Authors: Genevieve Jourdin
I shut the book, unable
to look at the pictures anymore. I wished I had my laptop in here, at least
then I could get online. I hadn’t watched any television since I woke up in the
hospital yesterday. I couldn’t count the movie earlier since it was on a movie
channel and they didn’t show news or anything like that. Things might be really
different in today’s world.
Oh my phone! I could get
online with it. I looked around before remembering that I had left it in the
kitchen. I should go get it. What if I needed to make a call in the middle of
the night? What if someone called me? I weighed the pros and cons of going out
there. Really, the only con was that I would encounter Carter. That really
wasn’t a con so much as me being a chicken and I needed my phone.
I looked at the clock.
What?
It was only seven fifteen!
The
time was crawling at a snail’s pace. There was no way I was going to be able to
hole up in here for several more hours or until I got sleepy. Inspiration
struck! I could go into my office. It was really just the tiny room across the
hall, but I had put my desk and laptop in there. I could get online and I
wouldn’t even have to venture out to the kitchen.
Lucy was
still under the covers so I quietly went to the door and peeked out. The coast
was clear; I didn’t even hear the TV, so I figured he must be in the kitchen. I
was especially glad I decided against getting my phone as I walked across the
hall and opened the office door. Double crap! He was sitting at a drafting
table that I had never seen before. He looked up at me. At least he had his
shirt on now.
“Everything
okay?” His pencil had stopped moving while he fixed his gaze on me. I felt
self-conscious in my baggy faded tee shirt but that only lasted for a moment
before my eyes were drawn from him to the walls.
Shelves now hugged every
visible wall surface, but that’s not what held my attention. The Star Wars
dolls looking at me from every direction did that. I blinked to make sure I
wasn’t hallucinating but they were still there when I opened my eyes. What the
hell
? There were probably a hundred or
more dolls still in packages gazing down at me. Everywhere I turned there was
more Star Wars memorabilia. I’m talking space ships and light sabers.
“What is
this?” I gestured around the room.
“Rebel
Base.” He smiled and looked over his shoulder.
The only thing that I
could recognize was my desk, but even that looked different somehow.
Oh my god.
My mind went straight to
those freaks that congregate at SciFi conventions. I had never been to his
apartment so this new side of him took a moment to absorb. I threw him a glance
over my shoulder and he was still beaming proudly.
Geek!
“I was just going to get
on the computer, but since you’re busy I’ll just go get my phone.” I turned to
go but he jumped up off of the stool before I could duck out.
“Wait. You can get on the
computer, you won’t be bothering me.” He walked over the desk and turned on a computer
with a massive screen.
“What
happened to my other computer?”
“It’s over there.” He
pointed to a shelf above a life sized R2D2 where a laptop was sitting.
“This is mine, but it’s the main one we use.”
I walked over to the desk and sat down. I would have preferred to be alone, but
now I was trapped inside a Star Wars fanboy’s wet dream.
I decided to ignore the
décor and focus on things that I could possibly deal with. “Can you tell me how
to get to my website? I’d like to look at it a little closer.” He leaned over
and typed in the address and it popped up quickly. It looked even better on
this larger screen. “Thanks.”
He sat back down on his
stool and rolled it next to me. I was engrossed in no time. It was something
that I would have loved reading if I stumbled across it. I clicked on a link to
a cooking segment and my kitchen was suddenly filled the screen. This was the
coolest thing
ever
. The camera zoomed
in on me as I spoke about fiery béchamel sauce, and the right way to make it. I
realized right away why my clips went viral; my on camera persona was a vamp.
It was a complete difference from my day to day behavior, but it was
entertaining.
I switched to a clip
where I was making a watermelon Italian ice and I laughed at my off-color joke
about my melons. My chest swelled. I was good, even though it looked like my
dress was painted on. I guess it was really true that sex sells. I finished
that clip and went to the next. I sounded so knowledgeable about spicy
minestrone. Anyone could make it after watching this, and hey, if people wanted
to see me talking dirty to food, who was I to deny them? I didn’t realize how
absorbed I was until I heard Carter speaking from next to me.
“You’re great, aren’t
you? You should read the feedback on that episode. It was phenomenal.” He
sounded so proud of me. He was smiling as he watched the video. My stomach
flipped over. His smile made him look so beautiful that for a second I couldn’t
breathe. I quickly turned my face back to the screen so that I didn’t get caught
staring at him again.
“It’s
awesome. I can’t believe it’s me.” We fell back into silence but I was acutely
aware of him right beside me. He still smelled fresh from the shower. I decided
to breathe with my mouth. I couldn’t chance any adverse reactions. That clip
finished and I clicked open portabella stroganoff. Mmm. I was getting hungry
now. Stroganoff sounded good.
“What’s
the matter?”
“Huh?”
“Why are
you breathing so loudly?” Oh shoot, I forgot I was breathing through my mouth
like some Neanderthal. I quickly took a breath through my nose.
“I guess I
was just getting excited about the stroganoff.” I tried to play off my panting
but I didn’t think he was buying it. I could feel him looking at me and my face
started flaming. Again.
“Are you
hungry? It’s been hours since lunch.” I was starving, but I wasn’t going to
admit it.
“I’m okay;
I’ll probably make a sandwich in a little while.” My evil, treacherous stomach
decided to growl right then.
“You stay
here and relax; I’ll make us some sandwiches.” He was up and out the door
before I could come up with an excuse for him not to. I felt I finally could
relax with him and his aroma no longer next to me.
R2D2 was
staring at me like he could read my mind so I clicked back to the blog page and
started scanning the feedback from my readers. Well, I guess you could call
them fans. Holy moly, I have fans! This was way cooler than someone sending
compliments back to the kitchen through the server. But I couldn’t get a big
head. I didn’t really know how to do this. My future self had fans. Me, not so
much. I was still skimming down the page when Carter came back in with Lucy on
his heels. He handed a plate to me. Cheese sandwich, chips and a napkin.
“Thank you.” I didn’t
want to start scarfing down the food right away but I was
really
hungry. I grabbed a chip, and the crunch was thunderous in
the small room so I made sure my lips were completely sealed before I continued
to chew. Carter didn’t seem to mind. He sat down on the stool with his plate
and started in on his food. Great, now I was self-conscious. I picked up my
sandwich without looking at Carter and turned back to the computer. We ate in
silence uninterrupted by any choking or spilling on my part. I considered that
a success.
Lucy was
begging at my knee so I pulled off a piece of cheese. She gobbled in down
without chewing. I guess she gets it from me. She saw I had no more to give her
and went to beg from Carter. Little traitor. Carter gave her the last bit of
his sandwich, so I stood up to take the plates back to the kitchen.
“Are you finished with
that?” I held out my hand for his plate and he handed it to me.
“Thanks honey.” Did he
call me honey on purpose? Was I being too sensitive? I turned my head to him,
waiting for him to say “sorry” or something but he didn’t. It was like he was
challenging me to call him on it. We had an eyeball duel for a few seconds
before I broke off, admitting to myself I wasn’t going to say anything. I fled
the Star Wars museum and rinsed off the dishes half expecting Carter to follow
me into the kitchen, but he never showed. The dishwasher had finished with the
load so I emptied it. Still no Carter. I knew it was twisted to want him to
follow me just so I could knock him back. Well, maybe not knock him back, just
discourage him.
Maybe I was just
perverse. He had been nothing but kind and supportive of me since the accident.
It’s true that I didn’t remember being with him like
that
, but I would be lying to myself if I denied being curious.
Sure, it now appeared he was a nerd thereby lessening his coolness, but that
nerd could kiss.
There, I said it. The
kiss earlier in the day had been awesome and no amount of blocking it out or
pretending it never happened was going to change that. I wanted to kiss him
again. Was it wrong to want to kiss him as
this
Justine as opposed to the one he’s involved with? Because
this
Justine didn’t have any qualms about seeing where this could
go. That future Justine however was standing in my way.
I
wasn’t who Carter wanted to kiss, that was future Justine.
God, it was just too much
to handle. Had it only been since yesterday that my whole world had been turned
upside down?
My phone started ringing
in my purse so I pulled it out and looked at the face staring back at me. I
didn’t have a clue who it was. It said Elisa, but that didn’t help me at all. I
held it until it stopped ringing and went to voicemail. It hit me again that I
didn’t know what all I’ve missed. She might be my new best friend, though I
didn’t think so. I thought about going and asking Carter, but for some reason I
didn’t want to do that, either. Something about her gave me a funny feeling
that I didn’t want to delve in too deeply. I just stuck the phone back in my
bag and looked around the kitchen.
I imagined
standing at the island and making my cooking videos. I went over to the
refrigerator to read my recipes again. A second later I pressed my head to the
freezer door and burst into tears. Obviously, the pressure was getting to me.
Why couldn’t I remember? It wasn’t fair! I have this supposedly perfect life
and I can’t even enjoy it. I don’t know how long I stood there crying before I
felt arms coming around me.
“Juss,” he
whispered into my ear. He turned me around and pulled me close. I started
crying harder. He stroked my hair and all I wanted was to be with him.
I tipped
my head up. “Kiss me, Carter.” He hesitated for only a second before he brought
his head down to mine. I felt his lips and it was all over as far as I was
concerned. I couldn’t get enough of him. His lips, his tongue, and god, his
smell. I brought my hands up to pull his head closer to mine while he backed us
against the refrigerator. I sucked his bottom lip into mouth and he groaned. I
tasted his tongue and felt the heat of his mouth in mine.
I made a
noise in the back of my throat and after a second he pulled back.
“Why are
you stopping?” I panted out.
“This isn’t right.” He
took my hands from the back of his head and placed them at my side.
I couldn’t
believe he was rejecting me. I felt like I had been punched in the stomach.
“Are you
kidding me?” I could barely say the words out loud.
“No, I’m
so sorry Justine, but you’re not ready for this. I wish to god you were, but…”
“But nothing,” I spat. “I
can’t believe you. You’re in my face all day, but the minute I give you some encouragement
you push me away.”
I shoved
past him and ran back to my room but not before my tears started flowing again.
I had
barely slammed the door behind me when it was thrust back open.
“Get out.”
“No.
Listen, I would never forgive myself if...”
“
Get out
!” I felt the need to yell it this time since he hadn’t felt
inclined to listen to me the first time.
“No,” he yelled back. “Do
you think I wanted to stop? Hell no. I
had
to. You’re fragile right now. I won’t take advantage of this situation. I
fucking
love
you. If you don’t know
anything else right now, I want you to understand
that
.”
I didn’t want to cut him
a break, but looking at his face I didn’t have any choice. He was hurting. I
was scared and confused but I didn’t remember loving him, so I wasn’t
hurting.
I stood
there breathing heavily with tears running down my face. He moved closer and
pulled me back into his arms.
“I love
you.” He said the words gently this time and in that moment it was the only
thing in the world that I knew for sure.
Chapter Nine
We stood
there with Carter clutching me for several minutes. I couldn’t move. It wasn’t
that he was holding me captive; it was that my legs refused to carry me away
from him.