101 Nights of Great Sex (37 page)

It’s sex on a stick time.

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W
HAT DO WOMEN REALLY WANT
?

Men have asked that for ages. It used to be obvious—
a little fire, some shelter, and would you be a dear and slay the sabre-tooth tiger stalking the tribe? Thanks so much, honey
.

But ever since settling down and getting civilization and plumbing, men have become mystified by women. I can tell you what women want, though, because I’ve talked to over two thousand. It’s easy...
more kissing
. In survey after survey, kissing is often considered the biggest turn-on for women! Did you know that when a man kisses a woman, he is actually passing his testosterone onto her? It is this “boost” that puts us in the mood and gets us even more turned on. But alas, women all over the world believe they don’t get enough kissing. With one notable exception:

France—the Oral Nation.

The French get
all
the kissing they want. They take pride in making high art out of anything that uses
la bouche
, the mouth. Dinners last hours.
Talking
about dinner lasts hours. And if you ever get a
sommelier
on a rant about French wine—the sipping, tasting, smelling—you’re not going anywhere. With all that focus on oral pleasure, it’s no surprise that kissing is high on the agenda for the
amoureux
of La République Française.

This week, kissing—in all its wonderful forms—is going to be the focus of your seduction.

Start with Surprise Kisses—delivered out of the blue, randomly, accompanied by a smile and a squeeze. You score lots of points with Surprise Kisses and they require virtually no preparation (other than brushed teeth, plus mints/mouthwash. But you knew that already, didn’t you? Of course you did. I’m just saying).

Thursday, give her a Necklace Kiss. Start on the neck, just below her ear, and then plant a circle of light pecks down her collarbone and around her neck, finishing up with a nibble on the other ear. Don’t move towards sex, though. Let her enjoy the anticipation of slow foreplay.

Sometime during the week, go for the We Interrupt This Call Kiss. When she’s on her cell with a friend, grab it away and say,
“Could you hold for just a moment?”
Plant a big, passionate kiss on your girl, tell the caller,
“Thank you!”
and hand the phone back. Yes, they will be talking about you for a while. All good.

Friday, add an Ice Cream Kiss to the mix. Put a spoonful of ice cream or other frozen treat in your mouth, then surprise her with your frosty lips. After dinner, be sure to give her a Hershey’s Kiss. The actual chocolate candy, I mean. Delicious, and remarkably effective in foreplay.

Saturday, launch a fusillade of kisses her way. (If given the opportunity, throw in a Bum Bite! Bite her bare ass before she gets dressed. It will leave her thinking about you every time she sits.) Tell her to meet you in the living room at sunset for some more kissing surprises.

A gorgeous sight awaits her. When she meets you, the setting sun fills the room with a fiery glow; the light sparkles through a bottle of champagne (of course—
bien sûr!
), and the two flutes next to it. Freshly rinsed strawberries glisten like fat rubies. You’ve tossed a blanket on the floor, and piled pillows against the sofa to make a comfortable backrest. It’s such an easy scene to set, but it’s the very essence of romance, the climactic scene of all the best chick-flicks rolled into one. Tell her to go get comfortable and then join you for some Strawberry Kisses.

When she’s back, snuggle and make a big presentation of popping the cork. Bubbles dance in the afternoon sunlight as you raise your glass and make a toast to her beauty. Hold a strawberry to her lips; let her take a bite and then...
try to steal it back and replace it with a kiss
. Sip, nibble, and kiss again. Repeat those three steps until clothes begin to disappear.

The French were on to something when they created champagne. The fizz makes magic, and the subtle
brut
dryness is a perfect balance for sweet strawberries (Not to mention the pleasures of champagne oral sex!). The combination inevitably leads to French Kissing. Wet, flirty, deep kisses that let you share the flavor and excitement. But they don’t have to be limited to the mouth. Apply a dab of fruit to her nipple; kiss it. Pour a splash of champagne in her bellybutton, and lap it up. Keep moving in that direction. Soon you’ll be enjoying what the French call Australian Kissing.

That’s a French kiss...
down under
.

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T
HE
L
ATIN TERM IS CUNNILINGUS, BUT
fortunately, great oral sex is much easier to learn than Latin. In fact, it’s as easy as ABC.

Like any good student, you must first get comfortable in your classroom. So kiss her belly; rub her soft little thatch of hair against your cheek. Drink in that heavenly aroma as you part her thighs. And then... start with one simple lick... like she’s an ice cream cone. Slip your tongue between her lips and run it slowly to the top of her folded flesh.

Unwrap her with your tongue. The ridges and folds of delicate pink tissue will start to swell as you part them with your lips and tongue, mixing your saliva with her own sweet juices.

