I get up from my
bed and decide to start getting ready for class. I put on a pair of jeans and a
black v-neck sweater. I have a natural beauty and hate makeup, but today I apply
mascara, blush and some gloss on my lips. I put on my black Michael
Kors
scarf and put on my pink North Face jacket. I give
myself a quick check in the mirror and head out for class. It’s December and
luckily no snow in
North
Carolina
yet. It’s freezing outside but the walk to my class isn’t too bad of a walk. I
look around and notice the bare trees all around. There’s a peaceful feel in
the air today. I look up to the sky and remember my mom’s voice- I miss her so
much. I think about her all the time. I talk to her from time to time
especially when I’m having a bad day. It feels like she’s with me.
As I enter the
building I see
Erin
chatting away with a group of friends. I
still remember the day we became friends.
It was the first
day of freshmen orientation and I saw this petite blond hair, green-eyed girl
coming my way. I thought she’d mistaken me for someone else so I turned around
and started walking away.
“Hey!”
I turned around
and saw her smile, “Um hi?” The question in my tone made me sound like a snob
but I didn’t know how else to answer her.
“I’m
Erin
. It’s nice to meet you! I love your
outfit! Oh my God! We need to go shopping together.”
We’ve been
friends ever since.
“Well hello
sunshine.” She gives me a quick hug and smiles at me, “where are you going
now?”
I point over to
the classroom on the right hand side, “History. World War II, you know the fun
stuff.”
“I don’t even
know why you’re taking that class. You’re like done with everything so why
bother.”
“One it’s a very
interesting class and two I like to learn new things.”
“Learn anything
from Kyle yet?” The evil smirk on her face makes me laugh.
I look back and
see her waiting patiently for my answer. “No nothing new,” I laugh.
“How are you a
21 year old virgin?
Soph
, you need to work on that or
something! No wonder you’re always so mad.” She starts laughing and I want to
crawl under the floor and disappear. Yes Kyle and I aren’t having sex but we do
other things. He tries to convince me we should take our relationship to the
next level every time we’re together. It kills me that he doesn’t understand. I
tell him that I’m not ready and at first he understood, but now it’s just
another argument. He throws it in my face that he can get any girl on campus to
have sex with him. He makes me feel little and I hate it. I know I can break up
with him but something always pulls me back to him.
“Funny.” I shrug
my shoulders. “You’re lucky you’re my best friend. But I got to get to class,
talk to you later.” We give each other another hug and I go to class. I make my
way to the back of the classroom and get ready for class to start. Students are
slowly making their way into class. The room is fairly large with windows all
over. It’s nice to look out and watch the world pass you by during a boring
lecture. Today we’re discussing imprisonment,
so fun.
I pull out my
notebook from my purse when I see Adam come into the room. My breathing stops
and I feel my heart pounding. Our eyes meet and there’s something in his eyes
that I can’t figure out. The look in his eyes makes me smile. He seems happy to
see me. My heart starts dancing. I feel nervous, but a good nervous. That kind
of nervous that makes you blush and secretly want more. I
want
him near me. I want us to be friends again. Our eyes are still
on one another. The look that’s on his face brings back so many memories.
When we were
friends, he used to give me this look that made me feel good. It made my heart
race. I was never able to describe that look but I knew what it meant. Deep
down inside, I knew he felt the same about me. He used to take care of me and
made sure I was happy. One time when I was sick, he skipped school and spent
the day with me. He made me chicken noodle soup and rented movies for us to
watch. It was moments like that which made me fall in love with him. We used to
spend so much time together. Connor joked around with us all the time and kept
telling us to make it official. Adam never said no but he didn’t say yes
either. We laughed it off and never talked about it. We did everything
together. Every memory I had involved Adam and Connor. I hated sleeping alone
so Adam spent the nights with me in my room. He slept on the floor at first but
when we got a little older he crawled into my bed with me. Nothing happened. We
just talked.
As soon as Dr.
Murphy comes into class he takes Adam into the hall. I wonder what’s going on.
I try and peek out but they’re so quiet and everyone in class is loud so I
can’t hear anything.
I keep thinking
about the times we’ve run into each other and the smiles he gives me. Adam has
two smiles-a friendly smile and one that means something else. The smile I get
is the one that means something else. Still not sure what his smile means. I
want to know but I can’t ask him. It’s hard to look at him when we pass each
other. I’ve never taken the chance to talk to him because I’m anxious with how
he’ll react. Would he dismiss me? Would he care? I don’t think he’d be rude
since he smiles whenever I’m around but something just feels off. Finally Dr.
Murphy comes back into class, without Adam, and starts his lecture. I try and
listen to what he’s talking about but I keep thinking about Adam. The way he
looks today stays on my mind. I love looking into his blue eyes. That smile. It
makes me feel a little better. I want to think he misses me too or else he
wouldn’t be friendly.
“Miss Burns?”
I quickly look
up when Dr. Murphy calls my name. “I’m sorry Dr. Murphy could you repeat the
question?”
Annoyance in his
tone he asks, “What are your thoughts about imprisonment?”
I look around
the room and see my classmate’s eyes on me. This seems like an easy answer
since I experience imprisonment almost every day. I’m confident with my answer.
“It’s an evil force that was used throughout the war and I think it was used to
create fear and control.”
