Destructive Silence (The Destructive Series) (23 page)

Regardless of the abuse, he
had some sort of power over me. A power so great, that I lost all inhibitions when I got near him. Becca was still talking to Lucas. They were pretty tight lately and I was so happy for her. Lucas didn’t know the entire story as to why I left Caine. He asked Becca numerous times, wanting to help fix our marriage. She told him it was not her story to tell. Caine refused to talk and if he knew what was good for him, he would keep it that way.

Spending the holidays with my family
had been a big help for my mood and it helped put me in a better place emotionally as I prepared for my little bundle to make its grand entrance into the world. I spent most of the time working, decorating for the holidays, and enjoying girl-time with Becca. With her first semester over, she had a lot of free time. Mom’s surgery went a lot better than expected. She was just about fully recover. However, because they fused her neck together, she couldn’t bend it up and down, side to side, or put her ear to her shoulder, unless she pulled her shoulder up to her ear. So far, her pain had not been too bad, but that might have had something to do with the post-op drugs the doctor prescribed. We found out that degenerative disc disease was the cause of her repeated need for surgeries.

Lane and I covered the stores as much as possible with the help of the ever so popular ‘EML’ or ‘Recluse’ as Lane calls her. We were surprised to find out
that Alice was actually a nice person. Who would have thought? She was just shy and too nosy for her own good. We had incorporated her into our little family and she couldn’t wait to meet baby bump. Alice was a lonely woman and I was now happy that the planets had aligned to bring us together. I thought it had helped her break out of her skin, being at the store interacting with people. It became a win-win situation for all of us. Mom liked to remind me it was all her doing. Lane and I shook our heads and chuckled because we knew it was true, despite our reservations at first.

Beep, beep, beep. What the hell is that sound? I try to open my eyes, but I can’t and I don’t know if I’m awake or asleep. There are a few familiar sounds and I’m trying my hardest to figure out what it is. It sounds like crying. Baby bump, oh my
God, where is my baby bump? I try to move my fingers to my belly; feeling numb, I’m unable to move them. I try my legs; what the fuck is wrong. I can’t move; oh my God, what the hell is wrong? I hear the beeping getting louder and louder and the short pulses are hurting my head. The cries sound louder and someone is yelling. What the fuck? And then silence.

I miss the Caine I fell in
love with over a year ago. I don’t know if it was the stress of having a baby at such a young age or something stemming from his childhood, but he began taking the steps towards becoming an alcoholic almost immediately after moving in together. Maybe it started before and I didn’t realize it because we weren’t with each other twenty-four-seven. The change in his demeanor was frightening to watch and fall victim to when he continued to drink, despite the problems it was causing in our marriage. I’m glad I got out when I did; scared to think what could have happened to my baby bump or me if I stayed.

Caine was here, wasn’t he? Why was he here? I told him I don’t want to see him again and if he tried to contact me, I was going to advise his superiors with the reasons for leaving. He wouldn’t be that stupid, would he? Is he here to take away baby bump? Oh my
God! Why can’t I wake up? Where the fuck am I? Where is my baby bump? I need my baby bump, please God. Don’t let him take baby bump away from me, please!

There is a scream. Wait, that sounds like Becca.
Becca!
I try to shout, but nothing is coming out. I try to move any muscle that will listen to me and finally I can feel my fingers. I wiggle my fingers and she fucking screamed again in my ear. For God sakes, Becca! I am kicking her ass out of here the first chance I get. My baby bump, where’s my baby? I try to move my hand and it feels as if it weighs as much as a freaking boulder. Okay, my bump is smaller. Where is my bump? The beeping sounds louder, piercing my ears. Somebody beat the shit out of that thing to get it to stop!

I need to open my eyes. Concentrate Lacey, the things hiding the big balls need to move. I can feel my eyeballs moving,
that has to be a good sign. Now, open the sealed lids closing you off to the world, Lacey.
Finally
! I blink multiple times because the room is bright and it feels like I’m looking directly at the sun. And there she is screaming.

“Lacey! Can you hear me, Lacey? Mom, go get the doctor!” It’s Lane too! Wow, when did she get here? I turn to look at her and she is wearing the biggest smile.

“Ah,” I try to talk, but something’s in my mouth. What the fuck? I move my hand to my mouth.

“Lacey, wait for the doctor; you have a tube in your mouth.” My eyes grow and fill with moisture as she tells me. Looking around the room, I’m trying to find baby bump. I see Becca and I think Caine, but he’s too far and fuzzy. I think my heart just stopped. Is that baby bump? Oh my
God, my baby bump. Caine’s holding the baby. Thank you God for saving baby bump. Caine begins to walk over while my eyes rain from joy.