Now your class begins. If you’ve been caressing her softly — press harder with your tongue. If you’ve been flicking rapidly across her clitoris — slow down into long, deep strokes. From minute to minute, you should change your style... and along the way you will quickly discover what kind of approach she really wants. Feel the way her body responds to each change; listen for her sighs as you zero in on the moves that make her tremble.

Try nibbling — ever so softly — on her inner lips, the labia minora. Draw her clitoris into your mouth by gently sucking on it... in and out; tugging, then releasing. As it swells, it may pop out from under the hood of flesh that protects it — be careful! That little exposed love-button is extremely tender. Start by circling your tongue around it, or gliding lightly across the base before attempting to touch the tender tip.

Make her shiver! Pick up a straw and blow a steady stream of chilling air against her; follow up with your hot, warm breath from closer in. Back to the straw — direct your frosty jet in a slow loop around her most sensitive flesh.

Ready to earn your Ph.D. in oral sex? Use your tongue to trace the letters P, H and D across her clit! And since you’re becoming a man of letters, try the ABCs, or start spelling out her name. Find the one letter that makes her knees go weak. Don’t stop to dot your “I” or cross your “T” and don’t slow down. Focus on O, as in Omigodimcomingdontstopdontstop....

And finally, remember the advice of the wise old man when the lost little boy stopped him on a New York street. “How do you get to Carnegie Hall?” He mused... “Practice, practice, practice!”

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A
HH, THERE
’
S NOTHING LIKE A LITTLE
R
&
R
at a beachside resort to recharge your batteries. Exotic music drifting through the evening air, waves crashing on the shore... It’s incredibly romantic.

It can also be incredibly expensive. But if there’s anything you should have learned about women by now, it’s this: When it comes to romance, it really is the thought that counts.

So improvise! If a Caribbean vacation is beyond your means, a handful of tropical vacation brochures surely aren’t. Pick some up at a travel agency (or print a few from your computer) and leave them lying on the table. Tape one to your bathroom mirror with a note: “I know we can’t really afford it right now, but isn’t it nice to dream about?”

Give her a few days to think about a tropical vacation, and then... give her one, in her own private luxury resort. It’s your bathroom, but it never looked like this before. Candles of all shapes and sizes and colors cast a beautiful glow.

Champagne and glasses are perched on a small table. There’s soft music playing — maybe something tropical, like a steel drum band, or Hawaiian luau music. Towels are piled like sand dunes at the edge of the tub, which is capped with the sparkling white foam of a bubble bath.

Watch her expression as you crack open the door and invite her to peek inside. It’s not just the elegance of the evening, it’s the effort you put into it that touches her heart and brings a smile to her face. Now follow the winding path of candles, laid out on the floor and leading her to the bath.

Drift out to sea with her. Tight squeeze? Sure — that’s half the fun. Make a toast to her beauty. Kiss her... and decorate her face and body with the froth from your artificial surf.

Your slick, soapy skin in such intimate contact is startlingly erotic. Soon your fun play turns to foreplay, and your caresses and strokes, your every move, will send waves splashing onto your terrycloth beach. Every woman knows what a great combination sex and water make. Got a waterproof vibrator handy? Go for it—remember, this is your romantic getaway, your chance to do those things you wouldn’t normally do—or haven’t done in a while...

Daaaah-dum. What’s this? Daaaah-dum.... Could it be?! Dah-dum dah-dum dah-dum dah-dum... look out! It’s the Great White Shark! Dahdumdahdumdahdumdahdum. He’s, um, rising from the depths, and he’s got his eye — (he only has one eye) — on his next victim!

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D
ON
’
T THINK OF PANTIES
as something that gets in the way of sex.
Think of them as an opportunity to show off your skills.

Panty Skill Number One:
attention to detail
. Want to know why women spend so much on fancy underwear? Because we expect you to notice. No, it’s even more than that. We get turned on when you notice tiny details about us. It makes us feel loved. Desired, and desirable. Horny, even. So this week, find the sexiest undies she owns, the ones she wears on special occasions, and study them. Then impress the crap out of her:

“Hey, baby, you know those panties you have, the really hot black ones with the lace around the legs and the red bow right at the top?” Of course she knows. She’s surprised to learn that you know, though. “Well, I want you to wear them tomorrow night.” Big leering grin, here. “I have plans for them.”

So now she’s really intrigued, and looking forward to your date. She has probably even shaved in, you know, the panty region. Dinner leads to kissing, and groping, and unzipping. Help her get her clothes off—
except for her underwear.
Because now it’s time to demonstrate Panty Skill Number Two: the use of panties as a sexual tool. Yes, I mean you can make her come by using her panties, just like you use your fingers or tongue.

Tug on them so they slide across her clitoris and lips. Stroke her through the fabric. I’m telling you, this is hot. You’re stirring up erotic high school memories of the days before she dared to go All The Way—steamy make-out sessions, sweaty nights in cars, bumping and rubbing and
almost
doing it. Getting close, and getting really wet.