I simply sit
there with a distant expression on my face. “Breathe Sophia. Just like that.
Close your eyes and put yourself in a place where you’re happy.”
I listen to her
soothing voice. I take myself out of college and away from Kyle. I’m sitting on
a bench with Adam as we watch the sunset. He’s arm his around me and my head is
on his shoulder. He kisses my forehead and tells me he loves me. I open my eyes
and let out another breathe. “I’m ok,” I say this over and over again. I need
to tell myself I’ll be ok, that everything is ok. My body finally calms and I
feel better. I feel safe in her office. There’s no judgment. It’s just her and
I. She listens, I talk. Sometimes I listen and take her advice.
“Good Sophia.
Just remember to try and keep an open and positive mind. Whenever you are
feeling anxious or upset, I want you to write. Don’t stop writing until you
feel better. Take a step back and breathe. Baby steps Sophia. Remember to find
your own happiness Sophia.”
We finish up our
session and I give her a hug before leaving. I don’t have any more classes
today but Kyle wants to meet at a restaurant in town. It’s a little after
five o’clock
and I decide to go to the restaurant
from Dr. Taylor’s office. While walking, I think about the night I became his
girlfriend. He took me out to
Venzo’s
, a cute little
Italian restaurant. I wasn’t sure how I felt about becoming his girlfriend but
he made me feel special, a feeling I hadn’t felt in a long time. We had just
finished dinner and he took my hand, looked in my eyes and said I was the only
girl that made him smile and he was able to be himself with me.
“Be my
girlfriend, Sophia.” I didn’t know how to respond. Things seemed to be moving
fast and I wasn’t sure I could give someone else my love.
“Kyle, we’ve
just known each other for a few weeks!”
“And look how we
are. You make me so happy and you are truly inspirational. Look at everything
you have done and accomplished. You are amazing Sophia and I want us to be
official.” I haven’t been called amazing in so long and it felt good. When I
looked in his eyes, I saw his genuine want for me.
“Kyle, I don’t
know.” I looked at him again and saw Adam’s face. I wish it were Adam sitting
before me. I didn’t want to say yes when my heart still ached for Adam.
“Think about it
because I know I want to be with you.”
I hesitated. I
was beginning to get scared. “Oh Kyle…” was all I could say before he
interrupted me.
“Wait before you
say anything else. Open this.”
He handed me a
box that had Cartier across the top and I knew I had the most shocked
expression on my face. I couldn’t believe what I was holding. I slowly opened
the box and saw the most beautiful pair of diamond studded earrings, “Oh my God,
Kyle! These are beautiful!” I turned the box at every angle and looked at them.
The earrings were beautiful but a part of me felt guilty. Was he buying my
love? I kept reminding myself Adam was gone and living his own life, far away
from me, so I should do the same.
“Just like you
Sophia. So what do you say? Will you be my girlfriend?” His tone was sweet and
when I looked into his eyes, I melted.
Adam wasn’t here
but Kyle is, and it wasn’t as though I didn’t like him because I do. He is a
great guy and I figured I’d give him a chance. “Aw Kyle,” I replied shaking my
head, “Yes, yes I will.”
The sweet and
romantic Kyle I knew was gone and a part of me wants him back. The first few
months were great. He treated me like a princess and was always there. He was
patient and understanding but one night he wanted to take our relationship to
the next level and make love, but I wasn’t ready. After that night, things
changed. He didn’t leave me cute notes anymore or spend time with me in my
room. He was distant and made excuses as to why he didn’t want to spend time
with me. It kept me up at night wondering how he could turn like that. He used
to make me feel special and wanted. The smallest things triggered his anger. I
thought about how different my life would have been if Adam and I had gotten
together. He never treated me horribly.
I get to the
restaurant and text Kyle to let him know that I’m here. The hostess greets me
at the door and leads me to the booth in the corner. There are not too many
people here and it is nice to be alone.
“Enjoy your
dinner. Your server will be with you in a moment.” She smiles and walks away.
“Thank you,” I
respond. I open the menu and look through my options. I’m dieting and working
out a lot thinking it would help Kyle treat me better. I’m not unhappy with how
I look-I like my curvy and petite body but I want to feel tone and fit. I’m
craving chicken Alfredo pasta with calamari but I immediately think about what
Kyle and quickly settle on a salad with soup. I close the menu and pull out my
phone to see if there’s a text from him. No response yet.
“Hi, welcome to
Parker’s. My name is Alexander and I will be your server this evening. Would
you like something to drink?” I look up and see the tall and slim waiter. He
looks young and nice with his shaggy brown hair and brown eyes.
“Just water with
a lemon please,” I order.
“Not a problem,
be right back.” He said with such sweetness.
I turn back to
my phone and dial Kyle’s number. The phone rings a few times before he answers.
“What?”
I can’t believe
how rude he sounds. “Um hi, where are you?” I keep a cheery voice in hopes not
to make him mad. He said he likes to hear me happy and when I’m sad, it just
makes him mad.
“Why?” His loud
voice scares me to the point where I almost drop my phone.
“Well you told
me to meet you at Parker’s for dinner and I’m here.” I get nervous and start
stuttering my words. “Do-do you want me to order you anything?”
There’s silence
on the other end and I wonder where the hell he is. “Just have dinner without
me. I’m busy at the gym.” Before I can answer he hangs up. I slam my phone on
the table and feel the anger run through me. I didn’t do anything wrong!
The waiter comes
back again with my water. “Here you go
hun
. Are you
ready to order?”
“Just a chicken
salad with no dressing and the gnocchi soup please,” I quietly tell him.
He jots down my
order and takes my menu. “No problem and please let me know if you need
anything.” He smiles at me before leaving.
I think about
how I’m going to break up with Kyle. Every scenario I play in my head ends
badly. He doesn’t take rejection well and I know that leaving him will cause
problems.
The salad and
soup come out within a few minutes and I eat in silence. It feels weird being
here alone and I’m beginning to hate Kyle with each forkful of food. I put my
fork down and lean back against the booth and close my eyes. Adam comes to
mind. He’s
the one
-
my
only one. Right when I open my eyes
to finish my soup, I look up and see Connor coming toward me. What the hell is
going on? First Adam and now Connor, I wish I never came here tonight. I’m not
ready for this.
Adam’s parents
adopted Connor when he was eight after his parents died in a car accident. We
were all best friends until
that night
I went to their house making a scene. Connor was a big part of my life and I
missed him, but his pained expression was frozen in my mind from the night I
ended our friendship.
“Hey
Soph
,” Connor stands next to me. His voice is upbeat and
happy. “Can I sit here?” He asks pointing to the opposite side of the booth. He
looks happy to see me, which is weird. I look around the restaurant before I
answer him. No one can see Connor sitting here with me. I sink lower in the
booth and try to hide. Connor gives me a weird look before he sits down. I didn’t
think he would want to talk to me. I feel panicky all of a sudden. I see the
smile on his face and it starts to bother me. “What’s up Connor?”
He looks at me
again. “Nothing I saw you here and wanted to say hi. Where’s Kyle?”
I shrug, “He
stood me up.”
His left eyebrow
shoots up. “Wow I’m sorry.”
“It is ok
Connor, really.” I try not to sound weird. My hands start to get clammy and I
feel nervous. I hear the door open and quickly look up to see who came in. Good
not Kyle or any of his friends.
Connor touches
my hand and I jerk it away. “Hey what’s wrong?”
I look down
again, “Oh no-nothing. Kyle he um gets kind of jealous when I’m with friends.”
I feel ashamed that I’m telling him this.
“Do you want me
to go?”
I hope I’m
making the right decision. “No please stay.”
“Ok good. It’s
been a while and I want to see how you’re doing. You look really good.”
This is
uncomfortable. Should I ask him why he’s here? “Thanks Connor, you do too.” I
pause and think about what to say next. Hopefully we can make conversation and
not sit here in an awkward silence. “Hey! You played great last week. Fifteen
points, not bad!”
Connor laughs. I
miss his laugh. I miss him. “Thanks
Soph
. It was a
good game but Kyle’s been riding our asses lately. Want to tell your boyfriend
to chill?” He says still laughing.
I shake my head.
“I don’t think he’d like that too much.” My voice gets soft and I look away.
Connor laughs. I
miss his laugh. I miss him. “Thanks
Soph
. It was a
good game but Kyle has been riding our asses lately. Want to tell your
boyfriend to chill?” He says still laughing.
I shake my head.
“I don’t think he’d like that too much.” My voice gets soft and I look away.
He immediately
takes my hand and it surprises me. His warm touch makes me feel a little better.
“Hey if I said anything wrong I’m sorry. I was only kidding about telling that
to Kyle.” I can tell he is starting to feel bad.
My expression
softens and I hold his hand tighter. “No
no
don’t
worry. We’re just not getting along but its fine.” I don’t want Connor to worry
about me so I play it off as if it really isn’t anything. “Want some of my
salad and soup?” I slide the plate and bowl over to him.
“Thanks I’m
hungry.” Connor starts eating. I watch him eat and wonder what is going on in
that head of his. “So, Adam said he saw you today.” He looks up at me smiling.
“Yeah,” I look
down again. I hate that they talk about me. I’m curious to know what they’ve
been saying about me. How is it in one day I get both Adam and Connor? I want
to think this is the start of our friendship again. I want them both back in my
life. I want to feel complete and whole. I think about Adam again. I think
about his smile and how I feel when he’s nearby. I want him back.
“Alright so what did he tell you?”
“He said you
just stared at him.” Connor’s laughs loudly. “Couldn’t say anything?”
“Stop,” I throw
a piece of bread at him and pout my lips. This is so embarrassing. What else
does Connor know? “It wasn’t like that!”
“Yeah ok,”
Connor finishes eating and looks at me with tender eyes. “You know he misses
you right? We both do.” He tilts his head to the side while looking at me. His
eyes become soft and he gives me a look letting me know how he’s feeling.
Connor and I have a connection that most people search their whole lives for.
It’s not a romantic connection, but, we just understand one another without
saying a word.
“He never came
after me.” Oh crap. Connor’s eyes grow threatening and I know he’s mad. I look
away. I can’t stand when he looks at me like that.
“He wanted to
Soph
. You don’t get it.” He slides the plate and bowl away
and reaches for my hand. “Why do you think we’re back? You need to accept that
someone loves
you.
He
wants
to be with you. Just talk to him.”
Connor captures
my attention. “What do you mean? If he wants me then he’ll come after me
Connor. We pass each other all the time but he doesn’t stop and talk to me.”
Connor darts his
eyes toward me. “Women are so dense sometimes. He gave you space
Soph
but now he’s back. Doesn’t that count for anything?”