The first look at this beautiful creature I helped create took away all of the pain I experienced bringing baby bump into this world. OH.MY.GOD. I’m in love. I try to hold my arms out but another Smurf appears, causing Caine to move away. NO! I want to see my baby.

“Hello, Mrs. Rogers welcome back.” The guy who is wasting my time tells me. “I need to check a couple things and maybe we can remove the tube.” He shines a fucking bright light in each eye and I try with all my might to close my eyes, but he’s holding them open. “Good,” he says.
No motherfucker, you blinded me.
He pulls the earphone thing around his neck to his ears and puts the other end to my chest and waits and waits. He better not be checking me out or I’m serving his balls to him on a hospital platter. “Lacey, your heart sounds good and it appears you are able to breathe on your own now. You had complications during labor that caused you to go into shock. We were able to get your baby out safely before there were any effects to him.”
Him, I have a boy?
Oh my God, I have a baby boy! Baby bump is a boy... my Evan. I need to hold my Evan. “Lacey, I need you to calm down. You cannot get upset with what just happened to you. I know you want to see your baby and you will be able to hold him soon, but we have to make sure you are okay first. You will not be any good to him if you’re not well,” fucking logical doctor says.
Dammit!

After about thirty minutes of poking and prodding me in places nobody has business touching, mom is able to hand me my Evan. He is now my world. I love him already with all of my heart. I know I’m beaming from ear to ear. He is amazing. I will learn how to be the mom he needs. I won't give up on him. I won't let anyone hurt him.

Caine moves to sit next to me. “He’s beautiful, Lacey.” I look up to his watery eyes. “I’m so sorry for everything, baby. I was a horrible husband to you. I don’t know what to do without you. I had so much time to think about things while I was deployed. I’ve stopped drinking so that I can be a better person. I’m hoping you will let me try to be part of your life and our son’s.

Something’s wrong with my heart. What the hell did they give me? I shouldn’t feel my heartst
rings tugging again.
Deceitful heart!
Caine moves to kiss my temple while Becca, mom, and Lane watch in the background. Why isn’t Becca chewing him a new one? Why didn’t mom throw him out? I don’t understand.

“Lacey, I don’t want to upset you right now, so we aren’t going to talk about anything but our baby for now. Okay?” I nod. “But, I have to thank you.” I look at him questioningly. “Thank you for giving me the best present in the world, Evan.”

“How...” My voice is hoarse and it hurts to talk.

“Don’t talk for now. Becca told me you were naming him Evan if it was a boy.” I figured. I look up at Becca, silently thanking her for everything she has done. I smile at her. “I
will always love you, Lacey. Not just because of the person you are, but for giving me Evan,” he says with tears flowing down his cheeks.

I look down at my Evan
, counting his fingers and toes. He has all of them. There is an IV thing sticking out of his head. That can’t be good. I look up at Caine, who reads my questioning look. “That’s for giving him medicine. The nurse says its fine and happens a lot when they can’t get a vein in their hands or feet.” I nod again, feeling relief. He’s beautiful and perfect. His skin has an olive tinge to it, just like Caine. His hands are in tight fists, cheeks are full, cutest little nose, and his lips are pressed together in a pouty fashion. Simple perfection, my Evan.

Consequences

Eight weeks later...

Evan and I were in the hospital for a total of six days. Once I was coherent, mom explained what exactly happened during delivery. The placenta, which happens to nourish the fetus, detached itself from my uterus and became life threatening for the baby. The alarm sounds that annoyed the snot out of me during labor were warning the doctor and staff that Evan was under distress and I was going into shock. Thankfully, they were able to move fast enough to save Evan from any complications or permanent damage. I did not lose as much blood as what normally might happen, saving me from having a hysterectomy.

Evan is absolutely wonderful. I can stare at him for hours as he sleeps or makes the slightest noise. He has big lungs and can wake up people on another continent when he’s mad, which happens to be about eve
ry time his diaper needs changing. I tell him I’ll only be a minute, but the wipes just piss him off to no end. It doesn’t matter if they’re cold or warm, they’re wet, and by the very definition, he doesn’t like them. I think it’s kind of cute.

Caine spent most of the visiting hours at the hospital holding Evan as much as possible. He went out with a bunch of guys to celebrate Evan. I didn’t ask
whom he went out with or whether he drank. I’m not ready to dive into that type of relationship. I want to spend my time enjoying Evan. Once released from the hospital, Caine wanted me to move back in with him. I put my foot down and stayed with my parents. I told him that he is more than welcome to visit every day, but I just need my space. He tried to argue, but realized he wasn’t going to win. He quickly let it go, at least for now.

