Erin
gets up and walks over to me. She sits
down again and looks me in the eyes. “I want you to be happy
Soph
because you deserve nothing but the best. If you are
feeling shitty with Kyle then leave him.” She rubs my hand and I put my head on
her shoulder. Talking to
Erin
makes me a little better but I’m still
lost. “Sophia I know I joke around a lot about you being a virgin but don’t
sleep with him if you aren’t ready. If you want to break up then do it. I hate
seeing you like this. You’re my best friend and I want what’s best for you. I’m
always here for you.”
“It’s not that
easy
Erin
. I’ve tried breaking up with him but he
keeps saying sorry.”
Last week when I
tried to break up with Kyle, he broke down and cried. He said how sorry he was
for what happened. He said things would get better. I believed him. That night,
he took me for ice cream and was affectionate. He paid attention and listened
to me. I told him that I wanted things to work but that I wanted us to be
better. He told me he understood and I believed him. We spent the night in my
room laughing and reminiscing about how we met and started dating. Things were
great. But the next night, he went out partying and came back drunk. He wanted
to have sex but I said no so he asked me to do other things and I did. His
hands got a little too curious. I told him to stop but he wouldn’t. His hands
went in my panties and started to stroke me. His fingers went in me and I cried
in silence. I didn’t want that. Afterwards, he fell asleep and left me lying
there. The next morning he asked me if I was ok. I didn’t want to start an
argument so I just smiled.
She puts me out
at arms lengths and looks at me. “So what if he says sorry! If he were sorry
then he wouldn’t be an asshole. You got to do you, babe.”
I look at my
best friend and think what to do next.
After my talk with Erin, I head over
to the counseling center for my session with Dr. Taylor. She’s been my
counselor since my first year and I’m healing because of her. She has been a
great supporter and helps me through the darkness that I call life, which has
been like a roller coaster with all the twists and turns and the change of
speed.
She’s been a great supporter
and helps me through the darkness. She encourages me to write and to make small
goals so it’s easier to achieve. She knows when to push me for answers and when
to back off. At first, the idea of seeing her didn’t sit well with me but after
our first session I knew seeing
her
on a weekly basis would
help. It’s nice to have someone in your corner and who believes in you. She’s
patient and understanding but can be pushy. I hate when she pushes me but in
the long run I know it’ll help me be a better person.
My phone starts
vibrating in my pocket. When I look at who is calling, I see that it’s Kyle. I
take a deep breath before answering my phone.
“Hi Kyle!”
I try to sound happy that we’re talking. I need him to believe that I’m happy
to hear from him.
“Hey
babe.
How’s your day
going?”
I stop in front
of the counseling center and make sure no one’s around me. He can’t know I see
Dr. Taylor. If he ever finds out, I shudder at the thought. I don’t want to
know what he would do. “It’s good! I just got to the hospital to visit my dad.
How is your day?”
I hear him
laughing on the other line. Why is he laughing? I’m frantically looking around
to make sure he’s not around me and that his friends don’t see me. I pull my
hoodie up over my head and keep my head down. “It’s been good babe. I just got
done with class. My bio classes got cancelled so I’m going to hit the gym
before dinner. Don’t be late. I can’t wait to see you.”
“I know I miss
you Kyle. I can’t wait to see you too! Oh my dad is done so I’ll see you in a
few hours! I love you!”
“Love you too
babe.”
I wait to see
that the call has ended before putting it back in my pocket. I let out a heavy
sigh. This is getting bad. I need to keep Kyle in the dark about everything. He
can’t know that I see Dr. Taylor or I hang out with
Erin
. I’m glad he buys the fact I’m with my
dad. He hates all of my friends especially
Erin
. He controls everything in my life.
He’ll never let me go and it scares me to think what he’s capable of. It takes
me a few minutes to gather my thoughts and to shake him off.
I open the door
and walk in. The counseling center is pretty quiet today. I see that her office
door is open, I go right in. “
“Sophia, hello dear, have a seat.” Dr. Taylor looks up from
her laptop and smiles. She is in her fifties and looks incredible with her long
brown hair and green eyes. “How are you?”
I sit down on
the plushy sofa. “I don’t know where to start.”
She walks over
to the chair in front of me and sits down. I see her place her notepad and pen
on her knee as she studies me. I hate when she does this. I know she’s trying
to see if I’m lying or holding something back. “What’s going on Sophia?”
I throw my head
back and let out a sigh. “I don’t know. I mean Kyle and I have been dating for
a few months but he’s been acting so weird lately. He’ll tell me what I need to
do and tries to control everything in my life. One day when I was studying, he
came to my dorm and made me get ready so we could work out. I was exhausted! I
tried telling him no but he got mad and freaked out on me.” I feel comfortable
telling Dr. Taylor everything. There’s something familiar about her that draws
me to her. In some ways, she reminds me of my mom. The look in her eyes when I
talk makes me think about how my mom would look at me whenever I was sad. “I
know he’s been stressed out with school and the team, but seriously? Then last
week he freaked out on me because I couldn’t bring his sneakers to practice.”
She writes in
her notebook as I talk. Dr. Taylor leans back in her chair and looks at me.
“How does this make you feel?”
“Mad. I mean
come on I was in class, you know. It is like he doesn’t get me or understand
anything!” I watch as Dr. Taylor listens to me. I get up and pace the room. My
arms are waving around and I can’t stop talking. “I try and do whatever I can
to make
him
happy. The first
few weeks we were fine, so happy! I thought I was falling in love with him,
Doc. I mean he was a perfect gentleman and then he tells me he wants to take
things further and I’m
not ready
!”
I sit back down and breathe; it is all I can do.
