I think about
what he says. I’m still in love with Adam and now that he’s back, my love for
him only
grows
. I do want him to know what’s in my
heart. I want to look him in the eyes and have him touch my heart. I want him
to feel my emotions.
Maybe Connor’s
right. “I don’t know.” I respond not looking at him.
“Whatever
Soph
, you’re
the one that’s being unfair.”
As our eyes
meet, I squeeze his hand again and smile. We stay like this for a few moments.
It’s nice to have him around. Connor gets up to leave. “Thank you for sharing
your dinner with me
Soph
, but I got to get going.” He
smiles, “Please think about what I said. It was good seeing you. I’ll talk to
you soon.”
“You too Connor,”
I watch him leave and slump in the booth. I’m utterly shocked and pinch myself
to make sure I’m awake and not dreaming. The server comes back, “Can I get the
check please?”
“Oh
hun
your boyfriend,” he points toward the door Connor just
walked out of, “He paid for it all, so no worries.” He gives me a smile and
walks away.
I giggle at the
word boyfriend but I didn’t correct him. It doesn’t surprise me that Connor
paid for dinner tonight. I smile to myself and start to relax. Does it mean
we’re ok again? He’s right. Adam’s back and now we have the chance to try and rebuild
our friendship.
I get my purse
and walk out of the restaurant. The sun is beginning to set. The colors of red,
orange, yellow and light purple light the sky. I love watching sunsets. It’s
peaceful and helps me unwind. I walk slowly back to campus as my mind thinks
about Adam and everything Connor said. If Adam still loves me, does that mean
he’ll tell me or show me? Do I have to make the first move? All of these
questions crush my mind and a headache comes on. I need advice now! I pull out
my phone and call
Erin
.
“Hey girl what’s
up?” Her cheerful voice makes me laugh.
“Hey. So I just had dinner with Connor since Kyle stood me up.” I know
Erin
’s going to freak out and give me more to
think about.
“Whoa! What?”
Erin
screams.
I continue
walking back to campus. “Yep,
Erin
he told me that Adam loves me and came
back for me!”
“No freaking
way!
Soph
! That’s incredible. You know what this
means right?”
I immediately
stop. I can’t. There’s no way I can make the first move. “What?” I quietly ask.
“You
need
to break up and get your man! Or at
least get him back as a friend. Do
something,
anything!
”
“I can’t.”
“Can’t or won’t?
Are you going to live in your room and block out everyone? You need to live
your life. Life is all about taking chances Sophia. Stop being a little shit
and get moving!”
She’s right. I
know she’s right. I have to start living my life. I can’t hide anymore. If I
don’t do this I’ll lose him again and I can’t have a life without him. I want
to make it up to him. “Maybe you’re right.”
“I am always
right!” She giggles.
“Yes you are,”
amusement in my tone, “alright I’m back on campus.”
“Do you want to
hang out tonight?”
I wish I could
be a normal girl and have a girl’s night but Kyle hates it. He can go out and
have fun but he wants me to stay behind unless I’m by his side. I can’t wait
for this to be over. “Kyle’s coming over tonight. I’m sorry.” I feel bad for
ditching my best friend.
“Sophia...”
Erin
starts to say.
“I know I know!
I need to figure this all out. Can we talk later?”
“Yeah no problem
honey, just call me later.”
“Ok I will.” I
hang up with
Erin
and make it to my room. My mind keeps
thinking about Kyle and Adam. I start to compare both of them and Adam always
wins out. My face scrunches and a sharp pain hits my chest. I hate not having
him in my life. I want him to know how sorry I am. I can’t stay away
anymore.
I feel my phone
vibrate in my purse. I pull it out of my bag and look at the caller ID.
Kyle.
I don’t want to answer the phone
but I know that if I ignore him, we will fight so to avoid confrontation I pick
up his call. “Hi,” is all I can say.
“Hey babe, sorry
about earlier, you caught me off guard. I lost track of time and forgot about
our date.”
How can he sound
so upbeat and happy after talking to me like I mean nothing to him? “It’s ok
Kyle. Am I going to see you tonight? Are you going to sleep over?” I have to
hide how I really feel. I can’t say anything or let him know how upset I am.
“Yeah babe I’m
in your room waiting for you.” His voice is seductive and full of want. I’m not
in the mood to do that to him. I hate it. I hate him.
“Well I am
almost there so I will see you soon.”
“Can’t wait babe,”
He said.
I look at my
phone again and see the words disconnected. I take the stairs, one by one, to
get to my room. I hesitate before putting my hand on the door handle. I can do
this. I need to do this. He can’t do this to me anymore. I deserve my happily
ever after. I close my eyes and picture Adam, his face and the love in his
eyes. He gives me the strength I need to make it through. I know I can do this.
When I open the door, I see Kyle sitting on my bed. I walk over to him and give
him a kiss. “Hi honey.”
He grips my hips
and licks his lips. “You look so hot babe.” I place my hands on his shoulder
and give him a smile. I know it’s fake. I hate his touch. I hate him.
“I’m going to
change so I’ll be right back.” I give him another kiss and go to get my things
together to get ready for bed.