Dr. Murphy’s
face starts to glow. “Good Miss Burns.”
He continues on
with class and starts talking about how we shouldn’t let history repeat itself
and making small changes can help ensure that. I think about what he’s saying
and realize how I don’t want history to repeat. I don’t want the darkness to
take over my life anymore.
Erin
keeps pushing me to talk to him and mend
our friendship but I can’t. I don’t want him to laugh in my face or brush me
off. I can’t handle that rejection from him. I do want things back to normal
but I just need time and I need to do it on my own.
Erin
tried being friends with him since they
had some classes together and talked about how good he looked or how nice he
was. She thought it would be a good idea for us to be friends but I couldn’t
handle the thought of Adam in my life again. She told me he asked about me but
I immediately changed the topic. Talking about Adam opened too many wounds. I
asked her to stop bringing him up because it hurt and she understood but told
me I needed to grow a pair.
When he
dismisses class, I hurry out the room.
I
send a text to
Erin
so that we can meet for coffee. My body
suddenly freezes and I feel someone watching me. I slowly turn around and see
Adam behind me. Why did he have to transfer here to
my
school? Out of the thousands of schools there are in the
United States
,
why
this one? Why does he have to come back and turn my life upside down? My eyes
are ready to pop out of my head. I don’t know what to say to him or what to do.
He gets in front of me and I can’t talk. His face is inches from mine. Why does
he have to stand so close to me? Our eyes connect and it’s a feeling no one can
ever describe. The way he makes me feel is unbelievable. I feel my heart flutter
and I see his smile touch his eyes. Everything makes sense when I’m with him.
If only I can put aside my fears and talk to him. I want to tell him how much I
miss him and ask him if we can be friends again. When he looks at me, nothing
else matters. It feels like it’s just us and no one else-our own little world.
“Hey
Soph
,” He smiles at me. “It was good seeing you in class.
Sorry I couldn’t talk but maybe next time.” He places his hand on my shoulder
and gives me a gentle squeeze and walks toward the gym. My body is on fire.
With just
one
touch, my mind is
spinning in circles. I feel everything in my body tighten.
I stand there
with my mouth dry and my heart beating out of my chest. I can’t even say ‘hi’
to him. This is ridiculous. I am twenty-one years old and can handle talking to
an old friend.
An old friend that I still
love and fantasize about
, oh yeah, saying ‘Hi’ should have been easy!
I make it to the
café and order a soy caramel latte with an extra shot of espresso. I take a sip
and wait for
Erin
at a table in the corner of the room. I
play that scene over in my head and try to figure it all out. Maybe he doesn’t
hate me and is trying to get back in my life? I lean back in the chair and
smile. He’s always saying hi to me when we run into each other. I shouldn’t be
nervous. This is a good thing. I hope.
“Girl, stop
thinking.”
My head jerks up
and my bubbly best friend is dressed to impress with her skinny jeans, black
knee high boots and a sweater, “Hi to you too sunshine.”
She takes my latte
and sits down, “Yeah
yeah
. Alright what’s going on?”
I give her my
death stare as she drinks my latte, “Nothing! I wanted to see you and catch
up.” I want to tell her more about Adam but it feels weird to talk about him.
I’m not sure if any of this means anything. He’s probably just being nice.
“Bullshit.” She
rolls her eyes at me. “I know something’s up with you so tell me.”
I sigh. I knew
she wouldn’t let this go and get me to talk. “Alright so you remember Adam
right?”
“Yeah, hot Adam
Simpson,” My body tenses again when she says his name.
“Yeah him, well,
I can’t stop thinking about him
Erin
.
I dream about him at night and freeze every time he’s near me. I can’t focus at
all and ugh!” Why is this so hard? “And get this? He was walking behind me
earlier and said hey to me! I almost died!”
Erin
slaps my arm and nearly falls out of her
chair. “What the hell did you say back to him?”
I look away from
her, “Nothing,” I mumble.
“Huh? Talk!
Louder!” She enunciates her words.
“Nothing,” I
shriek and then put my hands over my face to hide my humiliation.
Erin
bursts out laughing. I yank my latte
back. I can’t believe she’s laughing at me. I know I should have said something
instead of standing there but she isn’t making me feel any better. “You said
nothing, oh
Soph
.”
I roll my eyes.
“You’re not making me feel better.” I play with my latte cup and keep my eyes
on the ground. “You laughing at me
makes
me feel so
much better.”
She takes my
hand and looks at me. “Honey, I love you so much but you’re a riot. Why do I
feel like something else is going on with you?” She looks at me with question
in her eyes. I look away from her, “Oh no Sophia! Tell me what’s going on!”
I roll my eyes.
“I don’t know if I want to be with Kyle anymore. Things suck right now. All we
do is fight and he’s an asshole.” I sigh and lean back in my chair. “I don’t
know
Erin
. I mean we fight a lot and he gets mad
when I don’t want to go out. I like to stay away from the party scene and he
hasn’t grown up, he is still a partier. He’s different behind closed doors when
we’re alone.”
“
Aww
Soph
, I’m sorry. Have you
tried talking to him?”
“No,” I look
down at my hands. “He doesn’t like to talk about anything. He wants to take our
relationship to the next level but I’m not ready! He’s been staying out late
and coming back drunk. I hate how he treats me. He’s always mad about
something. It’s always my fault!”