A small smile
forms on her face. “Why are you trying so hard to make him happy? Why not make
yourself happy? Sophia you need to be happy with yourself before you can be
happy with anyone else. Put yourself before others.”
I’m not sure how
to be truly happy. I want to get rid of all the drama in my life but I can’t
let it go. “I don’t know how to make myself happy. Kyle used to be a good
boyfriend. He would spoil me and treat me like a princess.” I put my head down
and think about the beginning of Kyle and me.
He treated me so
well and used to love spending time with me. Friday nights would be our date
nights. We’d go to different restaurants and try out new foods. He’d hold my
hand and always wanted to know how my day was or what I was doing. The love
notes he used to leave around my room and the random presents made me happy. I
thought Kyle was perfect but then he changed and now I’m stuck.
Dr. Taylor stops
writing and looks at me. “Sophia those are material things. What does your
heart tell you?”
Without thinking
I say, “My heart wants Adam.” He’s the one for me. He’s the only one who knows
me and he’s the only one who understands. But I don’t have him anymore. My
heart starts racing and I start sweating. I hate when this happens. I lean my
head back on the sofa and do my breathing exercise. I slowly count to ten and
breathe in through my nose and let it out through my mouth. I do this a few
times. Dr. Taylor doesn’t bother me or encourage me. She sits there and watches
me to make sure I don’t storm out. This is one of the reasons why I come to see
her. She knows me. It helps when I feel anxious and upset. “Ok. I feel better.”
“Good Sophia.
I’m glad you were able to work through your anxiety. Tell me more about Adam.”
“What’s there to
say? He’s back with Connor from
Boston
. We pass each other and say hi. We smile
at each other but I can’t talk to him. I’m so scared.”
“If you want to
know what will happen then you need to take that leap of faith. If you sit
there and assume, you’ll never know.”
I twirl my
fingers. I don’t know what to say. I shrug my shoulders. “I get what you’re
telling me but I don’t know how to be happy when it comes to Adam.”
We sit there in
silence for a few moments. Another part of the session I hate. Dr. Taylor
breaks the uncomfortable silence and starts to talk. “Then you need to figure
out what’s best for you Sophia not anyone else.” I listen to what she’s saying
and realize I need to take action with my life but how can I do that? “We’ve
been seeing each other for a few years now and you’ve achieved so much
throughout our time together. I am so proud of you and what you’ve done but
your relationship with Kyle is concerning me.” Dr. Taylor leans forward and
takes my hand. “Sophia, you need to find your own way-you need to find a way to
be happy. If Kyle isn’t making you happy and you’re scared then I think you
know what to do.”
“I know but I
hate being alone.” Whenever I’m alone, the nightmares come. I dream about my
mom’s death and how everything is my fault. All my dreams are about losing
someone I love. It’s nerve wrecking and keeps me up all hours of the night. I’m
on medication to help me sleep and it helps but there are still nights when I
wake up sweating. Kyle usually spends the night with me in hopes that I will
have sex with him. We fight about me not being ready and I want him to
understand that emotionally I can’t handle it. Sometimes he understands and
other times, well, he doesn’t. He makes me go down on him since I am not ready
for sex. He takes my head and pushes it down on him. I hate how he feels in my
mouth. It’s wrong but I don’t stop him. I need to keep him happy.
Dr. Taylor
raises her eyebrow. I see her mind turning as she tries to figure out what to
say. “You’re not alone Sophia. You have your family and friends. You know you
can call me anytime, day or night.”
I shrug my
shoulders and look away. “I know but I hate depending on people. These are my
issues not anyone else’s.”
Dr. Taylor
smiles, “But your loved ones want to be here for you. They want to see you
successful and strong. Doesn’t that mean anything?”
“Yeah I guess.”
“Don’t let
anyone treat you badly Sophia or tell you otherwise. You need to be strong. I
know you can do this.” Dr. Taylor’s positive words really help me but I still
can’t shake off what eats away at me. The secrets I hide and bury deep inside.
I can’t let them come out.
I start to sigh
and watch my thoughts fly away. She doesn’t ask me more about Kyle. No one can
know the horrifying side of Kyle. I can’t seem to find the answer to anything
and nothing seems to make sense. “I know.”
“Talk to Kyle and figure that out first Sophia. Once you do that then try and
talk to Adam and rebuild that friendship. You never know until you try.”
I carefully take
in what she says and wonder if I should just talk to him. We talk more about my
relationship with Kyle. I don’t go into full details about his temper and how
he uses me as his punching bag. He takes out his anger on me and I let him. At
first, I would try and stop him or talk to him but that only made it worse. Now
I let him hit me. It’s not too bad anymore. A few punches to my body and he’ll
push me against the wall. Sure I know it’s not right but I don’t know what else
to do.
The last time he
hit me flashed in my mind. He freaked out on me and called me a bitch because I
didn’t want to go out. Kyle wanted to take me with him but I was tired from
school. I had three essays due and I needed to study for two tests. I kept
telling Kyle to go ahead without me but apparently, that answer wasn’t good
enough for him. He went on and on about how I was being lame and a bitch. He
accused me of doing things on purpose to hold him back. I sat there quietly
while he ranted. I couldn’t defend myself and I felt little around him… I felt
small. It was not fair that he treated me this way when I didn’t do anything
wrong and even if I did, he has no right to do what he does. When I ignored
him, he came at me with his fist. I touched my cheek and remembered how sore it
was after he was finished. He looked at me and told me to stop acting like a
child and to grow up. There were a few more times when that happened, but Kyle
got smarter and hit me where no one would see the bruises. I wanted to leave -
to do
anything
to get out but
he always apologized after and I believed him. I wanted to tell someone but he
told me if I said anything, he would kill me and I believed him. In my heart, I
knew Kyle had it in him to cause more harm, which scared me to no end.