Kyle gets up
from my bed and walks over to me. I feel his breath on my neck. He turns me
around and cradles my face. There’s an unreadable expression on his face and
out of nowhere he pushes me in the corner. The back of my head hits the wall
and I instantly feel dizzy. My eyes start to tear up but before I can say
anything, Kyle punches me in the stomach. He holds me by the collar of my shirt
and shakes me. “Kyle, please stop. You’re hurting me.” He stops for a minute to
look at me. I think about giving him a hug and telling him it’s ok but then the
darkness takes over and he pushes me to the floor. “Kyle, please stop. You’re
hurting me!” I yell as I hold my stomach. But he doesn’t stop. He keeps
punching me over and over again. I start to blame myself. This is my fault. I
should have left him when he first put his hands on me. I try to push him away
but he won’t stop. My face is on fire. The tears start to come and I try to get
up and push him away but he kneels before me holding my wrists.
“When are you
going to learn Sophia?” His dark eyes eat me whole. I turn my head away and
yell incoherent words to get anyone’s attention in the building. “Why don’t you
just tell me how you feel? I see that look in your face. You don’t want to see
me. You’re pissed that I stood you up! Aren’t you?” He holds my mouth shut with
his hand and holds my wrists tighter. I whimper and try to push him but I can’t
move. “Why can’t you just see how much I love you? You push me to this Sophia.”
I try to take
his hand off of my mouth so I can talk to him but he holds more force on me so
I can’t move. He has total control over me. Maybe this is what I deserve. I
should have been a better girlfriend. I should have been better. I did this to
myself. I want to tell him that I love him and that I’m sorry. I want him to
stop hitting me. I keep crying and crying but he won’t stop.
All of a sudden
I hear the door open and see
Erin
coming toward us. “Get the fuck off her
Kyle or I swear I will hurt you.” Before Kyle could get up,
Erin
punches him in the face knocking him off
balance. I quickly get up from the floor and run over to her.
Kyle shakes his
head and looks at the both of us. “Are you fucking serious right now? Who the
fuck do you think you are,” His laugh makes me nervous and I want him out of my
life. This nightmare needs to be over.
Erin
pushes me back and looks straight at
Kyle, “Someone who will fuck up your life if you don’t leave right now. I swear
Kyle I will make you regret ever knowing me if you don’t leave now!”
Erin
pulls me to her. “You’re done with her
Kyle. Don’t call or text her anymore. She isn’t your girlfriend!”
“Is that what
you want Sophia? You want us to be done? No more?”
I tear my eyes
away from him. This is too much. I hate that I’m doing this. I just want to say
sorry and tell him that we can work it out. I look at
Erin
and her expression says it all. I need
to break up with him. I can’t live like this. I touch my face and remember all
the times he’s hit me. This is it. “I’m sorry Kyle but we can’t be together
anymore.” My voice is so low. I hope he hears me. “I just can’t do this
anymore.”
Kyle takes one
final look at us. “This isn’t over,” he says threateningly before leaving.
Erin
shuts the door and I fall into her arms.
I told
Erin
everything about Kyle, his temper and
how he’s been beating me for the past few weeks. I told her about my sessions
with Dr. Taylor and how I’ve had to keep so many things about my life a secret.
Erin
sat there stunned and speechless but I
couldn’t blame her. She kept asking me why I stayed with him. I couldn’t
answer. I stayed with him because I didn’t want to be alone. I didn’t think
anyone could love me since Adam wasn’t around. I told
Erin
that Kyle did love me but she told me
love shouldn’t be this way. We both cried as she held me. She told me how
stupid I was for being with him and not telling anyone. She begged me to go to
the doctors but I told her I was ok and didn’t want to deal with anyone or have
my dad find out. I hated lying to her. It was painful to breathe.
“
Soph
, I
will
be
here for you no matter what.” She gives me a reassuring smile and holds me
while I cry. “It’ll be ok. Come on let’s watch a movie and get your mind off
this crap and that asshole.”
“Ok.” My whole
body goes limp. I can’t cry anymore. My eyes are puffy and my head is pounding.
Erin
gives me a bottle of cold water. I hold
it to my face and lay back down on my bed. I did it. I am free of Kyle. I hope
that everything will be ok now.
Erin
pops in the movie and we get comfortable
on my bed. It’s good to have her here with me, I feel safe. There’s a huge
weight that’s off my shoulders. I feel guilty and miss Kyle. He used to sleep
on the side
Erin
is lounging, I ask her for another
pillow,
his
pillow. I breathe in his
scent and start to cry again. I want Kyle back. Maybe I’ll call him in the
morning. We both need time apart tonight. The movie starts and I fall right to sleep.
Morning comes
and I wake up to a beautiful sunrise. Its
six o’clock
and I feel a little better. I look over
and notice that
Erin
isn’t there. I feel a little sad but
figure she has class this morning. I’m still in bed as I touch my face and
stomach. I’m still in pain from last night. I close my eyes and try to think
about the other night. I can’t get Kyle’s face out of my head. I feel like
calling him and telling him how sorry I am. I grab my phone as it vibrates on
my nightstand, thinking it could be
Erin
checking on me, but instead I see a message from Kyle.
Kyle: If you tell anyone anything I will
kill you. You don’t know what I am capable of Sophia. You will be mine again
even if I have to drag you back. No one leaves me do you understand? Get your
shit together! Be the good girlfriend that you’re supposed to be. Do I make
myself clear?
I throw my phone
on the floor and cry. I start hyperventilating and am hysterically looking
around my
room,
he has a key to my room. He can come
in any time and hurt me again. I make a quick call to campus security for them
to change the locks on my door. They let me know it will be done today and not
to worry. How easy for them to say, they haven’t been through my hell. I’m such
a fool. I honestly want my life to be back to normal. I resent myself, I let
this go too far. No more though. I can’t risk my own happiness or my life. How
could I think we would be ok? He’s not going to change. Nothing will change.
How can I make sure he stays out of my life?