexiest. Touch it in a way that you like to be touched.

Act out your biggest sex fantasy with me right now.

By the way, she is allowed only two passes. That means she has to answer at least four Truth questions, or perform four Dares. She
w
ill confess her sex secrets and fantasies—or act them out.

Either way, you both win.

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E
ASTERN PHILOSOPHY AND RELIGIONS HAVE
a following here in the West, but their growth has been hampered by the fact that they can be hard to explain.
Tantra
, for example, has a history that goes back more than 4,000 years, and these days it’s splintered into lots of different styles and interpretations. But I think a whole lot more Americans would dive into Tantra if they understood this one core principle:

The girl’s gotta come!

Okay, I might be oversimplifying. But Tantric sex is almost the
opposite
of religions that say sex is not for pleasure. Done right (with techniques that can make it last for hours) Tantric sex is considered a doorway to the divine. Think of that the next time you get down on your knees.

This week you’re going to crank up your mate’s sexual energy with a recipe that is part Tantra and part Kama Sutra, with a dash of reflexology and a light, sweet coating of Corn. Sex is always more fun when you give your mate some time to think about it in advance, so tease her early in the week with a handful of yellow sticky notes. Put one on her steering wheel, and one on her bathroom mirror. Put one on the fridge, and one on her purse. Everywhere she goes this week, she should find cute little Post-It Notes that have one of the following things on them: