event of any loss, I have to work through the shame of it, as well as the other feelings.
|
With Rachel, I see that a present loss triggers her earlier losses, bringing to the fore a fear of abandonment that she experiences as a paralyzing force. One day when we were talking about this in therapy, she said to the therapist, "Every time my mom walks out the door, I think she's never coming back." I reassured her that I will not abandon her. I'm here for her. And we're in therapy to help her escape the grip this fear has on her.
|
In order to fully feel loss, I also have to accept contradictory feelings. For example, when we sold our house, I had many feelings raging within me: shame, relief, hurt, jubilation. When we are experiencing such a dichotomy it helps to ask, "What am I ambivalent about in this situation?" If I can accept the conflicting emotions, I will be more receptive to feeling them. I've noticed that has given Rachel relief to say, "It's okay to have more than one feeling about things."
|
As Dr. Richard Obershaw, a Minnesota therapist, has said, "Grief is the process whereby an individual reidentifies who they are, following a loss/change experience." 1 He suggests asking ourselves three questions to help resolve our feelings: "What have I lost? What do I feel about the loss? Who am I now?" The framework of these questions provides a most thorough way of working through some issues that may arise.
|
|