Authors: Genevieve Jourdin
I touched the phone
button. My first favorite contact was Carter. My stomach clenched. My second
contact was Carter Work. Well, I guess that answered that question. I obviously
called him a lot. I kept scrolling. Cheryl, Paulo. I went to my regular
contacts and saw restaurants, my doctor, Mom, Elisa, Candace. I didn’t know any
Elisa or Candace. Total blank. I exited back out, noticing screens of apps I
didn’t recognize. I didn’t want to look through my phone anymore. It was alien
to me. It was all alien to me.
I dug around my purse.
Ah, my wallet. Hmm, it’s a really nice wallet if I do say so myself. I snapped
it open and the first thing I saw was my driver’s license. I had taken a new
picture and I looked like a dork. Great. Credit card, credit card, library
card, wow, they changed up the library cards. I opened the money compartment.
Fourteen dollars and some change. That’s about right; I guess I’m not rich in
my new life.
That sucks
. I closed my
wallet and dove back into the bag. TicTacs, hairbrush, three pens, grocery
store receipts, keys, Tylenol, a scratch off lottery ticket, hey, I won three
bucks, cool. That’s it. Nothing to make me have a revelation. I grabbed the box
of mints and shook a few into my mouth before tossing the bag aside.
I sat there, wallowing in
self-pity until a nurse walked in. This was a new nurse, but she seemed
friendly enough.
“How are you feeling this
morning, Justine?” She knew my name. Duh, of course she did, it’s on my chart.
“Pretty good,” I
responded. “I still don’t remember anything.” I figured I had better get that
out there first thing. Maybe there was something they could do for me today.
“Don’t try to force it,
it will come when it’s ready,” she said wisely, as if she gets patients with
amnesia several times a week.
“Yeah, that’s what they
say.” I chewed up my TicTacs while she disconnected the pulse monitor from my
finger. “When do I get to leave?”
“Well, first you can eat
some breakfast, and then I’m sure the doctor is going to want to have a look at
you. Do you have someone coming to pick you up?”
“Yes.” I remembered
Carter would be here to take me home. I never spoke to him after he left
yesterday afternoon, so I didn’t know what time he’d get here. I should call
him. Maybe I’d wait until later. I didn’t know what time I’d be released.
She left and I went to
brush my teeth, the mints weren’t helping my morning breath. I turned on the
light and gasped.
The side of my head was
bruised down to my cheek. It looked much worse than yesterday. I lightly
touched all around the lump. It only hurt when I pressed near my temple.
Luckily it didn’t feel as bad as it looked.
After cleaning my teeth,
I pulled my hair back with a brown scrunchie so that it didn’t look like a squirrel’s
nest then crawled back into the bed and used the remote to make the back of it
move up higher. When I was propped up, I looked around for something to do.
Television was out. The thought of turning it on and watching some inane early
morning show was loathsome. I searched around for something to read. There were
no magazines or books, not even the newspaper from yesterday. What I wouldn’t
give for a computer right now. At least I could waste some time surfing the
web. I gave up trying to occupy myself and closed my eyes while I waited for
the breakfast tray. At least that would give me something to do. I heard a
strange melody. It was coming from my purse. Ooh, my phone.
I snatched it up and a
picture of Carter was staring back at me. I wasn’t ready for this, but I
answered the call anyway.
“Hello?” I answered
hesitatingly.
“Good morning, beautiful.
How are you feeling?” He sounded happy for seven thirty in the morning.
“Um, I’m feeling better.
I still don’t remember anything, though.”
He didn’t say anything
for a few seconds. “Oh.” He put a lot of disappointment into that one word.
“Cheryl said you were
coming to pick me up today, is that still on?” I should give him an out in case
he didn’t want to deal with me or something.
“Of course I’ll be there
to get you. I just woke up and I wanted to see how you were this morning. I
missed you last night.”
“Oh, um, thanks.” I
didn’t have anything else to say. Awkward.
“I’m going to take a
shower and I’ll be over there in about an hour. Can I bring you anything from
home? I know Cheryl packed you some jeans to come home in, but do you want
anything else?” I was barely listening after he mentioned the shower. He was
going to be naked in my bathroom.
“No.” Suddenly I
remembered my baby. “How is Lucy doing?” Poor darling was surely feeling
abandoned.
“She’s fine, she misses
you though. She had to make do and snuggle up with me last night.” My dog was
sleeping with Carter? What the hell? Oh, right. He was
in my bed.
Too much to think about.
I sat there in silence.
“Well, if you don’t need
anything I’ll get going so that I can get over there. I’ll see you soon. I love
you.”
“Mmhmm.” It was the only
thing I could respond with. He disconnected and I sat there with the phone in
my hand. I couldn’t do this. I got a fresh wave of panicky thoughts. Cheryl’s
brother was coming to take me home. He lived in my house. What was I supposed
to talk to him about? I knew he was artistic; there were drawings and weird
sculptures he made all over Cheryl and Paulo’s place. But I don’t know squat
about art so that topic wouldn’t last long. Did he like romance novels?
Cooking? Did we have anything in common?
I was snapped out of my
musings by the rattle of the food cart. I had marked oatmeal for my breakfast
since I usually don’t eat before noon. At least I wouldn’t be wasting some big
meal. The same orderly from yesterday came in with my breakfast tray. Ah,
coffee. He is a prince.
“Good morning. You want
the oatmeal, right?”
“Right. Mostly I just
need the coffee.” I smiled as he placed the tray on the swivel table beside my
bed and positioned it in front of me. “Thanks.”
“No problem, see you at
lunch,” he said as he made his way out the door.
I hoped I wouldn’t be
here at lunchtime. I hoped I would be at home, reunited with Lucy and my
memories.
I added the little sugar
packet to my coffee. I usually take two, but there was only one on the tray so
it would have to do, I needed the caffeine too much to quibble over sweetener.
It was lukewarm, not optimal, but it was better than nothing. I sipped, trying
to make it last since I didn’t know if the hospital came around with refills. I
lifted the dome over my breakfast. Not only was there a bowl of oatmeal, but
also a piece of toast cut in triangles, a packet of margarine, yuck, and two
little containers of jam, grape and strawberry. I put the lid back on and
finished my coffee before I gulped down the tiny container of OJ. When I
finished my beverages I pushed the table off to the side. I wanted to get
dressed into real clothes, but I wasn’t sure what the doctor would need from
me, so I stayed in my pajamas and waited.
What seemed like an hour
later, but was probably only a few minutes, Dr. Turner, my neurologist, came
in.
“Justine, how are you
feeling this morning?”
“I still don’t remember.
How long am I going to be like this?” I felt suddenly frantic. I had really
believed I would wake up well and healed.
“I don’t know. Every case
is different. You might remember in an hour or it might take a few days.
Perhaps once the swelling goes down. I can’t really give you an exact time
because it all depends on your body.” He took out a penlight and shined it in
my eye. It didn’t hurt like it had when Robert had done it in the emergency
room. That was progress in my book.
“Well, your pupils look
fine, and none of your tests showed anything abnormal. I think once the
inflammation goes down you’ll be right as rain. I’m going to go get your
release papers ready. Do you have someone coming to get you?”
“Yes, he’ll be here in a
little while.”
“I’m going to want to see
you again in a few days, but I’ll put that in your instructions.” He jotted
down something and looked over at me seriously. “If you experience any
dizziness or confusion, call my office.”
“Okay. Thank you,
doctor.”
“I’ll see you in a few days.” The doctor left
and I felt deflated. That was it? I wasn’t well yet. I still had amnesia.
I sat there for a few minutes. There wasn’t
anywhere to go. Carter wasn’t here yet, but I didn’t want to be in night
clothes when he arrived, so I got up and went over to the duffle bag. Ah, the
jeans looked familiar. Finally. The shirt, not so much, it had some kind of
metallic appliqué of birds on the front of it. Still, it was pretty cool. I
took the jeans, tee shirt and some panties into the bathroom. Cheryl didn’t
pack me a bra, so I was going to be flying free, but at this point I didn’t
really care.
I felt a little bit more
human after I changed. I decided to skip the shower, I’d be home soon and I
would much rather take my time and have a bubble bath. I needed the stress
relief. I stuffed my pajamas into the duffle bag and zipped it up, ready to go.
I didn’t put my shoes on since I was going to be lying on the bed, but I did
put on the pink socks Cheryl had so kindly packed for me.
I was lounging on the
hospital bed and staring at the ceiling when Carter walked in. Damn, he looked
good
. His dark wash jeans fit him to
perfection and he was wearing a tee shirt that matched his gorgeous green eyes.
It wasn’t the first time I had noticed how good looking he was, but it was the
first time I noticed while simultaneously acknowledging to myself that I have
sex with him. Cue butterflies. It was the moment of truth. I was going to be
going home. With him. To
our
house.
“Hey, you’re looking
better.” He leaned down to give me a kiss, but at the last second I turned my
head and his lips landed on my cheek. His smile evaporated and I felt like an
ass.
He straightened back up
and fixed the smile back on his face, but it didn’t mask the hurt I could still
see in his eyes. “Are you ready to blow this joint?”
“Yeah, let me get my
shoes on.”
I sat up and swung my
legs off of the bed, but before I could get up to get my shoes Carter had
already gone to the cupboard and gotten them for me. He handed them to me and
gathered up the rest of the things in there, setting them next to my duffle
bag. I slipped my shoes on and stood up. I was as ready as I was ever going to
be.
“Let’s go,” I said with as much
enthusiasm as I could muster.
Carter picked up my belongings and
thrust a hoodie at me. “It’s actually chilly this morning; you’d better put
this on.” I pulled it on as we walked down the hall. A small part of me was
afraid to leave the relative safety of the hospital because, once at home, I
was on my own. With Carter.
Chapter Five
We went out to the
parking garage and Carter pushed the remote he had pulled out of his jacket
pocket. We walked up to the same black truck I remembered from the other night.
He walked around and opened the passenger door while I stood behind the vehicle
like an idiot. Did I mention that being alone around a good looking man turned
me into a stooge?
I managed to make my way
to the door and tucked myself into the seat. Carter closed the door and walked
around to his side but he stood there without opening it. I buckled my seatbelt
and waited for him to get in. He didn’t. I leaned over the center console and
looked out the window. He was standing there with his eyes closed. Of course, a
second later he opened them and looked directly at me. I couldn’t breathe and I
couldn’t look away. We stayed there, still, and finally he grabbed the handle
and opened the door.
He didn’t
say anything as he strapped in and started the truck. He didn’t say anything as
we left the hospital grounds and turned onto the street. He drove in silence
until we got to my house.
Normally I
wouldn’t have minded this as it keeps me from having to make conversation.
Right now, however, it was pissing me off. I didn’t know why I was so angry,
but each block of quiet ratcheted up my fury. By the time we pulled into my
driveway I was ready to snap. Carter turned off the engine and sat in the seat
looking forward.
“So, this
is kind of weird, huh?” He turned his head to look at me.
“So you
feel like talking to me now?” I reached down to the floor to grab my purse.
“Did I do
something to upset you?” he asked as if he didn’t know.
“Well, you ignored me for
the entire car ride, which,
maybe
,
has something to do with it.” I reached for the door handle but Carter put his
hand over mine and stopped me from pulling it.
“Is rage a side effect of
a concussion? Wait. I’m sorry. I just didn’t know what to say. You still don’t
remember me, not the right way. You turned your head when I kissed you. I don’t
know how I’m supposed to act around you. This is hard for me too, Justine.”
Carter’s voice sounded ragged. But that wasn’t enough to make me simmer down.
“You don’t
know what hard is. I don’t have any idea who I am anymore. I don’t know what I
do. I sure don’t know how I’m with you.” After I said it, my anger fizzled out
at the look on his face. I wasn’t trying to be mean to him, I was just saying
what I felt, but I realized that the last part didn’t come out quite like I had
intended.
He pulled
his hand back and I opened the door. I wasn’t in the mood to apologize to him,
I had been through enough. So, even though I knew I had hurt his feelings, I
got out and walked up the sidewalk.
Carter got
out and beat me to the door. He unlocked it and stood aside to let me pass. I
stopped several feet inside the doorway. My living room was wrong. There was a
huge TV on one wall and long black table against the other. I took a few more
steps and noticed other things that were different. There were several small
metal statues on the built-in shelves that I recognized as his work and there
were pictures in different styled chunky frames. Pictures of me, of Carter, of
Cheryl and Paulo. There was no clutter. There were no magazines or cookbooks
lying on the coffee table. It looked really nice, actually.
I turned
to Carter. He was looking at me, staring really, but not in the same hopeful
way as before. His face was blank. My stomach started to hurt. I’d obviously
made him angry.
“It’s
different. I don’t remember decorating it like this.”
“I live
here. What you don’t recognize probably belongs to me.” His tone was friendly
but eyes weren’t. I suddenly wanted the other Carter back, the overly familiar
one that called me earlier.
I nodded
and walked into the kitchen. Luckily, everything seemed to be in order there.
My cookbooks were lined up on shelves beneath the island. All my countertop
appliances were in their places and there were no extraneous items lying
around. The only thing I noticed were some pieces of paper stuck to the
refrigerator with magnets. I walked over and noted that they were recipes,
written in my own handwriting with items scratched out and jotted down in the
margins. I stared at them, not recognizing them, but intrigued.
“Those are the recipes
you’re working on right now.” I wasn’t aware that Carter followed me. “You’ve
tried that Mexican gazpacho four times. I think it tastes great but you keep
saying you can get it better.” He walked over to the cabinet and pulled out a
glass. “Are you thirsty?”
Suddenly I
was parched. I nodded and he reached up for another glass.
“Iced
tea?” I nodded again. It was surreal, Carter was playing host in my house. He
pulled out a jug of sweet tea as I stood there. I had hoped coming home would
restore my memory. It didn’t, obviously, so I didn’t really know where to go
from here. I pulled out a stool and sat down at the island. Carter set my drink
down and I wrapped my hands around it. Now what?
I knew it
was time to ask Carter some important questions. Questions only he would be
able to answer.
“What am I
blocking out? What happened that’s so terrible my mind won’t let me remember?”
He looked at me, shocked,
but after a moment he shook his head. “I don’t know of anything terrible.
You’re happy. We’re happy. I can’t imagine what would make you forget your
life. Us.”
I sat
there, holding my glass of tea and wishing I had some brilliant conversational
skills that I could pull out now. I started to get a little nervous. I had just
gotten home and I was already out of things to say and do. I couldn’t work
because I don’t really know what it is I do. I’ve read blogs of course, but
I’ve never set one up or written any. My cookbook sounded cool, but I don’t
know what’s already in it or where to begin. There were so many things I had no
knowledge of that it was overwhelming. I decided to start with something
simple.
“Can I see
my website? I don’t even remember what it’s called.”
“It’s Just
Add Heat.” He typed in the address into his phone and handed it to me.
I couldn’t
believe how good it looked. Professional. “Wow,” I said as I scrolled down
through the posts. “This looks great, when did I learn to do this?”
“You
didn’t. I designed the site. You told me what you wanted though.” I scrolled
lower, skimming the text on different posts.
“I’m pretty funny,” I
remarked with a smile. Holy moly, some of my posts had
hundreds
of comments. I kept going, clicking through some of the links
and I saw a picture of myself.
I looked
great!
Sexy, actually. Could that really be me? With the makeup and tame
hair I looked like myself but way better. Being a chef and spending most of my
time in a hot kitchen, makeup was simply something that I wore on a date, and
my hair lived in a bun.
“That’s a
great picture, isn’t it?” Carter was leaning over and looking at the screen.
“Cheryl considers it her masterpiece.”
“Yeah well, that’s
obvious. I didn’t know I could look so good.” I was wearing bright red lipstick
and heavy eyeliner that made me look like I was made up for a red carpet
appearance, and that’s not to mention the way the top I was wearing gave me
some
extreme
cleavage.
“I think
you look beautiful all of the time. You don’t need makeup to enhance your
loveliness.” He said it quietly.
I cringed.
“I wasn’t fishing for compliments, I know how I look.”
“No
Justine, I don’t think you do.” He lifted his hand up and pushed back a bit of
hair that had escaped the scrunchie. His movement was tender, but it sent an
electric shock through me.
I couldn’t move, my eyes
were locked with his and my breathing was shallow. I wanted to lean into his
hand so I forced myself to blink, to break eye contact, and when I did he
dropped his hand. I instantly felt the loss. It was so confusing. I didn’t want
him to touch me, I needed time, but at the same time it felt good.
Just then I heard a bark
from outside the kitchen door.
Lucy
.
My baby.
I jumped up and set the
phone down as she launched herself through the doggy door. She barreled in with
all her might and I scooped her up. “I missed you, girl. Have you been a good
girl?” I asked, even though I knew she was. She was the best dog
ever.
Of course she didn’t answer me,
but she licked my face and moaned in her high pitched happy-dog way. At least
this hadn’t changed.
