101 Nights of Great Sex (36 page)

F
OR A WOMAN
,
there’s a world of difference between good sex and
awesome, tell your girlfriends, look-back-on-it-with-a-smile
sex. And the difference is something that is easy, rewarding and completely in your control. It is this:

A little extra effort.

That’s it! You don’t have to do it all the time. You don’t have to spend a bundle. You simply have to show her, from time to time, that you think she is worth some extra effort. Take it from your old pal Corn, who knows a thing or two about what makes couples happy. You will save yourself a world of aggravation over the years if you just, occasionally, on days that are not Mother’s Day or her birthday, prepare Breakfast In Bed. And also show your bare ass while you do it.

This weekend you’re going to put just a little more effort into your extra effort. Start by giving away part of your surprise. Tell your sweetie that she can stay in bed on Sunday morning, because you are going to make breakfast and take care of everything. Kids, animals; she won’t have to worry about a thing. The morning of, make good on your promise. You don’t have to make a feast. (Or a mess!) But remember, with women, presentation counts for a lot. So when you step into the bedroom, this is what she will see:

You carrying a tray with coffee, juice, maybe some fruit and toaster waffles. Whatever. Utensils are next to the plate, wrapped in big cloth napkins, just like at a nice restaurant. You are wearing an apron. And once you bring the tray to her, it will become clear that under your apron you are wearing... no pants.

HAH! Yes, your bare butt is hanging out. Because there’s nothing like a good belly laugh to start the morning, and I suspect your sweetie will shake the walls with her laughter. Her next surprise comes when she unrolls the napkins. One napkin contains a fork and a knife. The other contains, holy cow, is that a... a
vibrator
? Why yes, it is. Fully charged, of course. For dessert.

Kiss her, and feed her, and model your bare-ass apron for her. And now, for the rest of your sunrise surprises. Do all of the following slowly, and multiple times: Put a slice of fruit on her bellybutton and nibble it up. Take a mouthful of ice water or OJ and run your chilled tongue over her nipples. Sip some hot coffee to make your mouth exceptionally warm and wet, and then climb between her parted legs and go down on her.
Oh-hh-hh wow
. That is an incredible feeling. That hot-mouth trick is called “The Velvet Tongue,” and it is, in my own personal opinion, the greatest sex move ever invented. Your mileage may vary. But I’ll bet your sweetie melts when you bring the heat. Good Morning, Muffin!

It’s been one hell of a memorable morning for her. Sleeping late. Breakfast in bed. A little sugar buzz, a little coffee buzz. And now the ultimate buzz—the vibe, sitting on your serving tray. Use it to alternate with your tongue. Thirty seconds of licking, thirty seconds of buzzing, repeat and repeat. And repeat. Turn up the heat. Kick it up a notch. Show her that you are the Bobby Flay of the bedroom. You are Wolfgang Puck—with a capital F.

Actually, judging by that tent pole propping up your apron, I’d have to say you are really the new Iron Chef.

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A
HH, THERE
’
S SOMETHING ABOUT MEN IN
uniform that turns women’s heads. Out of all the men in uniform, cops are the ones that have the biggest effect. Maybe it’s the fact that they’re sexy, dark and they wield big power—and big nightsticks. Plus, that whole upholding the law thing makes them seem so very corruptible! And it doesn’t hurt that there’s always a cop character in those male stripper revues—not to mention those incredible hotties in
Magic Mike
! When Channing Tatum knocked on that door dressed as a cop, I knew women across the country were indulging in fantasies right there in their local movie theater.

Give her the chance to live out her man-in-uniform fantasy with this delectable encounter. You’re going to turn yourself into a cop and give her a ticket... to her own pleasure. And yours too.

Start the evening by telling her that you need to run a quick errand. Now you’re going to change into your sexy cop outfit—you can do this either in your car, garage, or you can drive somewhere if you need to. Tuck your search warrant into your pocket and put on your glasses, even if it’s dark. Not being able to see your eyes will heighten her sensation that you really
are
a cop, and add to that powerful, in-control mix that she loves.

Stand tall, put on your “I’m in charge” face and tap on the door. The ticket here is to pay attention to her face when she opens the door—she might be shocked at the uniform at first, but it will only take a few seconds for her mind to move on to other, sexier things. Like, “Is that a nightstick in his pocket, or is he happy to see me?” and “Man, I love a great butt in uniform.”

