101 Nights of Great Sex (35 page)

Woody, you haven’t got a clue!

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T
HE GREATEST WORKS OF ART TAKE TIME
to work their magic. The world’s most famous films, music and books tend to draw you in slowly, unveiling themselves bit by bit. A lot of times, it’s what is
not
revealed that makes great art so interesting. The artist knows that he can create a bigger impact if he makes you wait for the payoff.

Well, this week
you
are going to be the artist. Do as I say and I’ll turn you into the Beethoven of the bedroom. The Picasso of the penis. The Hitchcock of the, um, well, you know what I mean. And the surprising thing is that this masterpiece of lovemaking starts with two strands of Christmas lights. Yeah, that’s right; Christmas lights are going to help you get some action this week.

I’ll bet I’m not the first person to tell you that Christmas lights are romantic. But let me be the first to explain why. It’s because women know that we look
amazing
surrounded by that soft, diffused light. And when we think we look good, we are far more likely to get naked.

Run the light strands in a big circle all the way around your bed. The tiny white bulbs will make your bedroom look like it has a hundred candles, all focused on your bed like a sort of shrine. Put on some music. Turn the thermostat up by a few degrees. (Women are also far more likely to strip down when we are warm.) Now break out the massage oil and invite your girl to the bedroom.

Make it clear that the next hour is all about her. Be generous with the oil. Work out the kinks in her shoulders and lower back. Squeeze the tension from her feet and calves. Over time, it will become clear that, like all the great artists, you are slowly and subtly moving toward a deeper goal. You’re building suspense and approaching your subject from a, um, different angle. After her muscles are relaxed and her nerves are humming, position her on her knees and elbows at the edge of the bed, face down into a pillow, butt high in the air. Now you can finally begin work on her most tender parts...
from behind
.

But don’t go straight for the clit. Oh, no. The great artists are never obvious. Instead, tease her by drawing your tongue along her vaginal lips. Up and down. Down and up. Gently suck her labia and roll them around in your mouth. Kiss the back of her thighs. And then bring out your dramatic surprise:
a small vibrator
. This is your big plot twist, where the music builds and changes key. This is what makes your audience gasp. Again, steer around her clitoris. Buzz her lips instead, and her perineum, and her cheeks. Lick some more, then buzz some more. Lick, buzz, lick, buzz—lickbuzzlickbuzzlickbuzz—faster and stronger, creating tension but not letting her get to the point of sweet release. Not quite yet.

No, this story has to introduce one more character before it can build to a climax:
The good guy who saves the day
. He’s strong but silent. He’s hard as rock, and single-minded. He
lives
for action sequences like this. And he’s ready to plunge right in and make everything better in...

The End.

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T
HE GREATEST ORGASMS HAPPEN
when we try something new—something that startles us and surprises us and drives us way over our sexual speed limits. Tonight, you’re going to give your lover one of those landmark orgasms.

Tonight, you’re going to push her right over the edge.

Start by turning your bathroom into a palace of pleasure for your mistress. Candlelight, scented bath oil, mounds of big fluffy towels and her favorite music playing from her iPod. Lead her to the tub and help her in; sit on the edge and spend lots of time washing and caressing her. Her mind will relax as her skin comes alive; she’ll probably assume that this royal treatment is the whole seduction—Ahhh, but she’ll be wrong.

Don’t rinse her off yet. Simply start to drain the tub and tell her you want to try something new. Ask her to slide down toward the spigot... and have her spread her legs under the faucet, feet up on the wall. Adjust the flow of water carefully—not too hot! Not too hard!—and have her slip that most sensitive, private part right under the flow. Tease her with your hand; slide your fingers into those delicious, sensitive folds of flesh, and finally open her lips wide to the coursing water.

She’ll be excited and more than a little surprised—surprised that you know this trick (although many women do!), shocked that she is essentially masturbating right in front of her lover—

And now you’re going to blow her away.

Pile up some of those big towels in the tub as a cushion for her head and shoulders —and your knees. Slip off your robe, straddle her in the tub and kneel right above her face... but don’t let her take you in her mouth. Instead, stroke yourself. Make yourself hard. Show her, up close and very personal, just how you like to be touched.

Chances are she’s never watched a man play with himself like this before. She’s also never had quite this much warm, gushing, constant stimulation to her swollen clitoris before. The combination will send her out of control, beyond her usual limits, and headed for one of the greatest orgasms of her life—one that you gave her, and one she’ll never forget.