“She
missed you, I did too. We didn’t know what to do with ourselves last night.” He
reached over and rubbed Lucy’s head. The fact that I was still holding her made
the act more intimate. To me anyway. She leaned into his hand the way I had
wanted to a minute earlier. Lucky dog. But, apparently I only had myself to
blame. He was doling out the affection and I was cowering like a Victorian
maiden.
I set Lucy
down with a kiss and picked up my tea. I took a big gulp and set the glass down
a little too hard. The whack of the glass hitting the countertop made me jump.
I looked guiltily at Carter, but he wasn’t looking at me. He wasn’t looking at
anything. I guess my continued lack of responses to his conversation was
starting to take its toll. Again. My fault.
“Do you
know what time Cheryl is coming by?” I asked as casually as I could. At least
Cheryl being here would take some of the pressure off. I just wasn’t able to
relax around Carter while we were alone like this. It’s not my fault.
“She said
it would be sometime after one. She was staying until she was sure the caterers
finished their job.”
I looked at the clock. At
least three more hours. How was I going to entertain him for three hours? I
wracked my brain. There was that big TV out in the living room, maybe we could
watch a movie, but that seemed lame. I don’t even know what movies are out
right now. I needed to work on getting my memory back. I needed to look at the
rest of the house, to check for changes which might nudge my subconscious into
action.
“I think I
need to take a bath.” That sounded stupid. It was ten a.m. and I just came home
from the hospital. There was probably something else I should be doing, but I
didn’t know what.
“I’ll go get your stuff
from the car. You can get settled.” I nodded again, and went down the hall to
the bathroom. I flipped on the light and braced myself for changes but I was
happily surprised, it looked pretty much the same except for the blue towels
hanging on the rack. My towels were yellow. I surveyed the vanity with a
critical eye. It was spotless and gleaming. Much cleaner than it usually
looked. There was also men’s cologne sitting on the left side of the counter. I
picked it up and sniffed it. It smelled good, like Carter. I heard the front
door open and I quickly put it down, unwilling to be caught in the act.
He
appeared at the open door seconds later. “Do you want this in here?”
I nodded. “It’s got my
toothbrush and stuff.” He handed me the bag and stood there. He was probably
waiting for me to thank him for getting this. “Thanks Carter,” I stammered, I
had to get over this behavior.
“No
problem, do you need anything else? Does your head feel okay?”
“I barely
feel it. I’m just going to relax for a while. Thanks, for everything.”
He gave a
brief nod and stepped out of the bathroom. I shut the door behind him and
turned to the tub. My favorite bath crystals were still in the jar on the
shelf. I turned on the tap and poured some into the water. It started foaming
up immediately and the smell of jasmine wafted up. I poured a little more in
for good measure. I really needed this.
Once I
stripped off my clothes I hurried back over to the door to make sure it was
locked. It was and I felt a little foolish. It wasn’t like he was going to come
in here and try to catch me naked in the bath was it? Unless that’s the kind of
stuff he likes to do. I got goosebumps. Maybe he was kind of a perv that way, I
don’t know. I stepped in and hissed as the water enveloped my foot and calf. It
was a little hotter than I usually liked, but perhaps that’s just what I
needed. I slowly lowered myself in the rest of the way, leaned back and closed
my eyes. I felt my muscles slacken and I let out a deep breath. A second later
I jolted upright as I heard a pounding on the door.
“Juss, are
you okay in there?” I sat up and covered my breasts instinctively.
“Yeah, I’m
fine I’m just going to lie here a while.”
“You’ve been in there for
over an hour, babe.”
An hour?
I had
just sat down. I then noticed the water was barely tepid. It had been scorching
hot just a moment ago. Crap, am I passing out now, too?
“I’m
getting out in a second. Thanks, I didn’t realize how long I’d been in here.”
“Okay,
call me if you need anything.”
“Okay.” I
waited until I heard him walk away before standing up and grabbing a towel off
of the rack. I wrapped it around myself and stepped out and onto the rug as I
looked at myself in the big mirror over the vanity. I still had the bruise on
my cheek, of course, but my eyes seemed clearer than they had at the hospital.
I started drying myself off and caught a glimpse of something on my back. There
was a drawing of a flower on my shoulder. I turned in towards the mirror and
looked closer. It was a tattoo.