Before she has time to think, keep the tension high by handing her a “search warrant” and telling her that you’re here to arrest her. What for? Maybe you need to fine her for being
too fine
. Or, maybe she’s just been a bad, bad girl. Either way, handcuff her and tell her, “I’m sorry, but you’re going to have to
come
with me.”

Taking her head, gently push her into the backseat of your car and slide in after her. Put a hand on her knee and say, “I’m afraid I’m going to have to strip search you before I take you in.”

Start taking off her clothes with a sense of authority. Do a thorough search of her body. When you uncover a sexy body part, shake your head and say something like, “Well, what do we have here? My, my, my... I’m pretty sure that’s illegal in at least three states.”

By the time she’s undressed, she’ll be just as ready for a quickie as you are. Don’t take off your uniform—just slide down your pants and promise to show her your weapon.

She’s going to think that getting fined has never felt so fine...

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Ice cream maker Häagen-Dazs has long emphasized the sensual delights of its products by creating ads that show lovers licking ice cream from their partners’ bodies. Tonight, you’re going to utilize the sexual power of ice cream... and, trust me, this is one time she won’t care about the calories!

Tonight’s encounter is all about order and control. As much as women want to share responsibilities, there’s a little part of us that really likes it when you take charge. When your passion and confidence combines—
boom!
We forget we ever wanted equality in the first place.

Plant the seed of tonight’s seduction. Tell her you’ve got a surprise and you want her to play along. When she agrees, look her confidently in the eye and say,
I’ll be taking care of dessert tonight
. Let her think you’re being a typical, predictable guy planning to let her have
you
for dessert. She’ll think she’s got you all figured out.

Call or email her later with this command:
Dessert will be served in the bedroom tonight at 8:30 PM sharp. You should be standing in the middle of the floor, naked under your robe, with your eyes closed. Don’t be late
. Be direct, confident. She’ll be completely turned on by the thought of waiting for you.

Pick up a box of ice cream bars. Dove Bars are perfect: Yummy chocolate (the closest thing to sex for many of us), smooth vanilla ice cream, and an easy-to-grip stick. You’ll appreciate the grip later; trust me. Stash them in the freezer.

At dinner, look at her pointedly, keeping your cool. The anticipation is
killing
her. Go about your evening as usual, but catch her eye occasionally and wink. She likes that you have a secret.

When dessert nears, walk behind her and whisper,
Don’t forget, dessert reservations at 8:30!
Once she’s gone, lay napkins and your ice cream bars on a plate or tray. Stand tall, shoulders back. You are cool and your lady is waiting.

Walk confidently into the room, telling her to keep her eyes closed. Ask if she’s ready for dessert. Stay in character! She might giggle or ask what you’re doing. She’s naked underneath her robe, blinded, and nervous about what might happen. Good! She’s nervous with anticipation, and that’s
exactly
what you want.

With her eyes still closed, unwrap the bar. Make a lot of noise with the wrapper. Stand very close so she can feel your heat. Trace the skin of her neck, shoulders, and nipples through the fabric of her robe with your fingers. Untie the front; let it drop to the floor.
Shivers...

Watch her face. Listen to her breathing. Move the bar close to her body. Trace the same path, but this time drag the tip of the treat along her skin. Be prepared for her to gasp, jump, and squirm while you take your time.

Use your voice to send shivers down her spine:
Your skin is so soft... your nipples get so hard when I touch them... you look so sexy with your eyes closed...
Wield the stick like a paintbrush. Write your name across her body. The bar is melting now, leaving sweet drips.
Slowly
, erase each drop with your tongue.

By now she knows what you’re holding, and you’re both excited. It’s time to make good on your promise of dessert. Stand in front of her, touch the treat’s tip to her lips, and pull back. Tease her with it.
Show me your tongue.
.. let her have a lick. Keep the treat in front of her mouth, just out of reach. Watch as she searches, allowing her a lick. Pull it away and take a few bites.
So good. I bet you’d like a bite, wouldn’t you?

Walk around her as if you’re contemplating what you’ll do. Stop directly in front of her.
Open your eyes.
Give her the last bite, kiss the taste from her lips and say,
Take off my clothes.
You’ve been direct, confident and commanding. You’ve made her feel excited, vulnerable, and sexy. Enjoy the view as she undresses you.