Evan is eight weeks old and time as flown. He is now at the point of getting excited when he knows I’m getting a bottle ready for him to devour. The funniest thing is his discovery of his
hands. He’ll bring one up to his face, inspecting the foreign object as he scrunches his forehead and crosses his eyes wondering what the new thing is for. The muscles in his neck are getting stronger every day and he is holding his head up for longer periods of time. He’s my little Hercules who has won over the hearts of everyone. I wonder sometimes if he knows which one of us is his mommy, but I can’t complain. My family has been a tremendous help and even Caine’s presence during the afternoon or evening is a nice reprieve to do laundry or fix supper. I’ve gone back to work at the store. The nicest thing about working for your parents is being able to bring your baby to work. One little smile to the customers and they are wrapped around his finger. He’s going to be a knockout when he gets older.

Caine has, once again, managed to work his way back into my heart. He has taken a very active role in Evan’s life, all the while trying to woo me in the process. I’m skeptical of giving him
any more chances. He tells me he still isn’t drinking and I hope it’s true for Evan’s sake. I’m trying to keep a level head around him, but my heart aches for the person I know he can be. I want the Caine that I fell in love with. The Caine who would do anything for me and wouldn’t ever degrade or hurt the one he loves. The gentle, compassionate, and intimate Caine is trying to make a comeback; I see it every time he’s near. For instance, tonight he’s playing on the floor with Evan, talking about life, and making sure he knows the important things in life. He’s going to bring me to tears.

“Evan, when you meet a pretty girl who is everything you want in the world, don’t ever let her go. Make sure you do everything to make her happy and never hurt her,” Caine says while playin
g with Evan’s hands. Evan stares at him like he’s an alien, but I hope he is taking Caine’s advice. I will do everything I can to raise a gentleman who respects women.

“Awe, come here little sweet pea,” Caine gently says to Evan, who begins to fuss. Oh yes, this boy is spoiled rotten; he loves to be held.

“Lacey, I was wondering if I could come over earlier tomorrow. The guys have plans and want me to join them. You’re not working tomorrow are you?” Caine asks.

“No, that’s fine. We’ll be here.” Do I dare tell him about the plans I’ve made; I mean the plans Becca made and demanded my presence? I think I’ll keep that to myself. He doesn’t need to know.

“Are you getting tired little man?” Caine asks Evan. It’s so sweet to watch him look at Evan as if he’s his world. I know that look because it’s the same look I have for Evan. He is my world.

“It is about that time. Do you want to get him ready for bed?” I ask Caine.

“Sure. Do you mind fixing a bottle while I change him?”

“Not at all. Go enjoy him and I’ll be right in there.” I prepare Evan’s bedtime bottle, reflecting on how easy this mom thing came to me.

I walk into my room, the room I share with Evan, and Caine has him bundled in a blanket ready for bed, but he’s rocking him while singing lullabies. I watch from the doorway, my heart heavy with emotions I want, but am scared to have. “Lacey, how about you take him? I want to go get something.”

“Okay.”

Caine pulls one of dad’s guitars down and begins to strum the guitar and sing ‘Whatever It Takes’ by Lifehouse as I rock Evan to sleep. He’s not singing directly to Evan. He doesn’t even look at Evan when his gaze rises; he’s singing to me. I want to cry because I don’t want to love him this much. What am I supposed to do? Can he change? Can he be the person I fell in love with? I didn’t realize tears were, in fact, escaping my eyes until he put the guitar down and moved towards Evan and me. He gently pulls Evan from my arms and puts him in his crib. Once he has him settled, he turns around to me. Only I haven’t moved a muscle. I’m paralyzed by the overwhelming emotions of what I feel for him. My eyes remain focused on the ground. I’m having a hard time being near him right now. I need to think. I need air. I need Caine to be the person he promised he would be.

Caine kneels in front of me. “Lacey, I’m
serious; I’ll do whatever it takes. I love you. I’m so sorry for ever laying a hand on you or saying the horrible things I did. I’ll live with the regret every day for how I treated you. I don’t know how to live without you. We are young, but if we love each other, we can make this work. Please Lacey, give me another chance. A chance I know I don’t deserve but am desperate to have. I didn’t know what to do when we found out you were pregnant and we got married. It was all happening so fast, even though I begged to take care of you. I got scared and began drinking. I’m so sorry baby. I know I should have treated you better, and I will spend the rest of my life trying to make it up to you if you’ll have me.” He pauses, grabbing my hands. “Please Lacey, don’t keep us apart any longer. You know we are meant to be. We can be a happy little family, just the three of us.”