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T
HE
P
LAYBOY
A
DVISOR
, C
HIP
R
OWE, IS ONE
of the most widely read advice columnists in the world—10 million readers in 14 countries, to be exact. He’s helped millions of men (and women) spice up their love life, so when I asked him to contribute one of his best ideas to my best-selling book
101 Sexy Dares
, he didn’t hesitate. And, of course, I was thrilled, because when the Playboy Advisor tells you this is one of the “best techniques” Playboy has ever published, you know it’s got to be good. Here’s what he wrote:

A woman wrote to the Playboy Advisor asking whether he or the editors at
Playboy Magazine
had heard of this mythical rule, which she described this way:

“During intercourse, a man makes nine shallow thrusts and one deep one, followed by eight shallow and two deep, seven shallow and three deep, etc., until he reaches one shallow and nine deep and begins again. In my experience this is not as methodical as it sounds. The longer shallow sequences get me off, after which my husband starts again with deep thrusts, which get him off.”

It turns out that the rule of nines is said to be an ancient Taoist sex trick. The man is not supposed to withdraw but instead maintain a “seal” with his partner at all times. Couples are advised to coordinate their breathing with each stroke; he exhales, she inhales. Alternative methods are three shallow, one deep; six shallow, two deep, etc.; one centimeter, then two, then three, etc.; or simply continuing with nine shallow and one deep until you reach 1,000 (good luck).

This trick is so satisfying for your woman because it makes you slow down, while the shallow thrusts stimulate her clit. You’re forced to tease your partner with your erection, and in turn, you’re teasing yourself.

This week introduce the rule of nines to your unsuspecting partner. First, make sure she’s comfortable, because to be most effective you will need to take your time. Have her lie on her back on the bed while you stand next to it; use a pillow under her ass to raise her butt up a little. Also, don’t count out loud or move your lips! If she gets suspicious, tell her that you are concentrating on her pleasure tonight, and that she should enjoy herself. She’ll wonder what’s up, but in due time, the rule of nines will work its magic.

So my new Taoist master... go count your strokes and she’ll count her blessings.

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Q:  W
HY DO SO MANY LONG-TERM COUPLES HAVE LESS AND LESS SEX?

A:  B
ECAUSE SEX IS TOO EASY.

There’s more to it than that, of course. But when two lovers finally get to share the same bed every night, sex is less of a logistical challenge. They risk losing one of the critical components of my famous Erotic Equation:

Anticipation + Obstacles =
Great
Sex

And using the mathematical Property Of Addition, we see that Average Sex can be turned into
Great Sex
simply by... adding obstacles!

This week’s obstacle is a pair of blindfolds. Put one blindfold in a place where she can’t miss it—the steering wheel of her car or on top of her keyboard. Tape a note to it:
Bring this to the bedroom Friday at 9
. Do it early in the week, to give her some time to let that sense of anticipation multiply.

Right before your date, you need to prepare the bedroom. Straighten up. Make sure the floor is clear and everything is exactly where it should be. Bring in a tray table of bite-size snacks and put it in a place where you can easily reach it from the bed.

When the time comes, meet her at the bedroom door with your own blindfold in hand. Ask her to help tie it around your head. Then blindfold her, too. And then... turn out the lights.

Now you are both completely in the dark. Carefully, very carefully, lead her to the bed. Sit down. Feel your way to her face and kiss her. Tell her you have a treat for her, and all she has to do is open her mouth and trust you. Carefully, very carefully, reach over to the tray table you set up earlier, pick up a morsel, and slide it past her lips.
Yum!
Can she tell you what it is? Pop a different treat into her mouth. What’s that one? Put one in your own mouth and transfer it to hers with a kiss. Eat, and kiss, and eat again.

Things start to get trickier now. You’ve got to undress her by touch. It’s not as easy as you think! Unsnap, unzip. Lift and tug. But all those obstacles make the end result that much more rewarding.

Move your kisses to unexplored territory. Nuzzle and lick and find your way around without using your eyes. Feel your way to her breasts. Guide her hands to your penis. Navigate her body by taste and smell. Rediscover the beauty of her hips and her belly. Focus on the scent and the deliciously tangy taste of her sex. Oh, and that sound, that glorious pornographic
slurp
as she takes you deep into her mouth; is there anything as arousing as that? Her hair tickles your thighs with every bob of her head. Tonight, your fantasies fly blind.

You’ve made love in the dark before, but doing it in utter blackness is different. It’s
funnier
, for one thing. It’s hotter. And everything about it—including
you
—is a little bit harder.

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