“I don’t know if I have anything left in me, Caine. It’s so hard to be around you with what you did
to me, but also because the person I fell in love with just disappeared. I won’t lie. I love you too, but sometimes love isn’t enough. I used to be enough for you and then for some reason, I wasn’t. I don’t ever want to feel like that again. My heart broke so many times over you. I’ll always love you, Caine. Always,” I say with tears spilling from my eyes.

“Please. God, Lacey, don’t let me live without you. We can start over; I can fix this if you give me a chance. I’ve stopped drinking and I’ll do anything else you want me to do so
that you’ll give me another chance,” Caine says pleadingly. “I can’t believe I was so stupid baby. I love you and Evan so much. You are my world. I don’t want anyone else. I want and need you. You make me better.” He moves the rocking chair to pull me into a sweet gentle kiss. I can’t resist him. He’s broken down the reinforced walls I’ve built since walking out of our apartment. Is it wrong to want him after everything he’s done? Is there something wrong with me for wanting him so bad that it hurts, even after all the pain and grief he caused?

He leans into me, tracing my lips with his tongue. I want nothing more than to give myself to him. He stands and pulls me up with him into a hug. “Lacey baby
, I love you and I don’t ever want to let you down again.” Loosening his hold, he pulls his head back to capture my mouth, wrapping his arms tightly around my shoulders, this time not as gentle. We are in the midst of a heated kiss, relearning each crevice of our mouths searching for our comfort. Caine leads me to the edge of my bed, and we fall back without breaking our kiss. We lie back on the bed, kissing, nothing more. He isn’t trying to move this to the next level of intimacy; he’s taking it slow. I’m so unsure of everything right now. Our legs are tangled, but our hips don’t move. We are simply kissing and it’s beautiful. It makes me want this, him, us, our family.

“Lacey baby, I need to go before I screw this up. I love you and I don’t want to mess up more than I have. Please know I love you,” Caine says, with his
hot breath against my neck. I nod and allow him to get up without protesting. “I’ll see you and our little man tomorrow. I love you.” He kisses my cheek and walks out.

I sit on the edge of my bed and cry. I cry because I’m scared of what will happen if I
listen to my heart. As I am getting ready for bed, I relive each tender moment, filling my heart with hopes and dreams of what could be. I fall into a restful sleep.

Caine arrives earlier today to spend time with Evan. We take a walk arou
nd the neighborhood. It’s a little chilly, but not as cold as a normal late March afternoon. Caine tells me about his possible orders to relocate in a couple of months to Maine. He asks about my plans for college in the fall. I’ve decided to put them on hold again until Evan gets a little older. I’m sure many mothers attend college, but right now, I’m doing everything I can to keep my head above water. I don’t want to add stress to my plate that will cause me to have less time with Evan. He’s growing like a weed and needs me more than anything else.

We eat lunch together and the three of us snuggle
, watching a movie on TV. Evan sleeps through most of it. Caine occasionally stole kisses from me, making it a really special day. I feel like we are turning our relationship around. When it is time for him to leave, he spends a few extra minutes talking to Evan and telling him how much he loves him. I walk him out, holding Evan in my arms. Caine gingerly kisses me in front of our son, but it quickly turns into something else. Desire, longing, want, and need build in our kiss. Caine rests his forehead on mine, with an arm around Evan and me. It was perfect. I don’t want him to go. I don’t want to go out tonight. I just want Caine and Evan. They are my future, my everything. “I love you so much, Lacey.”

“I love you too,” I finally whisper to him. He kisse
s me again, harder, forgetting Evan is in our arms. Quickly, I ease up, for the sake of our son. We’ll have our time. I’m going to take this slow because the last thing my baby boy needs is an emotionally wrecked mommy.

Caine leaves later than he originally planned, which means I don’t have much time to get ready before Becca arrives. She will have my hide if I’m not ready. Becca,
Trish, and Lane are treating me to a night out. Becca says I need to cut loose and live a little. I just roll my eyes, because she will find any excuse to get me out.

My mom is watching Evan for the evening so I don't have to worry about getting back early. Becca's enthusiasm is
contagious. "Are you ready girl?" she asks from my bathroom. I'm sliding my dress on when she comes walking into my room. "Really Lacey, how much longer is it going to take you? You need to get your ass moving. The girls are going to be here any minute.” I shake my head at her persistence. I’m tired and could really use more sleep and more Caine. Evan’s not sleeping through the night. Waking up multiple times in the middle of the night is beginning to take its toll on my body. I’m grateful for mom’s help tonight.